Still struggling to cope

[leftfield]

I've been really struggling to cope with the end of my relationship, and more than two months down the line I've found that things are not really that much better. I've posted thoughts and feelings here on LS, and I've spoken to friends, but nothing seems to have lifted this unbearable sadness.

 

I recently had several days where I basically spiralled downwards, drinking too much trying to numb the pain and forget, I just couldn't take it any more. This of course was not a positive step on my part, it was done out of desperation, but it did bring a few things to light in my mind, which is what I wanted to post about.

 

I came to the realisation that I had built all my happiness around another person, and that without her there is no happiness left in my life. This almost certainly contributed to the breakdown of my relationship because it is clear from this that I'm dealing with more deep-seated issues, issues that are about me and not us. Consciously or not, she must have felt that I was not a fundamentally happy person, and any other issues aside, not one she would want to be around.

 

Losing the person I love was a trigger for the great weight of unhappiness I am currently feeling, and yes I have been coping (badly) with a broken heart, but if anyone is struggling the way I am then I would urge you to consider whether there are other personal issues affecting your healing process.

 

I have become so absorbed in the breakup of my relationship and looking for ways to 'heal' and 'cope' with a broken heart that I have failed to deal with the real problems. I have been depressed for at least the past two years, probably much longer than that - my perception is blurred when it comes to this. But the point is, other than some counselling sessions, which I think did very little for me anyway, I have not properly dealt with this problem.

 

If anyone else on LS is feeling consumed my the loss of their ex then you may be in the same position as me. Lots of people on here tell you after a breakup to focus on YOU. They say "go to the gym", "do things you enjoy", "spend time with friends", all of this is excellent advice and should indeed help with your healing.

 

However, unless you are actually capable of bringing happiness into your own life then these things will not have the effect that they should. You must deal with the fundamental issue first: do you know how to make yourself happy? I honestly don't know if I have ever really known that, which is why I think my judgement is so clouded with regard to depression. In the past I have put it down to just being sad or unhappy because life sucks sometimes (or often), but if I am ill with depression then I will constantly struggle to find my own happiness.

 

I was unhappy prior to meeting my ex, and when we got together I became ostensibly happy, but I really don't know whether I was only happy because I have a need to be with someone in order to be happy. Neediness is not an attractive trait of course, so little wonder that I've had bad 'luck' with relationships. I'm not clingy or difficult to be around particularly, but I do have low self esteem, and I do become reliant on making my partner happy so that she will do the same for me. This reciprocation works only if both partners are happy with themselves.

 

This is something of a cathartic post, but I think also one of advice to anyone struggling to cope. When people tell you to focus on 'you', they mean YOU. Working out at the gym, hanging with friends etc. is great, but these are things that you do, not things that you are. I've recently sought the help I need to get better, but I know I also need to work on myself in other ways. I expect that this will be a long, hard process, but one that I must pursue if I am ever going to be truly happy with or without someone in my life.

[Div]

I completely agree with what you've just said.

I don't know HOW to make myself happy. How does one discover this? I hate being needy and insecure.

[leftfield]

I completely agree with what you've just said.

I don't know HOW to make myself happy. How does one discover this? I hate being needy and insecure.

 

I expect it will be different for everyone, but I think what I (in a rather long-winded post) was trying to say is that the keyword really is YOU. I keep reading everywhere on LS that you need to change the focus to be all about 'you', but I was only looking at superficial things like trying to improve my fitness, do things I enjoy etc. These are very important - and do help - but they weren't necessarily making me happy, just distracting me ever so slightly from being unhappy.

 

What I have done personally is talk with friends, thought things out, written things down, until I finally came to the conclusion that (a) I need to deal with my depression and not feel ashamed or stigmatised to seek help, and (b) Address my self esteem problem, as I think that will lead to greater happiness within myself, more confidence and ultimately maybe even a relationship that works.

 

I've taken steps toward dealing with (a), and I'm hoping that it will have a significant impact and give me the strength to do (b). There are books that deal with confidence and that kind of thing, I've tried them to no great effect, counselling didn't seem to be my thing either, so I will have to find other ways. At the moment I'm talking the talk but honestly don't know where to start. One thing at a time I suppose.

 

Maybe you could try writing down all the reasons you think you are needy and insecure, and times when you have been like that. If someone else felt like that and did those things, how would you advise them? I suppose that's what I'm doing here. For me it is all about low self esteem and a lack of confidence. I don't take risks for fear of failure, and I tend to see myself as a failure in general. I wouldn't want to be with me either, so I really need to change.

[benB]

Sounds a lot like myself, I am struggling to cope with my breakup. I am consumed by it, while she doesn't care at all. It is hurting my school work because I think about it all day long. I am sad all day and cant understand why she could just throw away 4 years. To make matters worse I think she is hooking up with a scum bag I know from our hometown, so this is also on my mind all day.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Excellent post and one which I could have easily written myself about a year ago. Through keeping a semi-journal (semi because I didn't do it daily) of my thoughts during the break-up and even long after (been 3 years for me) as well as some deep introspection, I realized that I had built my entire life around my ex-wife. Sure, I had my own interests but she was my center for many things; I didn't maintain many friends (well, still don't but that's another story) because I was happy just being with her. So when I lost her, it literally felt like I lost *everything*. I had also suffered with low self-esteem but didn't realize how much it had affected my relationship with her, and even how it most definitely contributed to the breakup. Like you, I wasn't really happy before we met; don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say I was depressed either, but my life could have been described as somewhat empty (though I do think I am prone to short bouts of depression). When we met, of course, it changed 180 degrees, as who wouldn't be happy to find someone they believe they're meant to be with?

 

In terms of coping, I'll fully admit that I did just about everything wrong, from the beginning of the breakup up to even recently. It's only lately that I've revisited the introspection path and am making some positive life changes. You're right, all of those things (gym, friends, etc.) only distract you, and don't solve the major issue(s) if there are any; but distraction has its place too and I wish I'd done more of it at the time instead of the self-destructive habits I'd gotten into.

 

I do think making notes of your thoughts on a regular basis helps and allows you to revisit how you felt at a certain time, make correlations, etc. Counseling is also an option and one which I'll be doing myself very soon in order to continue my progress. A book I would highly recommend is "No More Mr. Nice Guy", I'm reading it for the second time right now. It's not about self-esteem per se but it is making me more motivated and effective in day-to-day life.

 

All that to say: yes, it IS and SHOULD be about you. And there is nothing truer than that old saying, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself". At least, you can't love them in a healthy way.

[leftfield]

Sounds a lot like myself, I am struggling to cope with my breakup. I am consumed by it, while she doesn't care at all. It is hurting my school work because I think about it all day long. I am sad all day and cant understand why she could just throw away 4 years. To make matters worse I think she is hooking up with a scum bag I know from our hometown, so this is also on my mind all day.

 

You may have read this already but if not then it might be helpful to you;

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t241581/

 

It depends on how long it has been since you broke up, it's pretty natural to feel consumed by it at first, but it should start to get easier over time, particularly if you follow sensible advice such as not contacting your ex, not stalking her on Facebook and trying to maintain focus on yourself. I did these things with mixed success but have still felt like I'm going backwards, which is when I accepted that I have problems that are stalling my natural coping mechanism.

 

If it's still early days for you give yourself time. Don't spend too much time alone if that's when you dwell on it. Talk it out with someone if you haven't already, accept the breakup and cry. It will hurt! It took me a long time to accept it and when I did I took a massive slide in the wrong direction, but once I pick myself up from the initial sledgehammer of acceptance that's when I began to recognise my other problems. If you accept that she is gone, feel the pain of that and then still find yourself consumed by this then you may need to look at reasons why that might be.

[leftfield]

br0ken_w0lf, I agree that distractions definitely have their place, as long as it's not at the expense of dealing with the pain head-on in order to go through it and get on with your life. I began using distractions just to keep my mind occupied, but I continued to maintain hope for a reconciliation that would never and will never come. That was a mistake.

 

I'd have to say we sound very similar in terms of our psychological make-up, "empty" is definitely how I would describe large parts of my life. I'm also prone to bouts of depression and even small bumps in the road can put me in dark moods for long periods. I think I've always pinned all my hopes of happiness on a relationship with someone I love (and who loves me of course), but I realise that is not the way to be happy. Financial problems have been getting me down for a long time and my breakup basically sent me into despair mode.

 

I was wondering, do you just dip in and out of LS occasionally now or are you still a regular visitor? If it's been 3 years since your breakup that's a long time to be feeling the pain, I feel for you man.

 

Thanks for the book recommendation, maybe I'll give it a try if this is the one you're talking about; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_More_Mr._Nice_Guy_(book)

 

It does sound like something I could get something out of.

[ShannonMI]

I've dealt with depression through out my whole life. I've been on medication for it since I was 15. It's a issue I've always had to deal with and sometimes I have had bad bouts of it. Recently with this breakup, my depression has come back with a vengence. I had to up my meds and I'm in therapy again. I haven't been in need of therapy in years because I was fine. My last bad bout of depression was 6 years ago. I would feel down every once in awhile, but I always pulled myself back up out of it. My ex was VERY understanding of my depression problems. He was someone I could talk to when I felt down and he would help make me feel better. He never seemed bothered by the fact I had these issues. Actually, I think my ex enjoyed helping me. I think he was codependant in that way. It made him feel good to be "my rock" and he felt good knowing he was always there for me if I needed him. Now that HE is the reason I'm depressed, I don't have that rock that I've had for the last 8 years. It's been a huge adjustment. I'm depressed right now because of him, but I can't call my #1 source of comfort. It blows. I know he helped contribute to my happiness while we were together. Now I am struggling to find happiness by myself. It's so hard. I totally can relate to what Leftfield is saying with this.

 

I was fine before I met my ex. Yes, I had that underlining depression, but my meds helped with it. Now I have to find happiness again. It's a day to day struggle. My depression is something that I will have forever and it's something I've come to live with. It hasn't stopped me from living my life by any means. Before my ex and I broke up I was fine, I would say, 90% of the time. Now I feel like I'm fine 30% of the time. The other 70%, I'm struggling to just function. It's because of the breakup. Does that mean my ex made me happy? Yes, I would say so. So now I have to find the happiness by MYSELF!!! It's going to be a long journey I'm sure.

Edited September 14, 2010 by ShannonMI

[br0ken_w0lf]

br0ken_w0lf, I agree that distractions definitely have their place, as long as it's not at the expense of dealing with the pain head-on in order to go through it and get on with your life. I began using distractions just to keep my mind occupied, but I continued to maintain hope for a reconciliation that would never and will never come. That was a mistake.

 

I'd have to say we sound very similar in terms of our psychological make-up, "empty" is definitely how I would describe large parts of my life. I'm also prone to bouts of depression and even small bumps in the road can put me in dark moods for long periods. I think I've always pinned all my hopes of happiness on a relationship with someone I love (and who loves me of course), but I realise that is not the way to be happy. Financial problems have been getting me down for a long time and my breakup basically sent me into despair mode.

 

I was wondering, do you just dip in and out of LS occasionally now or are you still a regular visitor? If it's been 3 years since your breakup that's a long time to be feeling the pain, I feel for you man.

 

Thanks for the book recommendation, maybe I'll give it a try if this is the one you're talking about; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_More_Mr._Nice_Guy_(book)

 

It does sound like something I could get something out of.

 

Yes, that's what I meant, distraction to get started but, agreed, if anyone who has issues thinks that just because they're busy all the time, that they're healing, they will get a big bite in the *ss in their next relationship And I know all about that!

 

Yes, we sound even more alike now: I would also that I pinned all happiness on finding a relationship and if I wasn't in one, then I wouldn't consider myself happy because I didn't think it was possible. I remember on the day I got married thinking how relieved I was that it was happening as that had been a major worry (it's not just women who fear growing into spinsters!). Of course, not to say that I would have married anyone, I loved my ex-wife (and openly admit that I still do) and wanted to be with her.

 

To answer your question, I do dip in and out of here occasionally only. But I plan on coming by more often as I've found some great insight here and would love to be able to give something back. Yep, 3 years since the break-up is indeed a long time. But most recently, I've gotten to a point which is very important for me: to accept my part in the breakdown of my marriage (despite my ex-'s insistence that it wasn't my fault), to forgive my ex (no one ever intends to hurt anyone and she has only recently discovered many of her own issues caused the problems we had), and to let go all of the anger, the hurt, the replaying, the questioning, etc. It just kind of happened. But I'm glad it did.

 

As for depression, it runs in my family so I'm genetically prone I guess. I find for me, it's the little things that will accumulate and throw me off: not as much sleep for a couple days in a row, maybe eat some crappy food instead of something healthy 'cause I'm rushed, then don't exercise 'cause I'm too tired, which leads to feeling bad about myself, etc.

 

That is indeed the book and I wholeheartedly recommend it! As I read, I was astonished to read the parallels between the author's subjects and myself. Soooo many examples of what went wrong in my marriage and what to correct for next time...

[LoveTNT]

In all honesty Leftfield, you are making a big step by realizing this. Some people don't, and you want to be happy with you, yourself. Focus on that it will come...

It will.

 

Stop drinking that ****s a depressant. At least for awhile, stop. I'm doing the same. I went out to have a drink with this guy this weekend (first day I went out with another guy, I met him in Vegas he's sexy, but that doesn't speed up the healing haha) ehem anyhow, the next morning I cried. Dang alcohol got me all twisted up emotionally.

 

I don't even want to be all buzzed missing the ex, that's the worse.

 

You are on the right track. So keep truckn

[shiftedblue]

Leftfield, I'm going through a very similar situation. I have suffered from depression for years and lacked a sense of individuality during my relationship. He was everything to me.

 

Now that I've been dumped, about a month and a half ago, I've begun to see a psychotherapist. It has been very helpful in that I have begun to realize the patterns of my choices, and seeing and recognizing my self-destructive behavior makes me less likely to do these things..

 

I'm also considering joining AA because of my alcohol ( & minor drug) problem. The desperation I felt from the broken heart drove me to drink more, to need to get messed up to get to sleep or to be able to have fun. But I've always had this problem to some extent.

 

So yeah, I totally hear what you're saying, and I would definitely suggest seeking therapy, and possibly attending alcoholics anonymous (I haven't yet, admittedly). I'm deathly afraid of being 23, single, and sober, but I also don't want to end up an alcoholic...

 

It'll get better. I think there are moments of happiness, moments of beauty. These are important things to realize. We can't be happy all the time, but feeling ups and downs is better than numbing our pain with the band-aid of a bad relationship.

[Iloveyou4ever]

im going through the same thing..i thought i was doing so good by hanging out with friends and going out to parties but in all it really wasn't helping....my ex is in love with a douchebag, just after 2 weeks of us braeking up and i can't stop thinking about them being together. It raelly puts me down, i can't concentrate in school at all and it hurts soo much