bboy Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Who dwelled over "Why"? What did you come up with? I spent like many, a lot of time analyzing what was going on and it really did take some serious time to understand why things were like they were. What I came up with are some really obvious things, but really clouded my judgement during the relationship. The first 1000 reasons I came up with were pure stupid. I focused on single actions, the ending, certain events. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It really took 2 months to get here and I know I'm far from 100% clear. But it's starting to clear up. Some key pointers (You will recognize them yourself, I'm certain you will) 1.) The break-up was just a matter of time. There was no chance in hell this could have continued like it did. 2.) My ex did some really stupid things that fueled the bad situation. I can write an essay about it. She's not innocent at all. But neither am I and the blame game is irrelevant. 3.) Yes, it could probably have been saved for the moment. But I would not have figured out the "Why" without it. So 1. is still valid. The real reason - It wasn't about who said one stupid thing to the other. (Both did that) - It wasn't about one wrapping the selves around the other. (Both did that) It was pure simple for me. My personal stress was my contribution to the break up. I worked 24/7 and spent my little free time with her. Eventually I didn't notice that I was so stressed out that I had only one way to relax. Spending time with her. When she then did something minor I reacted by doing something major. Normally I'd say that these are things a couple should be able to handle with communication and understanding. Problem is I'm quite verbal, but didn't let her know about the stress. Pretending to be unaffected by it and then put the blame on her. *This doesn't mean in anyway that what she was perfect, it's just insight in my flaws* So, what did you come up with? Anyone else digged deep enough to get some sort of revelation?
BeagleGal Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 After having been split with my ex for almost 6 months now, I realize that he isn't the person I fell in love with. The person I fell in love with was warm, sweet, caring, loving, attentive, charming and head over heels for me. His fault: The person he really is and who I've learned over the last few months is a user, manipulator, deceitful, narcissistic, lying, cheating assh*le. Puts on a good game, faked a future with me, made promises - the whole nine yards. Only to f*ck me over and betray me in the worse way. My fault: Should have listened to my gut instinct when it came to him. When he first started pursuing me, although flattered, I was kind of hesitant about him. Something inside told me to be cautious of him because he seemed to good to be true. And he was. Also, ignoring red flags. Things I came across like FB PM's from other women and knowing he was texting a few as well behind my back, after I confronted him and accepting his sorry ass explanation, I realize now that was just me sweeping it under the rug and enabling him to think it was okay. What I should have done is walk. If I did, I would have saved myself a hell of a lot of heartache and pain. Who dwelled over "Why"? What did you come up with? I spent like many, a lot of time analyzing what was going on and it really did take some serious time to understand why things were like they were. What I came up with are some really obvious things, but really clouded my judgement during the relationship. The first 1000 reasons I came up with were pure stupid. I focused on single actions, the ending, certain events. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It really took 2 months to get here and I know I'm far from 100% clear. But it's starting to clear up. Some key pointers (You will recognize them yourself, I'm certain you will) 1.) The break-up was just a matter of time. There was no chance in hell this could have continued like it did. 2.) My ex did some really stupid things that fueled the bad situation. I can write an essay about it. She's not innocent at all. But neither am I and the blame game is irrelevant. 3.) Yes, it could probably have been saved for the moment. But I would not have figured out the "Why" without it. So 1. is still valid. The real reason - It wasn't about who said one stupid thing to the other. (Both did that) - It wasn't about one wrapping the selves around the other. (Both did that) It was pure simple for me. My personal stress was my contribution to the break up. I worked 24/7 and spent my little free time with her. Eventually I didn't notice that I was so stressed out that I had only one way to relax. Spending time with her. When she then did something minor I reacted by doing something major. Normally I'd say that these are things a couple should be able to handle with communication and understanding. Problem is I'm quite verbal, but didn't let her know about the stress. Pretending to be unaffected by it and then put the blame on her. *This doesn't mean in anyway that what she was perfect, it's just insight in my flaws* So, what did you come up with? Anyone else digged deep enough to get some sort of revelation?
PegNosePete Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 She banged another guy. That's why it broke. It might have been a little dented before, but nothing that couldn't be fixed.
BeagleGal Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Yup - that sums it up for me as well. He banged another woman and before that other woman came along, tried to pick up others. So... even if I tried harder, nothing would have helped as my ex is just a douche. Plain and simple. She banged another guy. That's why it broke. It might have been a little dented before, but nothing that couldn't be fixed.
Author bboy Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Hmm.... No faith in mankind here... Banging someone else is surely lack of respect and very ego. So it is not acceptable at all. No doubt. But have you thought through why this occured? Any personal insight in this? Did you give them enough attention or was it the lack of? Too many fights? No romance?! Dunno..
BeagleGal Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Not right now no... :S Well, apparently my ex has a history of being a douche. But in our relationship, I thought we were solid. His son lived with us so it made it hard to go out on dates like we used to. But we had date nights in. We'd watch a movie, pop open some wine, spend time together. And during the weekend when his son was with his mom, then we'd take advantage and go out ourselves. Or we'd have friends over. Whatever. There wasn't too many fights, there was a squabble here and there but nothing to be concerned about. I thought we had it good. So did everyone else. Everyone saw us as so in love and solid. And for sure thought by this time we'd be engaged. He's just a selfish, worthless POS. There is no excuse for what he did to me. None. Hmm.... No faith in mankind here... Banging someone else is surely lack of respect and very ego. So it is not acceptable at all. No doubt. But have you thought through why this occured? Any personal insight in this? Did you give them enough attention or was it the lack of? Too many fights? No romance?! Dunno..
leftfield Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Some key pointers (You will recognize them yourself, I'm certain you will) 1.) The break-up was just a matter of time. There was no chance in hell this could have continued like it did. 2.) My ex did some really stupid things that fueled the bad situation. I can write an essay about it. She's not innocent at all. But neither am I and the blame game is irrelevant. 3.) Yes, it could probably have been saved for the moment. But I would not have figured out the "Why" without it. So 1. is still valid. The real reason - It wasn't about who said one stupid thing to the other. (Both did that) - It wasn't about one wrapping the selves around the other. (Both did that) It was pure simple for me. My personal stress was my contribution to the break up. All of the above applies to my situation as well. I 'dealt' with my stress by ignoring it as best I could and then occasionally getting wound up by it and taking it out on her (she took hers out on me). The second of your 'pointers' is interesting as well, I blamed myself initially after the breakup, but I've since come to realise she was not entirely innocent either, and certainly did some stupid things that contributed to the mess. I *think* my contribution is this: I showed too much weakness in myself, and also a lack of emotional support for her on one occasion, which then turned into resentment. I also probably relied on her too much. Fail! Her contribution: She allowed the resentment to build up and failed to communicate with me (until a month after we broke up). It's a lot more complicated than that, but that's the distilled version I think.
PegNosePete Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 (edited) But have you thought through why this occured? Any personal insight in this? Did you give them enough attention or was it the lack of? Too many fights? No romance?! Dunno.. Yes I know exactly why it happened. She lost a lot of weight (140lbs), very quickly. This had some very profound changes on her personality. On the one hand she was more confident than she'd ever been, she could wear nice skirts and sexy dresses, and was a lot happier overall. She was much more bubbly, outgoing and friendly. On the other hand the weight loss caused parts of her to, ahem, sag. This caused her to become a lot less confident around me, particularly when naked, even though it didn't bother me at all. I found her more attractive than ever and I did show her this with actions and words. But sex became a problem, because she would get too self-conscious. Whenever her bra came off she would cringe and cover herself up, and it wouldn't get any further than that. But if she kept it on she wouldn't like it either. So we basically stopped having sex because she would always get too upset. I do take some responsibility here because I did stop trying, I hated to see her getting upset, and it was easier to just cuddle every night. We looked into ways to fix it. We went to MC once, and arranged more appointments (which never happened due to the A). We looked into getting her a boob job on the NHS which was quite likely due to her massive weight loss, and I said if they wouldn't do it for free, we would find a way to pay for it regardless. But due to her new confidence she was getting a lot more attention from men than she'd ever got before. She also started to express some new interests to me like S&M, which I haven't really been into before, but wasn't averse to trying. But due to the problems we were having we never got around to trying it. She had become a contradiction, being extremely confident and flirty in public and having lots of new things she'd like to try, but being afraid to get naked in front of her husband. It does sound like I am blaming her for everything but I am prepared to take my share too. I got lazy. We both took each other for granted. Neither of us really made much of an effort, we were both happy to carry on day to day waiting for it to get better by itself. Although I took the initiative to arrange the MC and I was mostly dealing with the doctors myself... hmm maybe I'll take 40% of the blame and give her 60% -- up to this point. At this point I had high hopes for the future, I knew we could fix it with effort and MC, and she (so she said) did too. From here on, it's 100% hers! So she decided to cheat on me, and the rest is history. She told me it was because it was a release, a way to escape what had become a stressful home environment. Excuses I say. She wanted to cheat so she did. Edited September 14, 2010 by PegNosePete
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