Silly_Girl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 All is well at my end (AMAZING weekend!!) but MM's wife had said some very strange things and reacted most out of character and given that the marriage split up previously due to her falling in love with another, her actions surprised me and got me thinking... about my break-ups, theirs, others. I wanted to understand a bit better the rollercoaster and twists and turns of emotions. Purely because I can't see anything rational in some things she's said and I thought others' experience would be useful. But it's turned in to a post about how I am a d!ck for forging ahead with my guy, plus a dump of an earlier post of mine. I don't mind a slating but I'd have loved replies to my post instead Crap day at work so just wanted to swear and whine. Sorry!!!!
BB07 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Hang in there SG, you know you and you know your mm better than anyone and you know your heart. Things are less than ideal but you are working with grace and dignity with the reality, so I'm in your corner. Hugs....big ones to you. As for mm's wife, I don't have a theory or much to offer, but just one thing. Change is difficult, and most of us are resistant to it. Perhaps a lot of her reactions are because of processing the change. Also it's often hard to process one huge change so we take little pieces of it at a time and we bargain with it and ourselves and the other person. It's just normal.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Aw thanks BB. I love the way you write. And thanks for the support. :)
jj33 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Are you OK? Dont see your other thread anymore. Is he holding strong? Despite her behavior shes entitled to pull anything she wants to. Shes probably in shock that he is standing up for himself. His leaving isnt really about you. Its about growing a pair I think someone on your other thread said shes probably doing this to be competitive. She wants to win, despite her lack of interest in the past. This is a tricky phase you are in. I know its hard but try to enjoy your time together and try not to ride the roller coaster with him (easier said than done) Big hugs
pureinheart Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 All is well at my end (AMAZING weekend!!) but MM's wife had said some very strange things and reacted most out of character and given that the marriage split up previously due to her falling in love with another, her actions surprised me and got me thinking... about my break-ups, theirs, others. I wanted to understand a bit better the rollercoaster and twists and turns of emotions. Purely because I can't see anything rational in some things she's said and I thought others' experience would be useful. But it's turned in to a post about how I am a d!ck for forging ahead with my guy, plus a dump of an earlier post of mine. I don't mind a slating but I'd have loved replies to my post instead Crap day at work so just wanted to swear and whine. Sorry!!!! Now this is a novel idea (bold)...sorry SG , although I could not help myself.... I am so sorry your day at work was messed up...tomorrow will be better:). Quite frankly you have communicated your position, your in the right forum (although sometimes I wonder), and should not have to defend yourself, or be put on the defense...BTW that is a common manipulation tactic, try not to allow that to happen. SG, just for the record, I was listening to a teaching Sunday and it was spoken that those who operate continuously in a critical spirit have much to hide themselves, it is a tactic to throw others off of them and their shortcomings...actually that tactic ironically brings attention to what they hate in themselves. ExDM's W didn't make any sense either, I am not sure what she was trying to hang on to...but whatever. For me SG, I want to have a straight up R, with a man that is straight up as I don't need anymore crap...and I wish the same for you!
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Are you OK? Dont see your other thread anymore. Is he holding strong? Despite her behavior shes entitled to pull anything she wants to. Shes probably in shock that he is standing up for himself. His leaving isnt really about you. Its about growing a pair I think someone on your other thread said shes probably doing this to be competitive. She wants to win, despite her lack of interest in the past. This is a tricky phase you are in. I know its hard but try to enjoy your time together and try not to ride the roller coaster with him (easier said than done) Big hugs Oh that's really nice jj, thanks. I was kind of worried - not about me and him - but my ex-husband reacted badly when we split, bit it's just that she's been quite inconsistent and irrational; I wondered if she was having some sort of, I don't know, genuine breakdown. Probably sounds naive!! You're right in that she does havevthe right to act in any way she wishes. I didn't want to influence her behaviour, just hoped it was 'normal' I guess. MM is fine. He's dealing with things his way, there's a couple of aspects I don't agree on bit that's all cool because he's the one who has to live with it all, in his head and heart. Better that he does it his way (although it was a huge lesson for him when he realised I was right and he should have told his wife long ago ). We'll get there.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Now this is a novel idea (bold)...sorry SG , although I could not help myself.... I am so sorry your day at work was messed up...tomorrow will be better:). Quite frankly you have communicated your position, your in the right forum (although sometimes I wonder), and should not have to defend yourself, or be put on the defense...BTW that is a common manipulation tactic, try not to allow that to happen. SG, just for the record, I was listening to a teaching Sunday and it was spoken that those who operate continuously in a critical spirit have much to hide themselves, it is a tactic to throw others off of them and their shortcomings...actually that tactic ironically brings attention to what they hate in themselves. ExDM's W didn't make any sense either, I am not sure what she was trying to hang on to...but whatever. For me SG, I want to have a straight up R, with a man that is straight up as I don't need anymore crap...and I wish the same for you! Thanks Pure! Some wise words You're definitely right with the last para!!! Fingers crossed for all of us
OWoman Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 (although it was a huge lesson for him when he realised I was right and he should have told his wife long ago ). Yes - that always is a biggie! We'll get there. (((hugs))) I found your other thread on infidelity and responded there. Gosh, the snipers have been busy... Hang in there.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Yes - that always is a biggie! (((hugs))) I found your other thread on infidelity and responded there. Gosh, the snipers have been busy... Hang in there. Your reply really spoke to me. I have a hard time - it's guilt - seeing the wood for the trees. Sometimes she says things that feel as though she's attempting to rewrite history. All the facts of her affair have suddenly all changed. She now has no friends. She has nothing in her life but him. And some really quite heavy recriminations that I honestly would NEVER have imagined her to come out with. It's so sad, it wasn't like that at all when SHE left him... Thanks v much Owoman.
greengoddess Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Why is he putting you in the middle. Why is he telling you all her little sad tales? Next it will be if I leave her she will commit suicide. He is grooming you to wait longer out of sympathy for her. He left her? Are you sure he has his own place when he is not with you? Maybe you need to take 2 days off and spend an overnight weekday visit. If it's over they have nothing more to talk about. This does not sound like it's over. We are trying to help you. To warn you that something does not sound right.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Why is he putting you in the middle. Why is he telling you all her little sad tales? Next it will be if I leave her she will commit suicide. He is grooming you to wait longer out of sympathy for her. He left her? Are you sure he has his own place when he is not with you? Maybe you need to take 2 days off and spend an overnight weekday visit. If it's over they have nothing more to talk about. This does not sound like it's over. We are trying to help you. To warn you that something does not sound right. He's not putting me in the middle. We talk. Same as we talk about my ex's latest harrassment antics and how my son is today. Of course what's going on with him there is going to be spoken of, I'm surprised that anyone would think it wouldn't. We've been talking for a year, about all sorts of different things. This is big stuff, and I'm totally there for him and vice versa. And we've agreed timescales etc albeit slightly dependent on his finding a job near me. He'll be ready to move in long before I've made progress in finding him some space in my bedroom to stick his clothes Look, I really appreciate how you think you are helping, but we don't all do things the same. My divorce was very different from the norm, I remember how difficult it is. I have no issue with how my guy is behaving and dealing with things, he has some other stuff on his plate at the moment too, so I think he's doing brilliantly! As I said to another poster, if I could sit with you, over a coffee and chat like friends, talk about the different things that are going on, how he's changed (or perhaps 'emerged' is better) and what we've agreed and how committed he is and how hard it's been for him to tell the people he's told about me etc, maybe then you would still be beating me about the head, but you'd have a better overview. To you I'm just doing the OW mantra of "Oh but WE'RE different don'cha know". But in reality I've been through all the facts forwards, backwards and sideways, and I'm as cool with everything as it's possible to be right now.
BB07 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Why is he putting you in the middle. Why is he telling you all her little sad tales? Next it will be if I leave her she will commit suicide. He is grooming you to wait longer out of sympathy for her. He left her? Are you sure he has his own place when he is not with you? Maybe you need to take 2 days off and spend an overnight weekday visit. If it's over they have nothing more to talk about. This does not sound like it's over. We are trying to help you. To warn you that something does not sound right. I disagree GG, I think the things she speaks of regarding what is going on with her mm and his wife are very normal and for goodness sake why wouldn't her mm be confiding in her and speaking of his problems? This is a very big deal to him and of course he is going to talk about it with SG. In theory it would be great if he didn't use SG as his sounding board, but come on.......who wouldn't? Of course it's not over, her mm has a long way to go before it's OVER. Grooming her, no I don't think so, I think he is a man who loves SG and is going through a very difficult time and he needs and wants her support, after all she is the woman he loves. I don't get why some people are so hell bent on telling SG that her mm is a liar and that he is playing her. It's clear that SG is a very smart lady and she is not looking at what is going on with her mm with rose colored glasses.
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 He's not putting me in the middle. We talk. Same as we talk about my ex's latest harrassment antics and how my son is today. Of course what's going on with him there is going to be spoken of, I'm surprised that anyone would think it wouldn't. We've been talking for a year, about all sorts of different things. This is big stuff, and I'm totally there for him and vice versa. And we've agreed timescales etc albeit slightly dependent on his finding a job near me. He'll be ready to move in long before I've made progress in finding him some space in my bedroom to stick his clothes Look, I really appreciate how you think you are helping, but we don't all do things the same. My divorce was very different from the norm, I remember how difficult it is. I have no issue with how my guy is behaving and dealing with things, he has some other stuff on his plate at the moment too, so I think he's doing brilliantly! As I said to another poster, if I could sit with you, over a coffee and chat like friends, talk about the different things that are going on, how he's changed (or perhaps 'emerged' is better) and what we've agreed and how committed he is and how hard it's been for him to tell the people he's told about me etc, maybe then you would still be beating me about the head, but you'd have a better overview. To you I'm just doing the OW mantra of "Oh but WE'RE different don'cha know". But in reality I've been through all the facts forwards, backwards and sideways, and I'm as cool with everything as it's possible to be right now. I think you nailed it right there. We can only disclose so much in posts about our R. Every scenario is different. Every Mm and every BS is different. only we know all the circumstances and have the right to decide if we're being lied to or used...or maybe just maybe he's genuine and sincere and just really stuck between a rock and a hard place. My MM told his parents and sister and best friend about me. They've had this BS in their family for 10 years. Why would he do that if they weren't already fully aware he was unhappy and he wanted them to know he had something in his life that brought him joy finally. Skeptics will say that it's just another lie..he's only telling me he did, but even further circumstances exist that make me' know this for a fact..so nobody should be so quick to jump to conclusions that everything that comes out of MM's mouth is a deception. I've gone on a 3 day trip with him for his work. Met his boss, met his secretary and all of their spouses. I was met with huge open welcoming arms as his GF, despite them knowing he was married, to what even they portrayed as a horrid woman. I've had outsiders tell me' he has never acted this happy in his life and that it's so nice to see him being himself again and glowing about how much good I do for him. You can judge your own circumstances knowing you have all the facts, but I hate that people are so quick to judge others.
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