Broke up 3 weeks ago

[Sheppy99]

So me and my ex started dating earlier this year and we work together too (I know very dumb mistake on my part cause it's making this sooo much harder) I'm 28 and she's 24. We got along great and had amazing times together and probably the most fun I've ever had with a girl that I've dated. Now quickly to the problems. She still loves her party life and was going away every other weekend to party with friends which was fine with me at first but it started to weigh on me towards the end of the summer cause she'd get back on sunday bee too tired to do anything and then for the rest of the week she'd be all blah cause she'd still be getting over her weekend bash. So it didn't make me feel that great, made me feel like I was getting the poor end of the stick so to speak. So I guess it came out in other ways which caused small fights. So we were having small fights during the relationship towards the end quite a bit and I think it was due to my bitter feelings about her going away all the time.

 

The last weekend we were together we went away and had a blast and I really thought cause of that weekend it made us stronger. Unfortunately we got back and she did something that made me question her about, didn't want to fight just question. She went off the handle and thought I was trying to pick a fight which I didn't want too and that put us on a break. After a week of the break she came back from another festival and said that night that she wanted to make it work. The next day Monday at work we sat together and everything seemed fine. After work I said to her I'm glad we worked it out and are willing to give it another try, she completely 180'd on me and said actually I changed my mind, I need to be single. So cause I was so caught off guard I did the normal omg we can make it work blah blah. Until finally that was it. That was about 3 weeks ago.

 

10 days or so passed by of no contact and me trying to be strong I realized I had her stuff at my place so I sent her an email short and sweet "yeah i got your stuff, you want it mailed to you or dropped off to someone at our work?"

 

 

She sends me an email back "oh hi I just wanted you to know I still care about you and actually miss you a lot, I really hope we can be friends! You can do whatever you like with my stuff"

 

So of course I was caught off guard by the reply cause she said she wasn't into the relationship as much as me so I totally melted and was like yea we can be friends no problem. Than 3 days later I realized how much of a set back I was in my healing because of this, I felt like I was starting all over so I sent her a really polite email saying "listen i'm really sorry but I can't be friends with you, I still care about you a lot and its going to affect my process of moving on, hope you can understand that and take care"

 

she replied with some snide remarks and started picking at me until I said something that pissed her off and she replied with "It's not my fault the relationship meant more to you than it did to me"

 

So right there I just cut her off completely. Feeling bad later that night I emailed her apologizing for my side of the remarks and said they came from a bad place and I didn't mean them but to take care.

 

 

That weekend was her birthday and I dropped her stuff off at work and I threw in a birthday card with her stuff as a no hard feelings gesture. wasn't a mushy card at all. Just simple happy face and hope you have a great day.

 

So this was just this weekend that past. I get a call this morning from a mutual friend of ours and we literally only have one mutual friend. lol

 

He's like "hey can you pick me up this morning to go to work" and I'm like hmm that kind of odd he never asks me to pick him up. Also him and my ex NEVER hang out together and btw he's gay so theres none of that stuff going on between them lol.

 

So I'm like yea man whatever, no prob. I pick him up and first thing he asks me is what did you do this weekend? And I'm like frig I don't want to say nothing and look lame so I was like oh I went away for the weekend. And he's like "Oh I went to Jody's oops I mean Jenn's birthday party" (Totally messed up her name on purpose to look all non caring and is like "yeah she says she wants to be friends with you" And I'm just like yea that's not a good idea, If i'm seeing someone I can't expect them to be ok with me being friends with my ex. He's like oh that's cool.

 

 

The more I thought about it at work. It felt like a huge set up by her and him. Maybe not so much him but for her to invite him to her birthday party a person she never hangs with is odd. For him to ask me to pick him up for work the first time ever in the year I've known him, also odd.

 

 

I mean am I crazy for thinking this was a total set up on me? And if it was, what does it mean?

 

Sorry for being so long winded.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Sheppy99

[fabio10]

Hey man, sorry to hear your going through this and my situation to you is very similar. First of all defo smells like a set up with the gay friend quizing you, she maybe curious and thats the way you want to keep her let her hear the vibe that your fine and you are out having a good time even if you aint !

 

The same as you I tried to be honest with my girl after she broke up with me and kept contacting me that I just could not be simply friends even tho we were best friends for 3years prior to going out, and same as you I got snide remarks and she went abit mad giving out to me, I think they are all the same in the that regard, why it is so important to be friends is beyond me !

 

She should respect your wishes its all or nothing ! My girl was 23 and yours is 24 and I really am starting to think that women don't know what they want untill they pass the 25 mark I'm 27 so I can understand your point of view.

 

I know your hurting but obivously her partying was a red flag that she is not ready to commit and I know that sucks but hey it is her loss.Dont keep saying 'sorry' every time you upset her if you have limited contact be a MAN dont tip toe around her bro !

[lvixen]

Stop caring or wondering what it means. You're in the healing process right now and it's only going to weigh on your mind more than it should. It could mean something or it could just be completely innocent. Either way, it shouldn't matter to you.

 

Oh, and don't think you can be friends with her. Completely cut off ALL contact with her until you're completely over her. A lot of dumpers like to keep dumpees as "friends" for an ego boost, or to fall back on you in case another relationship doesn't work out, out of guilt, or even boredom. It is highly unlikely that the friendship card is genuine, anything but. Don't fall for that. Tell her either she takes all of you or nothing of you. Don't do what many of us have done (and have later learned from it).

 

Good luck to you during your healing process.

[Sheppy99]

Thanks Fabio10 and lvixen for the great advice!

 

When the gay friend I drove to work asked me what I did this weekend I knew the info would get back to her so I made something up that I went away and didn't really say where or with who. Just left it at that and when he said "Yeah she says she really would like to be friends with you" I Just kinda said yea bad idea cause I don't want to go backwards right now and it would be totally unfair to a new person I'm dating to say "Hey btw i'm friends with my ex" and he was like oh yeah that's totally understandable man.

 

I think what it is Fabio is we are the right guys for them, just not the right time. They want our attention and as Lvixen said (fall back plan) for when they are "done" with their partying lifestyle. So they try to string us along with the friend card so when they are ready to settle down, hopefully we'll still be there. Well it don't work that way and anybody with an ounce of self respect would not do that and I'm starting to come to the conclusion that that's what she is doing. It's like "oh frig he was great to me I don't want to lose him but I also want to be able to do whatever i want whenever I want"

 

I think the relationship was just too intense for her. She called me "clingy" which made me laugh. I was like what clingy bf would be ok with you going away every other weekend to party and not needing a message every 5 minutes when you were gone cause I certainly didn't. Clingy to her is a real relationship I think.

 

What's strange is she seems to be getting more and more ummm curious with the no contact? I almost wonder what she's going to do next and if she did weeks later break down and say "i made the wrong choice, I really want us back" Can I really be certain it's what she wants? That she's willing to give up at least SOME of her party lifestyle. I mean to me that wouldn't feel genuine. It would feel like her feelings of missing me would over power her and bring her to that decision than once she's comfortable again, we'd end up down the same road.

 

Lvixen is totally right and I need to stop over analyzing everything and focus on moving on. I just have this fear of the day I'd be 98 percent moved on and she would come back saying all the words I'd want to hear to get back together.

 

I'm happy with my life as it is now though. I've gone back to school finally. I'm going to the gym everyday now and getting myself back into shape and I feel really good about where I am.

 

I just miss her soo much sometimes and wish I knew her deal. lol

 

Anyways thanks so much guys and good luck fabio10 with your situation. You sound like a good guy too. Seems like we're always the ones who end up in these predicaments.

[Sheppy99]

What else I find kind of funny about our relationship is our relationship went downhill quickly after I told her I was starting to fall for her.

 

Can you say girl with commitment issues? lol.

 

I must of been crazy to think saying something like that would make us stronger and more comfortable. lol

[lvixen]

You're doing the right things. Keeping busy is excellent during NC. And yes, it does sound like she has possible commitment issues.

[fabio10]

Sheppy I know what your saying man totally about timing I think alot of it in life is timing, my girl said all sorts of emotional stuff like your the 'one' , I want to marry you, your perfect, etc eventually I think she kind of scared herself, I never said anything along those lines apart from the fact I said 'I love you'. We are opposites in some respects she has gone from rship to rship and I've been a playa and always single untill her the only reason I went steady with her was cause she had been my best friend and had earned my respect through years of friendship.

 

You need to try and not let your mind go through hoops of 'what ifs' I know its hard , if the day comes and she does come back you need to make sure enough time has passed for her and you to have adequately changed.I have to confess Im still in the party lifestyle and so was my ex, I think what ticked her off alot was that I was not clingy enough ( the whole push-pull theory ) in hindsight I tend to avoid conflict and I thought hey if I let her party then she cant stop me !

 

At this moment in time bro you and I just need to be selfish and COMPLETELY FOCUS ON OURSELFS !

[whatadeer26]

My ex is turning 26 in about a month and still has these problems. She had a crappy relationship 3 years ago and her Dad just recently left her Mom. She doesn't trust any male at this moment.

 

She basically has gone crazy and can't see the good in anything. My ex and I recently tried again last week after 3 months of not speaking and I can tell you that was a huge mistake. What I got out of it is one of my best friends is now dating her friend and she is acting cold and distant toward me. I had changed but she didn't.

 

Just stay NC and you will be fine. Girls have a hard time expressing their true feeling vocally.

[Sheppy99]

I'm sorry to hear that after 3 months it hasn't gotten better with another shot. I'm really nervous about ending up in the same boat as you. I made a list of reasons she isn't the one for me and I came up with 25 reasons or so and most of them are pretty good.

 

If you don't mind me asking cause I'm curious if mine will follow the same path, who initiated the contact after the 3 months of NC? Was it her? Also what did she say to you about wanting to give it another go? Did she accept any faults on her behalf on the failure to the relationship? Reason I ask this is I wonder if she said all the right things and still fell into the same broken relationship with the words meaning not much at all or did you give her the benefit of the doubt that she learned from what she did and assumed cause I've done that before too. Cause I wanted the person back I convinced myself they realixed their mistakes.

 

My ex is starting to act really strange as the NC progresses, its almost like she's doing things to be like "Hey notice me" without sacrificing her dignity in her eyes cause she's a very proud person. I can only assume it will increase as I continue to ignore.

 

I'm just wondering if she will actually come to a realization of her issues and if she does, does it really mean anything?

 

Again I'd love to hear about your experience. Thanks!