ALombard Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I don't know if any of you have had this happen before but... ...long story short my ex dumped me 4 months ago for another guy. As some of you might have done, I pinned, begged, pleaded for about a month with the only result being her becoming more distant. Finally got over it and went NC. That lasted for about 3 weeks until she called me apologizing for the way she had acted. Me being the dumb ass I was decided to try having a civil friendship with her. That didn't work, I got depressed and so I broke off contact again. I did this about twice in a 2 month period, each session of NC only lasting a few weeks until she would call me. Well eventually I just got tired of everything. I knew that there was no way her and I could be friends partly because I still have feelings for her, partly because she would never be able to just "hang out" with me seeing as her boyfriend doesn't even know we talk, and mainly because if you add those two circumstances together and think logically there is LITERALLY no way anything could come of it. So a month ago I did what I felt was best. I politely told her that because of the above circumstances we need to stop talking to eachother. I also informed her that she is really putting her relationship at risk and if her and her new boyfriend ever break-up then she could call me and MAYBE we could start something up again. Well a week ago she calls me again, stating how she recently has let Jesus back into her heart, etc, etc. She asked me for forgivness and told me how I deserve the best in life (uh huh...) well after that she has been calling me and texting me for the last week. I haven't answered the phone calls and have only texted her telling her to keep in mind what I told her during our last conversation. I don't get this girl. It seems like everytime I get to the point where I have stopped thinking about her and life is mellow and the road is smooth she pops back into it. Anyone ever have this issue with an ex, I literally don't think I can say anything else to her. I don't hate her or hold any kind of grudge or bad blood towards her. We have both made amends with eachother it's just I don't see the point in talking to her when NOTHING will come of it. Just seems like a waste of time.
Trovador Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Well, let her be... eventually she will get the message and will quit contacting you... That is, if you don't end burnt anytime you two talk... I guess they do it because of custom... I know for a fact that my ex did it without questioning herself, without second thoughts... it is scary... they keep doing it because they don't have anything to lose really...
JimmyB26 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 ALombard, Wow, this sounds a lot like my ex used to behave. By any chance, is she considerably younger than you? My story is posted around here, but it's old hat now. I dated one of my undergraduate students as a TA, when I was 29 and she was 21. Well, she was a former student. Gorgeous, smart, and fun...we were together for several months until just after spring break, she met someone down where she went on vacation, and withdrew from me until she could find some slight problem to blame me for and make the breakup my fault. Started the LDR within a few weeks. This girl broke up with me two days before my divorce became official - I'd been separated the whole time and she knew it, and while it wasn't ideal, I knew she had fallen hard for me and was probably scared she was a rebound. She may well have been, but I still fell for her too. Anyway, I let her walk away, I accepted it, and slowly withdrew. She, however, still texted me every day after the breakup, until I started pulling back a little bit. She quickly noticed it, within 48 hours. I fully intended to respond to her slowly, let her draw me back, but every time I was about to respond, she would contact me again! Furthermore, she was being offensively selfish about it. Here I was, freshly divorced, happy but a little scared, a lot depressed, sleeping about 3 hours a day, not talking to friends, just miserable and alone and unable to concentrate on anything...and she was asking "why I was doing this to HER" and how horrible it felt for HER that I was avoiding HER. I caved after a couple weeks, we talked, by then I'd pieced together that she'd met someone, she flatly denied it. We met in person. She could tell I was a wreck. It wasn't pretty. We met a few weeks later over drinks before she went back down to see this guy over Memorial Day weekend. I threw a couple barbs her way and she did the same to me. It still wasn't great. While she was on a week vacation with him, I went to hometown NY and refreshed myself, saw friends, saw old flames, saw family. Set up some dates for when I got back. Posted pictures on facebook from the trip, and sure enough, she started contacting me when we both got back. She'd brought me back a tshirt from spring break that made a lewd reference to my male endowment (hey, I loved it, never did wear it in public though ). This time, after SEEING THE NEW GUY, sent me a text picture of a similar t shirt she said she was going to get me. Still thinking about you know what. We slipped into a "friendship". I was essentially the emotional surrogate for her LDR bf. She'd see him every few weeks and hang out with me during the in-betweens. If she sensed I was reading the writing on the wall and pulling away, she'd panic and get REALLY clingy and needy. Persisted all summer. Still never met the guy. She told him that we were just friends and it didn't work out between us, but obviously she had a deep-seated attachment to me. When I was heading to LA for the 4th of July to see an old flame from YEARS and YEARS ago, and she knew this, she comes over the night before I leave, just to "hug" me, at about 11:30 PM. I could see the fear in her eyes that she was losing me. Then she sent me this lewd bikini shot while I was there, kissy-face. I called her on it when we got back, and we fought a little bit. If she was trying to keep me around as a backup she was essentially shooting herself in the foot. Here's why: I was beginning to wonder who she'd been toying with while she was with me, and now that I was being toyed with, I knew I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship. She wasn't showing this guy a whole lot of respect at all. Essentially, he was like a prop - take him to weddings, show him to friends, stay with him and party in a warm, fun city. This is how pathological narcissists work. They use people to fill their emotional voids. They're vampires. At the end of the summer, I took her out for her birthday, we had a great time, and then I cut bait. That night. I stopped responding. She went flat-out berserk. Called, texted, sang to me over voicemail. Finally sent me a card that some of my friends read - and my friends told me if that they ever caught a girlfriend writing a card like that to an ex, they'd have walked out. I thanked her politely. Eventually got back in touch. We tried hanging out again in October and November. In November, over drinks out at a bar, I see her phone ring, see the bf's name, she sees me see the phone ring, and lets it go to vmail with a smile on her face. Really twisted, I was a little shocked. Meanwhile she was also sending me every single joke text that the LDR bf was sending her. In December, she made the mistake of sending a couple of really OUTRAGEOUSLY racist jokes. Featuring the n-word. She knew how ethnically diverse my friends were, and between that and a couple of jokes mocking my religion I'd never gotten over, I'd reached my limit. I politely responded via text to the second n-word joke that it was an incredibly offensive word, and to stop sending me the jokes or stop using the word. She responded that they were just forwards and there was no need to get offended. I couldn't believe it! Was she serious? She made it my fault that I got offended. As if it were a choice. Then I was a pariah. I'd criticized her, and it was a narcissistic injury. She'd lost face. She couldn't cope, so she'd just rather run and hide and turn the cold shoulder, and leverage herself by being silent. We fought a little bit, and then silence persisted over XMas & NYE. She was still liking some of my statuses on facebook. My birthday came around, and I got a text as if nothing had happened. Her graduation came around and I sent a gift, and she called to thank me. She made it clear that she couldn't see us being friends, so I deleted her off facebook a couple of weeks later. Within days, I was blocked. That was pretty funny to me, because she, being her typical self, had only one place left to go to TRY to get the upper hand over me for deleting her and try to demonstrate higher value. In her hurt or anger, she blocked me. I tell ya... That was in April. No contact since then. Consider yourself lucky. Looking back on this post, I can now tell how much of a basketcase she really was, so thank you for that. I have no doubt that the new "prop" bf is going to wind up through the ringer, he's just a little too naive to see it right now. She once told me she loves LDRs, and I understand it. She can control the intimacy level, keep them entranced from afar, draw them in and enjoy the perks when they're near, and they never REALLY know who they're dealing with. Compared to me, consider yourself LUCKY....
Recommended Posts