What will you do if your spouse/SO cheats on you?

[pureinheart]

I'll just add this, until you're actually confronted with the situation, you don't really know what you'd do. You think you know--"I have too much self-respect", blah, blah, blah.

 

Just before our wedding, I told her "If you ever cheat on me, consider the marriage over." I know I'm not alone in having done this, others have said the same thing on here.

 

Then it happened.

 

You don't know.

 

BTW congrats for your decision to work it out with your wife, and your understanding of all parties involved:).

 

IMO it is a very secure BS to be able to work out the marriage. When it happened to me, I was too messed up by that time and I broke under the knowledge...my selfrigheousness and pride kept me from working it out...this happened in many relationships BTW, for many different reasons.

 

Stay encouraged and most of all stay married:D:D:D....should it happen again, I would suggest to roll as that would be a big indication that the marriage might be too broken to fix.

Edited September 16, 2010 by pureinheart

[bentnotbroken]

BTW congrats for your decision to work it out with your wife, and your understanding of all parties involved:).

 

IMO it is a very secure BS to be able to work out the marriage. When it happened to me, I was too messed up by that time and I broke under the knowledge...my selfrigheousness and pride kept me from working it out...this happened in many relationships BTW, for many different reasons.

 

Stay encouraged and most of all stay married:D:D:D....should it happen again, I would suggest to roll as that would be a big indication that the marriage might be too broken to fix.

 

 

It takes an equally secure BS to step out of what they have known for years(good, bad or indifferent)into the unknown and find a better life. While I applaud all BS who choose to stay and build a new relationship, there is nothing wrong with those who don't choose the option. God gives us that right after adulatory to do so without penalty.

[Stung]

I don't know. When I was cheated on once before by a boyfriend, it ended the relationship, but a marriage is different. I have so much emotion and energy invested in my husband and marriage, so much history with him, we have children together, and we have made vows to not walk away from all that without working to salvage it.

 

I would probably want to separate for a while to think about things. I'd be so hurt and angry I wouldn't be able to deal with him for a while, or think clearly. It wouldn't be an easy decision either way, and much would depend on circumstances. If he confessed, if he was remorseful, if he wanted to go into counseling--I do know that under these circumstances marriages can recover, I have seen it up close and personal. But if he had been gaslighting me, making a fool of me, betraying me repeatedly, there would definitely be no coming back from that.

[OWoman]

Interesting. What about if she was someone that you could never be? Whether mensa smart, a modelesque beauty or whatever. What if you could not compare yourself favourably?

 

I would far rather feel "threatened" because I wasn't in her league, than cheapened because she wasn't in mine. I would rather feel that the stakes just got higher and I needed to lift my game, than feel that the "prize" wasn't worth the candle because it was thrown away on any old minger.

 

I'm aware of how trite that sounds. Perhaps I'm just shallow.

[Silly_Girl]

I would far rather feel "threatened" because I wasn't in her league, than cheapened because she wasn't in mine. I would rather feel that the stakes just got higher and I needed to lift my game, than feel that the "prize" wasn't worth the candle because it was thrown away on any old minger.

 

I'm aware of how trite that sounds. Perhaps I'm just shallow.

 

If I could see her as some sort of 'prize' in a shallow way, really fanciable, wickedly funny, or a fantastic person, I could understand it better. I could understand the attraction. We all encounter people with a spark who interest us and in different circumstances might interest us emotionally/sexually if we were single.

 

I would be more hurt if - from my perspective - there was nothing she was bringing to the table, so to speak, and it therefore appeared to have been something to 'do', or something with which to hurt me.

 

One of the ones my ex cheated with, right at the end when I was in preparation mode for leaving him, was a helluva dog actually. But, apparently, she was just 'there'. Nice.

[bohogirl]

I would far rather feel "threatened" because I wasn't in her league, than cheapened because she wasn't in mine. I would rather feel that the stakes just got higher and I needed to lift my game, than feel that the "prize" wasn't worth the candle because it was thrown away on any old minger.

 

I'm aware of how trite that sounds. Perhaps I'm just shallow.

 

Your truth is is your own, cannot judge you on that. I actually understand totally.

 

So you would now see your spouse as someone to be fought for. If you keep him you've "won" in the face of serious competition.

 

Reminds me that the BS may not actually love her WS but won't let this particular AP to "win". Or, if the BS has become complacent the fact that someone else wants her spouse may focus her on "lifting her game".

[bohogirl]

If I could see her as some sort of 'prize' in a shallow way, really fanciable, wickedly funny, or a fantastic person, I could understand it better. I could understand the attraction. We all encounter people with a spark who interest us and in different circumstances might interest us emotionally/sexually if we were single.

 

I would be more hurt if - from my perspective - there was nothing she was bringing to the table, so to speak, and it therefore appeared to have been something to 'do', or something with which to hurt me.

 

One of the ones my ex cheated with, right at the end when I was in preparation mode for leaving him, was a helluva dog actually. But, apparently, she was just 'there'. Nice.

 

Thank you for this. Very perceptive.

[Silly_Girl]

Your truth is is your own, cannot judge you on that. I actually understand totally.

 

So you would now see your spouse as someone to be fought for. If you keep him you've "won" in the face of serious competition.

 

I think whether you WANT him or not, the same applies to be honest. If I kick his a$$ out, I'd still rather not feel (for whatever reason) that the OW was a step down. Makes it harder to stomach, if the relationship has been lost because of it.

 

Reminds me that the BS may not actually love her WS but won't let this particular AP to "win". Or, if the BS has become complacent the fact that someone else wants her spouse may focus her on "lifting her game".

 

I think those things can be true.

[bohogirl]

I take your point.

[bohogirl]

I don't believe this is true for the vast majority. There are very few true sadists among us.

 

The fact that the BS's hurt feelings correlate with the selfish, conscious decision of the WS to have an affair doesn't necessarily mean that the WS engaged in the affair with the intention of hurting the BS.

 

The ultimate reason for an affair is virtually always to relieve the emotional void the WS feels--a purely selfish act.

 

Anger defends against depression, it's easier to find anger for the WS if we choose to believe that the affair was malicious. But really, all justification aside it's not about the BS at all, it is a PURELY SELFISH act--it's all about the WS.

 

This really touched me.

 

In the midst of all the recriminations it is very hard to believe that the WS intentions were not deliberate. Especially when there has been many DDays and gaslighting for months/years. How could he not know his behaviour would heap more pain on the people he professes to love?

[OWoman]

Your truth is is your own, cannot judge you on that. I actually understand totally.

 

So you would now see your spouse as someone to be fought for. If you keep him you've "won" in the face of serious competition.

 

Reminds me that the BS may not actually love her WS but won't let this particular AP to "win". Or, if the BS has become complacent the fact that someone else wants her spouse may focus her on "lifting her game".

 

For me, I would go more for the latter than the former. (I wouldn't see the need to compete with "her" for him - if he loved her and wanted to be with her rather than with me, that would be his choice. He is an adult and does have a say in the matter ) But, if he fell for some "hot piece of stuff" or some infectiously bubbly charmer or Stephen Hawking's brighter sister, it would be a wake up call to me - that my man was worthy of someone like that, that I had no business being smug or complacent in his love for me, and that if I wanted him, I had better make sure I deserved him.

[Owl]

To respond to the OP....

 

I too was one of those guys who said "If she cheated I'd be gone so fast there'd be a hole in the air where I'd been standing.".

 

When it actually did happen, I fought tooth and nail to save our marriage. And I'm glad I did...things have worked out wonderfully since then.

 

But with that said...now knowing what I went through then, and what I've learned as a result...if she were to do it again, I have no doubt that I absolutely would leave.

 

I forgave and worked hard to recover once. I wouldn't do it a second time.

[cyabye]

Are you that tough on all mistakes i.e. no second chances?

 

Mistakes no. Poor "CHOICES" that lead to cheating.......now? YES!

 

cya

[bohogirl]

For me, I would go more for the latter than the former. (I wouldn't see the need to compete with "her" for him - if he loved her and wanted to be with her rather than with me, that would be his choice. He is an adult and does have a say in the matter ) But, if he fell for some "hot piece of stuff" or some infectiously bubbly charmer or Stephen Hawking's brighter sister, it would be a wake up call to me - that my man was worthy of someone like that, that I had no business being smug or complacent in his love for me, and that if I wanted him, I had better make sure I deserved him.

 

 

How many times would you do the dance? WS carries on with OW, you find out, you turn up the passion, he cheats.....

 

Owl - Because you have so much compassion (witnessed on these boards) isn't more likely that you would try and work it out in the first instance?

[2sure]

It would matter to me.

 

If my H chose a gruk, I would feel very cheapened and demeaned. It would be far more reassuring to me if he chose someone attractive, with class, who I could feel was "in my league". That probably makes me very superficial, but that is how I feel.

 

 

lol. I'm laughing because our views always differ but on this I agree. It is superficial , but that is how I felt. Part of me felt as though: If your going to cheat, and thats the best you can get...there is even less to you than I thought. Suddenly, I no longer felt him attractive enough for me.

[strawberrysprinkles]

I tried to save our marriage at the expense of my dignity. Never again. We are planning to divorce.

[2sure]

I tried to save our marriage at the expense of my dignity. Never again. We are planning to divorce.

 

I did too. Same results as yourself.

Dont beat yourself up about feeling that you tossed away your dignity.

Life is humbling, dignity can be lost.

 

Keeping your Integrity is much more important.

[Dexter Morgan]

IMO it is a very secure BS to be able to work out the marriage.

 

 

so if a BS doesn't want to stay with a cheater, then they are insecure?

 

I would agree that someone who works on the marriage may be secure.....but someone who divorces the cheater is even more so secure. Because now they have to be secure enough because they will out in the dating world soon again. Also secure because they don't need the cheater.

[Owl]

I think that a BS who chooses to ACTIVELY WORK to recover the marriage and save it is probably a secure person.

 

I think that a BS who chooses to ACTIVELY WORK to dissolve the marriage because they believe that there's no reason to reconcile is probably a secure person.

 

Either direction can be taken from a position of strength.

 

It's the people who don't choose anything...or don't choose to engage in the hard work required in either decision...those are the insecure ones.

 

Passivity is a sign of insecurity. Action a sign of security. The direction you move in is irrelevent.

[nayeli_forever]

In a previous long-term relationship, my SO cheated on me, we broke up and he dated OP for a couple of months only to decide that I was the person he wanted to be with. At this point, I believed we should have gotten engaged, but didn't.

 

A year passed, things got better btw us and then SO fell in love with another girl. We broke up for good.

 

First time around, I was furious, hurt etc but decided to give him another chance albeit very hard on me. Second time was doubly hard but after IC I realized I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me equally.

 

If my future SO cheats on me, I strongly believe that I would end the relationship, based on my previous experience. But who knows, every situation is different.

[xxoo]

I think that a BS who chooses to ACTIVELY WORK to recover the marriage and save it is probably a secure person.

 

I think that a BS who chooses to ACTIVELY WORK to dissolve the marriage because they believe that there's no reason to reconcile is probably a secure person.

 

Either direction can be taken from a position of strength.

 

Very insightful and true, I believe.

 

In answer to the OP, I have no idea what I would do. The experience would change us both forever, I'm sure, and I don't know who I'd be and what course I'd choose after that kind of life event.

[Owl]

How many times would you do the dance? WS carries on with OW, you find out, you turn up the passion, he cheats.....

 

Owl - Because you have so much compassion (witnessed on these boards) isn't more likely that you would try and work it out in the first instance?

 

I'm not sure what you mean with "the first instance"? Clarify please, and I'll try to answer.

[bohogirl]

When emotions have cooled after DDay.

[WowReally]

Or, does it depend on how you feel on DDay/6 months/12 months later.

 

I learnt that i could not be with someone whose promises meant nothing.

 

Would you put the betrayal behind you in return for a promise of fidelity?

 

Well honestly I thought my answer would be a flat out no second chances - F him goodbye but I know how torn long term married people can be NOW. Do you kiss your history goodbye without a second thought? Based on my XMM and his history with his wife, NO you don't even after multiple slip ups.

 

It's a tough question to answer without actually going through it as the BS

[WowReally]

exactly. which is why I say people that stay with someone who cheated are settling.

 

I guess it really depends on how you look at it.

 

It's very easy to say settling when you really dont know the inner workings and history