Losing My Mind

[tmrc]

OK, so I've decided to join this forum with the probably futile hope that sharing my story will help. I'm a 22 year old male, and I'd like to think that I'm not a bad person.. But things that have happened lately have severely shaken my sense of self, and my sense of morality. I've been consumed by the most conflicting feelings I've ever experienced; I'm falling apart, my life feels broken, my insides have felt as if they were on fire. My love life has been a consistent string of failures, and I've come to realize, in the harshest manner possible, that it's my own fault. I've consistently pushed people away, I've built a wall to shield myself from becoming too close to anyone. Now that wall has been destroyed, but terrible things went into destroying it.. And i now feel completely buried by the rubble.

 

Well, I should probably start at the beginning:

 

In high school, around grade 11, a particular girl caught my eye. She was absolutely beautiful, and something about her in particular drew my attention. Every day I'd look for her, and we would trade glances. Now back then I was a very quiet person, kept to my self. (Oddly enough it was a conscious decision on my part.. I was a very jaded person at the time. Before high school i was a very loud, obnoxious, class clown kind of person, but I felt increasingly annoyed by what i deemed to be peoples inability to accept me for who I was, and around grade 10 I made a conscious decision to become the "quiet kid". I completely shut myself off from the outside world, instead becoming more deeply interested in music, and generally reflecting far too much on the nature of existence, God, death, and the like. Now you can imagine what such a shift in consciousness could create, especially in a developing mind. I feel my decision to descend into myself was something that has helped me greatly in understanding who I am, but it has also made it very difficult for me to get back out of my head and into the world. I had built my wall.) Being the introvert with generally low self-confidence, I really had no inkling that this girl had any interest in me, or even noticed me. I would see her often and we would lock eyes, and something about her, I don't know what, just did something to me. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but something drew me to her out of every girl in that school. And there was no shortage of beautiful girls there, for sure. We did not have any contact until I was nearly done high school. But when she contacted me, something had changed in her. She had become distressingly skinny, pale, and very sickly looking. I had assumed she was anorexic. It was bizarre and I could not understand it. Now, she contacted me via email, as she was even more shy than I was. We spent some pleasant nights together, but she was so incredibly wary of being open - I would ask her many things and she would seem to struggle to convey her answers. I must admit, I found her to be uninteresting. It did not seem that she was very intelligent. She would stumble over words, and it was really difficult to get to know her. Of course, I must also admit, being the introvert obsessed with constant abstraction, I would ask her unrealistic questions.. Like "what is it you ultimately want out of life?", "do you believe in God?", etc. She is a couple years younger than me, and expecting a 16 year old girl to answer these questions I can see now was pretty ridiculous. I failed to ask her such simple questions like "where were you born?" " how was your childhood?" "do you have any siblings?", and you get the idea. Basically, consumed in my little world, I wrote her off. I gave her the cold shoulder. I avoided her. The thing is, this girl was absolutely smitten with me, perhaps in love. Generally I did all the talking when we would meet, and really she knew me far better than I knew her. I give myself a hard time about this, but she really was very difficult to get talking. Very shy, very insecure. I wasn't exactly giving her much to work with, with my constant ruminations on human nature, music, society, or whatever else was spewing out of my mouth. I didn't know who she was. She had become the bizarre, anorexic girl who knew everything about me and would follow me around everywhere. I never thought her a bad person, I never disliked her, I just truly believed that I wasn't interested in her. I knew she was into drugs at the time, heavy drugs, and I tried to help her realize that she was playing with fire, but i really had no idea. Her state of health was very distressing, frankly it was too much for me; I was immature, comfortable in my world of isolation, and really could not understand or take it upon me to deal with such things. She threatened to burst my bubble, she threatened to pull me out of my self-imposed solitude. I avoided her, always trying to keep my distance. I cannot tell you how terrible I feel now about this.. She was just a young girl, crying for help. Help that I could have given her.

 

I moved out my small hometown, and into a much larger city. I would still talk to her sometimes on MSN, but aside from that had no real contact. I have had other girls I was interested in, but again my fear of intimacy, fear of exposure, had caused me to push them away, just when it gets to the point of discomfort. I have been obsessed, infatuated, even believed I was in love. But I was a coward, afraid to act when the time came. I was feeling very lonely, disillusioned, just not good. Now I was contacted by our main character, after not seeing her for many months, and she wanted to come over to my house. Her condition had not improved, in fact it seemed to have worsened. But I did spend a very nice night with her, walking around the city, going through different buildings, just a nice night. Of course she was still very guarded, very uneasy. My presence would make her very nervous it seems, she would seem to be trying really hard to say the right things, but in trying so hard and being so self conscious of her speech it would not come out right. She would avoid eye-contact. Just very obviously affected by my presence.. Not that I was doing anything that would make her nervous, just that she obviously really liked me. Anyways, we kissed, and i enjoyed it. But i was still just not feeling interested in her, it really seemed like there wasn't much going on in this girls mind. I brought her back to my house, and we got drunk. I guess i was just sick of being a virgin, and wanted to get it over with. Oh, it was awkward. Sloppy. Couldn't even finish. What an introduction to the wonderful world of sex. I felt wrong, I felt like i had taken advantage of her in some way, because of her emaciated state of health. I shouldn't have really, because I asked her even before if she wanted to do it. It was forced, awkward, just bad. Really it made me frustrated with sex, it gave me a bad taste. Maybe I'm shallow, but it was incredibly difficult for me to feel sexual towards her when she was in such a distressing state of health. The morning after I was feeling so odd, and obviously sending signals of discomfort toward her. Anyways, she left back to my old town, and sent an email asking whether we were now girlfriend and boyfriend. I did like her, thought she was a very nice young girl, but I didn't have the heart to hurt her feelings by telling her I wasn't attracted to her in her current state. So instead of being honest and voicing my concern about her decaying health, I just told her I felt it was forced and I wasn't feeling it, and she should find herself another man, and forget about me. And I really believed it. The fact is I had no idea who this girl was. I had no goddamn clue. I was pushing something away and i had no idea what.

 

She took the advice, and began seeing an old friend of mine. I wasn't worried about it, I was glad for them. I'd seen her a few times and she seemed happy. We still talked occasionally on MSN. Now a year and some passed, and it was not something that crossed my mind often. I was still alone of course, but I felt sure about my decision. This old friend was someone I had little contact with for a long time, though we were quite good friends many years back. Anyways, they were in town one day, about 3 months ago, and they decided to come over. And there she was. That same girl I was so powerfully drawn to, that same young and glowing beauty. She had gotten through her sickness without me, without my help. And there she was. And it was plainly obvious that she was still very attracted to me, as she was sending signals which simply cannot be misinterpreted. I'm a lonely guy, and when a girl like that gives me looks like that I lose my ****. What came over me WAS selfish, irrational, insane. I could think of nothing but her, and I'll admit right now it was purely sexual. I stopped thinking. I stopped caring. She contacted me and wanted to hang out, and we did. And we both knew exactly where it was going, but I did nothing to stop it. I was disregarding everything, I was intoxicated by her. She had grown up, she spoke more surely, more openly. She consumed me. We walked around a while and talked, and eventually there we were sitting on her couch. (She had now gotten her own apartment in the same city.) She could not have sat any closer to me, she could not have tempted me any more intensely. I caved. This time, it was not forced. This time, it was absolutely passionate. I lost total control, rationality was thrown out the window. And it was entirely mutual, had it not been, I would not have gone a step further. Had i felt even a slight apprehension in her I would have stopped, had I felt even the most minuscule discomfort in her, I wouldn't have done it. The thing is, I couldn't "finish". I couldn't get "There". As absolutely beautiful as this girl is, as completely perfect her body is, something wouldn't let me reach climax. After that rush of madness passed, I had begun to realize what I was doing, the absurdity of this whole situation. I had done something bad. Something I couldn't comprehend doing until after it was done. I had betrayed a friend. I had selfishly given into my sexual desire. I had pushed myself back into this girls life and completely ****ed things up. Now at this time, I was being evicted from my house because of unreliable roommates, and I was going to be homeless if I didn't find myself a place to stay. This next decision was completely stupid, completely irrational. I asked her if I could stay on her couch, that very same couch, for a month until I found a house. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She agreed of course, and I did move in. The reality of this whole situation was yet to really sink in, I was completely deluded, under the spell of this stunning beauty who is deeply attracted to me. The boyfriend was at this time still living in my old town, as they had only recently got back together. They had broken up previously because she had cheated on him (only kissing another man). I was really not at all aware whatsoever about the details of this relationship. At this time the feelings of guilt were greatly subdued by the feelings still remnant from our sexual encounter. It really was amazing sex, regardless of the fact that I couldn't climax. I was insane. She had got in my mind and stirred it up. Nothing mattered. I felt at home in her arms, I felt at peace. I felt there was something in this huge city that made me belong, I felt her warmth, her beauty. Her house was full of color, beauty, personality. She had paintings she had made all over her walls, and they were beautiful. I had now realized the massive mistake I had made in pushing her away. She is fantastic, gentle, caring, creative, fun. She is not some scholarly intellectual, but she is far from dumb. She is alert, aware, sharp. Her mind is full of color and sound. She consumed me.

 

I got to know her. I began to realize shes a real person. Shes had a life, a family, a childhood. And the more I found out about her, the more I felt towards her. Things were getting intense. I should probably share the most embarrassing part of my story, and the most ironic. After we had sex, and since we went for such a long time, and since I had not had sex in a long time, the frenulum on my penis (I am uncircumcised) had torn a bit where it attaches to the head. This had caused my foreskin to swell and it was painful for a few weeks. Its alright to laugh, this is a comedy. If anything has convinced me karma exists, its this. Naturally, I was unable to have sex basically the whole time I was there. Justice, right? Cosmic ****ing justice. I told her that I was extremely attracted to her, yet if she was with my friend, I could not do it again. She understood. But living in that house was constant, heavy temptation. I spent some beautiful time with her, and was increasingly intrigued by her; what a goddamn fool i was to let her go. Now the guilt was beginning to really get to me, and I let her know how I felt about what had happened. As i said, I was completely in the dark concerning her relationship with this guy, and I ended up learning some things that made it all the more stressful. Particularly disturbing was the fact that when they broke up the first time he claims to have attempted suicide twice, and was now basically using suicide as a threat were she to leave him. The extent of his obsessive, unstable attachment to this girl became clear. He's extremely possessive, paranoid, and desperate to hold on to her. He had kept her cooped up inside and would never allow her to see her friends, unless he was there too. He disconnected from everyone in his life and would keep her locked up along with him. She became very depressed, very influenced by his negativity. She ended up kissing another man, and they broke up over it. The details of this happening are still quite vague to me, but she has certainly been manipulated through guilt to stay with him this time, as if she is now obliged to make it up to him for hurting him. I'm no relationship expert, but I really believe a healthy relationship cannot be built on such foundations, and it's clear that she feels she is forced to stay with him, for fear of hurting him, and due to the implications he has made toward suicide. He treats her like ****. Nearly everything he says to this girl is some kind of sex reference. It drives me insane. It's incredibly disrespectful to talk to a woman in such manner in public, let alone in private, and there is so much more to her than her physical beauty. And this is definitely not subtle, hes constantly making extremely lewd remarks, groping her, just generally treating her more like a sex doll than a human being. This girl still surely has a lot to learn, and one thing she must learn is this is not how a respectful boyfriend acts. Anyways, the guilt that was eating at me was clearly expressed to her, and this certainly put a damper on our sneaky little affair. I was being torn in two. On one side all I could think about was her sweet kiss, soft skin, angelic face, voice, hair, etc. And on the other side I was feeling like absolute **** for having done such a thing to a friend. I was falling in love with her, and it was something more real than I could have imagined. I was falling in love with a girl who I could not be with, unless terrible things were to happen. But in fact those terrible things had already happened, I had already done the deed. My attempt to salvage my morality by putting an end to it had come too late, and I must admit that even afterward I was overtaken by temptation. And despite the fact that my penis was out of commission I still pleasured her by other means. I can't describe the feeling of intimacy with her; time had stopped, the world had melted, and we might as well have been the only two people in the universe. At those moments all this madness was miles away. I had experienced heaven, surrounded by thick clouds of hell; I was experiencing the absolute greatest, and absolute worst feelings of my life in tandem. I was floating in space. That month still feels like a weird, wonderful dream, or perhaps a beautiful nightmare. Is this who I am? A backstabber? Do I even deserve love, if this is how I go about finding it?

 

I had believed at earlier points in life that I was in love, but it was nothing like this. It freaked me out, to be honest. I tried to deny it, I tried to return to my previous feeling of disinterest, but it wasn't going to happen. There it was, growing inside, consuming my entire being. I'm not in love with her, I tell myself; yet I knew it was a lie. Ohh, now you've found it! Just like the movies! Except you're such an absolutely ****ed life that you find it in the most twisted way possible. You poison the well with your misdeeds, you need destruction and discord to gain an upper hand. How romantic!

 

There is something wrong with me. I feel like a leper. I toyed with this girl and broke her heart, and now what has happened? The very same thing. Now it's only right I should know how it feels; I should also know that isolation and futile passion; I should also know the cold shoulder. Justice. But I get ahead of myself, because at this point in our comedy I'm still living with her. I must say that the boyfriend was aware of my being there, and had trusted me to live with her without incident.. Oh, what was I thinking? What were we thinking? I know I'm not entirely to blame here, as her behaviour was far from helping in keeping these feelings under control, and her less than subtle hints made it hard to conceive that my chance was over, that anything she felt for me before was dead and gone. We would hit the town as if an item, play the part of boyfriend and girlfriend, live a little fantasy. A pleasant fantasy yes, but reality was always laying in wait for us. Facing him was difficult, especially when he would stay for a weekend, and she was again groped and smothered by his brutish, disrespectful "love". But I'm sounding bitter again, aren't I? Fact is I don't deserve her; she did exactly what I told her to do - and the fact that the man she found had to be an old friend of mine is just a ridiculous twist of fate. Either way, I pushed away someone who liked me simply for being me, someone in desperate need of understanding, and help. What I learned about her past was perhaps the most painful of all: it was not anorexia - rather, her uncle had gotten her addicted to cocaine, and was supplying her with extreme amounts for an extended period. He eventually asked her to marry him and run away with him. Jesus christ. It took some time for this information to really process, and it tore me to shreds. What scum does this to an impressionable, insecure young girl? I could rip his eyes out. Her stories of this time are too much to recant, I believe you can imagine the kind of ****ed up situation this was. Had I known... Anorexia, I thought... It will pass... But this, this is far more damaging. Her trouble speaking, her erratic behaviour, her emaciation, all make horrible, horrible sense in this light. Couldn't I have tried harder to open her up? Couldn't I have expressed my concern? Nobody deserves this. I'm not even sure what I feel as I type this, I've cried more in the last 3 months than in 15 years. But I feel scooped out right now. Empty. Lethargic. My mind feels sullied. Putting this whole thing in words puts my pathetic self in perspective; perhaps I expected sympathy but I deserve none.

 

Of course, at the time, things had not yet become so dreary. I had realized my love for her, everything from the moment I saw her first to now had burst open, and was bleeding all over me. What a feeling! Multi-faceted, physical, euphoric, love. I had decided that she must know, and was waiting for my perfect moment. The day had arrived, the most beautiful, amazing day for it to happen. We had each other and no worries, we walked in the park and I felt like a child again, we laid in the grass and I told her everything, save the "I love you" part. I told her to love herself, because she is beautiful, I tried to share my wonder in the face of the world, to excite her about the simple, absolute experience of life. How I was so indescribably happy that day. It all made sense, everything glowed brightly, and as night came in we walked hand in hand through the streets, walking nowhere and loving it, absolutely comfortable, absolutely free. So perfect. It will happen tonight. How could it get anymore ideal? We attempted to climb a fence, to get around a construction area that was blocking the path we were walking on, now late at night. The police somehow seen this, and assumed we were trying to break into the construction site, we failed in climbing the fence and decided to head around, and upon getting out to the main road we were out of nowhere surrounded by about 6 cop cars, one nearly taking us out when it swerved in front of us, we were questioned in a very hostile manner, and she was taken aside and searched, of course, by about 8 cops, while 2 cops tended to me. How they love to harass young girls. I should probably say now that I had warrants for my arrest, for subway tickets. Yes, subway tickets. I rode the subway for free, a regular criminal. They had pulled her bag apart and found a marijuana pipe (she smokes it, obviously), I begged with everything I had for her not to be arrested, as she had had previous trouble with the law and the last thing she needed was more. Luckily she was allowed to go home, without a fine. I, on the other hand, was taken to jail for the night, for my subway warrants. Cosmic. ****ing. Justice. What a turn of events! The most beautiful night of my life, now a living hell. Laying in cool grass with the love of my life one moment, to laying on a cold concrete floor in a holding cell alongside filthy crackheads the next. Is this coincidence? It was hard to take it that way. I was going to confess my love to her, but now I'm locked up. God? Is it you? I spent nearly 20 hours in that cell, absolutely sore due to the concrete floor, and feeling despair like I've never comprehended before. The atmosphere, the fact that I was in jail, was really of no consequence compared to the fact that I was unable to say what I so desperately needed to say. The thought of her was all that kept me going, the lingering afterglow of that most magical night of my life, the fact that she was safe at home and nowhere near this hell-hole. She had stayed up the whole night waiting for me, and the whole next day, and as fate would have it, was called to see her boyfriend about an hour before I got out, so my desperate need to see her after my ordeal was denied. I sat alone in her house and broke down in such insane and reckless sadness, that I never wish to feel such desperation again. What the **** was happening to me? This isn't normal, this is absurd.

 

I feel at this time the boyfriend was beginning to suspect that something more was going on between us, and decided to take a more defensive stance. He was around all the time now, and even moving his stuff into the house. I was in purgatory. Unable to say what I so desperately wanted to say. I had begun to suspect some force, some divine intervening power, didn't want me to say it, or didn't feel i deserved to.That week felt a lifetime, and having him around constantly had turned my nice little dream world upside down. I was running out of time, but he was making sure that she was spending every night with him. I was nearing the time when I had to move out. Oh yes, another detail: they were planning to get a house together, a month after I was to leave, as her lease was up on the apt. She was obliged, she had chosen her fate; I firmly believe she was avoiding reality, avoiding the situation that was taking place; she is one of those people who will busy themselves incessantly, cleaning, organizing, anything, to keep their mind off the facts. Her avoidance of the guilt, her avoidance of accepting what had happened, was obvious. I say she has grown up, and certainly to a degree she has, but she has much to learn about personal responsibility. I tried to explain to her that he deserved to know what had happened; that their relationship is built on unhealthy foundations, and I admit I came down rather harshly on her. But I was not taking what happened lightly, I was not going to avoid reality, but she was unwilling to tell him the truth. If she were ANY other girl on earth, he would have known right away. I do not like living with such guilt, and as immature as her decision is, I feel I cannot betray her trust, despite the fact that I have already betrayed my friends trust. She acts as if everything is hunky-dory when hes around, giggling and generally acting very fake. She would rather her lie of a relationship then the pain of honesty. Perhaps to nail this home I'll include yet another detail: when I asked whether she was in love with him, she answered: "...Yea................................kinda...". Kinda. Does this not completely invalidate saying "yea?" (she hesitated a few seconds before saying that as well). This really bothered me, understandably. This guy is desperately obsessed with her, desperately in love. He even speaks of marriage, without really showing any concern whether it's something she'd like to do. He believes they'll be together forever, else he should die. But it's plainly obvious that is not reciprocated in like manner. She lets herself be a trophy for him, she lets herself be threatened (albeit subtly) with suicide. I witnessed them fight one day, well, behind closed doors. I thought that he had hit her, there was a lot of banging. She later told me he did push her, because she was texting her ex (the one whom she kissed while they were dating). He pushed her rather hard into the bathtub, and he felt horrible about it, so began punching himself in the face, and to put an end to this she began banging her head on the bathroom counter. My ****ing lord, what absurdity. This is not healthy, this is not right. This is a ticking time bomb. Not to mention the consistent use of hard drugs, the toying with self-destruction. It's toxic, it frightens me. I wish to steal her away, I wish to give her the wonderful life she deserves. I wish to foster her creativity, I wish to open her eyes further to the absolutely consuming beauty of lucid consciousness. I wish , I wish , I wish. I live in abstract fantasy.

 

But yes, my time did come, though the perfection of that wonderful night we had was far, far behind me now. It just had to be said, no matter how abrupt and out of left field. It was july 1st, the day I confessed my love to a woman the first time. I let her know, that I care deeply for her, that I am glad she exists. I embrace her closer than I ever have, I take in the sweet smells and feelings that I so vehemently long for now in my loneliness. Sweeter than candy, softer than summer mornings. Everything beautiful in this universe expressed in a being. Heaven. I look her in the eyes, and I say it. Clearly, she was not expecting it. It blindsided her. Perhaps I shouldn't have expected to hear it back; it would have made not hearing it less painful. I should have expected her to be in such a state of confusion. I know she has feelings for this guy, and I know he's not a horrible person; just very unstable. I tend to come on very intensely, and she wasn't ready. I lost control. I judged her relationship harshly. I figured her decisions to sleep with me, share her deepest secrets, and hold my hand with such unwavering grip expressed some kind of love. But I don't know anymore. Does not this kind of behaviour speak the fact that she is not satisfied? She told me then, that she would continue to be with him. Never did she say because she would rather be with him, but rather, she did not want to "cause the damage". She did not want to hurt anyone. Either she truly loves him over me, or his guilt snare has got her tightly bound. I got desperate. I lost all composure. I went for pity when I shouldn't have. I had expressed a couple days after my mistake of acting the victim; I expressed thoroughly my desire for pity and guilt to have no part whatsoever in our relation as human beings. I am not the victim, I made my own bed, now I sleep in it. So she left me that night, to spend it with him. We would spend one more night together, though it was decidedly more morose than ever. We sat together on the roof of a parkade, the silent hum of the city around us was peaceful in an odd manner; the night was glowing and still. I had felt at this time a decided aversion to touching her, to making her feel uncomfortable, and so I kept my hands to myself. I let her know my mistake in breaking down as I did, I let her know that many things I said out of desperation should not have been heard. I would never pressure her to feel something that she did not. I laid in bed with her but only dared to hold her hand. She fell fast asleep and I quietly crept to my right place on the couch. And that was it. I moved out a couple days after, and our goodbye was awkward and unsatisfying, as he was present the whole time. I have seen her since, but his controlling nature makes it near impossible for me to ever see her alone, and in fact I have not since that last night together. I wish her to be happy, to be satisfied in her life; to be comfortable with who she is; to be ok with being alive. But when I see her now I don't feel this is the case. We trade glances but I hesitate to hold it very long, as not to rouse suspicion from him. But it's there. I'm sure her behavior has changed since these events, and it's clear that their relationship is not going well. I still have to hear his awful remarks, his disrespectful proclamations of "love", which seem more like his personal validation than a consideration of her pleasure. I suffer in silence, not only with the loss of my true love, but with the guilt of having broken the code of friendship. I'm fractured, I can't think straight, life has lost its luster, and I feel as low as I could think possible. It has been two months since that time, yet it feels an eternity. I believe she loves me. But I have no way of knowing for sure. I'm not even sure she knows what love is yet. I sit in purgatory yet again.

So that's my story. You may comment on it how you like. You may berate me for being a horrible friend, you may judge me in any way you please. I just felt I needed to express this in some concrete manner. It is truly the most absurd happenings ever to occur in my short life. It is a lesson I was bound to learn, but I am forced to learn it in the most absurd and insane way I can imagine. I do not know whether to wait for her, to wait for the inevitable destruction of this tumultuous and one-sided relationship, or to just forget about it. I want to be there for her, I want to influence her in a positive manner, because she could very well veer down a very dangerous road. But the more I see her, the more this pain returns. I really don't know where I am or where I'm going, my mind has been thoroughly wringed dry by this whole situation. I feel I must tell him, but I struggle to know whether it's the right thing to do, whether completely ruining her life and causing the rage of this unpredictable guy to come down on her is really the virtuous path. I thank anyone who took the time to read this account, and I thank further anyone who wishes to comment constructively, though I really expect at this point no magic advice that will make this any easier to deal with. Am I scum? Am I normal? Have I committed grave sin? Do not hold back.

 

Thank you.

Edited September 14, 2010 by tmrc

[tmrc]

I realize its a ridiculously long read, but if you can bear with me, that would be great... I just couldn't risk leaving out the complicated context of this situation.

[tmrc]

Also wasn't really sure where this should go on the forum so if it needs to be moved this is fine. Perhaps in the bat****-insane section.

[tman666]

Well, all I really have to say is that you're a pretty good writer! Your misery serves as quality entertainment for the rest of us!

 

Insensitive joking aside, I think you need to figure out what you want. If you want to be with this girl, you need to tell her what you envision for the two of you.

 

She's got to make her own decision on whether or not she wants to be with you or this guy. You're (very poetically) over analyzing this. You need to stop beating yourself up for the past ups and downs with this girl. You don't sound like you're a bad guy. It's not your job to fix her life problems and protect her from everything, no matter how much you love her. It's too much of a burden for anyone to handle. Tell her exactly how you feel, what you want her to do (leave her boyfriend and come be with you). She has to have the strength to do it on her own though. All you can do is open the door.

[welikeincrowds]

So that's my story. You may comment on it how you like.

 

My comment is that I can't believe I committed to schlepping through it all. Don't you have a blog you could be posting this on?

 

Despite your musings, your story is banal. You had a crush on a girl in high school. You dated her once you left school but you couldn't make it work. Turns out she was just going through some ****. She started seeing someone else. You end up spending time with her and you have feelings for her again. She has an emotional affair with you. You're in the middle, because she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend. You confuse affection, longing, regret, self-pity, and the desire for the unattainable with love. You both stumble through an awkward, immature connection, fraught with a lack of clearly defined boundaries, dignity, and experience. It ends as expected, as she is an insecure girl with a lot of baggage, and you are self-indulgent young man with a misplaced idea of the meaning of humility.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are in pain as I am sure that is very real and difficult. I hope you are able to do the things you need to in order to heal. There is another forum on this messageboard, appropriately named "Coping," which you may find to be a valuable resource for you. I am sure you will be fine.

 

Hopefully you will file this story under "typical coming-of-age lesson that all of us undergo at some point." It is nothing more, and nothing less, than that. I doubt you will experience anything this unnecessarily dramatic again -- you would do well to stay away from dating your high school. Cheers.

[tmrc]

My comment is that I can't believe I committed to schlepping through it all. Don't you have a blog you could be posting this on?

 

Despite your musings, your story is banal. You had a crush on a girl in high school. You dated her once you left school but you couldn't make it work. Turns out she was just going through some ****. She started seeing someone else. You end up spending time with her and you have feelings for her again. She has an emotional affair with you. You're in the middle, because she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend. You confuse affection, longing, regret, self-pity, and the desire for the unattainable with love. You both stumble through an awkward, immature connection, fraught with a lack of clearly defined boundaries, dignity, and experience. It ends as expected, as she is an insecure girl with a lot of baggage, and you are self-indulgent young man with a misplaced idea of the meaning of humility.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are in pain as I am sure that is very real and difficult. I hope you are able to do the things you need to in order to heal. There is another forum on this messageboard, appropriately named "Coping," which you may find to be a valuable resource for you. I am sure you will be fine.

 

Hopefully you will file this story under "typical coming-of-age lesson that all of us undergo at some point." It is nothing more, and nothing less, than that. I doubt you will experience anything this unnecessarily dramatic again -- you would do well to stay away from dating your high school. Cheers.

ahahha. I thank you for your honesty. I realize it's not the end of the world. And the story is wrought with needless flourishes, but I thought I'd make it a bit interesting to read. Thing is certain people in my life have really come down on me for what I've done, treating me like a scum-bag for breaking the "unwritten law" between "bros". It's gotten me down on myself, it's made me question whether I'm a good person, whether if I choose not to tell him I won't be somehow morally scarred. The weight that this lays on me right now will surely seem ridiculous once I've moved on with my life, but right now it's very heavy. I guess I'm not merely looking for some place to puke my thoughts with this, but wondering if my decision to not tell him in light of her decision to stay with him is really advisable, whether I should disregard her and simply tell him what happened in order to get this off my chest. She has moved in with him, so him gaining knowledge of this will definitely not end well for her. Very conflicted. And yes perhaps I'm letting the judgements of people who don't really understand the situation have too much bearing on my own self-worth. I know I'm not evil or something, there was no hate involved in what happened, and the fact I feel guilty about it must express some kind of moral fiber.

[DazednConfused]

Wow, have to say, as I was reading this... it felt like a Psyche 101 thesis experiment... I still have my suspicions... in that vein, you might consider paragraphing:rolleyes:

 

Welike summarized the story nicely, as well as how you're gonna be feeling about this down the road.

 

It's not your place to tell him anything at all. Seriously... when/if you should open your mouth... are you doing it to help him or the girl? I think not. Much of this emotional drama is in your own head and of your own making, it's your job to deal w/it on your own.

 

The girl... she's a mess and used you for her own misguided need NOT to be alone. Perhaps she has some feelings for you, perhaps not; you did your thing, you told her how you feel and now you have to sack up and let the chips fall. Know this tho; if you do stay on the fringe and some day end up w/ this one on your arm... she's still going to have the baggage. You can't fix baggage nor ignore it. Perhaps it's worth it to you, I dunno; but I suspect to a cerebral person such as yourself, you make enough drama all by yourself, carrying someone else's is a tall order.

 

Sit back, suck it up, take your lumps and live on.

 

-Dazed