lunita Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Well it looks like I've gotten my second chance!!! It has been a longggggg hard process as it's been more than 5 months of work but he finally said on Saturday that we are a couple again. I did a lot of low contact and some no contact...both of which have been successful....but not instantly. It certainly took a lot of time and patience. We slowly increased communication and have been spending more time together. We are at a point where we have chosen to leave the past behind so that we can start new, with the knowledge we have gained in this whole process. As I said it's been hard and at times when I just wanted to curl myself in a ball and shut myself off to the world, I instead started to think about my attitude on life and how to move forward. I feel like I am a wayyy better person now than I was. I'm happier and happier with myself. I took the time away from my ex to reconnect with friends and family and started eating better and exercising more. In my opinion, this is the only way you will have any success. The change has to start with you first (except in circumstances where your ex is a douchebag). If you have any questions, let me know. LS has been a great way to learn things and be around people that are going through the same thing.
Buccaneer55 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Well it looks like I've gotten my second chance!!! It has been a longggggg hard process as it's been more than 5 months of work but he finally said on Saturday that we are a couple again. I did a lot of low contact and some no contact...both of which have been successful....but not instantly. It certainly took a lot of time and patience. We slowly increased communication and have been spending more time together. We are at a point where we have chosen to leave the past behind so that we can start new, with the knowledge we have gained in this whole process. As I said it's been hard and at times when I just wanted to curl myself in a ball and shut myself off to the world, I instead started to think about my attitude on life and how to move forward. I feel like I am a wayyy better person now than I was. I'm happier and happier with myself. I took the time away from my ex to reconnect with friends and family and started eating better and exercising more. In my opinion, this is the only way you will have any success. The change has to start with you first (except in circumstances where your ex is a douchebag). If you have any questions, let me know. LS has been a great way to learn things and be around people that are going through the same thing. This is awesome to hear! I wish you the best in your relationship!
Thorgs Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I hope things work out! I wish I could say the same about having a second chance, but everything happens for a reason, right?
Author lunita Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Thanks to the both of you. As I said it's been a lot of patience and hard work, mostly on myself. Thorgs, I think your situation is best left behind you as it's not healthy. You are a good person and I think you deserve to be with someone who is mature and drama free. Focus on yourself. Once you start to do that, the right people will notice. If I didn't end up with my ex, it might be sad, but I know I'm a better person now so if I didn't end up with him, someone else wonderful would probably come along. Hang in there.
AlwaYs257 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Wow Lunita i'm glad you got your chance My q is can there ever be anything past a second chance? My ex has issues,and she left me for another guy in both times, I cant quit her,and i really do believe we're fated, So is it worth fighting for? check out the full story for more insight if ya need it. Thanks
Thorgs Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Thorgs, I think your situation is best left behind you as it's not healthy. You are a good person and I think you deserve to be with someone who is mature and drama free. Focus on yourself. Once you start to do that, the right people will notice. Thanks lunita, it means a lot. The funniest part of it all is that she is just shy of 10 years older than me. You would think maturity goes with age, but not in this case. I wish you the best on your 2nd chance. You are a better person and maybe all this hard work you put into yourself is just what you needed
cody19 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Man I hope I can get this situation ha. So for focusing on yourself... I assume you went through the period of not knowing what to do with yourself? What did you do then? My instance is I was going to school to be an optometrist but before that I was in love with graphic design. Now I am unsure. Optometry was not just something because of my girlfriend but it did only arise with her around (one of the things I consider how she helped make me a better person). So right now I can't help but see it as something based off of her (she was going to be a dentist). Anyways I don't like the school I'm at and now I don't know what to do. Go somewhere close to home, go to a big school where I would only know one person... go to a semi big school where my brother goes... Or switch to graphic design again and go to an "art" school in a place like Chicago or California where I would know NO ONE. They all seem very bad for me right now, I only have a few friends at the school I am at and I am not the best at being social. Never really have been. I usually feel awkward at parties unless its all buddies HA. I don't know I want to better myself... But I'm still stuck in my "stuck" stage. Do you have any advice?
Griffey Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Did you go NC right after the break up? How long? What is your advice to people just out of a break up in terms of NC and LC and their timing? Congrats!!
Thorgs Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Did you go NC right after the break up? How long? What is your advice to people just out of a break up in terms of NC and LC and their timing? Congrats!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t236658/
Author lunita Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) AlwaYs257 I'm not sure what your situation is, and every situation is different, but in mine, we were not involved with anyone else at any point. In your situation it sounds like there were other people involved. Having said that, if she left you twice for other people....is that really someone you want to be with? Don't you deserve more? It really shouldn't be her leaving you, you should leave her, if she treats you like that she will treat other people like that. I know it hurts but sometimes you have to cut your losses. Thorgs Stay strong. I shall continue to follow your story. I hope in time there is nothing more for you to tell. I was once with an abusive ******* and even after I left him he tried to control my life by doing whatever he could to set my triggers off. I had to ignore him and go full on NC for 3 years before he stopped. Some people have nothing better to do than try and mess your life up so that they aren't alone in their messy horrible lives. Stay strong and keep away. NC!!! cody19 I think you have to start making some decisions for YOU. Do not make them based off of your girlfriend or whether or not you have friends at a certain school. This is about you. I think you are getting side tracked. YOU are special and YOU are IMPORTANT. Make it a pact to wake up every day and ask yourself how you can be a better person. Even if you only do 1 thing, that's enough. You can be sad yes. I was. You can cry if you have to. But never let them drag you down. Never let them control you. Griffey You can read my story in the link Thorgs provided above. I didn't go NC right away but did for a portion of it. I only called him after he made some contact first. It really depends on the person. In some cases NC might be bad in others its great. Edited September 15, 2010 by lunita
lullaby Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Well it looks like I've gotten my second chance!!! It has been a longggggg hard process as it's been more than 5 months of work but he finally said on Saturday that we are a couple again. I did a lot of low contact and some no contact...both of which have been successful....but not instantly. It certainly took a lot of time and patience. We slowly increased communication and have been spending more time together. We are at a point where we have chosen to leave the past behind so that we can start new, with the knowledge we have gained in this whole process. As I said it's been hard and at times when I just wanted to curl myself in a ball and shut myself off to the world, I instead started to think about my attitude on life and how to move forward. I feel like I am a wayyy better person now than I was. I'm happier and happier with myself. I took the time away from my ex to reconnect with friends and family and started eating better and exercising more. In my opinion, this is the only way you will have any success. The change has to start with you first (except in circumstances where your ex is a douchebag). If you have any questions, let me know. LS has been a great way to learn things and be around people that are going through the same thing. Hi Lunita! I'm so glad for you and wish you the best! and I can honestly share the feeling with you because I'm also sort of getting back with my ex!!! Nothing is set on stone yet but we are talking more, seeing each week and having a 'relationship'. It's been 6 months since the break up and it took me a lot of work on myself, I got to know more of me, changed a lot, started reading more books, calmed down a bit and saw things from another perspective. As for you, LS has been a great support and I won't ever leave. I'm still thankful for the day I entered this place. It's been awesome for me. I still didn't feel like posting something about it here because it's still on the process and don't want to create false hope but I couldn't help but replying when I saw your thread, it felt so familiar!!! Good luck to us then!
Author lunita Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Lullaby, you sound just like me actually! I worked on the same things. Learned to calm down. Pick and choose my battles. Decided what's important and what's not. Actually, it's funny how I got to the conclusion that we are back together. In a round about way I asked what his friends thought of us hanging out together and sort of made a comment about how he still wasn't sure what he wanted. He was like, "Um isn't it obvious we are a couple and in a relationship?" I was like....no. I just told my friend this morning that I was single! LOL. I was expecting some big fireworks or something but I guess he's not so much a man of words! Your story sounds very much like mine. Next month will be 6 months since the breakup so we are along the same lines really. Best of luck and do update on your progress!!
Buccaneer55 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) Lullaby, you sound just like me actually! I worked on the same things. Learned to calm down. Pick and choose my battles. Decided what's important and what's not. Actually, it's funny how I got to the conclusion that we are back together. In a round about way I asked what his friends thought of us hanging out together and sort of made a comment about how he still wasn't sure what he wanted. He was like, "Um isn't it obvious we are a couple and in a relationship?" I was like....no. I just told my friend this morning that I was single! LOL. I was expecting some big fireworks or something but I guess he's not so much a man of words! Your story sounds very much like mine. Next month will be 6 months since the breakup so we are along the same lines really. Best of luck and do update on your progress!! I'd like to ask you this question. My ex and me are at about 1.5 months of broken up of a 5.5 year relationship. She stands firm that were not getting back together, but she wants to initiate some sort of contact with me everyday, I don't contact her first. She's told me she's not over me, and she knows that I want to get back together. The fact that she doesn't want to completely let me go is what gives me hope. I'd love to just sit back and be patient and give us time if it'll help our chances. Here's a link to my biggest thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t245299/ Do you think this can possibly be reconciled or no? Edited September 16, 2010 by Buccaneer55
Author lunita Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) 5.5 Years is quite a long time so I could see why it would be hard for her to quit cold turkey. I do think she is being rather selfish though. I think you need to set some boundaries. It's not fair that she broke up with you but in a way still gets to keep you around. If she's unsure, she should have told you that. But since she doesn't want to be with you, she is clearly only contacting you for selfish reasons. Not fair to you. I would try and create a little more distance and decide whether or not you want to be at her beck and call if she doesn't really want to be with you. I am not sure I could have a friendship with any of my exes unless I was completely over them. So you might have to tell her that you'd love to get back together and work it out but since she doesn't want to, you'd like to move on and tell her to stop calling. If she changes her mind she has your number but the checking in has to stop as it's not a genuine effort. And it's certainly not helpful for you either. My ex never said he was completely done with me except for the first week of the break up. After that, when I asked how he felt it was more of a "I don't know". Which is better than no for sure. Having said that I once broke up with an ex and while he was begging for me back I said some hurtful things to get rid of him. Flat out told him i was not in love with him, would never be and that we would never have a chance again. We both dated other people but in the end, ended up back together. My point is, anything can happen, there are no rules. Every situation is different. Can I tell you if there is still some hope? Yes there might be some. But 1.5 months is not long enough to change yourself and become a better person and to heal. I think there needs to me more time, I think you need to set some boundaries and perhaps she really needs to miss you and grow into a better person herself. If she doesn't, screw her, but at least you'll be a better person when you finally know what the answer is. Get me? Edited September 16, 2010 by lunita
lullaby Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Lullaby, you sound just like me actually! I worked on the same things. Learned to calm down. Pick and choose my battles. Decided what's important and what's not. Actually, it's funny how I got to the conclusion that we are back together. In a round about way I asked what his friends thought of us hanging out together and sort of made a comment about how he still wasn't sure what he wanted. He was like, "Um isn't it obvious we are a couple and in a relationship?" I was like....no. I just told my friend this morning that I was single! LOL. I was expecting some big fireworks or something but I guess he's not so much a man of words! Your story sounds very much like mine. Next month will be 6 months since the breakup so we are along the same lines really. Best of luck and do update on your progress!! Hi Lunita! Yes, our stories are quite similar actually. The same here, 'cause we never said 'ok, we're getting back' but just simply started to hang out more, like in the beginning of our relationship, just having a good time, going out to dinner, whatever, and last week I just realized we have a sort of relationship now because we talk each week, meet, and are on basis of comunication. I do still feel a bit single! LOL! I'm not ready to go back to the full time committed relationship and I don't think he's either, there's still more time left, but we're on the road at least. It certainly doesn't hurt anymore, I don't have hopes up, it's like I took it as something real, something that happens in life, not a magic dream or man who does wonder, don't know if you get my point. It's like he's someone I love, period, not the end of the world and it will all be fine whether it works out or not. lets keep us updated!!! best of luck to you too!
Billie The Puppet Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 lunita who broke the NC that lead to the limited contact that lead to you being reunited? Dumpee or Dumper or was the break up mutual?
Buccaneer55 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 1. 5.5 Years is quite a long time so I could see why it would be hard for her to quit cold turkey. I do think she is being rather selfish though. I think you need to set some boundaries. It's not fair that she broke up with you but in a way still gets to keep you around. If she's unsure, she should have told you that. But since she doesn't want to be with you, she is clearly only contacting you for selfish reasons. Not fair to you. 2. I would try and create a little more distance and decide whether or not you want to be at her beck and call if she doesn't really want to be with you. I am not sure I could have a friendship with any of my exes unless I was completely over them. So you might have to tell her that you'd love to get back together and work it out but since she doesn't want to, you'd like to move on and tell her to stop calling. If she changes her mind she has your number but the checking in has to stop as it's not a genuine effort. And it's certainly not helpful for you either. 3. My ex never said he was completely done with me except for the first week of the break up. After that, when I asked how he felt it was more of a "I don't know". Which is better than no for sure. Having said that I once broke up with an ex and while he was begging for me back I said some hurtful things to get rid of him. Flat out told him i was not in love with him, would never be and that we would never have a chance again. We both dated other people but in the end, ended up back together. My point is, anything can happen, there are no rules. Every situation is different. 4. Can I tell you if there is still some hope? Yes there might be some. But 1.5 months is not long enough to change yourself and become a better person and to heal. I think there needs to me more time, I think you need to set some boundaries and perhaps she really needs to miss you and grow into a better person herself. 5. If she doesn't, screw her, but at least you'll be a better person when you finally know what the answer is. Get me? 1. I can see how what she's doing can be viewed as selfish, but I do enjoy hearing from her, and that's why setting up some sort of boundary is hard. 2. I don't really want a friendship with her to be honest, I only want a relationship. 5.5 years is just too much of a past for me and her for there to ever be just a friendship with no emotions attached. You're right her checking in doesn't help me though. 3. I agree that anything can happen and your story about you and ex going seperate ways just to eventually re-unite does give me some sort of hope. How long were you two separated and how long were you in other relationships? 4. I do agree that 1.5 months isn't enough time for her to really believe the change in me is real. I THINK if she were willing to give us another chance somewhere down the road, she's going to want to make sure that she's not just jumping back into the same relationship, but something better. 5. In the end I do want to just be a better person. I can promise that I'm learning from my mistakes in the relationship, and to make sure that I don't make the same ones down the road whether it be with her or someone new
HopeLove Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Lunita, I'm so happy for you! What is your advice for a dumpee?
Author lunita Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Billie - I was actually the one in the beginning to contact him. The difference between my contact with my ex was that it was low contact and not stalkerish. I would allow a few days to a week to go by before calling him and was always respectful and did not beg or any of that. He would always pick up the phone etc. too so that made it easier. When I decided to go NC after he freaked out when I asked him if we would get back together, he was the one to contact me first after about 2-1/2 weeks. I then called him after a few days to see how he was doing. The break up was not mutual, he broke up with me. But we had been fighting a lot so really it shouldn't have been a surprise to me that it was coming. Buccaneer - You sound like you have things under control which is good. A lot of people go out of their mind and can't stand it but you seem very level headed about it. That's great!!! My ex and I were together for a year and got back together officially after 5 months. We had of course gone out several times and talked lots on the phone before this happened. It took so much patience to go through this!!! I'm glad you are focusing on yourself. Ultimately, I'm kind of grateful my ex broke up with me. It was my "wake up call" if you will to move forward in a positive way. HopeLove - Thanks! What sort of advice are you looking for exactly?
HopeLove Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I'm looking for and avice on how to get back together (I'm the dumpee) although I don't think there's any hope this will ever happen somehow I just can give up. Thanks in advance!
Author lunita Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Hope, do you speak to your ex? Have you tried contact with them? What is the current situation?
Thorgs Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 This thread makes me happy and sad all at the same time
lullaby Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Billie - I was actually the one in the beginning to contact him. The difference between my contact with my ex was that it was low contact and not stalkerish. I would allow a few days to a week to go by before calling him and was always respectful and did not beg or any of that. He would always pick up the phone etc. too so that made it easier. When I decided to go NC after he freaked out when I asked him if we would get back together, he was the one to contact me first after about 2-1/2 weeks. I then called him after a few days to see how he was doing. The break up was not mutual, he broke up with me. But we had been fighting a lot so really it shouldn't have been a surprise to me that it was coming. Buccaneer - You sound like you have things under control which is good. A lot of people go out of their mind and can't stand it but you seem very level headed about it. That's great!!! My ex and I were together for a year and got back together officially after 5 months. We had of course gone out several times and talked lots on the phone before this happened. It took so much patience to go through this!!! I'm glad you are focusing on yourself. Ultimately, I'm kind of grateful my ex broke up with me. It was my "wake up call" if you will to move forward in a positive way. HopeLove - Thanks! What sort of advice are you looking for exactly? Lunita, I still can't believe our similar our stories are! really! the only difference is that my ex initiated contact with me after 1 month broken up and he started calling more and more but I always put some sort of distance, let time pass and he kept coming so now we're seeing weekly, talking on the phone and seeing where were heading. You're right. I reached a point where I'm thankful for the break up because I could work on me, things I didn't know I did wrong in my own life, points of view, perspectives, even routine-like stuff and I can finally see the changes now :-D
HopeLove Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 We are in NC. Last time we had contact was via email at the end of August. We are not in bad terms but he doesn't want to see me or talk to me because he doesn't want to reopen his wounds.
Author lunita Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Lullaby, yup it sounds like we are in very similar situations and I hope you both get to the point where you can agree that you are a couple again. I'm honestly not completely in the clear. He still has to have a serious talk with his parents about us to let them know he wants to be with me. I'm not sure how that will go since they are the ones that felt it necessary to stick their nose in. Then I guess depending on how that goes he will tell my family and make everything right. I admit that I was at fault for things but I do believe he wasn't perfect either. I hope he has learned from our mistakes and has changed his point of view. I can honestly say I have! Good luck to you. HopeLove, my bf never asked me to not talk to him. He was always open to communication. I would continue the NC if I were you and give him what he wants. I think it takes way longer for some men to realize that they actually miss you. And isn't it always true that by the time you move on, they have a a change of heart. It really is important for you I think to let go and live your life and move on. Maybe if you do get to that point, he will come back on his own. And if not, you'll at least be in a better place to have a relationship with someone else.
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