I'm at a loss. Am I crazy?

[sacredheart]

Hello everyone! I'm new to all of this but happy that I've found this forum in hopes of receiving some good advice.

 

I'm in a situation in where I'm almost positive that my boyfriend is cheating but haven't caught him red handed. We've been together for two years and just moved into a new place. Now, I've always had trust issues because I've been cheated on in the past so I do have this sense of alertness and looking for things. It doesn't help that he told me when we first started dating that he was always a cheater in the past but when he got married that he stopped and his wife wound up cheating on him...so karma got him in the you know what. He said that he vowed to never cheat again but I'm starting to believe the cliche "once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

Over the last year there have been a couple of things that make me questino his fidelity. Last year on my birthday weekend I found that he was texting an ex of his.

 

Then a few months ago I received a call from my ex boyfriend (who is a friend & works with my current boyfriend) telling me that he saw my guy at a bar with another girl. He described the girl to a T and said she was a new transfer to where they work. Now, the place that he said he saw my boyfriend with the girl was the place that my boyfriend said he was actually at. It's just that he said with his best friend, who's a guy and not some chick. I found it very odd that night that every time I called him he wouldn't answer immediately but would call me back five minutes later from the bathroom or outside of the bar...fishy huh? Normally when he's out with his friends he answers right in front of them. When he got home that night I confronted him and of course my ex was lying. He wasn't there with a girl. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I let that go.

 

Just this past Friday, he had lipstick on the lower left hand corner of his shirt. I'm so traumatized. He says of course that it's not lipstick but I know it is. He said that it could be because we just moved and maybe the lipstick was smeared on one of the boxes he moved. He of course will not admit any of this.

 

I know that because of my insecurities I may have pushed him away or into another woman's arms because I have major trust issues but when these things come into play am I really in the wrong for questioning him? He tells me that I'm crazy. That I'm going to lose out on a good man because I don't trust him, etc. and that he's tired of being questioned. That he can't be a good man to me unlesss I trust him first. That he has a good woman at home and would never do anything to jeopardize that. I just don't know if I really am crazy or these are signs that I need to get out? I often wonder when he would have the time to cheat cause he's with me almost always except for when we're at work but I've been told where he works, alot of cheating and affairs go on. That it's easy there. I don't understand why he would do this to me as I'm SO good to him. I've taken his children into my life and all. All of this is tearing me apart and I can't focus on anything and I just don't know what to do. I mean, can someone here please give me some advice. Being out with someone? Lipstick on shirt? Texting his ex who he says is just a friend.

 

If all of this is going down why wouldn't he just leave me? I've asked him this and he says because it's all in my head. That nothing is happening. He said "why can't you be a girlfriend who when things like this happen, you just brush it off and know that you have a good man". I can't ever question him because he gets upset. He says he's over the questions. He says that he wants me minus all of the mistrust, etc. Can someone please give me advice. I really want to know what your thoughts are as I have nowhere else to turn.

 

Thanks so much!

[TaraMaiden]

A cheater will always project their guilt upon you to justify the lies s/he's telling him/herself.

 

• It's all in your head.
  
• you're imagining things.
  
• You're paranoid.
  
• All 550 people who saw me with this girl are lying/mistaken/reading too much into it.
  
• It was all perfectly innocent.
  
• What the hell's wrong with you?
  
• Just because your exes cheated on you, doesn't mean I will, you have trust issues.
  
• I was a cheater, but they deserved it, you're different
  

.

 

The above all come under the title of BIG RED FLAG.

 

You have instincts.

I'm sorry hun, but - I'd listen to them.....

[bac]

IMO If he cheats on you at some serious degree, he should display some signs of it. Those signs are:

1. This one is the most important. You need to know his time schedule during day. He should have some periods during day when he is having sex with her.

Perhaps, he comes home later than he usually does. When you ask him to explain where he has been, his answers would be kind of strange and unusual.

2. Any changes in his sex drive and intercourse routine.

Ask him if he wants to try smth new during sex or his sexual fantasies.

3. Any new things/changes in him on all levels that you can not explain.

4. Check his cell phone and email box.

 

In general, any truth is direct, easy to say and simple. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problem to tell you anything about him and his day.

Unless, you behave as a drama queen by being emotional without any factual evidance.

 

Also, if he lies, he would give answers with some delays and difficulties.

Because it takes some effort to make lies.

If he lies, his body language (eyes, lips, body movements) would show tension and, also, discrepancy of emotions/thoughts of his body language compare to his verbal response.

[sacredheart]

Thanks for the quick response guys. He works from 6:30-2:30 then has from 2:30-5:30 till I get home to do what he wants, however he says that he's at home and I do talk to him. He does get a 1/2 hour for lunch but like I said he can cheat at work cause he's told me about discreet places that people can meet to do things. What a dummy huh? lol!

 

When I ask him or bring up the fact that he was at a bar with a girl he explodes. Says he never wants me to bring it up again. That if I want to be with him that I need to believe him and not bring it up again. Is that fair?

[sacredheart]

Also. When I question him he's very quick with his responses. No pauses, no fishy nothing.