i supported him through cancer, he went on vacation and cheated!!!

[skydiveaddict]

Yea 79 is def. up there. It is amazing he's still skydiving. Isn't he afraid he'll have a heart attack while he's falling? Scary:confused:

 

 

Naw , freefalling is the fun part, the rest is very peaceful, just a slow ride to the DZ. Besides, he's kinda like me. What is there left to lose?

[soulless]

Thank you guys. I will find courage to leave him, even though he has been a part of my life. I have never been in a relationship before him. Why did he do that is beyond me?! I just never wanna see him again because he makes me sick.

 

LucreziaBorgia, can u explain more to me what you were trying to say, because I need the opinion of a cancer survivor.

Thanks

[soulless]

and i agree with you shannonMI i did tell him to tell me if he ever feels he s out of love with me, but he always told me he loves me, and that he would never cheat on me. What a liar!

[soulless]

LucreziaBorgia you were right about his attitude. He doesn't seem to comprehend the gravity of what he did to me, and how it hurts me, and how I find it to be the betrayal of a lifetime.

[soulless]

to skydiveaddict :

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

LucreziaBorgia, can u explain more to me what you were trying to say, because I need the opinion of a cancer survivor.

Thanks

 

It is hard to put into words, but when you come out on the other side and are in remission, you tend to see things with entirely different priorities than you did before. You find yourself thinking "I nearly died" and that tends to trump things like betrayal, heartbreak, etc. It is a deeply selfish thing, but sometimes you find yourself wanting to live for yourself at that time and not anyone else: no obligations, no roadblocks - you feel like you can live by different rules because....

 

... wait for it...

 

"I nearly died"! as they say.

 

Like I said, it was not something that lasted for me: I came back down to earth eventually and things have settled down back into 'normal'. It takes a long time to reach 'normal' and when you do, you look back at the "defiant post cancer" days and think... "man I did some stupid stuff" and you start being more empathetic and less selfish as you get more toward normal.

 

That said, I don't think your boyfriend is the average cheating guy - he has some things going on in his noggin right now that are hard for anyone who hasn't been there to comprehend, but that still does not excuse cheating.

 

I hope though that you will consider contacting a counselor who works with cancer patients and their friends/family. So much of what I went through in my head never saw the light of day, and never will - stuff going through my head that would horrify the average person, but when you go through something like that, the brain tends to go right along with you. He may not ever be willing to share it all, but someone from the outside who has experience may be able to help you see a bit of what may be going on inside of him.

 

Chemo can also mess up cognitive abilities as well - two years and some months later, I still have 'chemo brain' (my chemo was an especially nasty mix - literally the strongest stuff they have for it), now I don't know what cocktail your boyfriend was on, but it may linger with him for a while. Mine permanently damaged my heart and lungs, and left me a bit scatterbrained - his may not. That permanence has left me with a bit of a permanent bitterness deep down, but hey at least I'm alive. He may also carry some small core of bitterness for a long while.

 

But.. again, that should not excuse poor behavior. It can only help to explain it. Your boyfriend has some making up to do to you big time, but if you can get in touch with the right people and get some of this off your chest with someone who has worked with this sort of behavioral flip-flopping post cancer, you may find a way to cope and work toward reconciliation with him.

 

One day he will not feel like he is the sum of his cancer anymore, and he will return to some sort of normal, but hopefully he won't do anything else douchey like continued cheating on you when you were there for him.

[TaraMaiden]

Wow! I am shocked that my typing was more important to you than the actual issue. Yes, I typed it fast, but I did it off my iphone, and it s hard to type there, and the fact that you would doubt my story is a little insulting to me. Anyway, your advice would not be necessary at this point. Please do not contact me on this thread anymore.

Maybe you have lost all your trust in people and that is why you doubt me. Anyway, your input is no longer necessary.

 

I'm afraid this is a public forum, and I'm at liberty to post where I wish. Unfortunately, albeit your thread, you don't get to pick and choose the contributors.

Permit me to explain:

 

You'd understand our standpoint, if you knew just how many trolls we get on here writing cock-and-bull stories.

It's not difficult to see why I - and somebody else for that matter - had doubts about your input, given the huge disparity between the two posts.

 

keep your shirt on, and don't be so defensive.

There's a lot goes on, in this forum with new posters who actually post some pretty incredible stuff, and after 3 of 4 pages, their story starts to come unstuck and unravel.

The reason I questioned this was because my cousin had cancer. That's why I was finding it difficult to gauge your narrative. he was told on no account to expose himself to strong sunlight for at least a year (he had cancer of the tongue) and was advised to not fly for at least 2 months after his operation and treatment. And he lives in Italy - a very warm, sunny and consistently fair-weather country.

 

But for everyone's info its testicular cancer, removal of a testes was done, then it spread to his lungs, then it spread to the spine. That is why he had three chemo treatments.

Because he did not receive radiation he was able to travel to the beach. It was two months after he finished treatment, and therefore his skin was not very sensitive after chemo.

Well then he's an all-out through and through @$$hole, has treated you abysmally and deserves all the kickback you give him.

Ingratitude doesn't cover it, and his treatment of you goes beyond the pale.

 

 

I'm sorry you felt upset by my questions; it's not a question of mistrust. It's a question of contempt for those who come in wasting other people's time with made-up tales that mislead and deceive.

[Angel1111]

Thank you guys. I will find courage to leave him, even though he has been a part of my life. I have never been in a relationship before him. Why did he do that is beyond me?! I just never wanna see him again because he makes me sick.

 

LucreziaBorgia, can u explain more to me what you were trying to say, because I need the opinion of a cancer survivor.

Thanks

 

You've said this more than once - how could he do this? The truth is, one of the biggest problem may be that the two of you have been together since very early in life, and then him getting cancer and nearly dying - I'm quite sure that he felt like he was missing something in life and wanted to live it without having to answer to anyone, and without feeling confined by the rules. And as bad as it may sound, he may be so selfish that he doesn't want any reminders of that time when he was sick. I know a lot of people admire 'high school sweetheart' relationships but they do have their drawbacks, and they can work against you. You start out together too young and you end up not experiencing life or being with other people. That is very important to some people, and something that can't be gotten past.

 

But as others have said, none of these things excuse what he has done to you. What I don't get is that you mention that his parents sent him on this trip. You said before that he has no one but appearntly he has parents who were present. Why weren't THEY around while he was going through all of this, too? Where were they when you were up all night with him, waking him every 10 min, and all that? Wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me away if my son were in the hospital with cancer. But they apparently weren't there when he was at death's door, but they're suddenly there for him now to send him away on a trip. What weird parents he has.

 

I understand that you love him dearly and all, but as I often say to others 'But I love him' isn't a good enough reason to stay in a relationship where you're disrespected and cheated on. He isn't the person you thought he was.

 

I think it's extremely admirable that you stood by him all those times when he was sick, and he may have appreciated it then but it apparently didn't keep him devoted to you in the long run. The thing is, whenever we do something nice for someone else, we can't expect an award at the end of the 'show'. And I'm not saying that you did expect that - I know you didn't - but the things we do for others have to be things we do out of our own free will, our own loving spirit, and we have to be willing to accept that our love and sacrifices may go unappreciated, may even go unnoticed. Don't let it make you a less loving person. Don't let him define who you are.

 

As everyone else has said, it is so sad that this has happened and I'm really sorry. You pulled him through the hardest thing he'll probably ever experience. Instead of feeling that your pride has been wounded, you should be proud of what you did and of who you are. That's all any of us can ever do. If someone doesn't appreciate us, there's not a lot we can do about it. I think it's time to just stop talking to him and cut ties. It doesn't mean he has to be your enemy or your friend. But he has left you little choice about what to do in this circumstance. As the saying goes, if you love something, set it free...

 

 

P.S. Just my opinion but I think you were a little hard on TaraMaiden. She was just trying to explain something to you and she was actually very nice about it.

Edited September 17, 2010 by Angel1111

[yanchic]

Hi Soulless, I feel like we have a lot in common. My husband had testicular cancer as well. He went through chemotherapy, and I stayed by his side the entire time. We have 3 children together. After the chemo ended in May 2010, he cheated on me. I found out, and it was completely devistating to me. I have been and still search for a reason as to his cheating on me and still don't completely understand. He was a heel for what he did, but we have been to numerous therapy sessions with a psychologist and are working things out. The reasons I am staying with him: 1) I have alot of time invested in him and our family. 2) We have children together, and I do not want them to have separate family lives. 3) He is beyond regretfull for his actions, initiated the therapy 4) Most importantly I still love him. You have to evaluate your own situation and weigh the pros and cons. My husband knows that under no circumstances is this behavior acceptable and that I cannot live in a life where I do not trust him. If this ever happens again, I will leave in an instant. You mentioned that the other woman was not even more attractive, and I can relate as well. The other woman in my case is not very attractive either. I on the other hand pride myself in staying healthy and attractive and even teach aerobics. I am a confident and intelligent woman. I have come to believe that this is not about the other woman, but more about my husband. He is not the flirtatious type and I know that this other woman came on to him in a strong way and he gave in. I do think that his "chemo brain" or desire to live life to it's fullest may have played a small factor in his cheating. But his values in life were skewed, and this behavior was completely out of the norm for him. Because of his complete regretfullness and desire to stay together, we are working things out. It will take time to mend and may never mend completely, but I believe and want to believe that we can work this out for the best. I am past the stage of "I can't believe this happened to me" and in the coping stage. I still think of this every day but do not let it consume me. You need to evaluate 1)yourself and what you want/where you are in your life 2) what he wants out of his life and where you rank in his life. I strongly suggest seeing a therapist as well. He or she can help you make a decision and stick with it. I wonder if he would have cheated on me earlier in our relationship if I would have stayed. We have been together since 2001. Good luck to you.

[BellaBellaBella]

Is it possible that he did this out of some kind of Macho thing due to psychological effects of having cancer.

 

I don't believe the cheating was right, however with such a long relationship would you consider counseling?

 

I do believe you deserve better treatment. He was in the wrong. But do you want to throw out the baby with the bath water?

 

Leave him a message not to come by work and to meet you at a time you chose. To have this out.

[soulless]

yanchic : I am so glad you wrote to me.I am sorry you went through the same thing. I hope you will manage to work on it, and be able to put it behind you. I can't believe this happened to you too .Most ppl tell me to just leave him, but I can't just leave him after what we've been through. He doesn't know that though. I stood my grounds and told him you burned all bridges, and that you lost me. I am trying hard to stick to that for now.

 

On Wed, he started texting me , and the texts kept coming round the clock until Today. He tells me I should give him credit for his honesty;that he didnt cheat;that he did something horrible; and he knows it, but it s not a crime. he told me I would never cheat on you. you are my everything....... I was stupid and I enjoyed her attention. she wasn't pretty. you know I got turned on on the beach there, but I consider myself a decent man for not acting on instinct. if I wanted to I would've done it. He told me he thought about breaking up before going and just living it up, since he is on a ticking time bomb, according to him, but he really isn't . The doctors said if he can make it till April, then he should be safe. He says he tried to leave me, but he couldn't do it. He loves me too much. He thought I deserved better than a cancer victim, but he couldn't let me go. He said there was a lot of flirting with alot of girls, but he wasn't looking for sex. He could've had, but he thought of me, and he decided he wasn't going to blow everything away. He was just having fun.

He's been texting me these things for days now, but I was so devastated, and I told him how much he hurt me. I told him I can't be with you. but he says he would do anything to fix it, and that I should give him credit for his honesty, and the email he wrote me. He wants me to give him a chance to talk about it, but I can't do that. I can't get myself to sit down and discuss it when he comes back. I am afraid I will be too emotional and just forgive him too easily.

 

Still, we texted our hearts out. i told him how he lied to me and kept giving me excuses for his lack of communication, and he said he wanted to tell me after he came back about the flirting, because it was wrong to say it then. Anyway, he is coming back this week from his parents place. He went to visit them oversees on Monday. He wants me to go to the airport, but I can't do that. I can't be around him.

The only person that I have told to here is my co-worker, and she said I was blowing things out of proportion. I am so confused. Its so hard on me. I've seen him suffer, so I don't wish him any harm. I just need to protect myself from him, but he tells me he didn't betray me, and that he was honest enough to tell me he messed up, but he never slept with anyone, but I dunno if I can ever believe that.When I asked him last Sunday how many girls did he flirt with his answer was: "alot...ALOT!". I don't want to be weak. He keeps texting me how sorry he is for the pain he caused me, and the anxiety. He says he deserved a vacation after all what he went through, and I keep saying you didn't have to go to girls gone wild! He says he is sorry. I told him its too late, and that I don't hate him, but I just cant be with him.

He won't give up.

I will try to avoid him because I have strong feelings for him , and I don't want to be weak.

Am I getting weak, or is my coworker right????

[soulless]

Yanchic, nevertheless, we really do have a lot in common, and I just want to let you know I understand what you went through. You are a wonderful person, and you should be proud of yourself for putting your family first.

but as for my bf, I am not sure if it is the cancer really, or is it his excuse. I am glad you were brave enough to stay with him, and to keep your family united, but I also understand how it must be hard for you to keep thinking about what he did. You must know how hard it is to leave him, especially when I was going to lose him to cancer, and then he comes around and he leaves me anyway, and replaces me with less attractive, easy girls. Isn't it just cruel? But he thinks he s the one that suffered. He doesnt know that I suffered as much as he did emotionally when he was having treatments. Don't you think cancer makes you stronger, even as a caregiver? You must know what I mean. You see life in a different light don't you after this experience? you priorities shift. And he was my priority, and my love.

What I can not understand is the irony of things, he has cancer, and his life is at stake, and I desperately try to revive him, and when he is healthy again, he comes and takes away all my dreams. I am so devastated, I can't stop crying. You must feel how it is not a regular cheating situation. Its crazy. Its the ultimate betrayal of trust and the breakage of a bond. But you are a strong person, and a brave one, and that is why you should be proud of your decision. I wish I can do the same, but the pain is just too strong right now. I am like you in many ways, and I am not sure what to do now, but I will take your advice,and maybe one day, I might be able to work on it. Right now, I just cannot understand how he could do this ? He says he didn't do it, but I feel he is hiding something. I would never have the heart to do it to him, and if I ever have cancer, I would never want him near me right now.

All I can say is that cancer is cruel.

I wish you all the best as well. I am glad its working out for you.

[Am4Real]

 

I will try to avoid him because I have strong feelings for him , and I don't want to be weak.

Am I getting weak, or is my coworker right????

 

Dear Soulless,

 

I do not think you’re weak, you are definitely being challenged by emotions and reminiscing of the past while starkly being reminded of what brought you to this point. You have a pot full of emotions and one in quick need of a lid.

 

Let me say this to you. You must first decide on what you really want and I mean really want. If you cannot forgive this person then you probably already know your answer; if you believe he is lying or whatever else you are in doubt with, a decision must be made before communications of any sorts continue. Otherwise you will find yourself at a challenging point again and perhaps will be talked into something you may regret or have not given ample thought with regards for whatever terms you must have in place in order to go forward.

 

If you make a decision to go forward and revisit the relationship you must cease electronic communications, especially the ridiculousness of texting. I’m sure you realize how many misunderstandings and one-liner insults or whatever, are hurled from phone to phone in any emotional situation. If YOU want serious results start with serious human-to-human communications.

 

Best wishes.

Edited September 20, 2010 by Am4Real

[yanchic]

Soulless, I agree that you are not weak! You are being very strong by standing your ground. You know deep down inside that your boyfriend has not told you the entire truth. My gut (which I do not ignore - if I did, I would have not caught my husband) tells me what I am sure you already know, which is that he did in fact cheat on you. He is not telling you the entire truth because, duh, he still loves you and doesn't want you to know! I have learned a few things from my psychologist. I know that the majority of women cheat for emotional needs while the majority of men cheat because they crave variety and/or are not getting enough satisfaction from their current spouse/significant other. This means that I think that once a cheater is not always going to be a cheater! I think that he needs to confess (good luck with that!!) and you both need to start over (provided you can emotionally get over it). He needs to know that this is completely unacceptable and if it ever happens or is untruthful with you in any way, you are history. He also needs to build your trust in him again which can be long and tedious. I still have setbacks with my husband. I get through them, and he is learning to be patient with me during them. I think that you really need a heart to heart with him, if in fact you do want to try to make it work. He says he still loves you, well then he needs to prove it and prove it in a huge way! But first he needs to come clean, and maybe he could be prodded into coming clean if you tell him that you still love him and in fact will STAY with him even if he cheated. If there is not complete honesty, your relationship will never work because you will never believe anything he says or does when in question. I know that I cannot live that way. I made my husband tell his mother, which was very traumatic for him, because I told him that I needed someone to confide in that wants us to stay together. We also renewed our vows, which was hugely emotional. This does not mean we are all good now. I broke down a few days ago before sex. I can and will get over it, though, because I will not let it consume me. I am a strong person and need no pity. I used to think that a woman who stayed with a man who cheated was weak - well I was never in her shoes - now I know that it is tougher to stay. I do it though because I do in fact love him with all my heart and think that we can rebuild and make our connection stronger. If your boyfriend does confess completely, allow yourself the release of emotion and don't feel bad for it. You need to get through the anger/sadness before you can recover.

[yanchic]

And I can't believe I googled to find there was someone else who is going through the same stuff as me!! I mean, whew! What a crazy world, and what a ****ty year. I just want to thank you for posting. On the cancer note, you are right that the caretaker goes through all the emotions as the patient. The nurses keep asking my husband where I am b/c I haven't been to any of his check ups recently. They say they are missing me I too find it hard to believe that this happened after all we have been through, which I thought made us even closer than before. I thought many times how I wish it was me laying there in the hospital bed instead of him. I thought cancer sucked until this happened, and now this sucks even more. I am coping, and you will too. It's just kind of nice (in a sucky way) that someone else feels my pain.