Mind Riot Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 (edited) I've been single for over 5 months now after a 4 year relationship. I finally got over my ex about a month ago when I realized I don't want him anymore and I'm happier without him. I had been talking to and playing an online MMORPG with a guy who was separating from his wife for a couple of months. He told me he just wanted to be friends so in my head he was completely in the "friend zone". This was until about a month ago he knew he was finally moving into his own place and the separation was really going to happen. Then he started to persue me, flirt with me, we spent more time talking, texting, and playing the game. He asked for a first date just over 2 weeks ago. It went well and for 2 weeks we saw each other 7 times. I liked him before we met just talking but after meeting it was great... I started to get attached right away, I just couldn't help it. I even told him I was getting attached in case he wasn't sure of what he wanted just yet. He would refer to me as his girlfriend, told me he liked me, wanted me to be with him, etc. Last week we were on the phone and got to talking about how we feel about each other, etc. He told me he didn't want a serious, committed relationship right away but he didn't want to see other women. I offered to remain friends with him until his divorce was final. He said "No, I don't want to risk you meeting another guy and losing you." So I said we can take it slow and just enjoy each other's company. He was OK with that. Then this past weekend comes... it was my birthday and we had a great time hanging out at his place Friday night with a bottle of tequila (my idea), pours his heart out to me when he got drunk about how much he likes me and he's scared of getting hurt, we're kindred spirits, etc. Saturday night he takes me out to dinner and a movie. I could tell he was depressed and something wasn't right. Sunday he tells me he really likes me but is not ready for a relationship and just wants to be friends and that he needs to get counseling and get over the resentment he has for his wife, that he was scared those feeling would cause him and I to blow up eventually. And he also has 2 small children which makes him very depressed because he can't see them every day anymore. My head completely understands this and knows what he is doing is right but try to tell that to my heart! So here I am over my ex completely but now I'm totally hung up on this guy. I knew I should never have tried to get involved with a separated man. I just liked him so much I took the risk and yeah, boy am I hurting right now. And I've been hurt a few times while dating these past few months but not like this. I'm at a place where I don't want to see anyone else. I want to be with this guy but I don't want to be with him if he doesn't want to be with me or can't give me what I need. I don't know what to do other than remain his friend... But if he ends up dating other girls or goes back to his wife it will destroy me. So maybe we shouldn't try to be friends... but then I'm scared if I say that and we're not in contact anymore he won't want to date me when he's through with counseling and ready to move on, etc. Usually I'm a strong woman but right now I feel so vulnerable and stupid for caring enough about him to want to stick around in case he truly does like me as much as he says he does. Man, I just wish he never persued me and just stayed my friend until he was ready to move on. I'm sorry if that was mixed up or confusing, just ask for details if you like. This is hard for me to talk about in a public forum because I'm a very private person but I needed to vent and get this out somehow and maybe get some advice from people who have been in the same situation. Any constructive input would be greatly appreciated, thank you. Edited September 14, 2010 by Mind Riot
EasyHeart Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 This is a great example of why we should never get involved with separated/recently divorced people. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do now -- you're already attached to him. I think the best thing is to go No Contact with him. If you try to stay friends, you will just keep opening up your emotional wounds. He is doing you a big favor by telling you that he is not ready for a relationship, and it sounds like he won't be for quite awhile. I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but you need to separate from him and that means No Contact.
Author Mind Riot Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Yeah, I know that would be the best thing. Right now we're not talking much and I don't talk to him first. I'm not gonna try but I don't think I can ignore him right now. I think if it ends up bothering me at some point I will totally end all communication and tell him not to contact me until/if he is ever interested in dating again... Then just leave it at that. All I know is I can't date anyone right now, I definitely need a break from all of this BS. Luckily my firends will be keeping me busy here for the next couple of months so that will help a lot. Thank you so much for your honest opinion. It does help to hear from someone else who doesn't know me and is not trying to make me feel better.
sugarmomma Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Post this on the OW/OM forum and you won't be vulnerable and stupid for long. They can really help you over there.
EasyHeart Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 What's the OW/OM forum?"Other Woman/Other Man" Forum -- it's one of the other forums in LoveShack. I'd also suggest the "Breaking Up" forum. You'll get more responses in those forums than over here in "Dating". Be strong.
Author Mind Riot Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) Thank you for the suggestions. Does dating a separated guy really qualify me as the "other woman"? I never looked at it that way because I have friends and family who dated while separated before the divorce. I went ahead and posted this over in the breakup section. Edited September 15, 2010 by Mind Riot
What_Next Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Well I can weigh in on this one, oh boy can I weigh in on this one. Here we go, short version my marriage (6 yrs been together for 20) is ending. I am moving into my own place on Oct 1. The marriage is ending because of an affair on her part. Am I "over" here? No. Am I ready to move on? Yes. Now, that being said I am not sure what will happen in the long term. She is getting counsiling and is openly saying she will get me back. I have no intentions of taking her back as the wounds are fresh and I don't think I'll ever get beyond it anyway. OK, about a week or so ago I met a woman and we have so far seen each other 4 times and we are getting along VERY well. There is a connection there. Most definitely a connection. We have even been discussing sex. Now she knows the entire story of my marriage, my situation etc. I hid NOTHING. I know I am not necessarily ready for a long term relationship just yet. She knows this as well. I will say this, I was never the one to date many woman at once (seems this was more my wife's style...) so therefore I don't think I'd have a problem with exclusivity. However, I am NOT interested in anything long term from the perspective of marriage etc. In fact I am likely to NEVER marry again. Now once again she knows this. She is OK with it and she is taking it one day at a time. She has 2 children and I have 1 so that also affects the speed we move at. Well from the outside looking in his confession to you was born from confusion and alcohol. A BAD combination in his state. The key question is whether or not he is interested in reconciling with his wife. If he isn't then proceed with caution, but be warned he will be up and down like a yoyo.
sugarmomma Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Thank you for the suggestions. Does dating a separated guy really qualify me as the "other woman"? I never looked at it that way because I have friends and family who dated while separated before the divorce. If he is married and you are not his wife, you are the Other Woman. Please post this over there so you can get some help. You're hung up on someone's husband. I noticed that you haven't thus far and maybe because you don't want to hear the truth. Your story is there and many more but you will get the support you need.
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