bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Or, does it depend on how you feel on DDay/6 months/12 months later. I learnt that i could not be with someone whose promises meant nothing. Would you put the betrayal behind you in return for a promise of fidelity?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Would you put the betrayal behind you in return for a promise of fidelity? nope I'd put the so-called SO behind me in the promise of never wanting to see them again.
redtail Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Since I've been cheated on in the past, divorced and remarried, my current wife knows that I have a zero tolerance policy. So the answer for me is; yes, I do put the betrayal behind me but no, there are no second chances. I too can not remain with someone who can not honor their promises.
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 nope I'd put the so-called SO behind me in the promise of never wanting to see them again. LOL:) Now what is your real answer if they were truly remorseful ?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 OP, your second sentence is very wise. Discovering infidelity brings with it such powerful emotions. To arrive at mental state where you can reach the conclusion that the words of an adulterer are very likely meaningless shows growth. To answer the question you posed, regarding accepting the promise of fidelity from someone proven to be untrustworthy - there was a time during my divorce where all I wanted to hear from my wayward wife was that. It would've been a terrible mistake, but I very likely would have believed her and attempted recon. I'm thankful that she didn't waiver in that regard. I think BS's go through a period where they're particularly vulnerable, and perhaps more accepting of things that aren't true. Fear drives this vulnerability, IMO.
Citizen Erased Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Even if I stayed with him, it would never be the same. I'd be picturing him screwing someone else when we have sex, I'd drive myself crazy not being able to trust him and I'd not love him in the carefree, disgusting way I do now. He wouldn't be the person I thought he was. Even if I tried, and I love him so who knows, it would kill the relationship eventually.
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Since I've been cheated on in the past, divorced and remarried, my current wife knows that I have a zero tolerance policy. So the answer for me is; yes, I do put the betrayal behind me but no, there are no second chances. I too can not remain with someone who can not honor their promises. Are you that tough on all mistakes i.e. no second chances?
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Even if I stayed with him, it would never be the same. I'd be picturing him screwing someone else when we have sex, I'd drive myself crazy not being able to trust him and I'd not love him in the carefree, disgusting way I do now. He wouldn't be the person I thought he was. Even if I tried, and I love him so who knows, it would kill the relationship eventually. I agree with you.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Since I've been cheated on in the past, divorced and remarried, my current wife knows that I have a zero tolerance policy. So the answer for me is; yes, I do put the betrayal behind me but no, there are no second chances. I too can not remain with someone who can not honor their promises. Anybody that learned from being cheated on likely has this perspective. I agree with this. Zero tolerance is the way to be.
Woggle Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Divorce her and throw her out on the street.
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 The cheating itself wouldn't bother me. The lying to me and taking me for a mug, would.
redtail Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Are you that tough on all mistakes i.e. no second chances? While that is an excellent question, it sounds like it's from someone who has not been cheated on. Please excuse me if I'm wrong, but to my way of thinking, an affair can not be viewed as a simple mistake. To put it bluntly; "Sorry honey, I scratched the car" or "Sorry honey, I've been ****ing some one I've been seeing secretly for the past 6 months." is not on equal footing. So to honestly answer your question, absolutely not, I'm actually a softie. My current SO did scratch the car, and came home very apologetic. And to me I was just glad she wasn't hurt! The car is a thing, so what, it can be replaced. There was no deceit, no lying, a simple mistake.
karnak Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Are you that tough on all mistakes i.e. no second chances? A person getting drunk (and having intimate contact with other) and feeling sorry for that one time... that could be an accident. Mantaining a secret relationship with another person for days, weeks, months or years... that's no accident - IT'S HIGH TREASON!
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Or, does it depend on how you feel on DDay/6 months/12 months later. I learnt that i could not be with someone whose promises meant nothing. Would you put the betrayal behind you in return for a promise of fidelity? Only if I eat a hot pile of steaming crap first:laugh:
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Are you that tough on all mistakes i.e. no second chances? An affair isn't a mistake, accident or a "just happened". They are conscious decisions to hurt someone for personal gratification.
redtail Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Only if I eat a hot pile of steaming crap first. An affair isn't a mistake, accident or a "just happened". They are conscious decisions to hurt someone for personal gratification. Very good, your answers all always short, concise and to the point. My wife tells me, "I ask you what time it is and you tell me how to build a watch!"
blizzard Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) Leave. Split. Vamanos. I believe that only until you've been the OW/OM do you honestly see the "inner" cheater and lies he is capable of. Once dday has occurred, the OW/OM are the ones with unclouded judgement of him. No pressure to take him back due to vows, committment, finances, MC, kids etc. We see them at face value. Due to my experience in an affair, I would not stay and believe in one iota of what he had to say. I am now aware of the lines that he would have told the OW, the way he touched her, the I love yous, the promises. I too think BS can be vulnerable. And pressured by so many factors to make it work. Edited September 15, 2010 by blizzard
Mad Max Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 If it's an SO, no second chance. You lie to me, put your own needs first, and put my health at risk. No second chance. I'm an easy going guy, but I'm not a pushover. If it's a spouse, if I can prove you did cheat, I'll have you arrested. Yes, adultery is a crime. You want to screw me over, I'll get you back 10x worse. Like I said before, I'm an easy going guy and very likeable overall. But, don't screw me over. I will get you back and it will be way worse when I do it.
fltc Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Marriage depends on trust, respect and love. If my wife cheated on me I could never trust her again, I could never respect someone who broke a solemn vow and my love for her would no longer exist because I'd realize I didn't love her, I loved the woman I thought she was. I'd be left with no basis for the marriage to continue.
Pyro Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I'd have to dump her on the spot and never look back. I tried to make things work before with a cheating ex but she had no tolerance for my lack of trust in her while I was trying to make things work. It was too much stress for me to handle so I would avoid it if it ever came up again.
seibert253 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Not discounting everyone's opinion, but alot of the ones who said their M would be done, seem to have never been through infidelity invading their M. Prior to my FWW's A, I would have been one of the ones screaming; she'd be gone, I'd help her pack her sh#t, blah, blah. But, until you're faced with the reality of losing everything, and having to see your kids only 3 or 4 times a week, you don't know how you'll react. Plus, you seem to lose focus on how much you really love someone, until they betray you. If you didn't care, it wouldn't hurt. There's many factors to weigh in prior to your decision to stay, or throw in the towel: Is the WS remorseful and truly sorry for what they did? Is the WS willing to do whatever it takes to fix what they broke? Can you as a BS be willing to eventually forgive what your WS did? Are you as a BS willing to put everything you got into fixing what's been broke? Are you willing to walk out on a limb and trust again? If you cannot answer yes to all these, then maybe it's better you split. In my instance I was able to answer Yes to all of them, so I decided to give it a chance. I don't regret that decision at all. In many ways, my M is better than ever. All of us are different. I had a good buddy of mine who tried, but after a few years finally realized he could never forgive or trust his WW. He traveled the D train. He's better now because of that. All of us have our breaking points, and possess things we can put up with, and things we cannot. Some can overcome an A, heal, and move forward as a couple. Others cannot and have to split in order to heal. What works best for you in your instance, is what's right.
PegNosePete Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I would kick her out and divorce her. And no, that's not just words. I've kicked her out, and just waiting for the 1 year to be up so I can divorce her azz. If we had a longer marriage or kids then maybe I'd be a bit more willing to reconcile. It would depend on how she acted.
bentnotbroken Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Very good, your answers all always short, concise and to the point. My wife tells me, "I ask you what time it is and you tell me how to build a watch!" Glad I could give you a chuckle for the day. :)My kids would argue with you on the short part.
YellowShark Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Not discounting everyone's opinion, but alot of the ones who said their M would be done, seem to have never been through infidelity invading their M. Prior to my FWW's A, I would have been one of the ones screaming; she'd be gone, I'd help her pack her sh#t, blah, blah. But, until you're faced with the reality of losing everything, and having to see your kids only 3 or 4 times a week, you don't know how you'll react.I have thought about this before. My Xh did have an EA (possible PA) and I stayed with him, I think in large part due to low self esteem. It was, however, the major turning point in our relationship, I never felt the same for him after that. Thats my story. The EX had an EA with a guy she used to work with. I literally had my bags packed then we decided to work things out and went to couples therapy. We had two kids, 1 hers and 1 mine. We set goals and boundaries and that was that. Everyone makes mistakes and I loved her and so I decided to bite the bullet and give her a second chance. But the trust was never the same, no matter how hard I tried to let go of the betrayal there was always a voice in my head that said "look out... she may do it again." I really tried hard to ignore it and move on. But that voice of self-preservation would raise it's head occasionally. Well.... two years later she had ANOTHER EA that went PA. That time I was packed and out the door within 4 days flat. No second chances, no negotiations. Therefore... "Once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater."
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