PassionCatch Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Hi there, I've been reading a lot of posts this morning and decided to share my story in hopes for some advice. My boyfriend lives in Canada, about an hour and a half flight from where I live in NYC. He is funny, cute, cultured, divorced and 37 years old. I am in my late 20's. We are both dancers and met at a dance convention 10 months ago, and started dating shortly after. Over the course of our 9 month relationship, he traveled frequently to NY to visit me. I traveled to Canada less frequently, as his job is more flexible. For 9 months he pushed the relationship forward, excited to eventually move to NY and open up a dance school here so he could eventually leave his old dance school in Canada. Throughout the relationship he told me he loved me more than anyone he had been in love with before, in the past month he told me that I was 'it' for him and he talked about wanting to have a family with me in the future. On Monday (Labor Day), he returned to Canada to start the first week of dance classes at his studio. He was anxious all weekend to see how his dance studio would do, since he had changed the schedule significantly to be able to be in NY even more often (every other week for a week at a time), even though I didnt think the students would be fond of the schedule change. Turns out the school winds up failing the first night, he had 2 students in class when he generally has 50, and texts me the next day saying that he had done a lot of thinking about his life and that we needed to talk. When I called him, he basically talked at me, told me that his life was turning into something he didn't want, that he 1. realized he didn't like NY - the people, the traffic 2. realized that opening a dance school in NY was going to be harder than he thought - the market is more difficult 3. realized that he missed Quebec more than he thought he would 4. realized he was getting tired of traveling and didnt want to get on any more planes and therefore him and I wouldnt work out in the long run. I asked him what about all of the I love you's, the promises, the fact I had bought us a house! And that his reasons sounded like they had nothing to do with our relationship. He said that it also had to do with us, that maybe we weren't compatible, since winter is a big part of his life and he doesnt know if I like winter, and he really likes winter sports and doesnt know if I do (absurd), that he runs and I'm not a runner (but I'm a dancer, not a slob on the sofa), and that I dont drink and wine is important in his life. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We've always preached communication was key in long distance relationships, we've NEVER had a fight, and what he was saying came totally from left field. The hardest part is that he really wanted me to buy a condo so we could have 'our house' in NY, and he referenced his new condo in Canada as our 'vacation home'. I went ahead and recently purchased a condo, and we stayed in it for the first time this past labor day weekend. I now think of the house I bought as 'ours'. When he told me all this, I told him that it sounded like everything was crashing down on him all at once, and for him to sleep on it. He agreed to sleep on it. The next day, we spoke, and his attitude was the same. This time, instead of being so stern, he broke down and cried, telling me 'I failed you'. I told him that he didnt fail me and not to say that. He then said he had failed me since he knew that he was the one to push the relationship forward, and he was backing out, saying that at 37 years old, he couldnt be in a relationship where he couldnt see the end, and didnt want to be in a part time relationship indefinitely. I'm very hurt. We had a trip to cancun already booked for this week, which of course is not cancelled - but im not mad about that, as the relationship is more important to me than the vacation. I told him that since this came out of the blue, it didnt sit well with me, and we agreed to talk in a few weeks (he suggested his birthday 9/21, and that he would call me). I didn't want to set a date on when we would talk, but he said he needed to, or else he would never call. I have a wedding at the end of the month to go to, and he told me he would consider coming down to go with me so I wouldnt be alone, but that he couldnt make any promises just yet and wanted to think about it. What went wrong with our relationship? I have tried not to contact him (its been almost a week since we split), but couldnt help sending him a video of us a few days after, of us skyping a few months back, holding up paint swatches to camera to agree on colors for our respective homes. He came up with the idea to paint our bedrooms the same color, so that when we went to sleep and woke up, we wouldnt know which house we were in. Im just happy I hadn't painted my place yet (he did). What do I do now? I am in love with him. My heart hurts. He sounded so definitive that I don't want to have hope. He has not yet tried to contact me. We spoke for a third and final time 3 days after we split, had a very civil conversation on how important it is to feel successful, and before we hung up, he said "I must tell you, knowing I don't have to get on a plane anytime soon, well, I feel a big sense of relief and a huge weight is off my shoulders already. I also want to let you know that I did look into flights to come in for the weekend of the wedding. I didn't book anything, and I'm not sure I will, as I still have to think about it, but I think its important that you know that I did look into it." Thoughts?
pandagirl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Honestly, it sounds like he freaked out. I don't know what about, but maybe he just felt like it was becoming too real and he saw that it didn't quite make sense anymore. I'm sorry.
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