AlmostLover Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Here’s my situation: Have been dating my current GF for 4 months. I am falling in love with her. She is already visibly in love with me, and is pretty much waiting for me to say the L word first, at which point she will instantly say it back (a friend of hers confirmed this). Problem: I’ve lied to her throughout the entirety of our relationship from start to finish. I exaggerated my sexual past, because I knew hers was quite extensive (she’s had sex with 10, including me, and has messed around with ~30). In reality, I’ve had sex with one other woman (the girl immediately preceding my current gf) and drunkenly gave and received oral with one more girl. That’s it (not including lots of stupid makeouts, but those don’t amount to anything). I’ve never even orgasmed from sex, except with her (the previous girl and I only had actual sex a couple times, briefly). It’s eating me up inside that she isn’t aware of this imbalance. I lied to her initially to seem cooler and more “her type,” and IT WORKED. I got the girl. Now, I’m afraid that if I come clean, it will mean two things to her that will cause her to breakup with me: 1. I very seriously lied to her 2. That lie means we’re actually very unbalanced in terms of sexual history, since I’m practically a virgin. I DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, want to be with any other girl in the world but her. This is NOT a case of me wishing I had a past like hers and feeling the desire to mess around with random girls. I don’t need space. If she breaks up with me, I will suck it up and eventually move on, but it will devastate me. I really do love her and want to be with her forever. ADVICE?
Billie The Puppet Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 The lie eating you up that bad? I mean you lied about sex and you are a man who hasn't?
Author AlmostLover Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 I just really feel like I need to tell her also because, AT TIMES, the imbalance does cause me some pain. I wouldn't call it "retroactive jealousy" or whatever because I'm not really jealous of those guys. She didn't care about any of them (never said the L word yet to anyone). It's more just a disappointment in her that she acted so promiscuously and an occasional worry about what that means about her inner character/personality/etc. Like it just makes me upset that I was so much smarter and better than her about certain things (she readily admits that every instance was a mistake that she regrets, most were drunk, etc. she wishes we were both virgins)
Billie The Puppet Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Being honest is the sex you have now satisfying her and you? If so just omit bringing up any more sexual past. If you worried she is comparing you to a past partner it will chase her away anyhow as it's an insecurity. You shouldn't worry about the past.
Author AlmostLover Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Absolutely. Well, I'm not at all hurt by it from an insecure perspective. I know I'm the freakin' best at freakin' Like I said, the imbalance makes me wonder more about her character, that's all. She thinks we're on the same page, but we're not. I made smarter decisions than her. I almost think that if she knew the truth, she'd break up with me "for my benefit" because she's not "worthy of me." I can pretty much hear her saying those words.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Don't worry about the imbalance and keep moving on, One thing I have learned is to never inquire about past sexual experience what so ever, obviously you are past that point and have created a "white" lie to elevate your status to her level. Trust me you living in the present not the past so just live as is. I'm an honest guy by nature and I can admit I even lied about sexual history in my past and just never brought it up any further. Once the relationship got really sexual none of that mattered anyway. You have two options: Tell Her and if so the sooner the better or Never bring it up again.
spiderowl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I'm finding it hard to figure out what's really bothering you. I can see you don't want to pretend to be something you're not (even though you consider you're better than the person you've portrayed). It seems reasonable to want a 'clean slate' with someone you love. There is also a worry about her promiscuity. Are you wondering if she might treat love a little more casually than you would or that she might revert to her old ways without warning? I wonder if what you want to get across to her is that you are a stable person who is taking this seriously and can be relied upon and you want to know if you can trust her to be the same? I guess this is an issue that arises in some measure in almost any relationship when it starts to get serious. Is the other person taking this as seriously as me? Are they as committed? I don't somehow think you'll feel reassured until you do talk to her about this. I suspect that will be a very important indicator to you as to whether you think it will work with her or not. I expect you already know that you shouldn't imply in any way that you or your decisions were better than hers. From the sound of it, she knows she wasn't very wise, but she must have been looking for some comfort. She's been honest which is a sign of self-awareness and a desire to relate to you. She could have lied but didn't. Really, although the signs that she's genuine are good, only she can reassure you about her motivations and understanding of her previous actions. If you do talk to her about it, I hope it works out well. It does sound like you have a loving relationship as a foundation for the future.
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