Broke up but wants to "date" should I?

[kirbkirb]

I'm conflicted. He broke up with me on 9/5, he did id because we had issle to get issues very early on in the relationship that I was never able to get over. I remained very insecure and resentful and started lashing out at him EVERYDAY I critizied everythig he did, I told him how much of a horrible person he was ect ect for months. I suppose in a way I was trying to make him as insecure as he had made me feel way back then.

 

So he broke up with me saying that he loved me but he had come to loath and resent me for the way I make him feel. He's been so depressed because of me and he's been hurt so much for so long by the way I've been acting toward him.

 

Thats when everything changed for me. This whole time I had been so insecure and so angry and just thinking that he didn't really love me and that he wasn't hurt by the things I was doing, but he was hurt. He was broken down because of me, he really does love me and I hurt him.

 

He said that he wanted to remain friends because that we needed to start from ground zero if we ever had hopes of having anything and getting to a place where we could have a healthy relationship. We needed to break up but stay friends so that we could maybe one day have a healthy relationship?? I didn't understand this, I felt we were either going to work on the realtionship or we weren't I didn't understand this logic at all, I was confused. How can we be friends? So I left that morning and left it at that after telling him this isn't what I wanted.

 

Well he called me the next day and wanted to hang out so I went and we hung out for a few hours, didn't talk about us or anything just hung out. He also called me everyday that week just to chit chat. I was more confused than ever, why does he want to break up with me but call me everyday?

 

Saturday night was his birthday and he was celebrating with some mutual friends at a bar so I went along too. I got drunk, he got drunk we ended up leaving with our friends and going home. I left the bar way before he did and he called me the next morning to see if I knew what happened later in the night because he didn't remember he had just woken up and was covered in vomit. I told him that I had left before him so no I didn't know what happend. (He had kissed me at the bar but we were both drunk and I was sure he didn't remember doing that so I didn't bring that up because I was sure it was nothing more than a druken habit) While we were on the phone that morning he asked me to come over, I said "Why?" and he said "Because I love you and I want you here with me". So of course I went over there, He was still laying in bed and asked me to lay down with him so I did, when I laid down he said "I love you so much K" I didn't say anything. We spent the rest of the day together and ended up having sex later in the day. I took this as a sign he was wanting to get back together. I left and went to pick up my daughter and spent the night at my moms an hour away.

 

He called early the next morning (yesterday morning) to see if we wanted to go have breakfast. I told him that I had stayed at my Mom's and was going to spend the day with Mom but I would call him when I got back into town. So I did and asked him if he wanted me to pick up some dinner and come over and watch Weeds (which is what we usually watch on Mondays).After the show went off I asked him what were his intentions with all that yesterday, was he wanting to get back together and work on things. He said he didn't know yet. I told him that if that was the case that I couldn't do this anymore then, that I felt like he had used the fact that he knows I'm still in love with him to get me over there and get what he wanted. And asked why did he call me up telling me that he loved me if he didn't want to get back together. He said " Because I do love you K and I wanted you here yesterday, I wanted to spend time with you" I told him thats not what "friends" and I need a definte answer. H said he didn't want to answer that question at this point but if he absoultly had to he would have to say no becaue he doesn't feel secure enough at this point to jump back into a relationship but what he really wants is a little more time. He wants to spend time together to see if things can really be different and if I'm still the person he's in love with after the way I treated him. I said "ok so your wanting to date??" he said well isn't that kind of what we're doing? I told him that I could understand where he was coming from and we could date for a couple of week and I would give him the time that he needed. I feel like I owe that to him, that I should really put myself out there for him because I do love him and haven't been doing that for him.

Am I insane?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, frankly, I think your behaviour is insane.... but that's ok.

 

See, he's playing you, like a FwB, keeping you on a back-burner. This is all for his convenience, all his comfort, and it's all playing his way.

 

You need to give him an ultimatum - how about this in an e-mail?

 

"Ok, here's the deal: I'm not some kind of yo-yo on a string you can yank about and play tricks with. I am a person, with feelings, and you are being unfair.

This is what you have to decide: We're either together, or we're not.

We're either an item, or we call it quits.

We either start afresh or it ends here.

 

Decide, and let me know by 9pm tonight.

if I don't get an 'either or' answer from you by that time, consider me history. I will not be toyed with like this. I have feelings emotions and affection for you, but I'm not about to let my self be pushed around and pulled apart, simply because you're Mr. Indecisive.

 

So decide which one it's going to be.

i

If it's yes, we both make 100% effort to make this 100% work.

If it's no, we can call it a day, go No Contact, leave each other alone and start to live our own lives again.

Over to you."

 

The proviso for you is of course, that you agree with this line of reasoning, but more importantly, if he says no, or can't come up with a definitive answer (which shows he's commited to your presence but not your permanence)

you are fully able to Go No Contact, maintain it and move on.

 

Whaddya think?

[kirbkirb]

What do I think? (loaded question)

 

On one had I think you are correct and this isn't fair to me and that I should havesome kind of commitment or I walk plain and simple.

 

On the other hand I think back to how horribly I treated him and I am being a little selfish and unrealistic to think that he could come to a decesion with out some kind of proof that I mean what I say and that I can be different for him and have fully realized my errors, and I should give him a little time with me before I ask for him to commit to that again.

[TaraMaiden]

Look, we all mess up, act the way we shouldn't and live to regret it.

That's why I said that if you guys stay together you both 100% have to work on it, 100%.

 

But the fact that you feel a little blameworthy and guilty for the way you acred towards him, doesn't give him carte blanche to dangle you from his rearview like a car air-freshener on a spring.....

Think of it as a life lesson for both of you.

If he says yes, it's a chance for you both to put past behaviour to bed and modify your attitudes.

If he says no (or can't commit), then you both have to lkearn, move forward and do better next time.

 

That's my point.....

[Don Ho]

No, I don't think you're insane. I'm not into ultimatums. If you have to ask or make one, you already know the answer and it's "no" ... you already went there and that's the answer you got. Only you can tell if he's playing games and using you for sex and comfort. I would not be as available if I were you. I think you're making it too easy for him. Don't just go to his place and don't just meet up every time he asks. I'd probably lay off the sex for a while, after all he said you're just "dating". So, you could date and have some fun and see how it goes. Do not talk about a "relationship" or bring out the past. I've been working on this little list about how to act when re-connecting with an Ex. Let me know if it's helpful:

 

1. ACT HAPPY

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

 

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.



3. DON'T ARGUE

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

 

 

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back.

 

They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgement and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

 

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

 

11. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM

Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

[TaraMaiden]

That's also the advice in the second link of my signature.... and I think it's good in parts, but questionable in others.

I think in a way this is mind-games, and I'm not entirely sure it's the healthiest way to proceed.

I think we hang too much emphasis on validating our emotions and responses, because we believe they define who we are.

 

They don't.

 

But that's just my opinion.

 

Opinions will vary, so I guess it's up to every individual to consider their actions, do whatever they feel is right, but be prepared to accept whatever consequences result.......

[kirbkirb]

I guess my biggest fear is he isn't being honest with himself and he's just lonley and doesn't want to let me go completly but already kind of knows he'll never be able to be with me. I want some kind of comfirmation that this is going to work out, and I'm not going to get that right now, I feel like I've put everything that I've got out there though and we'll just have to see how it goes. I did sleep over there last night and we did have sex this morning :-/ when he left for work I said something about maybe trying to do something Saturday as thats the only day neither one of us has children.