florence of suburbia Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Mem, I don't want to see HV castrated nor do I want him to feel that way. I guess if this is what he needs to do, then so be it. It's just if she's uncomfortable with intimacy I don't know that being proved wrong in an argument will make her more open during sex. I guess your line of thinking is he felt whipped before and now he'll feel better in his own skin? Maybe.
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 HV, Initially I thought to rename you from HV to Marathon Man. But after some contemplation have elected to use a similar, but even more grueling sport as the basis for your new name. And that is the "Iron Man" competition. That said, henceforth I dub you "Iron Man of the Realm, or just Iron Man for short" for your endurance, stamina and general sexual abilities. On a separate but related note, I believe the conversation you recounted above was entirely fair and I truly hope your W is able to digest it and accept how unfair and hurtful her "bait and switch" behavior is. No! Not Marathon Man! I loath dentists, and dental treatment, and I trace it to that film: "Is it safe? Is it SAFE?" The stamina is a two-edged sword. I cannot reach O quickly - I tried. If I were offered a "quicky" I couldn't get off, likewise (I imagine) a BJ.
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 But even if we all agree that you trounced her in that last argument and exposed her as dead wrong for the bait and switch, this is unlikely to bring about better sex. Wondering what your goal is at this point? FOS, this has nothing to do with winning arguments, reclaiming balls, dealing with emotional castration or shaking off ownership. I need to get her to accept that her way is NOT the only way. That a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship doesn't have to occur only on her terms (in fact will NOT happen on her terms) and that there is a disconnect between her statements ("I want a better sex life") and her acts ("Don't do anything different"). Having tried asking, reasoned discussion and the help of a therapist, the only way is to take her on head on, to show her that all that we are achieving is making both our lives hell and to see that we have to try something else before the entire M unravels. To show her I am not prepared to give up and come round to her way of thinking. That we solve it TOGETHER, like sensible, educated people. I had a revalation this weekend - more later, but I think I can see what might lie at the back of this.
mem11363 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Is it safe, is it safe? Right there with you. I hate going to the dentist as well. No! Not Marathon Man! I loath dentists, and dental treatment, and I trace it to that film: "Is it safe? Is it SAFE?" The stamina is a two-edged sword. I cannot reach O quickly - I tried. If I were offered a "quicky" I couldn't get off, likewise (I imagine) a BJ.
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 We were over at MIL/FIL’s for FIL’s birthday. He’s the one who can do no wrong. Anyway, the men have gone down the pub – me, FIL, brother in law and W’s aunt’s husband. He and W’s aunt are over from Canada and going back the following day (or back to London to get their flight). After an hour or so of drinking I try talking to W’s aunt’s husband. He’s Canadian, and it’s nine o’clock, so it’s an hour or two after his bedtime and he’s been yawning all night. I ask him if he and W’s aunt will stop of to see W’s grandmother in the morning before they leave. “Will we **** as like!” says he. “After how she treated XXX (W’s aunt)?” Not having any idea what he was talking about I asked for details. Apparently, W’s mother and two aunts were very seriously abused as children. There’s no evidence (or as far as he knows) even suggestion of a sexual element, but severe physical and emotional cruelty. This would be late 1950’s / early 1960’s, so what was considered to be “reasonable chastisement” took in a much wider range of behaviours than now, but apparently it was bad enough for the authorities to have considered removing all three children from W’s grandparents. It turns out that one day the grandfather’s sister and her husband come around and find the elder sister (XXX, above) locked in the dog kennel, where she has been since the previous evening, as “punishment” for the latest offence. They take her away and she lives with them, until she leaves home. They’re dead now but she thought of them as “mother and father” vice her biological parents. The youngest sister is sent off to a boarding school and comes back only at very rare intervals. W’s mother is the one left at home. While XXX’s husband (he’s her second, married about 8 years ago, # 1 died in an accident), is telling me all this, FIL is at the bar talking to some other friends. He comes back and immediately starts telling XXX’s husband he can’t tell us (me and BIL) this stuff. Argument ensues, blighting the evening even further. We get back, somewhat later and FIL’s first words to MIL and W are “He knows.”. Next day, I send FIL to take the children to the park and not to come back for a long time – I didn’t care what he had to do but he wasn’t to come back for at least a couple of hours. I tackle W and MIL. MIL recounts stories of being beaten with belts, walking sticks, dog leads etc, being tied to chairs, locked in cupboards, dragged by the hair etc. I have (with no exaggeration) heard some awful stories in my time, but this one of the treatment of a young girl at the hands of her parent, ranks pretty high up. In MIL’s mind, idea that the “secret” had to be kept was paramount – no one was to know, as what had been done to them would bring shame on the children. I was at once horrified, saddened and angry. That something like that had happened, that the scars were still being borne by the survivors, that the effects were reaching down through the generations, that they hadn’t told me – I’m still feeling pretty raw about it. I had been prepared to have a fight with MIL about it, but ended up trying to comfort her and W. I suggested (as near ordered as I could) that they MUST see their doctors about this – that a referral for professional psychological help was probably needed.
florence of suburbia Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 HV --that is a lot to take in and process. I'd like to give all this some thought. Does anything come to mind for you regarding how this might have affected your wife? How has your wife been since you got back home?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 After the last bomb it certainly looks like a long uphill climb and the skeletons in the closet may be more then one can bare. Hoping for the best.
Author Honorable_Venerable Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 After some silent evenings and a lot of tears, she has agreed to go to the doctor's to discuss this. Hopefully he will refer her to a suitable form of counselling or psychological support / treatment. We've agree that we will pay if necessary since the waiting time for treatment on the NHS is probably going to be very long. She won't (at the moment) discuss the events and her reaction to them in detail with me at all, except to say that she has always worried that it arose from people not being "in control" of themselves, and she was / is terrified of it happening to our children.
xxoo Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 As sorry that I am to hear of your wife's trauma, and I am so glad that she has you right now, HV. It sounds like you are treating her with compassion and love. I hope there is great progress for both her and your relationship in the future.
LittleTiger Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This is very sad HV and I can only guess at your feelings. How terrible for your wife to have suffered in this way. I do hope that you are able to get her the help she needs and perhaps one day start a whole new chapter in your relationship. You are obviously a very caring, patient and compassionate man. Your wife is very lucky to have you.
giotto Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This is very sad HV and I can only guess at your feelings. How terrible for your wife to have suffered in this way. I do hope that you are able to get her the help she needs and perhaps one day start a whole new chapter in your relationship. You are obviously a very caring, patient and compassionate man. Your wife is very lucky to have you. we only wish we were told in the first place... although we know it's difficult... but we are husband and wife... doesn't that count for anything? Mystery...
You Go Girl Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 After some silent evenings and a lot of tears, she has agreed to go to the doctor's to discuss this. Hopefully he will refer her to a suitable form of counselling or psychological support / treatment. We've agree that we will pay if necessary since the waiting time for treatment on the NHS is probably going to be very long. She won't (at the moment) discuss the events and her reaction to them in detail with me at all, except to say that she has always worried that it arose from people not being "in control" of themselves, and she was / is terrified of it happening to our children. I think there could be a direct correlation between the above bolded idea and her necessary 'being in control' in the bedroom. Not so much as to control you, but for it to be a controlled situation, with firm boundaries, and with neither of you 'losing control'. She is uncomfortable with the idea of losing control over herself. This would include passionate love-making. This too, frightens her much in the same way as past abuse. Now you've really stumbled onto some important knowledge to understand her.
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