4givrnt4gtr Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 So, I broke up with my boyfriend due to a huge misunderstanding. Actually i posted about it here last week. In any case, i was so sure i wanted out, i couldn't understand him, and I just got majorly freaked out. I broke it off, while he tried over and over to make me reconcider. Three days later we met for the last time, as he wanted to have one last conversation. at this point i didnt think anything could change my mind. Thankfully I listened to him, and was able to ease my fears and help me see him in a new light. It basically felt that whatever made me hold back for the past 6 months was cleared out after the conversation we had. For the first time since we started dating I feel like I can completely commit to him. Unfortunately, even though he is happy things worked out, I feel like he is very gun shy and afraid I will hurt him again. I feel like he is a bit more distant and less eager to talk about a future. I feel horrible because I know this was my doing but I would do anything to reassure him that I won't leave him again. Now, i know it will take time, but what could I do to reassure him and help him see that this time things are very different and I am fully ready to be with him thru thick and thin? Any ideas?
Billie The Puppet Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 You can do a non traditional female propose to male. This if marriage is the type of future you are talking about. You could also assure him by having a heart to heart. I want a second chance myself but this is also something I fear. Be honest with him and explain your reasons for leaving the first time.
cody19 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I'm no expert but I'm gonna try to put myself in this situation. I'm still stuck on hoping my ex will reconsider... Anyways if she did I know it would take some talking through/getting over. I'm hurt you know. So I'm sort of in his position only not in the second chance... so I'm going to imagine if I had a second chance. My take would be that NOTHING you can say/do will 100% make him feel better. You can reassure him, you definitely need to do that. Admit you made a mistake. Say you feel really bad and that you don't want to do it to him ever again. And just give him time. Don't get too upset if he is still hurt by it after a while. Just reassure him yet again. Actually this is all the same stuff I did when my girlfriend and I were in a stage of... well we weren't "dating" but we were pretty much there and getting there. Well I made the mistake and made out with someone else. I told her about it. I felt so guilty and ****ty so I let her know. She obviously wasn't happy. If my memory serves me correctly we didn't talk at all for a day or two (a lot for how much we were talking) and she did some thinking and even talked to her grandma (who said once a cheater always a cheater but also sort of said maybe she should give me another chance ha.) Anyways... Point being it took her time.. and even to this day (now that she broke up with me) she says she would be so upset with me if I said I didn't feel guilty for what I did. At one point (in desperation of her re-thinking us) I asked her does she really want me to have sex with other people.. she said she don't care. But I said what if it was the "xxx" (girl I made out with) and she said she would never love me again and hate me. So she still has some heartache over it is how I take it. So I think that time is the best thing and just make sure you tell him you won't ever do it again, but more importantly act it out... and act like you don't want to do it again. It's not so much WHAT you say but HOW you say it. And what you DO. My two cents. Hope it helps... And good luck to the two of you. I know I wish I could have this situation so I hope you guys make it work.
Griffey Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I need to hear more about this conversation you two had. What did this guy say to you lol?
Darren Steez Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Give it time, only your actions will rebuild what is broken, you show him every day that you care and it will become easier for him to open up. Good luck
cody19 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I need to hear more about this conversation you two had. What did this guy say to you lol? Yeah I'm wondering this too.
Don Ho Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I think it will take time and reassurance on your part. As you go along keep reassuring him and demonstrating that you have changed and you are different. I think time will take care of the rest. Good luck!
CaliGuy Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Dumb question: Why do you feel the need to sit down, converse and work things out BEFORE breaking up with someone? If you are wondering why there is a problem with regaining trust, perhaps you can understand that you didn't handle the relationship correctly the first time. What's going to stop you from doing the same thing again? Cheers.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 I need to hear more about this conversation you two had. What did this guy say to you lol? And also to respond to Cali guys's question. What happened was that in the six months that we were dating I kept feeling something was amiss with him. His behavior sometimes frightened me because I couldn't understand it and, though he is normally a very sweet and caring guy, sometimes random bouts of paranoia and anger made me wonder if there was something wrong with him. I tried several times to ask him about this and rationalize his behavior but my gut kept telling me something was wrong. I didn't think it could be solved, as he kind of hinted that he had been through a rough time before we met and described certain situations but nothing that could give me a clue for his behavior. Although I felt something was missing of the bigger picture, I didnt think it could be solved and I ended up thinking our personalities just didn't match. I agonized over this and even went to a therapist who, after analyzing how I had been feeling over the course of the relationship, suggested that my best bet was to end the relationship, Anyhow, my boyfriend was terribly hurt by all this. He had told me before that noone ever stayed in his life once they knew about his past. I already knew some details of his past, which were indeed somewhat disturbing, but what was more frightening was his random behavior that could not be explained by what he had told me already. One thing I do want to tell you all, if girls are generally like me, once we make up our mind about leaving, no amount of begging, promises or "but I love you" will make a difference. When he tried to convince me to stay, as much as I do love him, all I could think of was, "ok, say I stay, at the end of the day my concerns have not been address, nothing has changed and I will end up feeling anxious and afraid again, why go through all this all over again, there is no way". What happened that did make a difference was that at the end, when he had accepted I had to go, he told me that, since he had nothing left to lose, he was going to tell me the entire, unedited story of his past. He started from the begining, told me everything that happened to him, what he did and where he was at the time we started dating. Basically, he was honest and clear with me. It was a painful story, but everything he told me made all his "odd" behavior perfectly rational in that context. I realized that i HAD been missing a HUGE part of who he was. I had only seen about 40% of him and he was now presenting me with the rest. Basically, our problems were based on lack of honesty from both sides, him from wanting to hide part of him out of fear I would reject him (which totally backfired) and me from not being able to tell him from the get go that his behavior scared me. After he told me this I told him that that story was what I had been asking all along. I wanted to KNOW him entirely, good and bad, because otherwise it was impossible to make sense of him. I felt a huuuuge relief hearing all this, knowing he wasn't "crazy" or trying to fool me in some way. So, Im not sure if any of my story will help you guys, but if anything I do tell you that trying to convince the person who wants to leave to stay only makes it more likely that they will stand their ground. Another thing that impress me about my boyfriend was that he was very calm about the break up (at least at first). He listened to me, and avoided getting defensive when I brought up potentially difficult things. He didn't attempt to manipulate me into staying or be overly offensive. I felt heard and respected. Also, when he accepted the break up, he thanked me for the good times, praised my qualities and wished me to have a happy life. That made me even more aware of the quality person this man is. In the middle of a lot of pain he was able to take a step back and be noble. I love that about him. So thats my story. I am willing to do anything to regain his trust, and he has been very honest about being gun shy which i dont blame him for. I love him very much and I will give him time, and treat him the best way I can to make him see, all that was holding me back from fully loving him is gone now. Im so excited to start over and have a true loving relationship. I wish you all good luck. Even if your exes dont come back, you all deserve to be in a loving and supportive relationship. Unfortunately not everyone will be able to give it to you, but someday you will find someone who can.
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