james3232 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 My wife of ten years had an affair and left me for him. I divorced her, and it finalised in Feburary. I thought I was over it, but recently I've become very depressed and just can't stop thinking about her. Fact is, I love her and I just don't know what to do.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 My wife of ten years had an affair and left me for him. I divorced her, and it finalized in February. I thought I was over it, but recently I've become very depressed and just can't stop thinking about her. Fact is, I love her and I just don't know what to do. Just relax there my friend, take a deep breath and relax. Your going to be just fine, you my friend are exactly at where you need to be. It's only been what, 7 months, for me things didn't get better around that time, they got worse or at least stayed a constant. I know how an affair against the marriage feels, I've been down the same road you have in regards to that. It isn't an easy thing to go through when your hit with the truth, that your wife is "sleeping around" on you. This is a real bitter pill to swallow. 10 years is a lot of time to invest in someone, I was at year number 14 in my marriage when it fell like a house of cards. I kind of learned the hard way that everything doesn't get all "white picket fences" and "plush rolling hills with endless milk and honey" or "I'm cured" when the judge grants the divorce. For me doing the divorce, the paperwork, child custody hearings, dealing with the attorney, and paying a small fortune in fee's was the easy part. What came after the gavel fell was when the hard stuff started. This is not an easy road both you and myself have picked, it is full of "pot holes" and "speed bumps" and "rough roads" the works. But speaking for me, things really began to lighten up shortly after the one and a half year mark. You say that you still love this woman, well I would be dishonest with you if I didn't say that on some levels that I still love my ex-wife too. For me the love for my ex-wife didn't stop the very moment the judge granted our divorce, it continued for a good long time. I don't feel that one ever escapes the love they once felt for the other person, for me I just had to learn ways of coping and dealing with that love. I had to learn how to direct that love elsewhere, as to have it no longer be given to my ex-wife. The skill of re-directing ones love takes time, I'm no master at it, once in a blue moon I get weak and feel bad and start pouting, but one can never give that love back to a person that once held it, owned it and was "ENTITLED to it, when they deny it by cheating. Trust me, you have come to the right place to voice your concerns and worries and doubts in regards to your divorce. Just give this "roller coaster" that your on some time to smooth out. Are you currently doing anything for yourself? Are you currently trying new things? Are you currently trying to find other things to focus on, to help get your mind off of your situation? Look inside these forums for anything to do with "COPING" with a divorce. There you might find some new things to do, some new tools, something that will help put your mind at ease. Just remember, what your going through is ok, these feelings you may or may not be having are ok, they are normal and with some work will decrease in intensity in time, but may never go away totally. If you need to talk, there are a bunch of nice people on these forums to talk to, I'm sure a lot of them would be willing to hand out some free advise or guide you as to where they think you should go next. Take care, and good luck....
Firesign Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I know exactly how you feel right now, I myself have been through an almost exact situation although we were together 7 years. Its been nearly 3 years since the bomb dropped and she left to be with somebody else and moved to spain within a week of seperation, my ex vanished without a trace or warning, and i still seem to wonder how she is doing even after all this time. It takes time my friend and really the only advice i can give you is to keep busy try to get stuck into your hobbies or get one!, I myself bought a motorbike not to everyones taste but it honestly changed my life going out for ride, fresh air meeting new ppl etc it does wonders!!. tarweetar and leedlee sad but i still remember the names we called each other forgiven but not forgotten i guess.
Steadfast Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 You love her and and don't know what to do? Please clarify. What are you asking advice about? How to stop loving her? How to move on? How to feel better about yourself and life in general? Maybe you're asking for suggestions on how to win her back? I know it sounds simple, but before we can move onto something we need to know what that something is. Tell us more about you, her, and your marriage. Talk about what you want, and don't want. Recovery from divorce is an internal process, and the steps out of despair are rocky and steep. The good news? They ARE there.
WowReally Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 My wife of ten years had an affair and left me for him. I divorced her, and it finalised in Feburary. I thought I was over it, but recently I've become very depressed and just can't stop thinking about her. Fact is, I love her and I just don't know what to do. I think people think they're supposed to hate their ex's once they separated and that's just not so. Still having feelings for someone just shows that you had something with them at one point- it doesnt mean you made a good married couple though. You're going to have your good days and bad but be grateful you're rid of a cheater.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Well it hasn't even been a year yet since your divorce. I know it's hard losing someone you still love. It is just going to take time my friend. You have to tell yourself she is gone and is not coming back each time she enters your mind. You have to act as if she is dead. Soon you will be able to date again and will probably meet someone who will make you wonder what you ever saw in your wife. Good luck!
2.50 a gallon Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 It sounds to me that you need to learn how to move on in life so you can be prepared for your second love of your life Have you tried to get a sript of anti-depressants? When I was in your shoes, I looked around for something to do to keep my mind off of her. I figured that each second that I did not think of her was a treasure, then I found ways to turn the seconds into minutes and on up to hours and days. Have you any hobbies that you might pursue? Me I got back into my hobbies, and added tropical fish. I also took the time each evening after work to teach myself new recipies. Instead of a quicky meal or a fast food meal, I spent up to an hour preparing some exotic food. Some I tried once a week until I got it right. I did this for 2 reasons, first I had a great meal, and knowing these new gourmet recipies came in handy when I hung out a sign that I was open for tryouts for the future Mrs. Gallon
2.50 a gallon Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Can you dance? If not, learn and you will have ladies coming up to you and asking you to dance. Or at least, being friendly so that you will ask them. If I was in your shoes I would look for a place that gives salsa lessons. It looks hot and the ladies look even hotter. In a nut shell your first steps into you new life is to find yourself something to do to keep your mind occupied. Consider quitar lessons, or any instrument On and by the way, a general rule of thumb, that has happened in every case that I know of: Cheaters cheat down, while the betrayed partner moves up a notch of two when the next one comes along. In short, you are in for a great time some day in the future, and you can begin that journey by beginning to move on in life today
Author james3232 Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Thanks for the replys. I was having a really bad night when I wrote this. It's been months since I had one anywhere near that bad, so it caught me quite by surprise. Somebody asked about anti depressants.....yes I was on Lexapro for about 7 months, it made me feel worse and the side effects just werent worth it. Been off it for about 3 months now. It did help with the worst of it, but I actualy feel better now, in general. This is a great site, thanks again for the support, it's nice to know somebody cares, once in a while.
You Go Girl Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 James, psychology is tricky business. Our minds often are not transparent to us; often they are far ahead of us in understanding, and often they are confusing to us. But even our deep subconscious can get "stuck" in a pattern. Now we have some real work to do, and it's no easy job. We have to figure out like a puzzle our feelings, and our subconscious isn't helping us down the path to doing this. We have hurdles, roadblocks, water over the road, construction, you name it. So there's a mathematical tricky jigsaw puzzle we have to figure out when we get stuck and how to move forward. Sometimes you need to look at this as an emotional problem that needs to be solved mathematically! Listen to your deepest fears, deepest misgivings, deepest confusion. Then nakedly, write down those thoughts that are the scariest, and share them here. The more naked and vulnerable you are, the more is revealed. It is easiest here on a forum like this. You have to look in no eyes, and there is nobody who can reject you on a very personal level. The best part of this is that people will help you out of desiring to aleviate pain for strangers, as if it were their own. This is the path to progress, instead of dragging it out months or years.
Author james3232 Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 James, psychology is tricky business. Our minds often are not transparent to us; often they are far ahead of us in understanding, and often they are confusing to us. But even our deep subconscious can get "stuck" in a pattern. Now we have some real work to do, and it's no easy job. We have to figure out like a puzzle our feelings, and our subconscious isn't helping us down the path to doing this. We have hurdles, roadblocks, water over the road, construction, you name it. So there's a mathematical tricky jigsaw puzzle we have to figure out when we get stuck and how to move forward. Sometimes you need to look at this as an emotional problem that needs to be solved mathematically! Listen to your deepest fears, deepest misgivings, deepest confusion. Then nakedly, write down those thoughts that are the scariest, and share them here. The more naked and vulnerable you are, the more is revealed. It is easiest here on a forum like this. You have to look in no eyes, and there is nobody who can reject you on a very personal level. The best part of this is that people will help you out of desiring to aleviate pain for strangers, as if it were their own. This is the path to progress, instead of dragging it out months or years. Very interesting. I'm going to have to thin k about that for a day or so.
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