To follow 'get your ex back' e-books or not ?

[bob_333]

I have been reading some 'get your ex back' e-books, and I'm confused about what to do. Lots of them describe where a man has become unatttractive by being less dominant in the relationship, and how to fix it, but I never had that problem, she always really loved me, and asked me to marry her. I think she's really confused - and doesn't know herself why she's broken it off, or maybe I'm deluding myself that thats the case. Anyways I'm told now that I must embark on a 30 day journey of no contact to clear my head out then reapproach her to rebuild attraction (she's said she doesn't know what she feels). I really want her back. Only problem is she has just started work on a building site with 100 other men, and she is the only female - I'd like to think that if its meant to be it will be, but then again with 100 blokes the odds are stacked against me winning her back, the books say have patience, but thats tough knowing what I know ... here is the history below, just like some advice please to help me win her back.

 

I'd been going out with my ex for 8 months (me 45 she 44, both bit immature), she asked me to marry her 3 times, but I didn't take up her offer, I had commitment issues - and have always needed a push, I now regret not taking up her offer. During our relationship she was always very jealous of my female friends (who I'd known before her), one being a lesbian - it was always platonic - I admit I didn't help her sense of jealousy through my actions, she was always invited out with us all - but refused to come, so I simply went on my own - this made her very paranoid - looking back I realise I should have taken more care of her, put her first. 3 weeks ago I went to a festival with them, and when I got back she dumped me.

 

We met a few days later as I couldn't believe that she really wanted out and we had a terrible argument, I pushed her and slapped her across the back of the head - which I regret, I've never touched a woman before and am a very placid man, she has since told me that these actions have cemented the break for her. We met again a few days later, and it still would not sink in for me that it was over, we discussed things in depth and I realised why and what I'd done wrong and apologised - I offered to marry her and for us to move in together, but she was just numb I think and didn't say anything. We parted and she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do and needed time and space.

 

After a week I took her out for what was meant to be a nice day out - but it was filled with pain and hurt, I felt like she didn't want to end it, so I asked her outright several times, and she said 'its over' but I also didn't want to hang around if she was going to start dating other men with no intention of getting back together, so we both ended up pulling us apart, I said it should be a clean break (no contact - ie emails txt's etc) if there is no chance of us getting back together, she seemed quite angry what ever I did that day - I was heart broken. I took her back to my place, packed her remaining things into a case and dropped her back to hers - as we packed her case she exclaimed that 'this doesn't seem right' - but I said its what she wanted, and we then said our final good byes.

 

I sent her a long email on the Monday apologising and telling her how much I hurt - I've never felt anything like that. I also apologised for snopping on her emails, but that I was aware she also had 'male friends' who she was in contact with during our relationship - but just by text and email. She sent 3 long texts saying that I could have always asked and that she had nothing to defend and that I was the man she wanted to be with and marry. After that I heard nothing from her all week then on the Friday evening (just gone) I get a text from her just asking how I am, I was pretty unresponsive and kurt, and said I would pop round tomorrow (saturday) with a few things of hers I'd found. Since the breakup I have found her texts to always be slightly narky, She'd send me a nice one, I'd reciprocate, but then get one back being arsy or sarcastic, and thats how it was Friday. I dropped her stuff off on the Saturday at her work and she was as cold as a cucumber, I was hoping I could have stopped for a cup of tea, but she seemed to usher me out of the door as quick as, that hurt.

 

I'm confused about the Text Friday, she even said 'nite' last thing which we always used to do when we were going out, what does she want, as she says its over - did she want a meet on the weekend, but I was busy. Is she using me to let herself down slowly (which I'm not going to allow, I will just get hurt) or does she not want me to go and stay in contact ? Now just dont know what to do.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

[fabio10]

Bro you are older than me and more than likely far wiser but emotions affect all of us regardless of age, I dont believe you can win the heart of someone by following instructions in a book or a manual its not a piece of flat pack furniture your dealing with !!!!

 

Women are complex creatures and we will never fully understand them heck women dont understand other women most of the time so what chance have we

 

It should happen naturally not by following steps in a book, I know you miss her greatly ! But she has stated that she dosent know how she feels thus this is her problem not yours, just control your emotions and ignore your heart and listen to your head bro !

[Billie The Puppet]

The books are written quite well that you think they would work but they have not. Although the info in them applied to my situation I have not been able to obtain a meet-up with my ex etc. I am on NC on day (10) and feeling somewhat half decent. I miss my ex I do and like your situation she wanted marriage however I was ready to give it until I came across an email and accused my ex of cheating (wish I hadn't we have been split ever since and trust has been broken it's all my fault) Can't change the hands of time. Our ages are 26 (her) and 25 (myself) sometimes I still have hopes of reconciling but the chances are stacked against us. Think of it as any % of 0% is still 0%. It's a harsh statement yes but you have to look at it as this there is no schemes, master plans etc to get an ex back it has to come naturally and by that I mean the dumper has to want it not the dumpee. This is why it has to come back naturally because it's out of your control.

[Am4Real]

I have been reading some 'get your ex back' e-books, and I'm confused about what to do. Lots of them describe where a man has become unatttractive by being less dominant in the relationship, and how to fix it, but I never had that problem, she always really loved me, and asked me to marry her. I think she's really confused - and doesn't know herself why she's broken it off, or maybe I'm deluding myself that thats the case. Anyways I'm told now that I must embark on a 30 day journey of no contact to clear my head out then reapproach her to rebuild attraction (she's said she doesn't know what she feels). I really want her back. Only problem is she has just started work on a building site with 100 other men, and she is the only female.

 

Hey Bob,

 

Sorry about the pain – it’s a tough place to be and there is a process for healing many posters refer to as NO CONTACT or NC.

 

Sometimes during the healing process the EX will surface and sometimes not. Regardless the focus now needs to be on you and your state of emotions and recovery; it’s not “getting your EX back”.

 

I’ve read a book on the topic. Perhaps not everyone will admit it, but I’m willing to bet we’ve all being intrigued by whatever “secret method” these magicians are selling. Bottom line they are all preaching variants of a suggested process -- the system of NO CONTACT.

 

Breaking all ties and I mean every last one of them with you EX is the only way to begin and transition through the healing process. What these books do is get you off to a NO CONTACT start and then at various timelines have you break the NO CONTACT rule by initiating contact with your EX.

 

They are betting that at certain passes of time you might be prepared for the rejection that is more than plausible – it’s very likely. It’s a gamble and there is no risk for the author.

 

I’ve posted before and will repeat here, it only takes one of you to break off a relationship but takes two to reconcile. There is no magic, no trick wording, no stunts and no “beefing up in the gym” to win her/him back. Simply after time away he/she will either want to come back or this time allows both of you to move on.

 

Believe all of us here in this forum when we tell you that’s the way it works. It really does.

 

[highlight]Find the post by CaliGuy on this board about NO CONTACT. It will help you get started and on your way.[/highlight]

 

While you’re healing you will find your opinions and feeling changing for the situation, so be sure to be honest with yourself and update your mind and heart with what you REALLY want. As much as you desire your EX now that could very well diminish slightly in a couple of months and be nearly gone at some later time.

 

Also be aware that things are often not the same when a couple reunites after periods apart. A short break of a week has little affect but as time passes so do attitudes, tolerances and feelings – even yours will change as I said above.

 

Go with strength now and visit this forum often as needed.

 

Best wishes!

[Don Ho]

Bro, regardless of your opinions of the "books" you need to follow NC. Your situation is no different than tons of other guys'. Because she works with 100 blokes has nothing to do with it and that's just your insecurity. You won't be able to prevent her from meeting someone and contacting her to attempt to keep her away from other men will only push her away. Good excuse on your part, but wrong thinking. The only chance you have is to back off and follow NC. Yes, that means not texting, emailing or popping by. You have to give her a chance to think, clear her head and miss you. Staying in the picture and contacting her will be counter productive. Go NC for a month, work on yourself and your life and you can go from there.

[bob_333]

I am so pleased I found this place - thanks for all your replies, I feel like I'm in a cell with no windows, a lot of pain and tears ... but reading this forum is helping.

 

Ok, my last contact was 4 days ago, and so could start NC from then, but I would like to pen her a quick email saying I was now feeling better - as my last email over week ago exclaimed how ill I was from the stress and how broken hearted I was, I'd also like to ask how she is and wish her the best, and not want her to feel bad about breaking us up - she did what she needed to do to be happy - if it was meant to be it would have been.

 

I have told her I wanted no contact, as I wanted a clean break, but really I want to leave the option open for her to do so, she has broken it once already (4 days ago), but like a game I want the option for her to contact me, should I leave it open for her to text me when she wants, although I would not initiate contact.

[Trovador]

She will contact you probably, but have in mind that that doesn't mean she is asking you back, so don't jump to conclusions right away... truth is they miss us the same way we do and feel the same emotions...

 

You shouldn't take NC as a game or a tug of war... do it to get some space and perspective on the whole situation, anything else is pure blessing...

 

And although the general advice is that they have to tell you in clear terms that they want you back, I've found that sometimes doing this for girls is a heavier burden than for us guys... maybe it's a thing of my culture (I'm Hispanic), but some girls have asked me, after I initiate contact, why in hell it took me so long to do so, while I was expecting for days their call...

 

Now, to know when it is the right time to call or to expect is one of the reason I am on this board... but be strong, bro, take some days off this mess... soon you will know what to do and even if that goes wrong at least you will have done it with a clearer head not out of desperation...

[Am4Real]

I am so pleased I found this place - thanks for all your replies, I feel like I'm in a cell with no windows, a lot of pain and tears ... but reading this forum is helping.

 

Ok, my last contact was 4 days ago, and so could start NC from then, but I would like to pen her a quick email saying I was now feeling better - as my last email over week ago exclaimed how ill I was from the stress and how broken hearted I was, I'd also like to ask how she is and wish her the best, and not want her to feel bad about breaking us up - she did what she needed to do to be happy - if it was meant to be it would have been.

 

I have told her I wanted no contact, as I wanted a clean break, but really I want to leave the option open for her to do so, she has broken it once already (4 days ago), but like a game I want the option for her to contact me, should I leave it open for her to text me when she wants, although I would not initiate contact.

 

Dude (American lingo),

 

The second you send that email the counter goes back to ZERO and the pain reverts to the way it was and maybe even worse. Sending that email serves no purpose except you getting hopes up for a reply. Go NC and be strong.

 

She will wonder what happended and how you are handling it so well. Ignore her contacts unless she states she wants to get back together. That is how NC works.

 

Read the CaliGuy post about NO CONTACT.

 

Read this one as well: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-contact-rule-46556.html

[Simon Attwood]

I despair of these people that cry "No Contact" as soon as something is not quite right in a relationship. Unless there is evidence os psychopathy, "No Contact" is ultimately dysfunctional. It's both a game, and as such unhealthy towards trying to achieve an adult relationship. and it's a cry to protect the self, but from what?

 

Ultimately from the threat to ego and the inability to accept a situation. This is not to say that damage isn't done, but the damage is self created. The ego's resistance to acceptance is what actually causes the hurt.

 

No Contact is the cowards way, it's running away from a potentially difficult and painful experience that threatens the ego. It's turning away from challenge, a challenge that you could grow from. Life is a challenge, life is about risk. Once you can understand that the pain is self created, it gives you armour against another's attempts to cause emotional or psychological pain.

 

To really understand humans, with out all the obfuscations, watch wild animals. Our obfuscations are there to hide the truth, the truth that our dysfunctional behaviour is ultimately primitive, animal, defensive manoeuvres. What we are protecting is an illusion of self. The pain is caused when the illusion meets the reality.

 

When you begin to understand that it is all about defence, fear, insecurity, you begin to gather tools to deal with challenges to the ego.

 

It's so easy to fall in to the trap of feeling threatened, attacked, vulnerable to another person pulling away from you. It's so easy to fall in to the pattern of defensive behaviour. But this behaviour is ultimately dysfunctional. It's a vicious, destructive circle; defence is perceived as attack and the conflict escalates. Defensive behaviour in relationships is the cause of all relationship malfunction. Love requires vulnerability to grow. Fear closes down the door to love.

 

Be courageous if you really want to know what love feels like.

 

Bob, don't let her defensive manoeuvres create defensive manoeuvres in you. Be strong, solid, consistent.

 

I can't predict anything, but I can at least assure you you will be giving love a chance rather than destroying any chances by adopting a defensive posture.

 

And those books are the wrong angle. you don't need to get her back, all you need to do is restore her security.

[Am4Real]

I despair of these people that cry "No Contact" as soon as something is not quite right in a relationship. Unless there is evidence os psychopathy, "No Contact" is ultimately dysfunctional. It's both a game, and as such unhealthy towards trying to achieve an adult relationship. and it's a cry to protect the self, but from what?

 

Ultimately from the threat to ego and the inability to accept a situation. This is not to say that damage isn't done, but the damage is self created. The ego's resistance to acceptance is what actually causes the hurt.

 

No Contact is the cowards way, it's running away from a potentially difficult and painful experience that threatens the ego. It's turning away from challenge, a challenge that you could grow from. Life is a challenge, life is about risk. Once you can understand that the pain is self created, it gives you armour against another's attempts to cause emotional or psychological pain.

 

To really understand humans, with out all the obfuscations, watch wild animals. Our obfuscations are there to hide the truth, the truth that our dysfunctional behaviour is ultimately primitive, animal, defensive manoeuvres. What we are protecting is an illusion of self. The pain is caused when the illusion meets the reality.

 

When you begin to understand that it is all about defence, fear, insecurity, you begin to gather tools to deal with challenges to the ego.

 

It's so easy to fall in to the trap of feeling threatened, attacked, vulnerable to another person pulling away from you. It's so easy to fall in to the pattern of defensive behaviour. But this behaviour is ultimately dysfunctional. It's a vicious, destructive circle; defence is perceived as attack and the conflict escalates. Defensive behaviour in relationships is the cause of all relationship malfunction. Love requires vulnerability to grow. Fear closes down the door to love.

 

Be courageous if you really want to know what love feels like.

 

Bob, don't let her defensive manoeuvres create defensive manoeuvres in you. Be strong, solid, consistent.

 

I can't predict anything, but I can at least assure you you will be giving love a chance rather than destroying any chances by adopting a defensive posture.

 

And those books are the wrong angle. you don't need to get her back, all you need to do is restore her security.

 

Dude,

 

GO BACK and read the original post. Read it well this time. Note the following: [highlight]"I pushed her and slapped her across the back of the head - which I regret, I've never touched a woman before and am a very placid man, she has since told me that these actions have cemented the break for her. "[/highlight]

 

I hope that's not the norm for you...? And I hope this forum trounces on your ridiculous advice.

[Simon Attwood]

Dude,

 

sorry, you lost me the moment you started your post with "Dude"

[Don Ho]

Your analysis is great if you're writing a thesis for your PhD or a book on psychotherapy and discussing the Id, the Ego and the Odd. LOL! It doesn't work in the real world. It's human nature to want what you can't have and what you have you don't want. Dating and relationships are a primitive mating ritual based on human instinct; we all seek a strong emotional partner and shun the weak. You may not like it nor agree with this, but that is the reality.

 

If you chase a woman that has dumped you will be perceived as weak by her and that will only make you less attractive. You will push her away further, not bring her closer. Likewise, sending letters, flowers, professing your love will only be seen as a manipulation and will push her further away.

 

NC is not a cowards way. First, yes, it does protect you and it give you a chance to clear your head. Second, it gives your Ex and opportunity to possibly miss you and possibly contact you. Manipulative? Maybe. But if you think marriages, human contact and dating are not full of manipulation of some kind, you're fooling yourself.

 

If you think being forthcoming is so important and valuable, go ahead and start telling a woman upfront how much you "like" her, how you "feel" about her or start professing your undying love for her .... you will find yourself left in the dust by her.

 

Bob, do yourself a favor and back off and do not contact. Do not send ANY letter or text. Do not tell her anything about NC. Love and dating is a game. Like it or not, the one that plays the best wins. Go NC, you have nothing to lose.

Edited September 14, 2010 by Don Ho

[Simon Attwood]

If you think being forthcoming is so important and valuable, go ahead and start telling a woman upfront how much you "like" her, how you "feel" about her or start professing your undying love for her .... you will find yourself left in the dust by her.

 

How cynical.

 

Bob, what you have to realise is that true love requires the ultimate vulnerabillty, and 99.9% of members on LoveShack are terrified of feeling vulnerable.

[Silvaria]

bob, this is just my opinion, but before you even consider trying to get back together with her, you should really look into why you felt the need to become physically violent with her. Even if you've never done that before, that sort of thing often escalates if the root of the problem isn't discovered and handled appropriately.

 

That being said...I understand what you're saying, Simon. When it comes to love and emotions, there is no "one size fits all" solution, including No Contact. It works for some, and may even work for most, but simply -not- everyone. However, I know that those who advocate it mean well, because it worked for them, but every single situation is different, and for some, it just isn't necessarily the way to go. I know, because I am one of them. I have greatly appreciated the advice of everyone who has told me to go NC, but I have discovered recently that it doesn't work for me, and I'm OK with that.

[Am4Real]

 

However, I know that those who advocate it mean well, because it worked for them, but every single situation is different, and for some, it just isn't necessarily the way to go. I know, because I am one of them. I have greatly appreciated the advice of everyone who has told me to go NC, but I have discovered recently that it doesn't work for me, and I'm OK with that.

 

 

Silvaria,

 

Refer to your post #5 in http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2976879#post2976879 and tell us how that felt. This is the type of emotional turbulence those of us who advocate NC are talking about.

[Silvaria]

Silvaria,

 

Refer to your post #5 in http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2976879#post2976879 and tell us how that felt. This is the type of emotional turbulence those of us who advocate NC are talking about.

 

Heh...yeah, I figured someone was going to bring that up, actually.

 

See, I think you misunderstand me. I'm not saying NC is bad at ALL...I'm simply saying it is not for EVERYONE. It's silly to think there is a single solution that works in every single situation, because there isn't. Love is a complex and varied emotion, and everyone feels differently.

 

My situation is a perfect example. The post to which you referred was a week and a half ago. I considered NC at the time, realized that my ex is a very closed-off person, and realized that if I were going to get him back, I would have to find a way to get him to open up to me again. The ONLY way I could do that was through communication with him. It would be physically impossible to get him to warm up to me again if I were ignoring his every attempt to contact me, and in fact, almost certainly would have driven him further away.

 

Now we're at a point where he's writing me as soon as he gets home from work, wanting to talk on Skype frequently (7 hours on Sunday), and is becoming more flirty and open with me. Are we "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend? No, and I'm OK with that. At the end of the day, the fact that I'm still the one he is going out of his way to stay in touch with means far more than a title ever would. I've also come to accept the fact that I'm not going to hear from him every single day, which was the case even when we were together. In any case, NONE of this would have happened if I'd gone completely NC two weeks ago, when I was considering it.

 

No contact is great IF you are ready to try to move on. I was not, so it would have been an exercise in futility for me to even try. I may even still get hurt from this situation, but had I simply written him off early on, I'd have always wondered if it could have been different...I wasn't willing to put myself in that position.

 

All I'm saying is that NC is not for everyone. It may even be for 99% of those who have been dumped, but there will always be that 1%, like myself, for whom it simply isn't the current solution.

[abust1]

How cynical.

 

Bob, what you have to realise is that true love requires the ultimate vulnerabillty, and 99.9% of members on LoveShack are terrified of feeling vulnerable.

 

My theory: You can't dump your vulnerabilities on a dating partner too soon. Attraction is the game, love becomes real. Ideally this should all be subconscious as our normal boundaries are peeled away the closer we get to someone, but most people have excessive insecurities so they have to fake the game. These people are sometimes called douche bags.

[Am4Real]

Heh...yeah, I figured someone was going to bring that up, actually.

 

See, I think you misunderstand me. I'm not saying NC is bad at ALL...I'm simply saying it is not for EVERYONE. It's silly to think there is a single solution that works in every single situation, because there isn't. Love is a complex and varied emotion, and everyone feels differently.

 

My situation is a perfect example. The post to which you referred was a week and a half ago. I considered NC at the time, realized that my ex is a very closed-off person, and realized that if I were going to get him back, I would have to find a way to get him to open up to me again. The ONLY way I could do that was through communication with him. It would be physically impossible to get him to warm up to me again if I were ignoring his every attempt to contact me, and in fact, almost certainly would have driven him further away.

 

Now we're at a point where he's writing me as soon as he gets home from work, wanting to talk on Skype frequently (7 hours on Sunday), and is becoming more flirty and open with me. Are we "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend? No, and I'm OK with that. At the end of the day, the fact that I'm still the one he is going out of his way to stay in touch with means far more than a title ever would. I've also come to accept the fact that I'm not going to hear from him every single day, which was the case even when we were together. In any case, NONE of this would have happened if I'd gone completely NC two weeks ago, when I was considering it.

 

No contact is great IF you are ready to try to move on. I was not, so it would have been an exercise in futility for me to even try. I may even still get hurt from this situation, but had I simply written him off early on, I'd have always wondered if it could have been different...I wasn't willing to put myself in that position.

 

All I'm saying is that NC is not for everyone. It may even be for 99% of those who have been dumped, but there will always be that 1%, like myself, for whom it simply isn't the current solution.

 

 

I see. You're not ready to move on then...

 

So what you are telling this forum is you are okay in your current state of occasional contact while maintaining hope for a future, all the while he maintains a NO GIRLFRIEND approach with you?

 

Then when he announces a new girl and is intimate with her you will be okay with it and be strong? Do I have that right?

 

Because if the answer is NO I have it wrong, then you have no idea what you're up against in the current state. That my friend is why we all tell you to break ties and let them come to you (if they will) with their stated intentions.

 

You remove yourself from these vulnerabilities. If he comes back to you under the current behaviors and you live on for years happy and healthy I’ll tip my hat to you!!!

[Silvaria]

I see. You're not ready to move on then...

 

So what you are telling this forum is you are okay in your current state of occasional contact while maintaining hope for a future, all the while he maintains a NO GIRLFRIEND approach with you?

 

Then when he announces a new girl and is intimate with her you will be okay with it and be strong? Do I have that right?

 

Because if the answer is NO I have it wrong, then you have no idea what you're up against in the current state. That my friend is why we all tell you to break ties and let them come to you (if they will) with their stated intentions.

 

You remove yourself from these vulnerabilities. If he comes back to you under the current behaviors and you live on for years happy and healthy I’ll tip my hat to you!!!

 

If he does that, then I will have to admit I was wrong and deal with it accordingly. However, I still believe strongly that in -my- individual situation, NC would not work, and would only drive him further away. Since I actually want him back, to do something that I am quite positive would make things worse seems incredibly counter-productive.

 

In any case, it appears we will have to agree to disagree. You seem to be saying that NC is for 100% of the people, ALL the time, and I maintain that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution for every single relationship situation on the entire face of the earth.

 

I really don't know what else to say...

[Don Ho]

How cynical. Bob, what you have to realise is that true love requires the ultimate vulnerabillty, and 99.9% of members on LoveShack are terrified of feeling vulnerable.

 

Not cynical, true. You can read the stories over and over right here on LS. Bob, what you have to realize is that you're in no position to act vulnerable and show that side at this point. You will appear weak and that will lower her already low attraction to you even lower. You can try, like other members have done, and I hate to say, you won't hear what you want and you will get an earful from your Ex. I didn't realize 99.9% of LS members were terrified of being vulnerable. I'm not, I just choose to do so under the right situation and circumstance. This is neither for you Bob. Go NC.

[Fruitpunch]

If he does that, then I will have to admit I was wrong and deal with it accordingly. However, I still believe strongly that in -my- individual situation, NC would not work, and would only drive him further away. Since I actually want him back, to do something that I am quite positive would make things worse seems incredibly counter-productive.

 

In any case, it appears we will have to agree to disagree. You seem to be saying that NC is for 100% of the people, ALL the time, and I maintain that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution for every single relationship situation on the entire face of the earth.

 

I really don't know what else to say...

 

The reason u go no contact is to gain some control over the situation.

As it stands you are giving him all of the emotional validation he needs to get over you as fast as possible. He isnt telling you he wants you back, he is just using you as he knows whatever he does from this point you will always be waiting.

That gives him the freedom to meet other people, move on but with you still there in the background making it as easy as possible for him.

 

If you are keeping contact and he isnt saying he wants you back then ask yourself how this is a good idea

[Don Ho]

However, I still believe strongly that in -my- individual situation, NC would not work, and would only drive him further away. Since I actually want him back, to do something that I am quite positive would make things worse seems incredibly counter-productive.

In any case, it appears we will have to agree to disagree. You seem to be saying that NC is for 100% of the people, ALL the time, and I maintain that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution for every single relationship situation on the entire face of the earth. I really don't know what else to say...

 

Wow. What a good rationalization for keeping in contact when the truth is you're too emotionally weak to cut ties and move on. I would say your situation is like 98% of the others and, while there are some differences because it is YOUR situation, the basic facts are the same. You are not among the 2% that MIGHT be different. Like it or not, one-size-fits-almost-all fits you and the other 98% of the population. Knock it off with the he's "stubborn" like every other Dumpee on here says. If someone really WANTS to be with you, they WILL let you know!! Saying they're stubborn or won't contact is just an excuse to not accept the reality that they are not in love with you. Hurts, but true.

 

Go ahead, he has you making him comfortable and feeling wanted without giving you the slightest commitment or telling you he wants you back. I can guarantee you this, you will wallow around with this "situation" with him. Nothing will get resolved or you will start dating again and it will just flounder along because he never had to miss you, want you or beg to be with you. At some point down the road, you will realize you wasted a lot of time on a relationship that is not going to work and you will be forced to do NC because you will want to move on and heal.

[GrayClouds]

I despair of these people that cry "No Contact" as soon as something is not quite right in a relationship. Unless there is evidence os psychopathy, "No Contact" is ultimately dysfunctional. It's both a game, and as such unhealthy towards trying to achieve an adult relationship. and it's a cry to protect the self, but from what?

 

To set healthy boundaries, care for self and to acknowledge the only person in our lives we can control is ourselves is very close to the definition of Adult. To allow "love" to be a license for one to hurt another is a adolescent attitude towards relationship that foolishly sacrifice self.

 

Originally Posted by Simon Attwood

Ultimately from the threat to ego and the inability to accept a situation. This is not to say that damage isn't done, but the damage is self created. The ego's resistance to acceptance is what actually causes the hurt.

Your mistaken for the converse is true, No Contact relinquishes ego. It is the healthy rejection of ego's assistance that it deserve what it want at all cost, that it can control the behavior of others, and it alone defines fairness.

 

Originally Posted by Simon Attwood

No Contact is the cowards way, it's running away from a potentially difficult and painful experience that threatens the ego. It's turning away from challenge, a challenge that you could grow from. Life is a challenge, life is about risk. or psychological pain.

Again mistaken, No Contact takes courage by accepting the painful situation and move through the grief of loss.

Originally Posted by Simon Attwood

Once you can understand that the pain is self created, it gives you armour against another's attempts to cause emotional

The fallacy of you position is predicated on this egregious supposition. For PAIN is not self created. If I used a 2x4 to knock some sense into some supercilious cretin, the pain experienced by so said cretin would be real and very much not be self created.

 

Emotional pain is no different, it is not self created when some choose to remove themselves from you life or choose to behave in manners that inflect distress the physiological response the body endures through chemical relations to the experience is real and not within the individual to control. What is in our ability is how we choose to deal with it. It is through this pain do we grow in courteousness that offer us inner growth.

 

PAIN is not self created, but suffering is. We can choose to suffer or not to suffer by working toward acceptance and remove the stimuli inflicting the pain from our experience. This is what NC offers.

 

Originally Posted by Simon Attwood

To really understand humans, with out all the obfuscations, watch wild animals. Our obfuscations are there to hide the truth, the truth that our dysfunctional behaviour is ultimately primitive, animal, defensive manoeuvres. What we are protecting is an illusion of self. The pain is caused when the illusion meets the reality.

WTF? Intellectualize jibberage, should I only watch wild animals or with semi domesticated ones work? As some old guy once said the pendulium of the mind swing from sense to nonsense, as you made this statement I suspect your is swing to the latter.

Originally Posted by Simon Attwood

When you begin to understand that it is all about defence, fear, insecurity, you begin to gather tools to deal with challenges to the ego.

And yet could not your own position here be driven by deference, fear and insecurity of your own ego and it's inability to accept that you can not control other behaviors. That your simply trying to intellectualize a rational for your own particular patterns of trying to push your will on to others. That it is this reason you encourage others not to move past the pain but to continue self-inflection for you have not found courage in yourself to walk away from unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships.

Originally Posted by Simon Attwood

It's so easy to fall in to the trap of feeling threatened, attacked, vulnerable to another person pulling away from you. It's so easy to fall in to the pattern of defensive behaviour. But this behaviour is ultimately dysfunctional. It's a vicious, destructive circle; defence is perceived as attack and the conflict escalates. Defensive behaviour in relationships is the cause of all relationship malfunction. Love requires vulnerability to grow. Fear closes down the door to love.

 

Be courageous if you really want to know what love feels like.

And before you can love anyone you have to love yourself. This mean understanding healthy boundaries, offering a authentic self to the world, and understanding that the quality of our life is not achieve by looking outward but by looking inward.

 

Going No Contact is embracing the knowledge that we can not change anything until we accept it. If someone choose to walk away, acceptance is the hardest part, but when we do we remind ourselves of to whom are out first responsibility.

 

How cynical.

 

Bob, what you have to realise is that true love requires the ultimate vulnerabillty, and 99.9% of members on LoveShack are terrified of feeling vulnerable.

What absurdity it is for you to use the word cynical then yet to follow it up with a statement filled with so much personal disdain. Sad.

 

 

 

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Edited September 15, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Trovador]

GrayClouds,

Nice piece of work you wrote there... I damn my scarce knowledge of your language because I am not able to ellaborate and comment on your outstanding post... suffice to say that a couple of hourse ago I said to my ex that "if I wanted to win her back I'd stay around like a puppy happy with the crumbs tossed at him..."... As things are, I don´t want anything to do with her and so, again, I'm going the silence route... that is, while I am trying to remove the cause of my pain, I sure am not choosing to suffer because of said pain...

[mickleb]

sorry, you lost me the moment you started your post with "Dude"

 

Offensive much?