xela Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Our twelve year old daughter is a pleasant, relaxed, smiling girl, but in recent months, she's been having occasional episodes of extreme inconsolable anger. The spark for her anger seems to be something small e.g. last week, it was nearly bedtime, and I asked her if I could check her homework journal. Next thing, she hit the roof, with "No! No! No!", and screaming, crying, sobbing. (there was nothing amiss with her homework journal - I checked later) Last night, again, late evening, we were discussing her new art teacher, who she's finding difficult. She's always loved art, but this teacher doesn't seem to appreciate that she enjoys art, giving her lots of criticism and pressure. When my wife sat her down to discuss the situation, she just hit the roof, with lots of crying, and shouting No! etc She's also been like this on occasion when we've discussed some of her friends who we perceive as being on the bossy side towards her - she just blows. When we discuss this afterwards, she says she doesn't understand why she gets so upset, and she's able to talk about the "inflammatory" situation normally and calmly. We feel that this may be one of those "hormonal" kind of issues, but we don't want to ignore it. Anyone have any ideas about how we should handle this? thanks Xela
KikiW Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 It sounds like her hormones are kicking into high gear. I was about that age when I started copping a 'tude with my mother (how she didn't beat me senseless I have no idea). If you are concerned it is something more serious, you can certainly have a doctor do bloodwork to see if there is a chemical imbalance somewhere along the way. Do you notice her outbursts happen when talking to her about a certain theme? You said she got upset when talking about a teacher who is too demanding, when talking about friends who seem bossy, and when your wife asked to look at her work. Perhaps it is a control issue - she doesn't feel she is in control of her art, in control of her friendships, in control of her homework and is becoming reactive about it. Couple that with her not being in control of what's happening with her body, she may just be on overload. Just something to explore.
GorillaTheater Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I agree with Kiki, but would add this: explore and discuss consequences for the outbursts. I've gone through this twice now (oldest daughter 22, the next 14). While trying to figure out why these outbursts are occurring in the first place, I don't think it's unfair to impose some kind of punishment if the outbursts continue. True story: being out in the country, we have a septic system. I had to do some major work on it, and drafted my two oldest boys to help. Many of their chores fell upon my 14 y.o. daughter. Who was upset by that. Loudly and frequently. Fine. So I gave her a taste of the unpleasantness her brothers were dealing with by making her scrub one of the septic tanks. It surprised even me that she took it in stride. She even created a graphic novel(la) describing the experience which was hysterically funny. She knew she was wrong with the constant carping, and I think in part even welcomed the punishment, as odd at that seems. You daughter knows she's out of line. I think she may want some firm boundaries on what's acceptable and what's not.
KikiW Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Awesome story GT! And apparently she learned a valuable lesson from it - fantastic!
lilbunny Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Our twelve year old daughter is a pleasant, relaxed, smiling girl, but in recent months, she's been having occasional episodes of extreme inconsolable anger. The spark for her anger seems to be something small e.g. last week, it was nearly bedtime, and I asked her if I could check her homework journal. Next thing, she hit the roof, with "No! No! No!", and screaming, crying, sobbing. (there was nothing amiss with her homework journal - I checked later) Last night, again, late evening, we were discussing her new art teacher, who she's finding difficult. She's always loved art, but this teacher doesn't seem to appreciate that she enjoys art, giving her lots of criticism and pressure. When my wife sat her down to discuss the situation, she just hit the roof, with lots of crying, and shouting No! etc She's also been like this on occasion when we've discussed some of her friends who we perceive as being on the bossy side towards her - she just blows. When we discuss this afterwards, she says she doesn't understand why she gets so upset, and she's able to talk about the "inflammatory" situation normally and calmly. We feel that this may be one of those "hormonal" kind of issues, but we don't want to ignore it. Anyone have any ideas about how we should handle this? thanks Xela Just a thought but have you discussed the impact of hormonal change with her? It might help if these feelings were less mysterious. If you have done that already how about an alternative outlet for this anger. Find something that suits your daughter. It sounds like art is really important to her, how about a sketch book to articulate her feelings until she is calm enough to discuss them? There are lots of variations on this technique, journals, a physical activity, even something safe to hit. It very much depends on the child and what works for them. A specific place to go to can be helpful too. It is important to discuss the consequences of these behaviours. Adolescence is a period where the ability to 'read' other people's moods, reactions and even body language. This decreased sensitivity can create the appearance of selfishness. There seems to be a range of triggers so the outbursts are probably unrelated to the feelings of anger, but keep talking and reassuring. If the school issue comes up regularly is there an opportunity to discuss this with the teacher. Most teachers would value such discussion and it doesn't have to be done in an accusing manner. It could be a different style, constructive criticism to drive on a good student being misinterpreted. It sounds like you are handling this really well, I hope something here is helpful.
turnera Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Has she started menstruating yet? Have you taken her to her doctor to check for that? Does she have annual checkups? Bloodwork? Could be a vitamin deficiency or some other biological issue.
Author xela Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Thanks for replies. To answer a few queries: No, she isn't menstruating yet, but must surely be close to doing so. I appreciate the comments 1) Hormones seem to be the main issue here 2) The aspect of "lack of control" is very interesting 3) I like the idea of getting her to redirect her anger via art or something else 4) I understand what you're saying about punishment, but I'm not sure that it'll work for her. It seems to be less "conscious" than that - just like a wave that hits her. She had one last night, and my wife said clearly and calmly to her: "if you carry on behaving like this, I'm going to turn around and ignore you. There's no point in us continuing the conversation when you're being like this". Daughter got very frustrated by this, but when I arrived home 20 mins later, she was calm, rational and able to discuss the problem without getting upset. I wonder if this is a way of dealing with it - showing her that the angry episodes simply result in being ignored rather than getting what she wants.... We'll also keep talking to her about it. Thanks everyone.
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