Update & I could do with your view? .....

[hopeless4u]

I've not posted in a while and it's taken me a long time to find the words for this thread, I've written it a thousand times in my mind and if I'm honest I thought I'd be able to put this to one side and carry on but it's eating away at me so I need to share and maybe get some insight from you guys.....Here goes....

 

I won't go into my back story as I'm sure most of you know and those who don't can look.

 

So the end of July I broke NC with xMM, I know you all told me NC was the way forward and I agree but I needed this.

 

I sent an email to his work account simply saying 'Can I talk to you please?'

 

I expected one of three options, #1 No reply=my closure, #2 An email saying No=my closure and #3 An email asking what I wanted to talk about?=I'd cross that bridge when I came to it as I wasn't expecting it.

 

Now I need to fill you in on why I sent this email.....the 6 month mark was coming up and we (xMM & I) had always said at 6 months he would know one way or the other what he wanted and as much as I didn't 'want' to hear him say he didn't want me I 'needed' to hear it for me, for my closure, I needed my head and my heart to be on the same page because as much as my head knew the outcome my heart still ached everyday and the tears still came whenever I was alone....

 

All that said I got the outcome I had expected....No Reply....

 

So I arrange my IC, and got strict with myself and my feelings.

Lots of things happened and although xMM was still in my head most days and most nights I was getting better, IC was really working for me and I was truly seeing the difference, I even slept at night a couple of times without the help of alcohol!!

The way I see it is that I had given xMM the chance to talk if he had wanted and he didn't so for me, no regrets, painful but nessesary!

 

Almost a month later, my mobile rang, I was in the middle of moving heavy furniture so just picked it up, noticed it was a number that wasn't in my phonebook but didn't really look, answered it and it was him!!

 

I was so shocked he had to ask if I was still there....I was like 'errr, what do you want?' Him 'I've been thinking about your email and think we need to talk' WTF??

Almost a month later HE wants to talk??

 

So I'll try to keep this shorter than the beginning, he wanted to come to my house and talk, he could of said what he said over the phone. He told me all the same things he'd told me before but added how 'that' phone call his BW made to me had 'damaged' her so much that she may never get over it and that it was because of me, because I had told her more than I needed to!!

 

Lots more was said but I need to post so just ask and I will fill in the blanks.

 

The one thing I will add from what he said in the hour he was in my house just confirmed that he is still there out of guilt and pity and he will stay there for guilt and pity for as long as he has to....sad but true.

 

I have a few opinions on why, my IC also has opinions and as you can imagine my friends have theirs but I'd love to hear your views on why he had to come to my house to tell me this (its almost an hours drive away), to tell me all the things he told me the last time we spoke? Why not just say these things in an email or over the phone?

[donnamaybe]

Maybe because he wanted to see if you'd sleep with him? Can only do that in person, after all.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't understand it, to be honest. But if he's 'warning you off' maybe he thought it would only be properly conveyed in person. ??

 

Is it possible he's genuinely concerned for his wife's health and wants to be sure you stay away?

[desertIslandCactus]

 

 

Now I need to fill you in on why I sent this email.....the 6 month mark was coming up and we (xMM & I) had always said at 6 months he would know one way or the other what he wanted and as much as I didn't 'want' to hear him say he didn't want me I 'needed' to hear it for me, for my closure, I needed my head and my heart to be on the same page because as much as my head knew the outcome my heart still ached everyday and the tears still came whenever I was alone....

 

He told me all the same things he'd told me before but added how 'that' phone call his BW made to me had 'damaged' her so much that she may never get over it and that it was because of me, because I had told her more than I needed to!!

 

Lots more was said but I need to post so just ask and I will fill in the blanks.

 

The one thing I will add from what he said in the hour he was in my house just confirmed that he is still there out of guilt and pity and he will stay there for guilt and pity for as long as he has to....sad but true.

 

?

 

 

Because saying things in person, make what is said more meaningful. And it's not the kind of thing that should be said impersonally over the phone or email.

 

It is surely understood that you needed closure. Closure is good to have when starting NC.

 

It doesn't seem necessary that you understand his reasoning for staying with his wife. She Is his wife, and they are entitled to be together.

 

Lastly, that bit about accusing you of saying too much to his wife - is his cowardly way of passing the blame to you .. Ignore it .. MM in this situation are not known for taking any responsibility!

 

I wish you the best in overcoming him and your caring for him.

[hopeless4u]

I don't understand it, to be honest. But if he's 'warning you off' maybe he thought it would only be properly conveyed in person. ??

 

Is it possible he's genuinely concerned for his wife's health and wants to be sure you stay away?

 

He's always known I'd stay away, it was me who said we couldn't be friends when he went back home and had to go NC.

 

He said this was for my closure and that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he had treated me but again all he said different to before was how the phonecall had damaged his W.

[hopeless4u]

Maybe because he wanted to see if you'd sleep with him? Can only do that in person, after all.

 

LOL, a couple of my friends said this but as I didn't curl up and become the victim he expected.....no dice I'm afraid!!

[Owl]

He came over because the feelings developed in an affair are addictive...and that just gave him another, deeper fix than if he'd have just talked with you on the phone.

 

He did it because he could. He knew you'd cave and let him come over even before he asked.

 

He knows that you're dealing with that same addiction...which was what your email asking him to talk told him.

 

The question isn't why the rat ate the cheese...the question is when are you going to rat-proof the cheese container? :)

[hopeless4u]

Because saying things in person, make what is said more meaningful. And it's not the kind of thing that should be said impersonally over the phone or email.

 

It is surely understood that you needed closure. Closure is good to have when starting NC.

 

It doesn't seem necessary that you understand his reasoning for staying with his wife. She Is his wife, and they are entitled to be together.

 

Lastly, that bit about accusing you of saying too much to his wife - is his cowardly way of passing the blame to you .. Ignore it .. MM in this situation are not known for taking any responsibility!

 

I wish you the best in overcoming him and your caring for him.

 

 

I agree that saying these things in person mean more but he has already said all the things he said apart from a couple of things about his W's state of mind which is why I'm confused. He was also fighting back tears a few times and had to stop talking and just look away.....

[Silly_Girl]

I agree that saying these things in person mean more but he has already said all the things he said apart from a couple of things about his W's state of mind which is why I'm confused. He was also fighting back tears a few times and had to stop talking and just look away.....

 

That sounds really hard on you, very unsettling.

 

I have an ex who harasses me every time he and his OH have a bust-up. Perhaps he's had a wobble and felt the need to reach out.

 

Hope you manage to move on robustly

[hopeless4u]

He came over because the feelings developed in an affair are addictive...and that just gave him another, deeper fix than if he'd have just talked with you on the phone.

 

He did it because he could. He knew you'd cave and let him come over even before he asked.

 

He knows that you're dealing with that same addiction...which was what your email asking him to talk told him.

 

The question isn't why the rat ate the cheese...the question is when are you going to rat-proof the cheese container? :)

 

 

HAHA Owl, my IC said almost the same thing!! Trust me I'm under no illusion about this man, since I started IC I am seeing him in a different light and it is good for me but hearing how you guys see this helps even more.

 

Yes maybe I should of said no to him coming round but I'm glad I did. I have gone through the whole visit, conversation and body language(his) with my IC and it really has opened my eyes:)

[hopeless4u]

That sounds really hard on you, very unsettling.

 

I have an ex who harasses me every time he and his OH have a bust-up. Perhaps he's had a wobble and felt the need to reach out.

 

Hope you manage to move on robustly

 

I'm OK SG, no better, no worse than before the visit tbh. Just lots of questions going through my head thats all.

 

I still love the man he was when he was with me but I'm getting closer to realising 'that man' has gone, long gone:(

[2sure]

He told me all the same things he'd told me before but added how 'that' phone call his BW made to me had 'damaged' her so much that she may never get over it and that it was because of me, because I had told her more than I needed to!!

He blamed YOU???? He blamed you for damaging his wife. That takes the cake. Way to man up. The BW called you, you tell her the truth and now its your fault, not his, that she is damaged. Further, from the way he said "may never get over it" ...he makes it sound as though Now he HAS to stay and thats your fault too!!!

 

The one thing I will add from what he said in the hour he was in my house just confirmed that he is still there out of guilt and pity and he will stay there for guilt and pity for as long as he has to....sad but true.

 

No, it isnt true but it is sad. In the same conversation he tells you he cannot leave his wife because YOU have damaged her , he tells you he cannot leave his wife because SHE makes him feel guilt and pity.

 

He is blaming everyone but himself for circumstance only he created.

[Owl]

HAHA Owl, my IC said almost the same thing!! Trust me I'm under no illusion about this man, since I started IC I am seeing him in a different light and it is good for me but hearing how you guys see this helps even more.

 

Yes maybe I should of said no to him coming round but I'm glad I did. I have gone through the whole visit, conversation and body language(his) with my IC and it really has opened my eyes:)

 

Awesome...sounds like a positive use of a negative event.

 

And proof that there are intelligent counselors out there!!!! :D

 

I should become one someday.

 

Hang in there...keep him out of your life now, and work on the good things that are coming your way!

[hopeless4u]

He told me all the same things he'd told me before but added how 'that' phone call his BW made to me had 'damaged' her so much that she may never get over it and that it was because of me, because I had told her more than I needed to!!

 

He blamed YOU???? He blamed you for damaging his wife. That takes the cake. Way to man up. The BW called you, you tell her the truth and now its your fault, not his, that she is damaged. Further, from the way he said "may never get over it" ...he makes it sound as though Now he HAS to stay and thats your fault too!!!

 

The one thing I will add from what he said in the hour he was in my house just confirmed that he is still there out of guilt and pity and he will stay there for guilt and pity for as long as he has to....sad but true.

 

No, it isnt true but it is sad. In the same conversation he tells you he cannot leave his wife because YOU have damaged her , he tells you he cannot leave his wife because SHE makes him feel guilt and pity.

 

He is blaming everyone but himself for circumstance only he created.

 

Yes you are right he is blaming everyone else although he did drop in the conversation that his BW did not deserve the pain he put her through then added.....get this....'WE' I mean!!

 

Yes I told her the truth but I only answered her questions, I admit if I had been his W I would not of liked what I'd heard but SHE asked the question and it was HER choice how she dealt with it.....I'm sorry she became a victim but being a victim is her choice, harsh but true and staying out of guilt and pity is his choice, also harsh but true.

[Confused4Now]

He told me all the same things he'd told me before but added how 'that' phone call his BW made to me had 'damaged' her so much that she may never get over it and that it was because of me, because I had told her more than I needed to!!

 

He blamed YOU???? He blamed you for damaging his wife. That takes the cake. Way to man up. The BW called you, you tell her the truth and now its your fault, not his, that she is damaged. Further, from the way he said "may never get over it" ...he makes it sound as though Now he HAS to stay and thats your fault too!!!

 

The one thing I will add from what he said in the hour he was in my house just confirmed that he is still there out of guilt and pity and he will stay there for guilt and pity for as long as he has to....sad but true.

 

No, it isnt true but it is sad. In the same conversation he tells you he cannot leave his wife because YOU have damaged her , he tells you he cannot leave his wife because SHE makes him feel guilt and pity.

 

He is blaming everyone but himself for circumstance only he created.

This is so typical....I remember when I went knocking on my xMW's door and her H finally found out about us. She blamed why she wasn't with me saying who would do something like that. Go knocking on someone's door. She's never took ownership for what she's done. Always made excuses as to why she was not with me. That was 2 years ago....guess what she's still there. All it did was make things uncomfortable for a bit dealing with her H. He was messing around too....So this is their lifestyle..they cheat on each other and stay.

 

I finally realized this but I was a slow learner....as said many times I honestly thought my situation was much different than everyone else. I was so wrong.

[hopeless4u]

Awesome...sounds like a positive use of a negative event.

 

And proof that there are intelligent counselors out there!!!! :D

 

I should become one someday.

 

Hang in there...keep him out of your life now, and work on the good things that are coming your way!

 

I am positive right now Owl, I have my moments which is why it has taken me so long to post this and it does still hurt very much but I will not let him take me down.

 

I have good things in my life, my son is off to university in 2 weeks, my job is so positive and I have the best friends I could ever have....what does he have??? A lifetime of 'what if's' and 'maybe's'.....at least I have been true to myself, its one thing lying to everyone around you but lying to yourself......very sad.

[hopeless4u]

This is so typical....I remember when I went knocking on my xMW's door and her H finally found out about us. She blamed why she wasn't with me saying who would do something like that. Go knocking on someone's door. She's never took ownership for what she's done. Always made excuses as to why she was not with me. That was 2 years ago....guess what she's still there. All it did was make things uncomfortable for a bit dealing with her H. He was messing around too....So this is their lifestyle..they cheat on each other and stay.

 

I finally realized this but I was a slow learner....as said many times I honestly thought my situation was much different than everyone else. I was so wrong.

 

 

Yeah C4N, I agree he will always be there, he will never find the courage to leave. He will stay there and when he is old he will be a lonely, bitter old man with so many regrets.....again very sad but HIS choice.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Babe.... None of this matters. That was a chapter in your life that is now closed and you're moving on. You've made a lot of progress in the past 6 months, don't let this set you back. Keep going....his mistakes are his and you're better off without him. Good things are happening for you They will keep happening No more worries about this. Now for me to follow the advice I just gave you...

[ladydesigner]

Hey sweetie great to see you posting again and it sounds like you are in a much better state of mind. I think it helps when you start to see your xAP without the rose colored glasses and off the pedestal they come.

 

You sound very strong and it's great that you are in IC. Keep up the great work and with healing and moving forward. Don't let this latest incident get under your skin. If anything it just proves what a selfish jerk he is.

[NoIDidn't]

Babe.... None of this matters. That was a chapter in your life that is now closed and you're moving on. You've made a lot of progress in the past 6 months, don't let this set you back. Keep going....his mistakes are his and you're better off without him. Good things are happening for you They will keep happening No more worries about this. Now for me to follow the advice I just gave you...

 

..THIS...

 

Hey sweetie great to see you posting again and it sounds like you are in a much better state of mind. I think it helps when you start to see your xAP without the rose colored glasses and off the pedestal they come.

 

You sound very strong and it's great that you are in IC. Keep up the great work and with healing and moving forward. Don't let this latest incident get under your skin. If anything it just proves what a selfish jerk he is.

 

...AND....THIS.....

 

I wouldn't have let him come to my house as I don't do the closure thing, so I can't understand the email or being surprised that he came through the door you opened (even though it was a month later).

 

He now has a rock solid reason for staying - her damage. Whether he stays our of pity, guilt, love, whatever doesn't matter anymore. He will forever use her "damage" to stay.

 

So its a fruitless exercise in analyzing their M, her being a victim, or him being a coward. YOU ARE FREE OF THIS MESS.

 

Start acting like it.

 

Don't look back.

 

He went to your house to see a woman he thinks is pining over him and to have to tell her a *firm* "NO" to leaving his W. See him for the validation seeking emotional weakling that he is and then celebrate your FREEDOM.

 

He's still using you to feel better about himself.

 

NC all the way now? I hope so.

[fooled once]

I've not posted in a while and it's taken me a long time to find the words for this thread, I've written it a thousand times in my mind and if I'm honest I thought I'd be able to put this to one side and carry on but it's eating away at me so I need to share and maybe get some insight from you guys.....Here goes....

 

I won't go into my back story as I'm sure most of you know and those who don't can look.

 

So the end of July I broke NC with xMM, I know you all told me NC was the way forward and I agree but I needed this.

 

I sent an email to his work account simply saying 'Can I talk to you please?'

 

I expected one of three options, #1 No reply=my closure, #2 An email saying No=my closure and #3 An email asking what I wanted to talk about?=I'd cross that bridge when I came to it as I wasn't expecting it.

 

Now I need to fill you in on why I sent this email.....the 6 month mark was coming up and we (xMM & I) had always said at 6 months he would know one way or the other what he wanted and as much as I didn't 'want' to hear him say he didn't want me I 'needed' to hear it for me, for my closure, I needed my head and my heart to be on the same page because as much as my head knew the outcome my heart still ached everyday and the tears still came whenever I was alone....

 

All that said I got the outcome I had expected....No Reply....

 

So I arrange my IC, and got strict with myself and my feelings.

Lots of things happened and although xMM was still in my head most days and most nights I was getting better, IC was really working for me and I was truly seeing the difference, I even slept at night a couple of times without the help of alcohol!!

The way I see it is that I had given xMM the chance to talk if he had wanted and he didn't so for me, no regrets, painful but nessesary!

 

Almost a month later, my mobile rang, I was in the middle of moving heavy furniture so just picked it up, noticed it was a number that wasn't in my phonebook but didn't really look, answered it and it was him!!

 

I was so shocked he had to ask if I was still there....I was like 'errr, what do you want?' Him 'I've been thinking about your email and think we need to talk' WTF??

Almost a month later HE wants to talk??

 

So I'll try to keep this shorter than the beginning, he wanted to come to my house and talk, he could of said what he said over the phone. He told me all the same things he'd told me before but added how 'that' phone call his BW made to me had 'damaged' her so much that she may never get over it and that it was because of me, because I had told her more than I needed to!!

 

Lots more was said but I need to post so just ask and I will fill in the blanks.

 

The one thing I will add from what he said in the hour he was in my house just confirmed that he is still there out of guilt and pity and he will stay there for guilt and pity for as long as he has to....sad but true.

 

I have a few opinions on why, my IC also has opinions and as you can imagine my friends have theirs but I'd love to hear your views on why he had to come to my house to tell me this (its almost an hours drive away), to tell me all the things he told me the last time we spoke? Why not just say these things in an email or over the phone?

 

He's always known I'd stay away, it was me who said we couldn't be friends when he went back home and had to go NC.

 

He said this was for my closure and that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he had treated me but again all he said different to before was how the phonecall had damaged his W.

 

Hi H4u!! I am glad you updated.

 

See the 2 lines I bolded -- they are the opposite of each other. So maybe deep down, he was just waiting for WHEN you would break NC?

 

I think he respected you enough to tell you in person, and also throw some more blame your way. The entire affair is on him. HE was the married one; he shouldn't have done what he did. Now, don't think I am letting you off the hook you knew the risk of getting involved with someone who was married...or should I say, you should have know the risk and NOW you do know the risk

 

He came over because the feelings developed in an affair are addictive...and that just gave him another, deeper fix than if he'd have just talked with you on the phone.

 

He did it because he could. He knew you'd cave and let him come over even before he asked.

He knows that you're dealing with that same addiction...which was what your email asking him to talk told him.

 

The question isn't why the rat ate the cheese...the question is when are you going to rat-proof the cheese container? :)

 

Bingo. I agree with Owl.

 

I am positive right now Owl, I have my moments which is why it has taken me so long to post this and it does still hurt very much but I will not let him take me down.

 

I have good things in my life, my son is off to university in 2 weeks, my job is so positive and I have the best friends I could ever have....what does he have??? A lifetime of 'what if's' and 'maybe's'.....at least I have been true to myself, its one thing lying to everyone around you but lying to yourself......very sad.

 

You better NOT EVER let this/him take you down. You do have so much in your life to be happy about and positive about.

 

Now, stop worrying about him and his wife. Step one of getting over things. Stop caring about THEIR marriage. Focus on your friends, being the best friend to your friends that they have been to you! I know you leaned on them heavily (which is why they are best friends) and now it is your turn to be there for them (not that you haven't been). Congrats on your son; and I am sure this is very emotional for you.

 

I am so glad you are getting on with your life. Before you know it, this will all be a distant memory and you (when you have time) will be here supporting others in all different ways.

 

best of luck to you H4U .... I hope you continue on this positive journey!!

[hopeless4u]

Babe.... None of this matters. That was a chapter in your life that is now closed and you're moving on. You've made a lot of progress in the past 6 months, don't let this set you back. Keep going....his mistakes are his and you're better off without him. Good things are happening for you They will keep happening No more worries about this. Now for me to follow the advice I just gave you...

 

Thank you babe:p, I know I'm better off without him and the way I'm looking at it is the man I fell in love with has died, I'm morning him and will for a while but I get through it by remembering the pain I went through from the hands of the man he is now and that will make me stronger.

 

Yes you do need to take your own advice and you will....soon, very soon:rolleyes:

[hopeless4u]

Hey sweetie great to see you posting again and it sounds like you are in a much better state of mind. I think it helps when you start to see your xAP without the rose colored glasses and off the pedestal they come.

 

You sound very strong and it's great that you are in IC. Keep up the great work and with healing and moving forward. Don't let this latest incident get under your skin. If anything it just proves what a selfish jerk he is.

 

Hey LD, yes I am in a better place most days, I still get down now and then but thats only human right?

 

My IC has helped me so much and still is, she is very good:)

 

I am working so much at the moment so that helps as I'm pretty exhausted most nights and I even have a couple of guys paying me some attention, I'm not acting on it at the moment but its nice all the same:o

 

I hope you're doing ok hunny xxx

[hopeless4u]

..THIS...

 

 

 

...AND....THIS.....

 

I wouldn't have let him come to my house as I don't do the closure thing, so I can't understand the email or being surprised that he came through the door you opened (even though it was a month later).

 

He now has a rock solid reason for staying - her damage. Whether he stays our of pity, guilt, love, whatever doesn't matter anymore. He will forever use her "damage" to stay.

 

So its a fruitless exercise in analyzing their M, her being a victim, or him being a coward. YOU ARE FREE OF THIS MESS.

 

Start acting like it.

 

Don't look back.

 

He went to your house to see a woman he thinks is pining over him and to have to tell her a *firm* "NO" to leaving his W. See him for the validation seeking emotional weakling that he is and then celebrate your FREEDOM.

 

He's still using you to feel better about himself.

 

NC all the way now? I hope so.

 

 

Yes my IC said that nothing he said to me (she knows the whole conversation) convinces her that he was there for my closure (his reason for coming he said) and that the visit was all about him.

 

I won't be contacting him again but my guess and my IC also agreed that I've not heard the last from him and if that is the case I will be strong enough to deal with it.

 

Like I said earlier the man I fell in love with is dead, the man he is now and has probably always been in 'his' world is not a man I want to be with.

[hopeless4u]

Hi H4u!! I am glad you updated.

 

See the 2 lines I bolded -- they are the opposite of each other. So maybe deep down, he was just waiting for WHEN you would break NC?

 

I think he respected you enough to tell you in person, and also throw some more blame your way. The entire affair is on him. HE was the married one; he shouldn't have done what he did. Now, don't think I am letting you off the hook you knew the risk of getting involved with someone who was married...or should I say, you should have know the risk and NOW you do know the risk

 

 

 

Bingo. I agree with Owl.

 

 

 

You better NOT EVER let this/him take you down. You do have so much in your life to be happy about and positive about.

 

Now, stop worrying about him and his wife. Step one of getting over things. Stop caring about THEIR marriage. Focus on your friends, being the best friend to your friends that they have been to you! I know you leaned on them heavily (which is why they are best friends) and now it is your turn to be there for them (not that you haven't been). Congrats on your son; and I am sure this is very emotional for you.

 

I am so glad you are getting on with your life. Before you know it, this will all be a distant memory and you (when you have time) will be here supporting others in all different ways.

 

best of luck to you H4U .... I hope you continue on this positive journey!!

 

 

Thank FO, yeah I look forward to the time I can help someone else, hopefully soon:)

I will always be there for my friends, I could never of got through this without them:o

 

Its a strange road I'm on as some days I'm so tough with myself I think I'll never 'feel' again and then other days the pain is back and I just want to curl up and die but the good days are outwaying the the bad at the moment:) and hopefully one day soon I will find the 'middle'!!