Finally going to look at rings! But... really don't want a certain groomsman.

[MarthaX]

I've been with my boyfriend over 10 years now and he told me we'll be looking at rings soon and to be engaged this year! I'm very excited. Planning will start soon.

 

We've talked about who we would want in the wedding (a couple months ago) and one of the guys is this friend, even after a certain incident.

 

Earlier this year we were at a friend's party (my boyfriend's friend). I hadn't seen him in a few years, back in the day he used to pretend he forgot my name and try to get my boyfriend to not like me, like if I ever complained about anything. He was always immature and a bit rude. Because it's my boyfriend's friend I absolutely one thousand percent play nice and just roll with his rude/immature punches, almost like I dismiss them.

 

Well at his party I gave him a hug, so nice to see you, wow it's been a while! Big smile, congrats on the stuff you've got going on!

 

Well later that night we're all sitting around and out of the blue he lays into me as if he's been waiting forever to let me know all's not forgotten (as if anyone cares) and to make sure I know juuuuust what he thinks.

 

He mentions my first boyfriend (from about 11 years ago, mind you. And I'm telling you the honest to god truth, we dated about 3 months and I never spoke to him again. He was just a jerk, it was over, I was like 13 or 14!) that he is friends with, maybe still, not sure how close because he wasn't even at the party.

Well he said in front of everyone how we did sexual things together. Well of course, that was my boyfriend at the time! (we just did risque things in risque places)

But the way he was saying it was not "let's take a walk down memory lane," not one bit. He was saying this stuff to me in front of about 10 people like as if it happened only the day before!

 

It was beyond the WEIRDEST thing ever. I was so insulted and this totally came out of nowhere (nooowheeere). He gave me looks and said "it was gross, you really grossed me out."

I was mortified! My boyfriend was so sooo mad, after we left we were just like "what WAS that?" and he was like "I'm so mad at him like you have no idea, I don't know what his problem is."

 

Well honestly, I don't want this guy in my wedding. I don't want him at the rehearsal dinner at the table with my family and friends and the friends of my boyfriend whom have always been the nicest most welcoming guys ever. And I especially, ESPECIALLY, do not want him in our pictures like the groomsmen and bridesmaids and our parents. I don't want to see his face. He can of course come to the wedding as it's my boyfriend's friend, but I do not want him in it.

 

I'm afraid my boyfriend may not see eye to eye with me on this because he is still his friend and they've known eachother just as long as he's known me, maybe a year longer.

 

Am I wrong? I absolutely do not want to even see this guy's face. Like I said, this wasn't harmless, he had intent and that was the only ammo he had.

[TaraMaiden]

If your BF was as mad as you describe, he may actually be sympathetic. hell, he might not even want him at the wedding at all!

 

Anybody disrespected my other half in that way, I would grab them by the scruff of the neck and have a quiet word in their little shell-like....read the riot act and make it quite clear it's completely unacceptable.

 

What did your BF do while all this was being played out, exactly?

[MarthaX]

I really wondered that myself, but then he said he'd have him in the wedding in the list of friends. I asked why, and he said "yeah well he's my friend I've known him forever" (about as long as me but they aren't as close as other friends of his) They aren't even like "brothers" at least.

 

I have been afraid to mention it to him again. Reason being-- I am afraid my boyfriend will think I feel threatened and will keep me out of any social situations that this guy is in. He doesn't live around here anymore but visits. I know him to have such a strong feeling that that is how he'd deal with it. Even though I would not allow anything to start! I smiled the whole time he said these things to me and said "oh my gosh, that was gross, huh?" (like tooooootally staying out of it)

 

While this was going on my boyfriend kept grabbing his friend away and practically gritting his teeth, in a nutshell to shorten. I then excused myself, I just left the room, and about 8 minutes later everyone had dissipated, we left after that. I don't think they've spoken since then, however its not unusual for them to go long periods without talking.

 

I want to bring it up but I keep trying to wait until we are engaged and officially talk about this stuff... but it gets in my head and gets me so mad!! I also worry I'll make myself sound wrong like make him feel like I'm deciding for him if he still really wants him in it.

Edited September 14, 2010 by MarthaX

[TaraMaiden]

This is your future husband you are talking about. if you are afraid of confiding in him and telling him how upset and uncomfortable this makes you feel, what are you going to do if you hit a crisis?

This guy was openly and publicly offensive towards you. His "friend's" future wife.

There comes a time when the rubber hits the road and we all have to make choices. I'm afraid, in my opinion, you are going to have to toughen up.

 

Tell him you've thought about this long and hard, tried to get past it, and tried to reason with yourself, but you just hit a block.

You don't want him there, and you would feel very upset and uncomfortable sharing what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life with someone who was absolutely completely disrespectful towards you BOTH, and way, way out of line.

If you're really worried about doing this, maybe you could get a mutual friend to mention to you husband-to-be how unhappy you are about the whole thing, and how stressed it's making you feel.... then let him ask you about it.

 

Either way, I really think you're going to have to take a deep breath, and be glaringly honest with him.

The guy isn't welcome.

[MarthaX]

Thank you, I like how you worded what you think I could say to my boyfriend. I really do need to talk to him. I was thinking the friend just not being IN it was enough but really feel I could do without him being there, period.

I am afraid he'll forgive him because he's known him so long and then I have to deal with him there on that day. I don't really care if they're friends as long as he never gives me prolems again. Which is doubtful, he's too immature. Maybe he just doesn't like me, maybe it's only the maturity factor.

I figure if they stay friends it will be to an extent.

My boyfriend certainly sounded like he wasn't planning on saying bye to him by mentioning he wanted him in the wedding.

 

Oh my god there is NO way that is happening. It makes me so mad. I think we need to talk. I wonder, should I wait until we are actually engaged? I worry they'll become buddy buddy between now and then if he comes around, then it will be too late. But I don't want to stress him out with wedding stuff if we aren't officially engaged yet... I may wait a few months. But I think about this situation often.

Edited September 15, 2010 by MarthaX

[InternationalPlayboy]

This should be a no-brainer for him. Before my wife and I married, one of her friend's said something not terribly kind about me...and that was the last we heard of her. My wife cut off this friend cold turkey. And we haven't looked back. Likewise a relative of mine was openly rude toward my wife before we married - and I happily ended the relationship with that relative and have been happier as a result. Once couples get married, friendship dynamics change anyway, this guy's days are numbered especially if your BF already is agitated with him.

 

Good luck and congratulations.

[InternationalPlayboy]

But - just a word of advice. The wedding is one day in your marriage. One frigging day. A decade from now the two of you will fail to remember many minor details...Don't let this friend ruin it either way.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you, I like how you worded what you think I could say to my boyfriend. I really do need to talk to him. I was thinking the friend just not being IN it was enough but really feel I could do without him being there, period.

I am afraid he'll forgive him because he's known him so long and then I have to deal with him there on that day. I don't really care if they're friends as long as he never gives me prolems again. Which is doubtful, he's too immature. Maybe he just doesn't like me, maybe it's only the maturity factor.

I figure if they stay friends it will be to an extent.

My boyfriend certainly sounded like he wasn't planning on saying bye to him by mentioning he wanted him in the wedding.

 

Oh my god there is NO way that is happening. It makes me so mad. I think we need to talk. I wonder, should I wait until we are actually engaged? I worry they'll become buddy buddy between now and then if he comes around, then it will be too late. But I don't want to stress him out with wedding stuff if we aren't officially engaged yet... I may wait a few months. But I think about this situation often.

 

Let me put it to you this way:

if your BF does or says nothing to this particularly charming and engaging friend of his (!) this will be as good a signal to the guy that he can basically say anything he likes to you and get away with it, because by saying nothing, your BF is tacitly approving his behaviour.

 

You may have to compromise here (much as it may hurt you) and tell your BF that if he insists on this guy coming to the wedding, you want him to promise you that he will let said buddy know, in no uncertain terms, that

 

"neither of you are prepared to tolerate any kind of behaviour like that again, ever. If he plays up, is disrespectful rude or offensive in any way, you will both get him removed. Your BF is marrying you, he's delighted to be marrying you, he wants to marry you, and in the "contest" between wife and buddy - the wife will win. Make no mistake.

You will want his solemn word that everything is now out of his system, he's done with that kind of behaviour and a repeat performance, at any time (let alone the wedding) will never, ever happen.

Is that clear? Are we agreed?"

 

Nothing but an unequivocal "Absolutely agreed" will do.

And you could further get your BF to tell him that he owes you an apology.

 

But - just a word of advice. The wedding is one day in your marriage. One frigging day. A decade from now the two of you will fail to remember many minor details...Don't let this friend ruin it either way.

 

Yeah, but as the whole thing suggests, it's a pretty important, significant and precious day in their marriage.

People don't plan these things for months, for nothing. They plan them to the infinitesimal detail to make sure it marks a milestone in their relationship, and is a public, legal and very celebratory affair.

"One frigging day" doesn't cover it.

It's a bloody important, highly detailed, meticulously planned "one frigging day". And she is absolutely completely within her rights to demand that it's not going to be spoilt by an immature mouthy jerk like this guy.

 

Damn right she is.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Yeah, but as the whole thing suggests, it's a pretty important, significant and precious day in their marriage.

People don't plan these things for months, for nothing. They plan them to the infinitesimal detail to make sure it marks a milestone in their relationship, and is a public, legal and very celebratory affair.

"One frigging day" doesn't cover it.

It's a bloody important, highly detailed, meticulously planned "one frigging day". And she is absolutely completely within her rights to demand that it's not going to be spoilt by an immature mouthy jerk like this guy.

 

Damn right she is.

 

True enough.

 

I come at it from a different tact as our wedding - if you can call it that - was spur of the moment and lacking detail. We eloped. But yes it is an important day, nonetheless. I just hoped this wouldn't be an undue stress if he attends or doesn't attend. It should not take away from her special day, is all.

[TaraMaiden]

Yep, we're in agreement here.

 

Just as a question, do you agree that she has the right to demand certain conditions, for her BF to specify to Mr. Loudmouth, there?

 

I really think, myself, that her BF should nail his colours to the mast. In my opinion (and I realise it is just my opinion) if he hesitates, then in a way, he's being similarly disrespectful to her.....

[InternationalPlayboy]

Yep, we're in agreement here.

 

Just as a question, do you agree that she has the right to demand certain conditions, for her BF to specify to Mr. Loudmouth, there?

 

I really think, myself, that her BF should nail his colours to the mast. In my opinion (and I realise it is just my opinion) if he hesitates, then in a way, he's being similarly disrespectful to her.....

 

I think she has every right to demand some things regarding anyone on the guest list. As does the husband. I believe, like I said in a previous post, the husband should cut ties with this friend before the wedding. Who cares how long they've known each other - it should be quality of a friendship that counts, not tenure.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I'm also of the opinion that it's time for the BF to step up to the plate.

 

I mean, really - how good a friend is this guy, if he can actually say all those things about his good buddy's future wife - in front of him!?

[MarthaX]

I don't want him to feel like I'm telling him who he can and can't be friends with, but I think it should be obvious to him in this case. I wish I spoke up more sooner to him. I think I assumed he'd drop him. Again though they haven't spoken or seen eachother since but he'll be around again... Maybe next month or November or December, not sure.

[TaraMaiden]

Well then you might need to ask a mutual friend - or your Mum even! - to say to him - "you DO know she really is bothered by this..... don't you....?"

 

And then hope he brings it up....

And be completely frank with him.

 

You're two, mature, responsible grown-ups.

Pussyfooting around an issue of this kind, with half-hearted intentions, and half-formed wishes is the stuff of college kids.

You really should be way past that now....

You guys are aiming to follow a commitment together. Maybe have children, and bring them up.... get a joint mortgage and buy a home....All sobering stuff.

Responsibility needs to be respected.

So say what you mean.

And mean what you say.

[MarthaX]

I didn't get the chance to bring it up this past weekend but am this coming weekend because I have to.

What if he refuses to recognize the severity of what that guy did? What if he stays friends with him?

I'm just worried he'll not see what I mean at all and just say "oh he was drunk" (as if being drunk makes someone dig like 10 years into the past and unleash onto someone like that)

I'm worried he'll be like "he's my friend" and that he really thinks that means he can do no wrong and that all is forgiven. Because I'll lose my mind. I should have brought this up earlier to him.

We are looking at engagement rings this weekend too. I hope it's not a bad time to talk about it.. I don't know what it is about this, I'm afraid he'll not take my "side". Am I wrong to think they shouldn't be friends at all anymore?

Edited September 22, 2010 by MarthaX

[TaraMaiden]

Listen very carefully.

Stop 'projecting' your fears into 'what ifs' and 'yes buts'....

State your case.

 

tell him you're not going to go into blackmail "if you loved me you'd do this for me" or make him choose a forever situation...

You're not asking him to never see his friend again, or never talk to him, or never have anything to do with him ever again. That's his choice.

 

But you felt so hurt, embarrassed and attacked by the guy, and seeing him, or having him at the wedding would make you feel scrutinised and very self-conscious. The plain truth is - you don't want him there, and to have him there would unsettle your day.

if he insists on having his friend there, then you have your answer. (tell him.)

You have to suck it up and endure it, and put up with his presence.

But your BF had better be sure, in no uncertain terms, you won't be happy.

[luvstarved]

I agree with TaraMaiden...

 

I do understand that it is a little bit of a delicate situation beyond this one ********* potentially.

 

You're finally getting married, and you don't want to come across as though, now you've got the ring (or soon will have), and now his chains are going on!!!! A lot of guys fear this, esp at this age and while hopefully most of his friends are not like this one jerk, he might feel sheepish or controlled, and even well-intentioned, young, 20-something guys might interpret it that way...

 

But. This is a very good test of your relationship. I agree no "blackmail" feel.

 

I would say something like, if we're going to be together, we have to be mutually supportive and understanding. I do not want to own or control you and do not want you to own or control me. There will be times when your needs and feelings will have to take precedence, and some where mine will have to take precedence. I have told you that I do not want [insert jerk's name] in our wedding. I told you that because I feel very strongly about it. I cannot have someone in my wedding who clearly bears me ill will. I do not want ANYONE in my wedding who is not delighted for and supportive of us. This guy is not merely unsupportive, he is malicious toward me and has been embarrassingly vocal about it.

It is extremely important to me that you understand my feelings about this and support them. If he wants to come to our wedding at all, it needs to be with the understanding that if he has nothing good to say, then he needs to say nothing at all. If you want to be his friend, that is largely your business. I only make it my business when it affects me, as it would on OUR WEDDING DAY! I would like the minimal qualification for ANYONE in our wedding party to be that they support our relationship and respect us. [Jerk] does not meet either of these.

[aerogurl87]

This should be a no-brainer for him. Before my wife and I married, one of her friend's said something not terribly kind about me...and that was the last we heard of her. My wife cut off this friend cold turkey. And we haven't looked back. Likewise a relative of mine was openly rude toward my wife before we married - and I happily ended the relationship with that relative and have been happier as a result. Once couples get married, friendship dynamics change anyway, this guy's days are numbered especially if your BF already is agitated with him.

 

Good luck and congratulations.

 

This. I just cut my "best friend" out of my life for a similar reason. She kept talking about my boyfriend saying he was this and that, I could do better, etc. I warned her, she kept up the behaviour, and was cut off. I personally don't care to speak to her again because if she can't respect my boyfriend who has done nothing wrong to her or myself, then she can't respect me. Tell your fiance exactly how you feel about having this guy at your nuptials and in them especially, and let him know you don't want him in your wedding and the exact reason why.

[MarthaX]

Thank you for the replies, it helped me to finally be able to talk to him.

 

What I did was ask him "so who will be in the wedding for your side?" and I named two obvious people and asked "who else, did I miss anyone?" (like totally acting as if I have no idea what he'll say) and he mentioned this guy. I really got upset and told him I really don't think he should be in it.

 

I told my boyfriend I don't want him there at ALL, but that choice is up to him. I asked him to do whatever he wants concerning him, if he's going to still talk to him then that is up to him, but I do not want him in the wedding. And he said ok that's fine, he won't be in it. At first he sounded like he really was sure he wanted him in it.. so I was glad he understood and said ok he won't be in it.

 

He said he's known him all his life, he said "I don't even KNOW what his problem was, I just don't even know." I think it's like a "we'll see what happens" situation, like it was just such a weird thing that I think he can't just say goodbye to his friend forever just like that. I know him enough to know if this guy did something like this again he'd say forget it, I think that would be the final nail in the coffin.

 

I am totally an overthinker and I can't help but add this-- I really worry he'll leave me out any time this guy is around in the future, like I wonder if he'll be worried of him saying something again. Or if because this guy said it in front of several people that he'll want to just keep me out of things or something. I don't know why I think he'll do that but it's driving me nuts.

[naya1]

if i dont kill him myself, i will hire a hitman.

 

thats all.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for the replies, it helped me to finally be able to talk to him.

 

What I did was ask him "so who will be in the wedding for your side?" and I named two obvious people and asked "who else, did I miss anyone?" (like totally acting as if I have no idea what he'll say) and he mentioned this guy. I really got upset and told him I really don't think he should be in it.

 

I told my boyfriend I don't want him there at ALL, but that choice is up to him. I asked him to do whatever he wants concerning him, if he's going to still talk to him then that is up to him, but I do not want him in the wedding. And he said ok that's fine, he won't be in it. At first he sounded like he really was sure he wanted him in it.. so I was glad he understood and said ok he won't be in it.

 

He said he's known him all his life, he said "I don't even KNOW what his problem was, I just don't even know." I think it's like a "we'll see what happens" situation, like it was just such a weird thing that I think he can't just say goodbye to his friend forever just like that. I know him enough to know if this guy did something like this again he'd say forget it, I think that would be the final nail in the coffin.

 

I am totally an overthinker and I can't help but add this-- I really worry he'll leave me out any time this guy is around in the future, like I wonder if he'll be worried of him saying something again. Or if because this guy said it in front of several people that he'll want to just keep me out of things or something. I don't know why I think he'll do that but it's driving me nuts.

I think the opposite.

I think he will either completely avoid the guy so as not to have to explain to him why he didn't get the invitation (Though if dumb@ss does have any brain matter between his ears, he will hazard a guess) or your BF will ensure a meeting between you all, socially, just to see whether said friend takes it up - which will then give him the perfect excuse to declare "See now - THAT'S why you weren't invited!" and ditch him for good.

 

Look - you have a wedding to arrange. Fer chrissakes, just focus on that!

 

You don't have a tendency to overthink.

You have a tendency to highlight the possible negatives, because "overthinking" would also take you into good thought patterns.

You let your negative thoughts snowball.

You weave stories for yourself, build up imaginary scenarios, and you create a wall of gloom, made up of whatif's.....

 

You have to stop the snowballing.