I want her back

[Ilostitall]

My story is pretty long so I'll try to make it as short as possible

 

I use to have a good life, I married the women of my dreams, together we had one lonely daughter, we lived in a nice house, I had a profession job and we were fortunate to make enough money to live very comfortably. We had the perfect life. Until one day when my wife's and my life would change forever.

 

Along with our perfect like we had our wonderful daughter who was a great kid. She never gave us any problems growing up and even her teen years weren't bad. He’s where more drama free than most. But in her late teens, things took a strange turn. She became more and more isolated and depressed. She stopped hanging out with friends, dropped out of school, couldn't keep a job and just seemed to give up on life. She rarely left the house and spent her entire time on the internet or watching TV. We tried getting her into counseling but she refused. She lived this way for a few years until she was 23 and apparently had enough of life. One night (almost a year ago from this date) while my wife and I were out of town, she took an overdose of multiple prescription pills and alcohol. She must have done a lot of research, the combination of pills was very unique and we later found out was extremely lethal. The medications themselves were said to be difficult to obtain. I didn't find her till the day after and discovered she had left a note. I'm amazed at how she had everything, every single detail of her suicide planned out. How could she do such a stupid thing!?

 

Nothing was the same after that, including our marriage of 26 years. We both seemed more distant and cold from each other. There was an awkward silence amongst us, we didn’t talk like we used to, we stopped going out, stopped being a couple basically. While we still loved each other it felt like the spark was gone and we were just going through the motions of marriage. Things got worse from there. Before all this, I rarely if ever use to drink. I had a drug problem decades ago, but that was very short lived. I slowly started drinking more and at the time I didn't even notice it. It went from a few beers after work to drinking a few beers before work, during, after and everywhere in between. When I drink I feel as though I can be free to talk about my daughter. Whereas when I'm sober I find it extremely difficult to talk about her. I can't even say her name. My wife noticed my drinking which lead to many arguments. It got to the point where we rarely said a word to each other, things were so tense. We even slept in separate rooms. She left me once to "sober up" and has kicked me out multiple times for drinking and using. I've been hospitalized many times for oxycodone overdose and alcohol poising. Luckily, I've never had a run in with the law. After 35 years of working for the same business I was fired for drinking on the job. I broke the news to my wife right away, which lead to the biggest argument we ever had and is what I believe was the last straw. She gave me my portion of the money and kicked me out the next morning

 

I jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house and eventually ran out of money. I became homeless and lived out in the streets. Even though I had nothing, I still found money to drink and use. I would sell anything I had - shoes, clothing, anything to get a drink. I started using more heavily and using more serious drugs. Most nights I slept where my daughter is buried. Although it may sound morbid, I felt a sense of comfort being so close to ny daughter. After a few weeks of living on the streets I asked my estranged wife if I could stay at her house because of the terrible heat wave we were having. After some begging she let me into her home and in turn, I helped with household chores. We kept our distance from each other. I left her house and entered a homeless shelter. After I left there I became increasingly depressed and started drinking and using even more. I was amazed at everything lost. I’m so far from where I use to be. A year ago I was a successful businessman, with a family, a wife, a nice home and everything he could ask for. Now here I am; a homeless addict whose lost everything that ever mattered. I lost my family, my house, my wife, all my possessions, EVERYTHING. I became suicidal and thought of ways I could end it quickly. Instead, I got very drunk and ran into some cops. I drunkenly told them that I wanted to end it – jump from a building, into traffic, etc. They took me in to sober up for a few hours and then transferred me to a crisis clinic where later I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

 

The hospital itself was in pretty poor condition and was under staffed. But it felt great to have a bed to sleep in, a room, clean clothes, food and even a shower. Despite all the negatives it was almost like being in a hotel. I haven’t been homeless that long and already I forgot was it was like being inside all the time. The whole process was terrible and naturally I wanted a drink or some other quick fix to ease my current emotional stress. I slipped once; my roommate somehow smuggled in drugs and offered me some. The staff never took notice, but I didn’t want it attempt it again. The withdrawals itself was horrid which what made this who experience terrible. I think I was extremely irritable the entire time, even though I tried not to get too nasty with everyone. I did get something out, but not all. I still find it extremely difficult if not impossible to talk about my daughter. I understand that drinking and using won't bring her back, yet I still do it. I guess while I'm under the influence, it's easier to deal with... the fact that she's not coming back. She had portions of her body donated to science and the rest is 6ft under... That’s where she is... Even then that's not really her. But I do think she's somewhere.

 

For now, I'm staying with my brother and waiting for proper housing of my own. The state is going to try to help get me back on track

 

I so desperately want my wife back, but she refused since I don’t get any help before. But now things are a bit different but she doesn’t believe me. How do I prove to her that I have changed? That I will lead a clean and healthy life?

[dgiirl]

I so desperately want my wife back, but she refused since I don’t get any help before. But now things are a bit different but she doesn’t believe me. How do I prove to her that I have changed? That I will lead a clean and healthy life?

 

First, let me say how deeply sorry I am for your lost.

 

The ONLY way to prove to your wife you have changed, is by doing it. It's not going to be a quick fix, it might take months or even years, and it might even be too late. But you need to just get your life in order and live it. The more you drink and the more you do drugs, you will just prolong your grieving. Alcohol and drugs are simply a band-aid. They temporarily stop the wound from bleeding, but as soon as you sober up, the wound opens up again often larger than before and you start the grieving process all over again. If you truly want to get past this and live in honor of your daughter, you need to stop drinking. You are going to have to grieve. You are going to have to feel all the emotions. You are going to have to work through them in order to get a better life.

 

Your daughter must have been in great pain to take her own life. You need to show her a better way of dealing with that pain!

[Cee]

I would suggest AA/NA if you aren't already going. If you get back on track and truly recover, you don't have to say anything to your wife to convince her. She will see it. You will radiate health.

 

12 step recovery isn't for anybody, but it can work miracles. If you work your hardest and put your life back together, you then can make amends to your wife. It will take time, but it's worth it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Do you know if your wife might have posted on this board?

[lkjh]

sorry you are going through all of this. Its good to see you at least have a chance to turn your life around. I am very sorry about your daughter

[tornandmarried]

im sorry to hear your story, its very sad....i believe there is always hope to fix a relationship, but it takes 2.....first of all your on the right track so keep going, become the man u used to be, the man she fell in love with...itll take alot of time and work to repair the emotional damage in your marriage....u might not be able to fix the marriage, but u may be able to salvage a good friendship with your wife, which is good enough....just dont give up on yourself

[Ines]

I'm so sorry about your sad story. It's amazing what life can bring sometimes. Focus on yourself right now, get yourself back to the road. In order to get her back you need to get yourself back first.

 

Have a great day,

 

Ines