Owl Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 When emotions have cooled after DDay. Still not sure quite you mean, my friend. It's been six and a half years since d-day. How I feel now about what would happen if she cheats again is how I felt pretty quickly after d-day. Our marriage is wonderfully recovered, and I've learned tons about infidelity and how it works as a result. My thoughts about trying to recover a second time are based on all of that...not any kind of anger left after d-day.
GorillaTheater Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I've had the occasion to give this some thought over the past year or so. Given the fact that I've been married 28 years and have 6 minor children, I don't think I would end things automatically. There's simply more than myself at stake. At the same time, I'd give her very little rope. I think what I would do upon discovery of infidelity is to give my wife about 5 minutes to decide between me and the OM. No "sleep on it". No "phone a friend". Five minutes. You pick him, the divorce process begins ASAP. You pick me, we begin the long hard road of reconciliation with divorce still an option if, in my sole opinion, you're not pulling your weight in the reconciliation process. And I pray that I never have to find out what I'd REALLY do.
WowReally Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I tried to save our marriage at the expense of my dignity. Never again. We are planning to divorce. How long were you married? How long did you work at it?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I guess it really depends on how you look at it. It's very easy to say settling when you really dont know the inner workings and history well, call me crazy, but if I were to stay with a woman that opened her thighs up to another man.....I know there are better women than that to be had. I consider it settling because, no matter what she or I may think of our history together, she is now someone that f####d another guy behind my back. That woman is no longer a prize to me.
Joe Normal Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Even if I stayed with him, it would never be the same. I'd be picturing him screwing someone else when we have sex, I'd drive myself crazy not being able to trust him and I'd not love him in the carefree, disgusting way I do now. He wouldn't be the person I thought he was. Even if I tried, and I love him so who knows, it would kill the relationship eventually. I agree. I'd just add that I'd be mad as hell for her putting me at risk of STDs too. I don't want to get HIV or genital warts because someone couldn't keep their undergarments on.
eleanorrigby Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I've had the occasion to give this some thought over the past year or so. Given the fact that I've been married 28 years and have 6 minor children, I don't think I would end things automatically. There's simply more than myself at stake. At the same time, I'd give her very little rope. I think what I would do upon discovery of infidelity is to give my wife about 5 minutes to decide between me and the OM. No "sleep on it". No "phone a friend". Five minutes. You pick him, the divorce process begins ASAP. You pick me, we begin the long hard road of reconciliation with divorce still an option if, in my sole opinion, you're not pulling your weight in the reconciliation process. And I pray that I never have to find out what I'd REALLY do. Love your post.. and you are right. It's very hard to find out what you would really do. I behaved completely different then i imagined I would if I found out i was being cheated on.
Summer Breeze Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I told my exH while we were dating that if he cheated there would be no second chances. When I confronted him and knew he'd done the dirty it was done. He ended it by going out of our marriage knowing my boundaries. I walked and took my baby with me. I remember the next night sitting in the spare bedroom of a friend of mine wondering if I'd done the right hting and all of a sudden I had an image of him probably being with her. A bit of me wanted to fight and hold on but it lasted about 5 seconds. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering what he was doing. A few days after that my friends and a few relatives had been doing their best to try and talk me back. Saying he was sorry and I'd regret it and he was so sad and he was this and he was that. Again I almost gave in and went to talk to him. Everyone talks about affair fog. I didn't think it then but when I look back I can see I was going into a recon fog. Everyone was pushing me to do this even though I knew better. People were telling me he was sorry and they were basically telling me that I needed to ally myself with him against his OW. At times it felt like I was being coached and the pressure and coercion was so strong I almost fell into this fog even knowing better. He called me once and he started talking about her and I could almost feel myself getting pumped up to 'show her'. He never said anything negative about her but was trying his hardest to get me onside. Affair fog, how about recon fog. At the beginning I said it would be over and at the end it was.
JAGeezer Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 What will I do? I'll take a deep breath and file for immediate divorce. I really don't believe that my current W would cheat on me, any more than I would cheat on her. We were both cheated on by serial cheaters in our respective first marriages. The idea of doing unto someone else what was done to us is just too repulsive to be contemplated. No reconciliation would be possible. Cheating isn't a mistake. It doesn't "just happen". It's an informed and deliberate choice by one party to place their hormones above their commitment to their spouse and marriage. That being said, when we started thinking about matrimony we realized that we both had trust issues that no amount of therapy was going to resolve. We'd both been burned horribly by people that we loved and trusted. So my W-to-be made a suggestion. What she called a "scorched-earth" pre-nup. We've both been quite successful financially. Not wealthy, but comfortable, even by ourselves before marriage. The bottom line of the pre-nup is that if either party is proven to have cheated, the injured party gets to screw them with their pants on in the resulting divorce, and the offending party has to sit there and take it. It did wonders for those last lingering shreds of doubt. I suppose the point is, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who's greedy enough and stupid enough to cheat with that hanging over her head...after she proposed it. And it comforts me to know that she feels the same way. At our age, no one wants to have to watch their back all the time with the one person that they should be able trust implicitly. JAG
WalkInThePark Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I told my exH while we were dating that if he cheated there would be no second chances. When I confronted him and knew he'd done the dirty it was done. He ended it by going out of our marriage knowing my boundaries. I walked and took my baby with me. I remember the next night sitting in the spare bedroom of a friend of mine wondering if I'd done the right hting and all of a sudden I had an image of him probably being with her. A bit of me wanted to fight and hold on but it lasted about 5 seconds. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering what he was doing. A few days after that my friends and a few relatives had been doing their best to try and talk me back. Saying he was sorry and I'd regret it and he was so sad and he was this and he was that. Again I almost gave in and went to talk to him. Everyone talks about affair fog. I didn't think it then but when I look back I can see I was going into a recon fog. Everyone was pushing me to do this even though I knew better. People were telling me he was sorry and they were basically telling me that I needed to ally myself with him against his OW. At times it felt like I was being coached and the pressure and coercion was so strong I almost fell into this fog even knowing better. He called me once and he started talking about her and I could almost feel myself getting pumped up to 'show her'. He never said anything negative about her but was trying his hardest to get me onside. Affair fog, how about recon fog. At the beginning I said it would be over and at the end it was. I can identify with your position. I remember that my xMM often said that all was not black and white. He said that to explain why he had so much doubts about divorcing and to keep me on board of course. But you know what? In the end all is black and white. Either you love someone or you don't. And if you love someone you remain faithful. And if you feel you can't anymore, then you end the relationship. That is how I tick and I have spent way too much time finding excuses for xMM. From what I have seen from him, I know that people in general don't cheat once. They cheat several times. Maybe not constantly but certainly once in a while, when they are going through a rough patch in their life. Which means that if you stay with a cheater, you have a pretty good chance that he will do it again and that you will again go through all that turmoil. And that is something I simply don't want. Too much stress.
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