i supported him through cancer, he went on vacation and cheated!!!

[soulless]

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were teenagers. Its been almost 10 years now. We were in love and about to get married, even though we came from different backgrounds, and our parents were not too happy with us dating because of the cultural differences. We stuck by each other know matter what. In July 2008, he was diagnosed with cancer. I supported him through the treatment. he was cured for a few months, then it came back in March 2009. Again, I stuck by him and I supported him, and stopped my work to be with him, and failed my university classes because i had to stay with him at the hospital day and night, because he had noone with him. he got cured one more time, but the cancer comes back again in Spring 2010, and this time he had to stay 3 months living at the hospital. I was terrified I was losing my love, and I stayed with him, and supported him every minute of the day. There was nights were I had to wake him up every ten mins all night for him to take his meds. and I did that. I would not sleep. I was with him through it all, and when the doctors thought they might need a kidney transplant , I signed up to be the donor, and when the doctors wanted bone marrow, I told them I will happily let them drill my hipbones so that they can extract my bone marrow and donate it to him. I would have given him my life if I could. I loved him so much and I was so desperate for him to live even though the doctors gave him 50% survival rate.

Now two months after he finished his third treatment, I started working again, and his parents decided to send him to Greece for a vacation for him to relax. i couldn't make it because of work, so he went with his best friend who is single, who also saw how i supported him and knew how much I love him.

I begged him not to go to Europe, because it made me feel uneasy, and I knew everyone goes there to the beaches to have sex with strangers, but he couldn't wait to go, claiming he needs to relax after all the cancer treatments.

He went to topless beaches and decided to cheat on me with all kinds of women. his best friend, who I thought was a friend of mine, covered up for him.

I believe its the cancer, and his fear of his life ending short and not living it up made him cheat on me. He cheated to feel like he is having a great life. he thought I would never know.

nevertheless, He did cheat on me. after all the unconditional love, and support, and all the things we have been through. He goes and cheats on me.

I am totally devastated. I feel its just too cruel... when u love someone its hard to break up.. but when u love someone, and he has cancer, and u want him to live so bad, and u do everything possible for him to be healthy again, and u sacrifice everything, and at the end he thanks u by ****ing other girls in Europe, then its not just bad, its indescribable pain.

what do i do ?

Edited September 14, 2010 by soulless

[AlwaysConflicted]

This is a difficult situation.

 

Since you do not have cancer it's impossible for you to imagine what is going through his mind. Therefore, while his cheating is unacceptable and disrespectful towards you...the rules and order of life go out the window when you think you are going to die.

 

Now. That being said, you are a great and caring person who deserves the most from the world. And you certainly do not deserve a cheating boyfriend.

 

So, the answer is that you end the relationship. Cancer or not, all humans whether they be sick or healthy deserve the same amount of respect and compassion.

 

I for one admire that you stood by his side in sickness and in health.

[Am4Real]

Dear Soulless,

 

AlwaysConflicted is offering you with good insight in the post. You deserve respect and dignity and perhaps, yes perhaps, your EX is feeling life is over and this person has selfishly taken some “present day life” from you. Unlike your EX your current negative feelings can be reversed and you can go on to a healthy new beginning in good time.

 

There are several ways to move on from here, however as AlwaysConflicted pointed out, your case offers extraordinary circumstance from the regular. Can you tell us a little bit about how you found out of the events in Europe and how your EX reacted to your knowledge?

 

Did he for example explain it, dismiss it, act indifferent, etc? There are no plausible excuses just to be clear, it only helps us understand how or if the current “terminal condition” may have played a role in his decision-to-cheat process rather than what might be you providing him with an excuse to help manage your own grief.

 

Keep us posted.

[soulless]

thank you both for your support and kind words. I appreciate it since I have not had the courage to tell anyone close what happened . My pride is just gonna kill me. The way I found out about his cheating was a surprise too. When he went to Europe, I was feeling really uneasy, and it was his attitude, and he kept tryin to tease me and make me jealous by tellin me there will be topless women. When he arrived there he wouldn't even tell me the name of the hotel. He said it was a cheap one and he didn't know the name. The second night he had changed to another one, and called me on skype to tell me he s havin an amazon time, that he misses me, and that it was great there. Also that his battery was dyin . These few sentences made up the restod the future conversations that we would have. I would also be cut off abruptly. He would tell me he s bar hoppin to help his best friend find a girl. He would call me every day for a few min, but he would be in control of the callin. He wouldn't answer me when I called . Apparently Internet is really weak in Europe or his friend was sleepin. Then one night he tells me is it k if he chats with girls because he s the wingman for his friend, andhe wanted to help him pick up girls. I said no. Be polite but stay away. I explained that I personally did not care if his friend got laid or not. He kept defendin the idea. Next day, he would tell me about the things he was about to do, of course accordin to him no girls were involved. Then for the next 4 days hes stopped contactin me all together. I started gettin anxiety attacks and told him I knew he was cheatin . He got defensive and told me I was crazy. This kept goin on for awhile. Until when his friend had to catch an early plane. I said I knew everythin and that his friend was gonna tell me. He said I actually have a few things to tell u. I chatted andflirted with girls. I went on boat rides with them, and I went clubbin and I invited them for drinks. But I never slept with any or laid hands on any. Of course the story kept changin.

I asked him one last time, for the sake of all those years together leave me one shroud of dignity and tell me honestly what happened. His stories don't add up.

I found out he blocked his friend and the girl from facebook so they won't see him and add him. I tried to add his friend back and the friend sent a message to his facebook sayin what about the girls?

I m so sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten or slept well since Sunday. I just cry all day and feel like all my dreams chattered. He doesn't seem to care too much and think it's a big deal. He blames it on his canceranxiety. He is not in terminal condition now. He s doin good.

Itsthe ultimate betrayal for me. I wanna leave but what about him havin cancer? Is it even ethical? I have no respect for him now.

[TaraMaiden]

Cancer or no cancer, he has shown his true colours.

Walk, and find fulfilment with someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

Definitely no ethics involved in cheating.

At all.

 

Also....your're dropping 'g's off the ending of your words.

 

 

Please don't.

believe it or not (rightly or wrongly) it makes people take you less seriously.

I know, it sounds dumb, but there you go.

Take your time, hun, type your heart out, but don't abbreviate....it's off-putting. (it even looks as if your second post is by someone else.... so that raises suspicions....)

 

Go no contact and don't even tell him he's history. Cut him off every which way, and keep him wondering what on earth has happened....

If he has a scrap of dignity left, he will guess, anyway.

Really. Go your own way.

He's obviously gone his, without a backward glance......

[Am4Real]

 

(it even looks as if your second post is by someone else.... so that raises suspicions....)

 

 

I'm with you on that one...

[TaraMaiden]

completely dissimilar, aren't they?

 

OP, what kind of cancer does he have?

Exposure to strong sunlight after chemo and bone-marrow treatment is highly discouraged, for at least a year. His doctors would have told him this, as part of his follow-up treatment.

 

Flying also carries risks, so I'm puzzled that going abroad, to a hot European country was viewed as acceptable.....

[soulless]

Wow! I am shocked that my typing was more important to you than the actual issue. Yes, I typed it fast, but I did it off my iphone, and it s hard to type there, and the fact that you would doubt my story is a little insulting to me. Anyway, your advice would not be necessary at this point. Please do not contact me on this thread anymore.

Maybe you have lost all your trust in people and that is why you doubt me. Anyway, your input is no longer necessary.

 

But for everyone's info its testicular cancer, removal of a testes was done, then it spread to his lungs, then it spread to the spine. That is why he had three chemo treatments.

Because he did not receive radiation he was able to travel to the beach. It was two months after he finished treatment, and therefore his skin was not very sensitive after chemo.

[skydiveaddict]

You deserve better than him. Cancer or not. How could he even think of doing that to you after sticking by his side through the worst time of his life.

[Thorgs]

You deserve better than him. Cancer or not. How could he even think of doing that to you after sticking by his side through the worst time of his life.

x2. Cancer or not. Cancer does not mean you just stop loving the person you are with and treat people who love you like garbage. You are better off w/o him. Let him lead a lonely life while you go out there and live life to the fullest

[ohno89]

x2. Cancer or not. Cancer does not mean you just stop loving the person you are with and treat people who love you like garbage. You are better off w/o him. Let him lead a lonely life while you go out there and live life to the fullest

 

I agree. The fact that you stuck by him through all that time, it should've had the reverse effect on him, that he was lucky enough - not only to have survived it - but to have someone like you by his side. And even if he did feel he wanted to "live his life to the fullest" or whatever, he did NOT have to cheat on you. There is absolutely no excuses for when people cheat. He could've atleast told you he wanted out or wanted to be single or whatever the case may be. Hmm.. I know everybody is different but personally if I were him, I would rather know that - if there were a chance things didn't work out for me - I'd be happy knowing I loved and was loved by someone that cared for me that much as opposed to wanting to sleep with as many people as possible.

 

I hope you're doing okay. x

[soulless]

you know i am trying to be brave and to leave him. and I will leave him, but should I stay civil with him? Also I decided to be the bigger person, and not take revenge on him. I don't want to even tell others, because if ever his life ends too short, I don't want to be the person that made him lose everyone's respect. I also think my pride is hurting, and I don't want people's pity.

What I don't understand is how could he do that to me. I am a good looking person. I have a nice figure, I have a bachelor's degree, and I got along with his mom even though she was hard on me at first. I won her over. He cheated on me with a very skinny, short, curly haired 20 years old. Nothing special. Just an average girl, and the rest I don't know how they look like. I mean I would assume he would cheat on me with a girl who is hotter than me. This guy was downgrading. I gave him everything. Love, support, attention, sex. Everything.

I am devastated.

[soulless]

and by the way, he is still on vacation, and I have not contacted him at all since Sunday. I am not planning on doing so, but I am afraid he will try to catch me at work. I work as a cosmetician and he can pass by anytime if he wishes.

[skydiveaddict]

Look, you don't owe him anything. If he comes into your work, politely tell him to leave and not bother you.

If he wants to treat you the way he has been then ok. Just let him know it doesn't come without consequences,

[soulless]

k I will keep all your advice in my head, and I will stay strong. This has been really devastating for me. Its like something died in me. Its just too cruel what he did. I understand from what you are telling me that the cancer anxiety is just an excuse?

I have sacrificed so much for this guy. I have spent all my days next to him that I was unable to hold a stable job properly, and by the time I got my bachelor after all the failing because of the hospital stays, I end up not finding a proper job. I end up as a cosmetician getting paid min wage and spending it on him too.

I feel like an idiot

[soulless]

when he was having treatments, he was going through severe depression, and sometimes when i would walk in the room, he would start crying, telling me i am the only thing that keeps him alive, because he had contemplated suicide.

i cant relate that person at the hospital to this guy. I think it messed me up too bad, i cant be with anyone ever again.

[stopthemadness]

First ,sorry your friend has cancer. You have every right to be devastated!OMG what he was wrong on so many levels. Cheating is cheating sick or not. I to went through some medical stuff this last year. And my boyfriend of 8 years (off and on) decided to pick that time to tell me he "wanted to just be friends". I went through my medical stuff alone, Me and my kids. And now i am alone (single) and am fine with that. What dosent kill you makes you stronger. Am sorry but this guys a jerk sick or not.And no he didnt appreciate what you did for him. Tell him you want to just be friends. He'll be fine. And then just be his friend. I was fine and I wasnt cheating..

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sorry that he did this, but having survived cancer myself I can sort of see why he may have done it.

 

When you get the 'all clear' you find yourself with this absolute drive to live with a capital L and do things in life you may not have considered doing before you realized just how fragile life can be and how easily it can slip away from you.

 

I don't think he went out maliciously thinking "I'm going to cheat" - I think he probably went out thinking "I'm going to live like there's no tomorrow" and did/said things that he probably wouldn't have dared to before: hitting on girls, re-establishing himself as 'guy' and not 'guy with cancer' - cancer can really render you feeling sexless, like people look at you and automatically put a big red X over you because you are 'sick'.

 

I mean, c'mon - who is going to hit on a cancer patient? Now that he is not a cancer patient, he is jumping back into life as a fully sexually realized man again. Not that he didn't appreciate what you did: but right now, he likely associates you with the 'cancer days' much like I associated my exH with my own 'cancer days' (he was my primary caretaker when I couldn't care for myself - my bf at the time dumped me just before chemo, and thankfully exH and I were still close enough for him to help me in those intimate ways).

 

I don't think he is consciously trying to hurt you so much as he is trying to escape the 'cancer days' and all things associated with it. He knows you love him - you saw him at a time where he was at his lowest, and he probably wants to prove to himself that he is still "here" so to speak with women in general and not just as "cancer guy".

 

I went through something similar when I got my 'all clear'. Eventually I came back down into regular life, but for a while all you want to do is fiercely LIVE. I don't know if it is instinct for people who nearly die, but you do hear about stuff like that pretty often.

 

There is so much that changes on an emotional and intellectual level for a cancer survivor - sometimes it can be downright profound and life changing. He has been though something that you can never really know or understand, and certainly nothing he would be able to clearly articulate.

 

That said, cheating was pretty low - everything I said above is not justifying any cheating, just some insight into his general behavior.

 

I would encourage you to talk to him but I can tell you this: at this point while he is in this 'mode' he may not be too receptive and may be defensive more so than the average guy who gets caught.

 

You can get in touch with the American Cancer Society (or a similar group depending on where you live) and ask to talk to a counselor who specializes on talking to family, etc. of people who have had cancer. It might help a great deal. You aren't dealing with just a regular situation of cheating - there is a lot more going on, and talking to an objective party might be a good idea.

Edited September 15, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[ShannonMI]

k I will keep all your advice in my head, and I will stay strong. This has been really devastating for me. Its like something died in me. Its just too cruel what he did. I understand from what you are telling me that the cancer anxiety is just an excuse?

I have sacrificed so much for this guy. I have spent all my days next to him that I was unable to hold a stable job properly, and by the time I got my bachelor after all the failing because of the hospital stays, I end up not finding a proper job. I end up as a cosmetician getting paid min wage and spending it on him too.

I feel like an idiot

You are NOT an idiot. It is very disturbing to me that this man would cheat and throw away a relationship with you after all you did for him. Yes, he had cancer and he may want to experience as much as possible while he's still on this earth, but banging a bunch of women should not be on his bucket list. I guess if it is, then he should end it with you first and then go out and do what he needs to do before he dies. This is horrible. How incredibly disrespectful after all you've done for him. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just know that you are an AMAZING person. For you to stick by him while he was so sick was incredible of you. He should be kissing your feet. You've been with him through thick and thin and he should appreciate it. Calling you while he's on vacation and telling you he's flirting with women and he's on a topless beach is so rude. I can't believe how stupid some men are (sorry to any men reading this). Don't talk to this man ever again. He made a HUGE mistake and he will be sorry. Just be strong when he comes around asking you for forgiveness because I'm sure he will. Don't do it!

Edited September 15, 2010 by ShannonMI

[skydiveaddict]

I think it messed me up too bad, i cant be with anyone ever again.

 

 

 

Oh stop it. You're starting to sound like me. (not a good thing). There is someone out there for you.

[ShannonMI]

Oh stop it. You're starting to sound like me. (not a good thing). There is someone out there for you.

You've said this same thing to me: "someone is out there for you." Now why don't you think there is someone out there for YOU, skydiver?

[skydiveaddict]

You've said this same thing to me: "someone is out there for you." Now why don't you think there is someone out there for YOU, skydiver?

 

 

Cause it's way, way too late for me. My last girl was my last shot. There's just somethings you know in your soul. Way down deep.

Edited September 15, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[ShannonMI]

Cause it's way, way too late for me. My last girl was my last shot. There's just somethings you know in your soul. Way down deep.

What, are you 80? It's never too late is it? I bet when you least expect it a nice woman will fall into your lap. At least I hope that happens for you:)

[skydiveaddict]

What, are you 80? It's never too late is it? I bet when you least expect it a nice woman will fall into your lap. At least I hope that happens for you:)

 

 

 

Lol , I'm not 80 yet, and thanks for the kind words. Although, I met an elderly gent skydiving last weekend. 79 yrs young! Still skydiving , amazing.

Edited September 15, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[ShannonMI]

Lol , I'm not 80 yet, and thanks for the kind words. Although, I met an elderly gent skydiving last weekend. 79 yrs young! Still skydiving , amazing.

Yea 79 is def. up there. It is amazing he's still skydiving. Isn't he afraid he'll have a heart attack while he's falling? Scary:confused: