What will you do if your spouse/SO cheats on you?

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL:)

Now what is your real answer if they were truly remorseful ?

 

same.

 

I don't care if they are remorseful. that is my real answer. one of my X's in college, who wanted to marry me, cheated and was remorseful. she also got put to the curb.

[Dexter Morgan]

Even if I stayed with him, it would never be the same. I'd be picturing him screwing someone else when we have sex, I'd drive myself crazy not being able to trust him and I'd not love him in the carefree, disgusting way I do now.

 

 

exactly. which is why I say people that stay with someone who cheated are settling.

[Silly_Girl]

exactly. which is why I say people that stay with someone who cheated are settling.

 

But do you accept that this violation perhaps carries less weight for some? And that a previously very happy, very loving relationship would be worth the effort? Couples don't generally divorce due to illness for example, yet it can consume a relationship. For some their relationship, and that person, is so valuable to them they would work for it and consider infidelity another obstacle to be overcome in a marriage such as redundancy or illness or bereavement.

 

Does it mean you cannot respect those people, Dexter?

[2sure]

Leaving a marriage right away because of cheating ...even with what happened to me...I wouldnt give that advice. In the big picture, with all the crisis that happens in the course of a marriage, a life...your spouse simply banging someone else isnt the worse thing you'll have to deal with. You just have to be able to deal with it together.

[Dexter Morgan]

But do you accept that this violation perhaps carries less weight for some?

 

sure, and they have to learn the hard way.

 

 

And that a previously very happy, very loving relationship would be worth the effort?

 

but if they think looking at a SO that f####d someone else behind their backs and having inner turmoil here and there with triggers is "worth the effort", hey, to each his own. a better person is out there for them...its up to them to settle.

 

 

 

Couples don't generally divorce due to illness for example

 

illness isn't a betrayal of trust. apples and oranges.

 

 

yet it can consume a relationship.

 

illness isn't intentional and not because one person decided to f### the other one over

 

 

For some their relationship, and that person, is so valuable to them they would work for it

 

well it wasn't so valuable for the one that cheated obviously.

 

 

Does it mean you cannot respect those people, Dexter?

 

not at all....just because someone is desperate and the thought of divorce is too scary to even think about doesn't mean I don't respect them.

 

I've been where they were. i was one of those cuckolded guys once who struggled with wanting to keep my marriage. Then I woke up.

[bohogirl]

OP, your second sentence is very wise. Discovering infidelity brings with it such powerful emotions. To arrive at mental state where you can reach the conclusion that the words of an adulterer are very likely meaningless shows growth.

 

To answer the question you posed, regarding accepting the promise of fidelity from someone proven to be untrustworthy - there was a time during my divorce where all I wanted to hear from my wayward wife was that.

 

It would've been a terrible mistake, but I very likely would have believed her and attempted recon. I'm thankful that she didn't waiver in that regard. I think BS's go through a period where they're particularly vulnerable, and perhaps more accepting of things that aren't true. Fear drives this vulnerability, IMO.

 

You are very self-aware.

[bohogirl]

I believe that reading the LS infidelity boards makes it far more difficult to reconcile after an affair. Anecdotal evidence of success rates, the back sliding, the length of time it takes etc. is overwhelmingly depressing.

 

The fear of taking a chance and being taken for a fool again is very real.

 

IMO it takes a very strong character to make a go of things after a betrayal.

However, if there is more than one affair is the BS demonstrating strength of character or co-dependency?

[TaraMaiden]

The cheating itself wouldn't bother me. The lying to me and taking me for a mug, would.

 

An affair isn't a mistake, accident or a "just happened". They are conscious decisions to hurt someone for personal gratification.

 

And that's why I wrote the response I did.

 

Plonking it between another woman's legs isn't what I'd ultimately find the most disrespectful and offensive "crime". The pre-meditated, intentional and deliberate act of deceit, is what I would take umbrage to.....

[JamesM]

It would all depend on what the situation was.

 

Was it a one time thing? What was the motivation? Did she lie alot to cover it up? Who was it with?

 

I think I could move on easier if it were not physical. Having never been there, I cannot answer from experience. However, if her affair was the reason for a poor sex life and I have been beating myself up trying to solve that problem, then it would be hard for me to believe that she suddenly loved sex with me after not for such a long time. Then I don't know that I could see past the fact that she enjoyed sex with another man while not enjoying it with me.

 

I do know that many marriages do recover from an affair. But it never is easy. It takes complete honesty from both people.

[bohogirl]

I understand cheating with friends and family being a dealbreaker. But what about someone much younger/older, different race/culture etc. Would that make a difference if you are open in theory to reconciliation?

[What_Next]

I always knew deep down that if she had an affair I'd walk. I obviously never wanted to test the theory. Well, she did and I've chosen to divorce. There is no way I will EVER remove those images from my head.

 

A one time "cheating", you know I could forgive although I suspect I'd want my pound of flesh after the fact, but an affair is a wholely different animal IMHO.

 

I can't speak for what comes down the road, but for now our marriage is over and I am moving on with a new lady.

[OWoman]

I understand cheating with friends and family being a dealbreaker. But what about someone much younger/older, different race/culture etc. Would that make a difference if you are open in theory to reconciliation?

 

It would matter to me.

 

If my H chose a gruk, I would feel very cheapened and demeaned. It would be far more reassuring to me if he chose someone attractive, with class, who I could feel was "in my league". That probably makes me very superficial, but that is how I feel.

[redtail]

Not discounting everyone's opinion, but alot of the ones who said their M would be done, seem to have never been through infidelity invading their M.

 

Maybe, but there's many I know of who have prior experience that lead them to that conclusion. Me included.

 

...

There's many factors to weigh in prior to your decision to stay, or throw in the towel:

Is the WS remorseful and truly sorry for what they did? Is the WS willing to do whatever it takes to fix what they broke? Can you as a BS be willing to eventually forgive what your WS did? Are you as a BS willing to put everything you got into fixing what's been broke? Are you willing to walk out on a limb and trust again?

...

 

I would agree that these must be in place to have even any chance of reconciliation. In my opinion however, the odds are still not in your favor.

[JustJoe]

If my SO cheated, there would be no second chance, never, ever. I would have to put too much work into reconciling, and wouldn't be able to do it without resentment. Recovery of trust, alone, would be next to impossible. I simply don't think that there is anything she could possibly do to make it right. The disrespect also would be a huge issue. And this doesn't even get into the sex questions I would have. No, it would be a lost cause, even if she was truly remorseful. I look on a relationship as a living entity, once killed by infidelity, it can never be brought back to life again. Infidelity isn't a mistake, it is a willful choice.

[bohogirl]

It would matter to me.

 

If my H chose a gruk, I would feel very cheapened and demeaned. It would be far more reassuring to me if he chose someone attractive, with class, who I could feel was "in my league". That probably makes me very superficial, but that is how I feel.

 

Interesting. What about if she was someone that you could never be? Whether mensa smart, a modelesque beauty or whatever. What if you could not compare yourself favourably?

[spriggig]

An affair isn't a mistake, accident or a "just happened". They are conscious decisions to hurt someone for personal gratification.

 

I don't believe this is true for the vast majority. There are very few true sadists among us.

 

The fact that the BS's hurt feelings correlate with the selfish, conscious decision of the WS to have an affair doesn't necessarily mean that the WS engaged in the affair with the intention of hurting the BS.

 

The ultimate reason for an affair is virtually always to relieve the emotional void the WS feels--a purely selfish act.

 

Anger defends against depression, it's easier to find anger for the WS if we choose to believe that the affair was malicious. But really, all justification aside it's not about the BS at all, it is a PURELY SELFISH act--it's all about the WS.

[spriggig]

I'll just add this, until you're actually confronted with the situation, you don't really know what you'd do. You think you know--"I have too much self-respect", blah, blah, blah.

 

Just before our wedding, I told her "If you ever cheat on me, consider the marriage over." I know I'm not alone in having done this, others have said the same thing on here.

 

Then it happened.

 

You don't know.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't believe this is true for the vast majority. There are very few true sadists among us.

 

The fact that the BS's hurt feelings correlate with the selfish, conscious decision of the WS to have an affair doesn't necessarily mean that the WS engaged in the affair with the intention of hurting the BS.

 

The ultimate reason for an affair is virtually always to relieve the emotional void the WS feels--a purely selfish act.

 

Anger defends against depression, it's easier to find anger for the WS if we choose to believe that the affair was malicious. But really, all justification aside it's not about the BS at all, it is a PURELY SELFISH act--it's all about the WS.

 

I never said they intended to hurt the BS. But they do consciously engage in choices that they know will cause pain. Their reasons aren't to hurt but for selfish, ignorant justifications. *shrug* And I did know.

[Steadfast]

 

I don't believe this is true for the vast majority. There are very few true sadists among us...*snip*...the ultimate reason for an affair is virtually always to relieve the emotional void the WS feels--a purely selfish act...

 

 

Void, schmoid. I believe the intent is overwhelmingly malicious, and that is not just based on personal experience. One does not have to plan and scheme with anger to cut loved ones off at the knees. Most, if not all cheaters know when the information gets out, great damage will result. Most either don't care, or secretly relish the thought of a little payback for their suffering; perceived or otherwise. For once perhaps, they are heard.

 

That's early tho...later, when everyone else catches up, the fallout starts.

 

I've shared before that my parents went through this and their marriage survived it. I can say that it never went completely away, and those involved in rebuilding/recons should be aware that it changes everything. I believe how people react has little to do with what happened or why and everything to do with the character of those involved. In my parents case, pop told me that mom was far more mature than he was, and basically held everything together for years. He did realize however, that he not only loved her (while admitting the romance was waning...) but did not, and could not face waking up in a house without his boys in it. For this, I am thankful. To my mom, first, and dad second. He toughed it out.

 

He told me once it hit him like a bolt of lightning; just how much he loved mom. I always wondered why they slept apart, but that too changed. Now he's gone and with him, most of her too. He was hers and she was his.

 

It CAN be overcome.

 

Sadly, for me and people like me, my blown into bits marriage was a one person affair for longer than I care to admit. No active remorse (lip service) no active participation (abandonment, for the most part) and no clue; just a selfish desire to keep me handy to save face and address unwanted chores while holding fast to the 'freedom' she gave so much up for. Our 'love' was a fraud, a lie, no matter how teary-eyed she is now. Real love isn't. Real love grows, strengthens and feeds on turmoil.

 

Real love lasts, as long as the people who share it have breath. Period.

[spriggig]

I never said they intended to hurt the BS.

I quoted the entirety of your post, if "someone" doesn't refer to the BS especially considering the context of the thread, then who? "Conscious" implies intent and "for personal gratification" implies a sadistic motivation. I don't see how I could have misinterpreted your post.

 

But they do consciously engage in choices that they know will cause pain. Their reasons aren't to hurt but for selfish, ignorant justifications.

 

I mostly agree with this.

 

*shrug* And I did know.

That was a separate post, not directed to you specifically but to the universal "you". More in response to the thread in general. I did say "I'll add", but I didn't mean "add to my reply to you."

[witabix]

Kill her and feed her to the pigs.

 

No,

 

just feed her to the pigs.

[spriggig]

Void, schmoid. I believe the intent is overwhelmingly malicious, and that is not just based on personal experience. One does not have to plan and scheme with anger to cut loved ones off at the knees. Most, if not all cheaters know when the information gets out, great damage will result. Most either don't care, or secretly relish the thought of a little payback for their suffering; perceived or otherwise. For once perhaps, they are heard. ...

 

In order of the intent to be "overwhelmingly malicious", doesn't one have to "plan and scheme with anger", almost by definition?

 

I still don't think that the almost universal result of the BS feeling hurt is proof that the WS acted with that result as the primary motivation. Correlation is not causation. And, you said yourself that some of them "secretly relish the thought of a little payback." I agree but, is "a little payback", then, the PRIMARY motivation?

 

I think that the very common claims of emotional void, disconnectedness, and drifting apart along with a fear of confrontation are the main reasons the WS initiate the quest for an affair, or at least don't turn away from the opportunity. There is no doubt that the WS contributes to the problems, and also no doubt that they often inflate the charges to justify their own selfish desires. But, almost always, even the BS will admit that the charges are based in fact.

 

Once rolling, the affair is maintained to "get that hit" of emotional high as one LSer confessed--literally, the hormones released during "love".

 

When cheaters say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", I believe that is a true statement. The opposite of love is apathy and that is what they are trying to convey with this statement.

 

Pure selfishness describes most WS's actions during an affair down to a tee, malicious intent does not. If they were truly malicious, wouldn't they rub your nose in it right from the start instead of hiding?

[bentnotbroken]

I quoted the entirety of your post, if "someone" doesn't refer to the BS especially considering the context of the thread, then who? "Conscious" implies intent and "for personal gratification" implies a sadistic motivation. I don't see how I could have misinterpreted your post.

 

 

 

I mostly agree with this.

 

 

That was a separate post, not directed to you specifically but to the universal "you". More in response to the thread in general. I did say "I'll add", but I didn't mean "add to my reply to you."

 

 

Conscious in their intent to have sex with someone other than their spouse. Conscious in their intent to lie about it. Conscious in the decision to continue with the act that one knows will hurt if the BS finds out. They aren't concerned for the feeling of the BS only their own sexual, emotional jacked up selfish feelings. And for me personal doesn't imply sadistic, but for you it might. So yes you misinterpreted my post.

[pureinheart]

I believe that reading the LS infidelity boards makes it far more difficult to reconcile after an affair. Anecdotal evidence of success rates, the back sliding, the length of time it takes etc. is overwhelmingly depressing.

 

The fear of taking a chance and being taken for a fool again is very real.

 

IMO it takes a very strong character to make a go of things after a betrayal.

However, if there is more than one affair is the BS demonstrating strength of character or co-dependency?

 

Hi BHG,

 

This reply is factual IMO...and I would say co-dependancy would be the case with repeated A's.

 

Like it has been said (Tony), LS is meant to be a support site, not a social gathering. In the process of getting the support, there is a lot of anger, and the release of it...with a new member having open wounds and vulnerable, those that are still in the hatred and anger stages can project this quite easily, and can be confused for support... basic influence/peer pressure.

[pureinheart]

Kill her and feed her to the pigs.

 

No,

 

just feed her to the pigs.

 

No bunnies for you:p....(((((hugs)))))