Finding it hard to be supportive about his porn addiction.

[Mela]

Hello everyone.

 

Well, after two and a half years of dating, my fiancee finally came to me the Monday of last week and admitted to me (and himself) that he has a porn addiction. I've always suspected this, but every time I've tried to bring up my concerns to him he has always gotten very defensive/embarassed/angry. The past couple of weeks he had been masturbating a lot more than usual (he seems to go in cycles of how much he does it). He would spend hours on the computer per day looking up porn to add to his collection and then masturbating. It was quite excessive.

So

anyway, the Sunday of last week we were about to have sex, and he couldn't become erect for me. It was mortifying and made me feel

so

insecure. That's never happened between us before. He was embarassed and said that it wasn't that he wasn't horny, it just wasn't getting through to his penis, most likely because he had masturbated already that night while I was at work. I was upset but decided to let the matter drop and we both fell asleep.

 

The next day (Monday of last week) he came to me and admitted his porn addiction. He says he knows how much it hurts our relationship and that it even makes it hard for him not to be enormously attracted to other women at times (more than the passing "Oh, she's cute...". It's more like when a cute girl comes into his work, all he can think about is having sex with her. And he told me he realizes that the porn only makes this problem worse.

So

that he was going to look into finding a sex counselor for his problems and stop masturbating. Of course, I was more than supportive, and really estactic.

 

Over the past week (last week) him not masturbating really made the both of us realize how addicted he is to the porn. We could have just had sex and he will tell me that the urge to just LOOK at the porn is almost overwhelming, even if he's not horny or has just made love to me. This hurt my feelings of course, but I know it's just part of the addiction. He set up an appointment with a sex therapist for this Friday and went five days without masturbating (I was really proud of him, too, and felt

so

appreciated and loved) but then broke down Saturday night while I was at work. It stung because we had just made love before I left, and as soon as I walked out the door he was on the computer looking at porn.

 

We talked about why it made me upset and I felt consoled. He promised to try and go another five days to a week without masturbating. Then tonight, I come home and find that he has. It's not hard to tell,

BTW

, when he has done it because for whatever reason he uses his boxers to jerk off with, and they'll be laying on top of the dirty clothes pantry.

 

I'

m

just finding it REALLY hard to be supportive of him and not feel crazy insecure and hurt by this whole mess, especially when he keeps slipping up. I know he's trying and I know it's hard for him because it is a legitimate addiction, but I can't help my own feelings. I just don't know what to do. Someone please give me some advice. Should I not mind or mention it to him when he does slip up and it hurts my feelings? Should I be sexually available 24/7 for him to alleviate his itch? I am

so

clueless right now. What a mess.

 

EDIT - I feel like I should also mention that in general I do not find porn use in a relationship an issue. I watch porn myself occasionally and have watched it with my fiancee. It's only that he HIMSELF has admitted to me that the porn is harmful to our relationship because he has an addiction to it. I suppose it's kind of like how an alcoholic should never drink alcohol, but a non-alcoholic can have a drink every once in a while if they want without it hurting anything.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, unlike 90% of similar entries on LoveShack, I think you have an honest "addiction" situation.

 

 

I can only tell you that I don't share most of those extreme feelings to which he admits. Sex with a partner would always trump even the most picturesque online image. Your own stance on porn in general seems to be reasonably healthy, so it isn't you.

 

I don't even need to have a "porn collection", as the random, new-to-me images on the net are far more than I could ever make use of, without thinking I needed to bookmark or download any of it.

 

Nor do I ever pay a cent for porn sites. With so much free stuff around it just doesn't make sense to pay.

 

I believe that the two of you should go to a therapist together, both so that you can support him through this, AND so that you can hear right from a pro just what your role should be in his evolution forward from here.

 

The first and often biggest step is admitting you have a problem, so look, there is already cause for optimism.

 

 

But do appeal to an educated professional for your course of action.

[Scottdmw]

I really sympathize with your difficulty. It must be a very frustrating situation.

 

Take heart though, that at least you guy is being honest with you and making an effort. Remember that it really is an addiction at least for some people, just like trying to go cold turkey on cocaine or something. His brain is used to a certain amount of stimulation, and when he doesn't get it the lack is probably a very strong and bad feeling. It is going to take time for his brain to recover itself and get back into a more normal state, assuming he can keep with it.

 

Maybe it will help you if you can keep in mind that the way he's acting towards you has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's not that you are not attractive or that he doesn't love you. It's not that you haven't done enough for him. He simply has an addiction to the brain chemicals that are released when he watches porn.

 

This isn't going to be easy for him to get away from. I feel like in the past I had some level of similar addiction, though not nearly to the same degree, and I know it was pretty tough to give up.

 

There are some other websites on the Internet that are more specific to this problem than loveshack, you could probably get both ideas and others specific experiences there. Just google “porn addiction”.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

[JackJack]

If he truly has an addiction then he needs to seek help. And if you plan on staying with him you'll need so seek some help as well. There are support groups out there for this kind of addiction and their loved ones too. Just like AA and Al Anon. Google help for porn addictions or how families are affected by porn etc.