How do you stop wanting them to want/miss/think about you?!

[ohno89]

I don't know how common this is and at what stage of the break up it occurs at but I seem to have this unhealthy need for him to somehow, deep down, to regret what he's done or to realise what he's lost. I know in theory, this makes no sense as - if someone left you, especially for someone else - it clearly shows they do not want to be with you.

 

But, I dunno, I just feel like I will never fully be able to move on unless I get some sort of apology from him or a sign that he still feels even something for me and I know fully well that even if this somehow were even true, I'm probably never gonna hear it..I just never got closure from the whole thing..

 

I don't know where this is deriving from but I know it's probably keeping me from progressing which I really need to do.. I don't know if it's an egotistical thing, like if this guy was so in love with me and would always tell me how amazing I was, if he then left me for someone else, surely they must be even more amazing and beautiful and all the things he used to tell me I was but just better. It's really knocked my confidence..

 

I find myself extremely caught between two feelings; I in NO WAY want him back but I find I cope better if I just think to myself that his new relationship probably isn't that perfect and he must miss me somehow but in no way is he gonna back out from something he so publicly and surely did to me, so of course he's gonna carry on with a smile on his face because I know this kid can never be alone, he HAS to have someone else by his side to validate him so he will do everything he can to make his new relationship work. Of course deep down, I know that actually, he could be 10x more happy now than he was before and doesn't regret his decision at all but if thinking this way keeps me going and keeps me even a little happier, why can't I just carry on thinking that?

 

But then reality kicks in and I feel like - even though it makes me feel better - I need to stop thinking like that because it's probably not true. He left me for a reason. It was his decision and his mind was made up, why the hell would he miss me if he's now got the person he wanted and left me for?

 

I don't know how to think or how to feel in order to effectively move on.... I know the latter tho, makes me feel AWFUL and makes me feel like I'm kinda back at square 1 and I have to face up to reality all over again...

 

Anyone else felt like this or can offer any advice...? x

[ShannonMI]

I don't know how common this is and at what stage of the break up it occurs at but I seem to have this unhealthy need for him to somehow, deep down, to regret what he's done or to realise what he's lost. I know in theory, this makes no sense as - if someone left you, especially for someone else - it clearly shows they do not want to be with you.

 

But, I dunno, I just feel like I will never fully be able to move on unless I get some sort of apology from him or a sign that he still feels even something for me and I know fully well that even if this somehow were even true, I'm probably never gonna hear it..I just never got closure from the whole thing..

 

I don't know where this is deriving from but I know it's probably keeping me from progressing which I really need to do.. I don't know if it's an egotistical thing, like if this guy was so in love with me and would always tell me how amazing I was, if he then left me for someone else, surely they must be even more amazing and beautiful and all the things he used to tell me I was but just better. It's really knocked my confidence..

 

I find myself extremely caught between two feelings; I in NO WAY want him back but I find I cope better if I just think to myself that his new relationship probably isn't that perfect and he must miss me somehow but in no way is he gonna back out from something he so publicly and surely did to me, so of course he's gonna carry on with a smile on his face because I know this kid can never be alone, he HAS to have someone else by his side to validate him so he will do everything he can to make his new relationship work. Of course deep down, I know that actually, he could be 10x more happy now than he was before and doesn't regret his decision at all but if thinking this way keeps me going and keeps me even a little happier, why can't I just carry on thinking that?

 

But then reality kicks in and I feel like - even though it makes me feel better - I need to stop thinking like that because it's probably not true. He left me for a reason. It was his decision and his mind was made up, why the hell would he miss me if he's now got the person he wanted and left me for?

 

I don't know how to think or how to feel in order to effectively move on.... I know the latter tho, makes me feel AWFUL and makes me feel like I'm kinda back at square 1 and I have to face up to reality all over again...

 

Anyone else felt like this or can offer any advice...? x

I ABSOLUTELY feel this way! I want my ex to be sorry for what he did and to feel guilty. I want the guilt to eat him up inside. I want it to give him ulcers and insomnia. Hahahahaha it's normal to feel this way because they had done us wrong and we feel we need them to apologize or at least feel deep remorse for what they've done. Someday I'm sure our exes will be sorry for what they did, if they aren't already. And don't compare yourself to the new girl in his life. I did the same thing when I found out my ex was dating the girl he cheated on me with. A girl who is reportedly a young skank and a groupie of the band hes in. From your past posts, your ex sounds like he is using this new girl for the free drugs and free holidays. My ex is doing what he's doing because he wants to live the college years he missed out on. He was in a committed relationship with me since he was 19 and didn't get to experience the party life of college. Are our exes happy with their new women? Probably, right now they are. Will it last? I would imagine no, but who knows. Our ex's actions reflect back on THEM, not on US. We are beautiful, caring, wonderful, compassionate women and our exes are just too f*cking stupid to see it and to appreciate what they gave up. It's THEIR issue, not ours. It's THEIR loss, not ours.

 

It would be totally gratifying to know that our exes regret what they did and are having second thoughts about their decisions, but we may never find that out. We have to try to just stop thinking that way. I know it's easier said then done, believe me.

 

I think about my ex 24/7 and I can tell you, I'm so sick of it. I'm sure you feel the same way. It's been 4 months and he's still on my mind all the time. I feel like I want to go to the doctor and ask for a lobodomy! Hahahahaha take out the part of my brain that thinks about my ex PLEASE! It's hard, but you gotta just take one day at a time and be good to yourself. I think feeling what we are feeling is all part of the healing process. I think in time, we will be able to let go of wanting them to be sorry for their actions and we will move on with our lives.

[fabio10]

Hey ladies I feel for both of you and all you other people out there going through heartbreak. I got some of the words from my ex girl that you mention bear in mind she did not cheat like your foolish guys.

 

She said to me 3weeks after the break up, ' I know Im a fool for letting you go and I know I may regret it' ' Im still in love with you' 'I care about you more than I can put in to words, if anything happened you I would be crushed but really understand neither of us are ready for where our relationship was going if I was selfish I'd ask you to wait but that is not fair on either of us but I want us to stay close and who knows'

 

I do truely believe she was sincere in these words as we were best friends for years prior to our relationship but it still did not make me feel any better.

[ShannonMI]

Hey ladies I feel for both of you and all you other people out there going through heartbreak. I got some of the words from my ex girl that you mention bear in mind she did not cheat like your foolish guys.

 

She said to me 3weeks after the break up, ' I know Im a fool for letting you go and I know I may regret it' ' Im still in love with you' 'I care about you more than I can put in to words, if anything happened you I would be crushed but really understand neither of us are ready for where our relationship was going if I was selfish I'd ask you to wait but that is not fair on either of us but I want us to stay close and who knows'

 

I do truely believe she was sincere in these words as we were best friends for years prior to our relationship but it still did not make me feel any better.

All those sweet things your ex said are wonderful to hear, but WHY THE HELL DID SHE DUMP YOU?? If she truly felt all those things, she would hang on to you for dear life because good men are hard to come by. What the hell is wrong with her? Maybe it's because you are both young and not ready for such a serious relationship?? If I was her and I felt the feelings she feels, I would not have dumped you. As you said with my ex, your ex will probably regret what she did and possibly come back to you. Will you take her back? She didn't cheat, but I'm sure she hurt you.

[fabio10]

Hi Shannon, oh yes she indeed hurt me greatly the first time I have ever been hurt and she knows this cause we knew eachother for years prior to the relationship. You see we used to chat loads about our love-lifes as friends for years so we knew everything about eachother, we are sort of opposites in ways she is 23 and Im 27 but wont lie I love to party etc so my maturity level would be bout 25 I'd say but that was never a problem cause we partied together.

 

You see she has never really been single since she was 15 and always in relationships while me I've always been single and the longest relationship I had prior to her was only for afew weeks and she knew this and had major doubts when we got in to a relationship she thought I would'nt be able to handle it but she says I proved her wrong.

 

I think she needs to prove to herself that she can be single cause she has never really been so !!! Unfortunately my feelings ended up as road kill in the process but also did hers we have mutual friends lots of them and they told me.

 

I have to agree I dont think we were ready in a way we both want to travel etc she wants to go to oz while me I've always wanted to go to Canada. But I wont lie of course I love her and have never felt even a fraction of the intense feelings I did for her for anyone in my life.

 

If she came back in afew weeks/months no I would like to think I would not take her back even tho I still want her cause I do love her and I want her to experiance the things she wants to. In a year or two I wont lie if I was single I would try again with her but I wont wait I'l enjoy the ride.

 

The biggest shame is that we were best friends for years before our feelings grew and a big part of me wishes we did not get together at all or maybe if it didnt happen till we were both more mature cause our friendship is runied even tho we did not part on bad terms really, I did try win her back in the aftermath for a week or two but I have nor regrets I know I did all I could. She still visits my parents they are elderly she is a good person, maybe faith worked against us.

[ohno89]

I ABSOLUTELY feel this way! I want my ex to be sorry for what he did and to feel guilty. I want the guilt to eat him up inside. I want it to give him ulcers and insomnia. Hahahahaha it's normal to feel this way because they had done us wrong and we feel we need them to apologize or at least feel deep remorse for what they've done. Someday I'm sure our exes will be sorry for what they did, if they aren't already. And don't compare yourself to the new girl in his life. I did the same thing when I found out my ex was dating the girl he cheated on me with. A girl who is reportedly a young skank and a groupie of the band hes in. From your past posts, your ex sounds like he is using this new girl for the free drugs and free holidays. My ex is doing what he's doing because he wants to live the college years he missed out on. He was in a committed relationship with me since he was 19 and didn't get to experience the party life of college. Are our exes happy with their new women? Probably, right now they are. Will it last? I would imagine no, but who knows. Our ex's actions reflect back on THEM, not on US. We are beautiful, caring, wonderful, compassionate women and our exes are just too f*cking stupid to see it and to appreciate what they gave up. It's THEIR issue, not ours. It's THEIR loss, not ours.

 

It would be totally gratifying to know that our exes regret what they did and are having second thoughts about their decisions, but we may never find that out. We have to try to just stop thinking that way. I know it's easier said then done, believe me.

 

I think about my ex 24/7 and I can tell you, I'm so sick of it. I'm sure you feel the same way. It's been 4 months and he's still on my mind all the time. I feel like I want to go to the doctor and ask for a lobodomy! Hahahahaha take out the part of my brain that thinks about my ex PLEASE! It's hard, but you gotta just take one day at a time and be good to yourself. I think feeling what we are feeling is all part of the healing process. I think in time, we will be able to let go of wanting them to be sorry for their actions and we will move on with our lives.

 

Thanks for your reply Shannon I'm sure you'll understand tho... I just feel so much anger. I just KNOW that had he not had some little homewrecker to run off with, he would be devasted.. I even tried frickin' breaking up with him a couple weeks before and he was literally begging me not to end things.. you'd think if i had my doubts about the relationship, i wouldn't be so cut up about it but it's one thing choosing to opt out of a relationship as best and kindest as you can but it's another thing to be told a bunch of lies, cheated on and then left, within the space of 2 weeks. I just feel it's so unfair that he did the nasty on me and now he's happily living his life, everyone thinks he's just found this new, really great girl for him because she does drugs and can hang with him so OBVIOUSLY they're perfect and OBVIOUSLY he didn't tell anyone he cheated; he made out that he did the right thing by breaking things off with me and was being a good guy by not "stringing me along" and oh, he just happen to meet this girl a couple weeks after. Urgh, makes me sick!

 

The saddest part is just knowing that you are that replacable and that disposable to someone...after such an intense, loving relationship, they could just drop you like that and you're STILL pining after them 4 months, after everything. I know he's not the same person anymore...I almost wish I met him in a few years time when we were both maybe properly ready to settle down and did all the uni crap, and I know he felt the same but.....it still doesn't really stop you missing them. You still miss the person they were and the betrayal will still get you every time, no matter how much that person has now changed for the worse, they still did that to you and it hurts like a bitch.

 

I should be psyched about starting univeristy again and seeing all my friends but all i can think about is bumping into him. There's certain club nights on that i'd normally be so excited about but i don't think i'll even have the courage to show my face because my night will probably just be ruined by my ex and his new g/f and I'll just be a mess...

 

Fabio - I'm sorry for your situation.. I do believe that sometimes do end relationships because they genuinely feel it's for the best and I think you should take this time to do everything you want to do. I'm not one to read into quotes as every situation is different but they do say, if you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you, then you know..it might truly had meant to be. I always think as well that, if two people love each other and really want to make a relationship work - as long as there is no third party involved (ie infedelity) then there is no reason why they can't give it a try. In the time being tho, live your life as if there were not tomorrow! You don't want to cling on to something that might never come back so just take a sensible approach for your feelings.

 

PS. I agree with Shannon - if i were her and truly loved you but felt it wasn't the right time or there were still things I wanted to do, I still wouldn't have left you. Maybe it's just me but personally, I know how hard good guys are to come by and if I really didn't want to lose you, I would still at least have tried to live my life how I wanted but with the person I loved still by my side. If then it didn't work out, at least we tried and at least I'd know I didn't just throw away someone I loved because they are NOT easy to come by!

Edited September 14, 2010 by ohno89

[fabio10]

Hey Ohno thank you for your insight, I think maybe she dosent know how hard good guys are to come by and perhaps this is a lesson she needs to learn to be honest I wasnt really sure how hard good girls were to come by until I got to know her, I think the fact our relationship went well and moved quickly sort of scared the two of us .

 

Ha its funny thats the exact quote I said to her when we were breaking up 'if you love someone let them go and if they come back then you'l know'

 

I certainly will live my life and I bear no ill feelings towards her at all I wish nothing but the best for her. I know going forward in years to come I will have no regrets with regards me and her, I treated her well and was not a doormat when we broke up I was honest how I felt for her and few weeks later I did try win her back and it didnt work so I know I did everything I could which really lifts a weight off me.

 

I just think the timing was off...Unforunately and these were her exact words ' I cant see a future with us right now as we both want different things in the short term like the next two years and we'l end up resenting eachother if we dont travel to where we each want to go'

 

'This is the hardest decision of my life, Im sorry for putting you and me through this but one of us had to do it and I know you would'nt hurt me so now Im hurting myself and you but its for the best in the longterm'

[LoveTruthChaos]

Dear OhNo,

 

Every word you said is everything I feel, but I'm so very tired of thinking about it all the time that I could not articulate it the way you did. Rest assured that I understand every word and feeling attached, but I'm too tired to write right now! If you have questions though, I will answer.

 

It's a horrible road. About a month ago, I thought I was doing so well. It's now 5 months after he left me for her and somewhere I still hold out hope that he will regret it...but he won't. His new GF is so obviously perfect for him. In fact, she's a lot like me - which is quite scary. Doesn't look like me though. She knew about me before she stole him away, and it seems like because he'd told her about me, she's trying to BE me. Makes me physically sick.

[ohno89]

Dear OhNo,

 

Every word you said is everything I feel, but I'm so very tired of thinking about it all the time that I could not articulate it the way you did. Rest assured that I understand every word and feeling attached, but I'm too tired to write right now! If you have questions though, I will answer.

 

It's a horrible road. About a month ago, I thought I was doing so well. It's now 5 months after he left me for her and somewhere I still hold out hope that he will regret it...but he won't. His new GF is so obviously perfect for him. In fact, she's a lot like me - which is quite scary. Doesn't look like me though. She knew about me before she stole him away, and it seems like because he'd told her about me, she's trying to BE me. Makes me physically sick.

 

LTC - believe me, I know exactly how you feel; it's literally exhausting thinking about the same one person and the same one situation over and over again. Just this morning, I woke up feeling horribly depressed and just sick of tired of this whole event and everyone involved in it being in my thoughts first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

 

Do you know why you feel you felt better a month ago then how you do now? Try to figure out why and try to take yourself back to that frame of mind, whatever it was...it might help. I know the reason I'm doing worse is now is the pure fact that uni is approaching and now - after 4 months of not having to see him - I have no choice now but to bump into him at some point and the feelings that may evoke in me, scare me to death.

 

I had a thought today that might help those of us waiting for some kind of remorse.. I tried to get inside my ex's head and try and come as close as I can to comparing what he did to me, to something I may have done to someone else in the past. Obviously it was a completely different situation and nowhere near as bad but basically, last Summer when me and my ex broke up because he went travelling, I met this really great guy back at home who I started spending time with. But the minute he told me he had feelings for me, I backed out, pretty much because I was sill very much in contact with my ex when he was travelling and I definately still had feelings for him. I did what I had to do with this new guy; I told him how it was and that I'm sorry if I led him on and that I think he's a great guy. When me and my ex got back together, this other kid barely entered my mind. It wasn't until all this crap happened with my ex and - because he'd now found someone else - he actually said to me "you'll find someone better for you, someone who won't hurt you like this" and i just turned around and, in anger, screamed at him, that "I did and I frickin' gave him up for you!?"

 

I don't know if I've explained this very well but my point is, it wasn't until the person I chose and thought was better for me screwed me over, that I thought back to this other guy who was totally into me and such a nice guy, who i could guarentee wouldn't have hurt me like that, til I realised what I lost in him. He's now got a girlfriend and they seem to be very happy.

 

As horrible as the thought is of our ex's not thinking about us, I really don't think they truly will until things start going downhill in their new relationships. It's a very common reaction for people who had clean break-ups with their ex's let alone for people who left their ex's for their new partners. However, at the same time, I don't thik it's healthy wishing bad upon your ex, as hard as it may be! Knowing our luck, the pure fact that we want their relationship to fail, it therefore probably won't! And it may still be a long time coming and a very difficult road but... according to the little theory I now have imprinted in me, nothing lasts forever, so whether it takes a year or 10, I'm sure we will enter their thoughts at some point. We just need to be prepared for the fact that, 1) it won't necessarily make them regret their decision; they may still be content with their choices and new experiences and 2) we will probably never hear it from them.

 

PS - LTC, I know where you're coming from with the whole "she's trying to be me" thing. Try to at least take comfort in the fact that - this new girl obviously isn't being her true self and the fact that he chose someone just like you, probably shows that he's still trying to hold onto you maybe, you know? Everyone eventually gets over the honeymoon phase and everyone shows their true colours eventually so whatever weird game their playing trying to replicate your relationship or whatever it may be, it will probably be their downfall.

Edited September 15, 2010 by ohno89

[YellowShark]

I don't know how common this is and at what stage of the break up it occurs at but I seem to have this unhealthy need for him to somehow, deep down, to regret what he's done or to realise what he's lost.

 

Anyone else felt like this or can offer any advice...? x

 

You are looking for validation. You want him to say "Boy, did I screw this up and I regret it."

 

But you'll never get his validation and frankly you should stop wanting it. You already KNOW he screwed things up and lost something special.

 

There's a great quote in someone's sig here, it reads, "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

Ain't that the truth!

[leftfield]

ohno, you've already touched on it yourself, but the fact that it hurts more when you think about your ex being 10x happier and moving on with his life without you really is just your ego talking to you - and I don't mean to suggest that you're egotistical in any way - but if you have no desire to have this man back then really the only thing that is holding you back is your ego looking to validate his decision to leave you. I've felt exactly the same way, and I am FAR from egotistical, it's just a natural reaction.

 

Although you can rationalise why it didn't work out, your ego is still searching for ways to make you feel better, so you are looking for valid reasons why his life without you (and her life without me) should be better than it was during the relationship. Naturally many of those reasons seem to reflect negatively on you (and me, or any other dumpee) so we keep looking for others. The cycle of soul searching is holding us back, making it difficult to let go. I'm stuck in the same thing. It sucks!

 

I would imagine it just gets easier with time, but who knows. Everything I've just said may be utter rubbish, I don't think I'm thinking straight at the moment, in which case just ignore me.

 

EDIT: Sorry, while I was talking jibberish YellowShark has summed it up quite succinctly - what he said ^ ^ ^

Edited September 15, 2010 by leftfield

[ohno89]

You are looking for validation. You want him to say "Boy, did I screw this up and I regret it."

 

But you'll never get his validation and frankly you should stop wanting it. You already KNOW he screwed things up and lost something special.

 

There's a great quote in someone's sig here, it reads, "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

Ain't that the truth!

 

Thank you YellowShark.. (and leftfield, you weren't talking jibberish at all!)

 

I know that's probably what it is.. because no I don't want him back because of what he did to me and he seems to have changed quite a bit but had this not happened, I would still want him..

 

My question now; if we've come to the possible route of my problem - my bruised ego which I didn't even realise was so big?! - how do I let that go? Does it mean I'm quite self-centred and really, I just liked this kid showing me affection and telling me how great I was? Or do I go down that whole route of self-love etc, etc?!

 

I don't wanna be a soul searcher!! Oh and thank you for the quote, it helped....hurt a little at first lol, but hey, nothing I didn't already know! God, this guy's a jerk......!

[leftfield]

Don't feel bad about having a ego, everyone has one. It's not really about whether you have a big ego or not, just the fact that you do have one, as we all do. It's just that ego tends to be viewed in the pejorative, so any mention of it makes people uncomfortable. No, you're not self-centred (well you may be but not because you have an ego).

 

As for how to let it go, I don't know, but I think you've made a start right there. Perhaps accepting that you are bruised is the way to let go. Give yourself a break and remember that you don't even want this "jerk" anyway so be glad that he's gone.

[ohno89]

Don't feel bad about having a ego, everyone has one. It's not really about whether you have a big ego or not, just the fact that you do have one, as we all do. It's just that ego tends to be viewed in the pejorative, so any mention of it makes people uncomfortable. No, you're not self-centred (well you may be but not because you have an ego).

 

As for how to let it go, I don't know, but I think you've made a start right there. Perhaps accepting that you are bruised is the way to let go. Give yourself a break and remember that you don't even want this "jerk" anyway so be glad that he's gone.

 

Yeah I hear what you're saying...everyone has an ego but I guess you don't realise until it's taken a beating!

 

Not wanting this "jerk" () does help but always leaves me thinking...do I subconsciously still actually want him and that's why I'm feeling this way....?

 

God, this is such a headf***, I hate it!

 

I don't know what happened to me, but after ages of being fine, it hit the 2week mark of us starting uni again and me having to see him and I feel as though I've sunk into some sort of depression...I haven't felt like this in a long time. I don't see the point in getting out of bed, I have a million things to do but no care whatsoever to do them, I'm not excited about anything, don't care so much to eat and I just feel low...I'm happy to be in my pjs all day... I really need to snap out of this, this kid cannot take away my happiness, my summer and my frickin' degree....I think 4 months later, it might be time to see a counsellor...

[ShannonMI]

Yeah I hear what you're saying...everyone has an ego but I guess you don't realise until it's taken a beating!

 

Not wanting this "jerk" () does help but always leaves me thinking...do I subconsciously still actually want him and that's why I'm feeling this way....?

 

God, this is such a headf***, I hate it!

 

I don't know what happened to me, but after ages of being fine, it hit the 2week mark of us starting uni again and me having to see him and I feel as though I've sunk into some sort of depression...I haven't felt like this in a long time. I don't see the point in getting out of bed, I have a million things to do but no care whatsoever to do them, I'm not excited about anything, don't care so much to eat and I just feel low...I'm happy to be in my pjs all day... I really need to snap out of this, this kid cannot take away my happiness, my summer and my frickin' degree....I think 4 months later, it might be time to see a counsellor...

Yes it might be wise to consider seeing a counsellor. I started seeing one 2 weeks after my breakup because I was a MESS. I couldn't function. It sounds like you are depressed and you should go talk to someone. I hope you do and I hope it helps you. It helped me. Keep us posted:)

[ohno89]

Yes it might be wise to consider seeing a counsellor. I started seeing one 2 weeks after my breakup because I was a MESS. I couldn't function. It sounds like you are depressed and you should go talk to someone. I hope you do and I hope it helps you. It helped me. Keep us posted:)

 

Yeah, I've considered it on many occasions but every time, I'd suddenly be okay again..it's that up and down of emotions but now this is just getting ridiculous! Thank you Shannon, I will keep you posted if I do but it'll probably be in a couple weeks when I'm back at uni and can see the counsellor there...be prepared for me chickening out again tho coz I'll think I'm fine again lol What a mess.....