Time limit on when you'll live closer/together?

[HeavenOrHell]

We have only been in touch 3 or 4 months and had only met once when my partner said we need to talk about the future and I kept saying "I don't want to think about it, I want to take each day as it comes" as we had both been left after very long term and close and loving relationships last summer '09, and talking about the future scared me, I also felt cynical that relationships will last after my ex left me, as me and him were incredibly close and loving yet after nearly 20 years he left. I feel scared to love again.

He said in April/May that if things continue to go well with us that in a year or two he'd like us to live together.

I thought "I bet as soon as I do talk about the future then he'll back off or something", maybe he only wanted to talk about it cos he was excited about being in a new relationship, although we both felt what we have is special.

Because I didn't want to talk about it he was upset as he felt I wasn't committed to us, which was wrong as I was, and I told him that, during that chat something shifted for me and I started trusting he meant it and that maybe things would work out for us.

Anyway as soon as I did talk about it a few weeks later, he said "we don't need to talk about it endlessly, or put a time limit on it" and "we'll find a way to make it work."

It feels that as soon as I started talking about it (in a positive way) he didn't really wanna talk about it and it's gone from "a year or two" to "I don't want to put a time scale/limit on it."

He said recently he doesn't expect me to give up my house here or anything, or give up anything for him, but one or both of us will have to, I don't want to move there and he's not sure he wants to move here, but he said that could change.

What I struggle with is the lack of a time scale, now he's brought me around to the idea of moving together or closer it feels like he's moved the goal posts. it's clear he now doesn't want to talk about it. I knew that would happen.

All I know is I can't be living like this in 2 years time, in limbo, missing him, not knowing if we'll ever live closer to each other.

But I don't want to pressure him for a time scale, especially as it would most likely be him who moves as he "isn't happy there and doesn't have a life there" whereas I do have a life here.

We've only been together 5 months, been in touch 9 months, met up 4 times, but we feel we have a future.

Do you need a time scale with your plans to make it easier? ie it's something to work towards and look forward to, rather than some vague idea? It would be nice to be able to talk about it in an excited, happy way

[LisaLee]

I suppose it depends on the couple. I know I needed a time scale, and I believe he did, too. We established one pretty quickly into our relationship. It has become a major goal of ours, something we look forward to and love to talk about.

 

Now my SO's BFF is also in an LDR. But they have no plans to end the distance, if anything his friend has eluded to moving even further away from his gf. I do not understand it, but it's what makes them happy. They like being in a relationship, specifically in a long distance relationship.

 

I think it helps to have a time on when the LD will end. Permanent LDRs are not very realistic. The point of being in an LTR is to build a life and family together, and people can't do that when they are at least hundreds of miles away from each other.

[aerogurl87]

I'm with LisaLee on this one. Both my boyfriend and I needed a time limit on when our LDR would end, probably because we had both been in unsuccessful ones before. We talked about it pretty early on. He wanted me to move up to Canada with him as soon as we could find a visa that would allow me to. So now the plan is to attempt to try and find me a job offer in October and then hopefully move up there with him next spring. I love having a deadline, it gives us both something to look forward to as the next step in our relationship. Plus I don't think a long term LDR is either realistic or a healthy way to have a relationship. There needs to be an end in sight.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks Lisa, I agree, it would be nice to talk about our future etc, although we don't want to start a family (neither of us want kids, plus I'm in my mid 40's) I would like to think we could build a future together in a year or 18 months, I can't do this indefinitely, I'm too old for that I have to remember though that he is cautious too and has his insecurities as he was also left by the person he thought was the 'love of his life,' so it's not an easy thing for either of us.

You're so lucky that your SO wants to talk about it and loves talking about it.

I asked my partner when I saw him last if he prefers LDR's to local relationships and he said no he doesn't find it easy missing me. His ex was long distance for 6 years until they lived together, they once went a year without meeting up, I really couldn't do that, I'm climbing the walls when it's 7 weeks to go atm.

 

I suppose it depends on the couple. I know I needed a time scale, and I believe he did, too. We established one pretty quickly into our relationship. It has become a major goal of ours, something we look forward to and love to talk about.

 

Now my SO's BFF is also in an LDR. But they have no plans to end the distance, if anything his friend has eluded to moving even further away from his gf. I do not understand it, but it's what makes them happy. They like being in a relationship, specifically in a long distance relationship.

 

I think it helps to have a time on when the LD will end. Permanent LDRs are not very realistic. The point of being in an LTR is to build a life and family together, and people can't do that when they are at least hundreds of miles away from each other.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply

When you say you talked about it early on, do you mean a couple of months into the relationship?

My partner talked about it early on and now he doesn't, although I know he feels the same about me as he did, so it's confusing.

 

 

I'm with LisaLee on this one. Both my boyfriend and I needed a time limit on when our LDR would end, probably because we had both been in unsuccessful ones before. We talked about it pretty early on. He wanted me to move up to Canada with him as soon as we could find a visa that would allow me to. So now the plan is to attempt to try and find me a job offer in October and then hopefully move up there with him next spring. I love having a deadline, it gives us both something to look forward to as the next step in our relationship. Plus I don't think a long term LDR is either realistic or a healthy way to have a relationship. There needs to be an end in sight.

[LisaLee]

Thanks Lisa, I agree, it would be nice to talk about our future etc, although we don't want to start a family (neither of us want kids, plus I'm in my mid 40's)...

 

Well by family I was also thinking along the lines of pets... because in my own situation my cat needs a positive male role model in her life. Plus my clock is ticking for a puppy. Not to say we don't want kids waaaaay down the line.

 

But yes, it is nice to have a companion that is physically there with you. I work for a home health care agency, and sometimes I actually get jealous when my little old ladies talk about their "man friend" coming over to visit them later in the afternoon.

[LittleTiger]

If I were in your situation I would ask him outright if he's had a change of heart because he was so keen to discuss the future in the beginning. I'm sure there's a good reason, but you won't know what it is unless you ask. On the flip side, if he is having second thoughts about your relationship, you need to know that too because, obviously, you don't want to waste time in an LDR that's going nowhere.

 

Personally, I think it's vital to talk time limits - as soon as you know what you have is special/serious. Unless you do, you may have to be prepared to live in an LDR with no end, and it doesn't sound as though you want that.

 

Like you, I'm in my mid-40s and only recently divorced after 14 years together. My LDR partner started talking 'permanent' arrangements almost as soon as we met IRL. I was a little more cautious but now, 1 year after meeting online, and 9 months into our LDR, the conversation comes up pretty much every day. We're 12,000 miles apart (30 hour flight) but we've agreed on a maximum of 3 months apart at any time and we maximise the length of visits. So we've already lived together for almost 4 months of our relationship.

 

I'm wondering if the key in your situation is the length of time you've spent together. You say you've met 4 times. How and where did you meet and for how long? How much time have you been in each other's company altogether? Have you lived together 24/7 yet?

 

It's easy for people in LDRs, when they first meet, to get carried away with feelings and then maybe later become more realistic. Maybe your partner is happy enough with the amount of time you spend together and isn't ready to commit. It is still early days for both of you and in a normal, non LDR relationship, you probably wouldn't be pushing for an answer from him so soon.

 

I think talking to him is your best bet. I'm a big fan of open, honest and direct communication. That way there are no misunderstandings and less chance of either of you getting hurt.

 

Edit: I forgot to say, we don't actually have a time limit on when we'll be together because, for now, with houses, work, businesses, children etc it's impossible for either of us to move. However, we are constantly working things out and planning our future. We don't expect to be together completely full time for maybe the next 5 years, but we should be able to manage at least 6 or maybe 9 months of the year together if we're lucky. If that's the best we can do then so be it but we know we're both in it for the long haul and we'll keep talking about options until it all falls in to place.

Edited September 14, 2010 by LittleTiger

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply.

He brought it up (the future and the idea of living together/closer) a few times after we met the first time and I kept saying it's early days, although when he said 'year or two' he wasn't meaning this year or anything, that would've been mad!

You're right I need to talk to him, but without sounding pressuring, it niggles me he put the idea in my head and now he doesn't want to talk about it, he says there's no need to talk about it, cos he just thinks we will work something out when it comes to it.

That's exactly why I didn't want to talk about it in the first place, I feared this would happen, that he would sound disinterested.

Maybe he was clinging to me after his break-up, wanted to hear something solid from me,

The thing is though I do not actually feel he has had a change of heart, I just think he is quite closed off emotionally like he says he is, which for me is not an easy thing to deal with in an LDR, it leaves the way open for insecurities and over thinking.

I probably wouldn't be thinking too much about the future yet if he hadn't brought it up in the first place. It's like he gave me the idea and then took it away again.

We've had 4 long weekends together, so about 15 days/nights together IRL, he's stayed at my house 3 times, we've spent time in a hotel too. Nowhere near long enough to move closer together but early enough maybe to talk about the future.

I feel a bit taken for granted and we've only been together 5 months. We met on a friendship/dating site, not a usual one as such, we both have unconventional views/personalities, we met on a site which is to do with a certain lifestyle, (nothing ominous or anything, just don't want to talk about it here) so we had that in common to begin with and it grew from there, friends at first, both wanted our ex's back when we first started talking online, so we went through a lot together and really hit it off and felt at ease with each other, we share the same views on life pretty much, in all the areas which really matter to me/us. We're both very affectionate and loving. Ugh I miss him I've backed off from him a bit which is wrong of me, but how can I talk about this subject without sounding pressuring?! Although it's not like I am saying you must commit to living with me in a year!! All I want is for him to say he's not changed his mind, ie thinks things are going well still, wants us to live closer at some point. He's the same with planning our visits, I plan them (long story but it's easier that way) but until we're a week or so away he says he doesn't really want to think about it, whereas I like looking forward to it, not sure if that's cos he misses me (I know he does miss me), or he's just laid back about it.

It's also stuff like not always replying to texts like he used to and never mentions going on skype now whereas he was really keen at first. On the other hand when we're together IRL there are rarely insecurities.

I also feel like because he's just generally not as forthcoming as me it leaves me guessing.

He has always appreciated my honesty when I have any concerns, I hope he won't get fed up though.

I've never felt insecure in a relationship before, it's mostly the distance as well as being left after a LTR.

>It's easy for people in LDRs, when they first meet, to get carried away with feelings and then maybe later become more realistic. Maybe your partner is happy enough with the amount of time you spend together and isn't ready to commit. It is still early days for both of you and in a normal, non LDR relationship, you probably wouldn't be pushing for an answer from him so soon.<

It's the same as your partner though; he started talking about it early on and I said it's too early to think about it (even if he was talking 1-2 years ahead). And it's the fact he was upset with me in April/May because he thought I wasn't committed as I didn't want to talk about the future, he brought it up several times until I felt it was ok to talk about it. I wouldn't want to push him for an answer at all if he hadn't brought the subject up, I just want to know he hasn't changed his mind. Now it's me who feels he's no longer committed as he doesn't want to talk about it.

You and your partner may not have a time limit as such but you both want to talk about it, and 6 or 9 months of the year sounds good to me

Anyway, emailed him and said could we talk later, he said yes. Scary

I'll let you know what happens.

Thanks again

 

If I were in your situation I would ask him outright if he's had a change of heart because he was so keen to discuss the future in the beginning. I'm sure there's a good reason, but you won't know what it is unless you ask. On the flip side, if he is having second thoughts about your relationship, you need to know that too because, obviously, you don't want to waste time in an LDR that's going nowhere.

 

Personally, I think it's vital to talk time limits - as soon as you know what you have is special/serious. Unless you do, you may have to be prepared to live in an LDR with no end, and it doesn't sound as though you want that.

 

Like you, I'm in my mid-40s and only recently divorced after 14 years together. My LDR partner started talking 'permanent' arrangements almost as soon as we met IRL. I was a little more cautious but now, 1 year after meeting online, and 9 months into our LDR, the conversation comes up pretty much every day. We're 12,000 miles apart (30 hour flight) but we've agreed on a maximum of 3 months apart at any time and we maximise the length of visits. So we've already lived together for almost 4 months of our relationship.

 

I'm wondering if the key in your situation is the length of time you've spent together. You say you've met 4 times. How and where did you meet and for how long? How much time have you been in each other's company altogether? Have you lived together 24/7 yet?

 

It's easy for people in LDRs, when they first meet, to get carried away with feelings and then maybe later become more realistic. Maybe your partner is happy enough with the amount of time you spend together and isn't ready to commit. It is still early days for both of you and in a normal, non LDR relationship, you probably wouldn't be pushing for an answer from him so soon.

 

I think talking to him is your best bet. I'm a big fan of open, honest and direct communication. That way there are no misunderstandings and less chance of either of you getting hurt.

 

Edit: I forgot to say, we don't actually have a time limit on when we'll be together because, for now, with houses, work, businesses, children etc it's impossible for either of us to move. However, we are constantly working things out and planning our future. We don't expect to be together completely full time for maybe the next 5 years, but we should be able to manage at least 6 or maybe 9 months of the year together if we're lucky. If that's the best we can do then so be it but we know we're both in it for the long haul and we'll keep talking about options until it all falls in to place.

[aerogurl87]

Many thanks for your reply

When you say you talked about it early on, do you mean a couple of months into the relationship?

My partner talked about it early on and now he doesn't, although I know he feels the same about me as he did, so it's confusing.

 

By early on, I mean pretty much after we met for the first time. Before we even met though, he asked if I'd consider moving up there and I told him I had to see if I liked it there first. Then he went out of his way to get me to love being there, introducing me to everyone, trying to get me to talk to some people so I could have a few friends up there, getting me familiar with the layout of his town, etc. lol. Then before I left we went for a 2 hour walk and he asked me my final verdict and it was pretty much decided then and there that I'd be moving up there with him, and that was about 4 months into our relationship.

[LittleTiger]

Anyway, emailed him and said could we talk later, he said yes. Scary

I'll let you know what happens.

Thanks again

 

Hi HOH. Just wondered how your talk went? Hope everything is ok.

[Romance]

we know that whenever he is done with school he will get an apartment near me. so yes, then once graduate(year after him) we will move and live together

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks hun, things are ok I think, it's been heavy going though, I will post about it a bit later today

 

 

 

Hi HOH. Just wondered how your talk went? Hope everything is ok.

[HeavenOrHell]

He sounds great, you've landed on your feet for sure I feel lucky too even if we have our ups and downs!

 

 

 

By early on, I mean pretty much after we met for the first time. Before we even met though, he asked if I'd consider moving up there and I told him I had to see if I liked it there first. Then he went out of his way to get me to love being there, introducing me to everyone, trying to get me to talk to some people so I could have a few friends up there, getting me familiar with the layout of his town, etc. lol. Then before I left we went for a 2 hour walk and he asked me my final verdict and it was pretty much decided then and there that I'd be moving up there with him, and that was about 4 months into our relationship.

[HeavenOrHell]

I had an online chat with my partner about it earlier this week, basically he didn't mind at all that I wanted to talk about the fact he'd mentioned the future/living together a few times a while ago, and doesn't mind talking about it now. It got quite heated though as I've been keeping problems/doubts to myself lately and not talking to him about it and I ended up mucking him about, asking for space and then wanting to talk to him, pushing him away before he pushes me away (I was being hot and cold basically and I feel so ashamed) and he thought I was going to say I was leaving him So the convo did not go well at first as he was feeling defensive (plus work is stressing him lately), he thought I was having a dig at him for not remembering his exact words of one of the convos we'd had online about the future a while ago, one of the convos where he was adamant about talking about the future, so once we got it clear that I wasn't annoyed about that he said he hadn't changed his mind about things and that he would love for us to be living together in 2 years time. He also thought I was talking in riddles and not being clear, which didn't help the situation. I said when he first started talking about a while ago he was upset that I didn't want to talk about it as I was being cautious + it was too early to talk about, he thought I wasn't committed, I said that's how I felt recently when it seemed he didn't want to talk about it, even though it's more realistic to talk about it now we've been together a few months. I said I felt cajoled into talking about it then and now I feel foolish as I thought he'd changed his mind. He said maybe subconsciously he didn't want to pressure me by talking about it anymore (recently).

So I guess it's ok then, knowing he meant it helps (only time will tell, still worry a little that he got carried away with everything and maybe he's not 100% sure what he's saying) and having a time scale, the time scale comes from him as it is most likely he would be the one moving, he has said before (but not in relation to us or moving) that he has no life where he is and he isn't happy, but he knows I have a life here. So if things continue to work out for us then hopefully in 2 years we will be living closer together or living together part of the time if not full time, part time is fine with both of us, much better than things are now.

He said he is happy to talk about anything I want to to talk about, he doesn't want me to feel I can't talk about things, even if it was something which may hurt him. I've said the same to him, but he finds it hard to open up about things, which I find a bit difficult, cos it does mean I often guess things and maybe guess wrongly.

He said he's not sure why he brought up the subject of the future so early on and that he is sorry. Although I don't mind it IF he meant it (time will tell!).

I've just never felt insecure in a relationship before, it's partly being left after such a long term relationship and partly being in an LDR, but I want to work through my/our problems as he is worth it.

So, I don't feel he wants us to talk a lot about our plans, not sure why exactly but maybe just being cautious and also it's like he wants to think about it more nearer the time, when it's more solid, cos maybe it makes him a little anxious wondering if we can work it out, I don't know, I'm guessing again. He said recently he doesn't like to think much about our next meeting up until it's nearly here, he said he is going to explain to me why, so I don't know yet, I thought it's cos he'd rather not think about how long it is to wait, but doesn't seem to be that, so I don't know what that's about, whereas I like looking forward to it and thinking it's only 5 weeks now or whatever. So he seems to be the same with the future and the moving closer thing, doesn't want to think about it much until it's nearer, I guess. I realise it's far more of a big thing for him/pressure on him if he's the one moving countries, on the other hand he was going to move 700 miles away with last gf, so it's not a new concept for him, whereas moving countries terrifies me.

I envy those of you who can talk happily with each other about your future plans, and while he says he is ok with me talking about it it doesn't seem like it's something he feels necessary to talk about. But no-one is perfect, I'm far from perfect.

He has been very patient an understanding with me lately, while I've been having my insecurities and doubts, he is very special to me.

Long message, my apologies! Thank you for reading

Hope it makes sense as predictive text is annoying (I typed it on Textedit).

[LittleTiger]

HOH, thanks for the update. It all sounds really positive to me.

 

I completely understand your insecurities, and I wouldn't worry about them. It's not a sign that anything's wrong. If I remember correctly we're roughly the same age, and my husband left me after 13 years together (I really thought we would be together for life) so I know how it feels to be abandoned by someone you trust and it does leave it's mark.

 

I also understand your fear of moving abroad. My mother is always giving me a hard time because I don't want to emigrate (12,000 from England to NZ!). She thinks it should be me who moves - long story. My partner and I have agreed that he will do most of the travelling and eventually be the one to move (who knows when!). Mainly because it's less stressful for him and he loves it here.

 

I can empathise too with your partner not wanting to discuss the future, although his reasons may be different from mine. As I've said, we talk about it all the time, mainly because we're trying to organise schedules for work commitments etc and we're always planning a visit or two in advance. To be honest though, I hate discussing it. Partly because it reminds me that we aren't going to be together full time for the foreseeable future and partly because every trip is such an upheaval for both of us, there is no end of stress involved. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the hassle but I can't imagine my life without him now so the alternative just isn't an option.

 

I think if you're able to communicate as well as your post suggests (provided you don't hold things in again) you guys will be fine. There's nothing in what you've said that suggests he's backing off from the relationship. It's probably just that the reality of moving countries has freaked him a bit. It is a very stressful thing to think about, even if you're keen to do it. Just keep talking and I'm sure he'll bring the subject up again in his own time.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks LittleTiger

[LittleTiger]

Many thanks LittleTiger

 

You're very welcome.

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel much better about things today, had a lovely long chat with him this eve, about all sorts of stuff, all my insecurities went out the window

I need to stop overthinking, he's a special person and I don't want to drive him away:o