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Posted

I've been the "dumpee" and it's a horrible feeling. It's all part of life though.

 

The ex just called and left me 16 voice messages going off and saying how he can't believe I'd do this. I'm just having a tough time. I sure hope it gets easier.

 

The only thing horrible would have been leading on a person and hiding your feelings. It took longer than it will next time around, I hope (if it ever happens again) and unfortunately a break up might be upon you one day as the DUMPEE that will have you ponder what went wrong.

 

For many of us who have been through relationships on both ends it’s a learning experience. You’re way ahead of the game by feeling for the other party but that feeling should not be guilt. Infidelity is guilt – honesty is not a guilty quality.

 

Make sense?

Posted
I've been the "dumpee" and it's a horrible feeling. It's all part of life though.

 

The ex just called and left me 16 voice messages going off and saying how he can't believe I'd do this. I'm just having a tough time. I sure hope it gets easier.

Oh lord! 16 messages?? Wow. He's in a lot of pain. I feel for him, but you did the right thing by not leading him on. Did you tell him you wanted to be friends with him at some point in the future? My ex said that to me. I tried to figure out what his intentions were with that. Was he keeping me as a back up plan in case he couldn't find someone else who was as good to him as I was? He also wanted vistitation of the dog we shared. I wondered about that as well. Using the dog to keep tabs on me? What is your take on that since you did what my ex did minus the cheating?

 

He kept insisting we could be friends, but I told him no. I can't just be friends with someone I still feel so much love for. It would only cause me more pain in the end. Now that I know he betrayed me, I will never have any sort of friendship with him. He knows this now. I sent him an email explaining how I felt about his betrayal and I told him never to contact me again. He hasn't which I am grateful for.

  • Author
Posted

I hope I did the right thing. It just feels soo complicated. I know he's in a lot of pain but if I was told to not contact someone, I wouldn't leave them 16 messages. Poor guy. I feel sorry for him. Really, really, sorry for him b/c he is a good person. That is what's heartbreaking.

 

I never told him we could be friends because I didn't want to lead him on to think that we could keep in contact like friends do and secondly, I don't know if I ever could be friends with him. Unike your ex, I couldn't lead someone on like that.

 

Right now I keep thinking of all of the memories we had and it's hard but I can't let memories and comfort keep me.

 

Oh lord! 16 messages?? Wow. He's in a lot of pain. I feel for him, but you did the right thing by not leading him on. Did you tell him you wanted to be friends with him at some point in the future? My ex said that to me. I tried to figure out what his intentions were with that. Was he keeping me as a back up plan in case he couldn't find someone else who was as good to him as I was? He also wanted vistitation of the dog we shared. I wondered about that as well. Using the dog to keep tabs on me? What is your take on that since you did what my ex did minus the cheating?

 

He kept insisting we could be friends, but I told him no. I can't just be friends with someone I still feel so much love for. It would only cause me more pain in the end. Now that I know he betrayed me, I will never have any sort of friendship with him. He knows this now. I sent him an email explaining how I felt about his betrayal and I told him never to contact me again. He hasn't which I am grateful for.

Posted
I hope I did the right thing. It just feels soo complicated. I know he's in a lot of pain but if I was told to not contact someone, I wouldn't leave them 16 messages. Poor guy. I feel sorry for him. Really, really, sorry for him b/c he is a good person. That is what's heartbreaking.

 

I never told him we could be friends because I didn't want to lead him on to think that we could keep in contact like friends do and secondly, I don't know if I ever could be friends with him. Unike your ex, I couldn't lead someone on like that.

 

Right now I keep thinking of all of the memories we had and it's hard but I can't let memories and comfort keep me.

Yes memories can't make up for what is lacking in the relationship. My ex and I had a lot of memories and we even went through some serious health scares together, but that wasn't enough to keep him around. There was even one such health scare with me that made him believe in God. After this paticular thing happened to me he had a new found view on spirtuality and a high power. He even has a necklace that he wears that is a symbol of what we went through together. Who knows if he still wears it, but he did up until he dumped me. So to me how can a relationship such as that be so disposable?

Posted
I hope I did the right thing. It just feels soo complicated. I know he's in a lot of pain but if I was told to not contact someone, I wouldn't leave them 16 messages. Poor guy. I feel sorry for him. Really, really, sorry for him b/c he is a good person. That is what's heartbreaking.

 

I never told him we could be friends because I didn't want to lead him on to think that we could keep in contact like friends do and secondly, I don't know if I ever could be friends with him. Unike your ex, I couldn't lead someone on like that.

 

Right now I keep thinking of all of the memories we had and it's hard but I can't let memories and comfort keep me.

 

Sweety, the only reason you went back to him was because you felt sorry for him and you pitied him. Really, if you were just honest with him and said that you didn't love but felt sorry for him, that would have been a strong enough slap in the face to wake him up.

 

Listen to S_G, you have to be honest. The only reason you expect any sympathy is because you don't want to come across as the bad guy in this, except you were, and you still are.

 

When you first had those feelings of contempt, you should have chosen that time to break up with him. Instead, you stayed in the relationship due to yourself being too " comfortable" with everything; and while you emotionally backed out, your ex invested all his emotions in.

 

You know, you are forgiven for being too selfish. That's human nature. But if you truly want to fix things, you start by leaving the ex the h-ll alone. Let him come to his senses move on. Don't give him any kind of false hope because that will really make you a b-tch.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh in my language, but once you leave someone they're entitled to seek their own happiness without you still attaching yourself to them like a string.

Posted
Sweety, the only reason you went back to him was because you felt sorry for him and you pitied him. Really, if you were just honest with him and said that you didn't love but felt sorry for him, that would have been a strong enough slap in the face to wake him up.

 

Listen to S_G, you have to be honest. The only reason you expect any sympathy is because you don't want to come across as the bad guy in this, except you were, and you still are.

 

When you first had those feelings of contempt, you should have chosen that time to break up with him. Instead, you stayed in the relationship due to yourself being too " comfortable" with everything; and while you emotionally backed out, your ex invested all his emotions in.

 

You know, you are forgiven for being too selfish. That's human nature. But if you truly want to fix things, you start by leaving the ex the h-ll alone. Let him come to his senses move on. Don't give him any kind of false hope because that will really make you a b-tch.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh in my language, but once you leave someone they're entitled to seek their own happiness without you still attaching yourself to them like a string.

 

These are the words I couldn't get out. It certainly does look like she got back out of pity and it caught up with her fast.

Posted

 

Right now I keep thinking of all of the memories we had and it's hard but I can't let memories and comfort keep me.

 

As I said the blemish was the visit he made and eventually “falling asleep on the couch”. For him it meant you were very open to the idea of revisiting the relationship and the long conversations you had further solidified that idea in his mind. You’ve learned much these past few days, especially what not to do and unfortunately it might be sometime before your EX comes to grasp with his emotions and understands how his “romantic ploy” was necessary for himself to feel comfortable with approaching you but if any stepping forward should have been made with “plain old contact”. The notes and boom boxes are best for the movies.

 

In a post break up I like to imagine as many situations as plausible and have a general course of action planned for each. That way I’m not caught off guard whether the DUMPER or the [highlight]DUMPEE[/highlight]. I wouldn’t dwell on these situations but ask yourself this and be honest…had your EX simply telephoned you without the attached dramatics would you have acted differently or more assertive in some way?

Posted
As I said the blemish was the visit he made and eventually “falling asleep on the couch”. For him it meant you were very open to the idea of revisiting the relationship and the long conversations you had further solidified that idea in his mind. You’ve learned much these past few days, especially what not to do and unfortunately it might be sometime before your EX comes to grasp with his emotions and understands how his “romantic ploy” was necessary for himself to feel comfortable with approaching you but if any stepping forward should have been made with “plain old contact”. The notes and boom boxes are best for the movies.

 

In a post break up I like to imagine as many situations as plausible and have a general course of action planned for each. That way I’m not caught off guard whether the DUMPER or the [highlight]DUMPEE[/highlight]. I wouldn’t dwell on these situations but ask yourself this and be honest…had your EX simply telephoned you without the attached dramatics would you have acted differently or more assertive in some way?

Yea I feel like your ex kind of layed it on thick with the boombox on the lawn and all that. What girl wouldn't fall for that? I sure the hell would even if I wasn't feeling it! The poor guy. He's gotta be feeling so much pain right now. He may be joining LS soon enough. Be on the lookout for his posts, girl!

Posted
As I said the blemish was the visit he made and eventually “falling asleep on the couch”. For him it meant you were very open to the idea of revisiting the relationship and the long conversations you had further solidified that idea in his mind. You’ve learned much these past few days, especially what not to do and unfortunately it might be sometime before your EX comes to grasp with his emotions and understands how his “romantic ploy” was necessary for himself to feel comfortable with approaching you but if any stepping forward should have been made with “plain old contact”. The notes and boom boxes are best for the movies.

 

In a post break up I like to imagine as many situations as plausible and have a general course of action planned for each. That way I’m not caught off guard whether the DUMPER or the [highlight]DUMPEE[/highlight]. I wouldn’t dwell on these situations but ask yourself this and be honest…had your EX simply telephoned you without the attached dramatics would you have acted differently or more assertive in some way?

 

I would imagine the OP would not have given the ex a second thought especially since she rebounded amazingly fast with the new guy.

 

Normally, a dumper would never look back unless they really start to regret having given up the relationship in the first place.

Posted (edited)
I would imagine the OP would not have given the ex a second thought especially since she rebounded amazingly fast with the new guy.

 

Normally, a dumper would never look back unless they really start to regret having given up the relationship in the first place.

 

 

She's not looking back. Like I said before, she feels guilty and is not willing to face it. But she doesn't have to with the new guy in her life. And I don't begrudge her that. But why not be truthful about it? That's what bugs me. Her posting here saying how bad she feels when that's not the case at all

Edited by skydiveaddict
Posted

Hey found this thread really interesting seeing things from both female perspectives 'Fallen' being the Dumper and 'Shannon' being a Dumpee.

 

First of all Fallen I appreciate you feeling down about your break up I feel for you and the guy in question, I disagree with you tho that his gesture towards you was a trap I think the guy was just trying to express his feelings to you, I made a romantic gesture to my ex and even tho we aint together Im glad I did, cause deep down I know I did all I could to show her what she meant to me and thus I go forward with no regrets! Is the guy still contacting you ? What did you mean when you said he was passive and wishy washy ?

 

Shannon I have read alot of your posts 8years I could not begin to imagine the strength you needed to muster to get through your situation,Im 27 just like your ex and I think in a way he is having an early midlife crisis! Don't lose faith in men you will find the right one!

Posted (edited)

I have skimmed this thread briefly so I hope nothing I say is a repeat. But to the OP and supporters that keep saying "your doing the right thing to not lead him on" I'm sorry (coming from a person in the exact situation your ex is in right now dumped in the same manner), you didn't do the RIGHT thing, you're doing the only option you have left. The RIGHT thing to do would have been to be honest with him in the first place, not stick around for "a couple years" feeling the way you did, not string him, and not tell yourself you feel sorry for him.

 

As skydiveaddict has mentioned, I really think you're feeling major guilt and unwilling to face them. No matter how you cut it, you just don't want to be the bad guy. You're searching for people here (most of which are heartbroken and the dumpees) to validate just that. Good luck. I briefly saw that you rebounded pretty quick (so did my ex). I don't know how quick is quick, but clearly you aren't feeling THAT bad for him nor do you care to hurt him any less if you're out looking for love somewhere else already.

 

I was your ex and in some ways still am, albeit a little further along so I'm not still sending out 16 messages. Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I just have no sympathy for this situation right now as it hits really close to home (you sound like my ex). But all i know is that if you're going to cut him loose, don't try and butter it up for him and give him false hope with your "guilt".

 

P.S.

"I think I'm over him, but not over the hurt I've inflicted on him."

I can't fathom this statement. You're broke up with someone who would clearly give you his all, obviously its going to hurt him. You make it sound like he's supposed to take it well.

Edited by rattled
Posted
Hey found this thread really interesting seeing things from both female perspectives 'Fallen' being the Dumper and 'Shannon' being a Dumpee.

 

First of all Fallen I appreciate you feeling down about your break up I feel for you and the guy in question, I disagree with you tho that his gesture towards you was a trap I think the guy was just trying to express his feelings to you, I made a romantic gesture to my ex and even tho we aint together Im glad I did, cause deep down I know I did all I could to show her what she meant to me and thus I go forward with no regrets! Is the guy still contacting you ? What did you mean when you said he was passive and wishy washy ?

 

Shannon I have read alot of your posts 8years I could not begin to imagine the strength you needed to muster to get through your situation,Im 27 just like your ex and I think in a way he is having an early midlife crisis! Don't lose faith in men you will find the right one!

Thanks Fabio. Hopefully I do find the right one. I'm not looking right now, though. I'm still in too much pain. I have had to really be strong through out this whole thing. It's been really difficult. I'm actually surprised I'm not in the looney bin! I have great friends and a therapist, so that helps. Also I've been reading some self help books to try to heal from this. It's helping, but I have a long way to go. The thing that is so hard is that this break up came out of the blue. I didn't expect it. So it was dumped on me like a ton of bricks and made me re-think the whole 8 years I was with my ex. It's going to take a long time to get over this.

Posted

Yes Shannon agree totally, like some people have shorter marriages than 8years and then suddenly that person is BANG gone you must be strong willed, is there any books you find very helpful ?

 

Im over the whole manic emotional stage from when my girl dumped me and I feel way better now, the worst thing is we were best friends for like 3years before we got together and I miss our friendship greatly part of me wishes we never got involved that way our friendship will still be intact.

 

I think your ex when the party begins to wind down he will more than likely turn his attentions back to you, do you think if that day comes will you be strong enough to ignore his advances?

Posted

I think your ex when the party begins to wind down he will more than likely turn his attentions back to you, do you think if that day comes will you be strong enough to ignore his advances?

 

 

Good advice Fabio10.

 

You should always have a subtle plan for a variety of scenarios regarding your EX; when/if contact is made you practically know what you want. Many times when an EX resurfaces the words or actions lend to confusion and reflection rather than an “end game” we are already comfortable with.

 

If Shannon for example has already thought through the possibilities and come to a conclusion then whatever contact is made will likely be handled swiftly and minimal disruption to one’s existing state of life.

 

All too often here in LS we read about the turmoil caused when an EX, especially the DUMPER has second thoughts, develops curiosities resulting from NC, or is looking for options, etc Rehearsing a response to these scenarios can be effective but detrimental if given too much attention and review. Bottom line: know what you really want before it happens!

Posted

I hope I will be strong enough to ignore his advances if he comes around. Who knows if he will. I wrote him an email telling him I knew about him cheating and how disappointed I was. I told him I never wanted him to contact me again in any way, shape or form. I told him he was dead to me. I don't know if he will respect that. He has so far. I sent it a few weeks ago.

 

Before I found out he cheated, I told him to tell me if he had a change of heart and wanted to rekindle what we had. Now he knows I don't feel that way. The thing with me ex is that he knows me so well and he knows what to say to me to make me fall back into what we had together. He was my rock, my everything and he knows that. It would be easy for him to come back into my life especially if I'm in a sad state and I don't have a new man in my life. After what he's done to me, I don't want him back. I know that, but I hope I can be strong if he does come around. I'm thinking he will be so sorry and regretful, but he will swollow it because he knows he did wrong and there is no fixing what we had. I don't think he will contact me, but who really knows.

 

Books that I've read are:

How to Survive the Loss Of a Love

It's a Breakup Not a Breakdown (this is geared more toward women)

It's a Breakup Because It's Broken (this one is for girls too)

Getting Past Your Breakup (this is what I'm reading right now and it's for everyone).

 

I've also ordered some books on betrayal, bitterness and how to forgive so you can move on and have healthy relationships. I ordered them a week ago. I don't remember the exact titles, but I will let you know.:)

Posted

 

 

Books that I've read are:

How to Survive the Loss Of a Love

It's a Breakup Not a Breakdown (this is geared more toward women)

It's a Breakup Because It's Broken (this one is for girls too)

Getting Past Your Breakup (this is what I'm reading right now and it's for everyone).

 

I've also ordered some books on betrayal, bitterness and how to forgive so you can move on and have healthy relationships. I ordered them a week ago. I don't remember the exact titles, but I will let you know.:)

 

Shannon,

 

No doubt the infidelity is an embarrassment and a moral issue for him. It’s a tough one to overcome and my thoughts are with you.

 

You’re doing a lot of reading…searching perhaps…is there a specific area or reasoning any of us can help you with. I remember once how lost I felt…it’s a definite hardship for the heart. It did pass in good time.

Posted
Shannon,

 

No doubt the infidelity is an embarrassment and a moral issue for him. It’s a tough one to overcome and my thoughts are with you.

 

You’re doing a lot of reading…searching perhaps…is there a specific area or reasoning any of us can help you with. I remember once how lost I felt…it’s a definite hardship for the heart. It did pass in good time.

One area I am trying to learn about is trusting people again. My ex was someone I trusted with my life. I didn't think he would do what he did. I was never one of those girls who had to always worry about her man. Wondering what he was up to and all that. My ex was always so faithful, or so I thought. Now going into any new relationships, I'm going to be a paranoid freak! How will I trust again and how do I overcome the bitterness I feel? That, right now, is what I'm dealing with. I feel so bitter. I know its normal to feel some anger and bitterness after a breakup especially if you were betrayed, but I don't want it to overtake me and stop me from having a good relationship in the future. How do you just leave the past in the past and move on with a open and trusting heart? It's not that easy, I'm sure.

Posted (edited)
One area I am trying to learn about is trusting people again. My ex was someone I trusted with my life. I didn't think he would do what he did. I was never one of those girls who had to always worry about her man. Wondering what he was up to and all that. My ex was always so faithful, or so I thought. Now going into any new relationships, I'm going to be a paranoid freak! How will I trust again and how do I overcome the bitterness I feel? That, right now, is what I'm dealing with. I feel so bitter. I know its normal to feel some anger and bitterness after a breakup especially if you were betrayed, but I don't want it to overtake me and stop me from having a good relationship in the future. How do you just leave the past in the past and move on with a open and trusting heart? It's not that easy, I'm sure.

 

Hi Shannon,

 

It’s not easy but it starts with accepting “he made the choice because of his character likely caused by immense insecurities” he did not make the choice because of you and your feelings.

 

It is likely he will be a habitual “cheater” and other women who follow you will experience the same.

 

Why? Because men who cheat (I am a man BTW) would love to express why they cheated to their partner if they thought it was out of spite for some specific reason or perhaps they could pinpoint an inadequacy in their partner that was not being addressed. Assuming that was not the case with you…he didn’t do that did he? He just cheated?

 

The truth of the matter is he probably had an opportunity “in the field” and it fulfilled an insecurity he had long hidden and never dealt with…I know my buddies and have seen this play out before. Insecurities in a man are hell. Some of us manage them in the sports world, some in the business world and some in the bedroom. Some use all three or a combination.

 

Whoever comes along next in your life you need not be paranoid but look for signs of insecurities and learn about how that individual deals with them; if he is of the type to confide in you and express himself, looking for assurances and directions, you likely have a keeper – a partner – an equal of sorts.

 

The problem is society often judges this type of men as less than equivalent forcing them (him) to deal with these challenges alone. Make the next one welcome – get down on his level -- you’ll understand what I'm saying when it happens. Believe me!!

Edited by Am4Real
missing words
Posted

Shannon that trust issue is the key I think to you fully moving on, and once you find it make sure you give it to the right guy maybe next time you'l make the guy work extra hard for it but if he wants you he will.

 

I really think from reading your story that your ex will someday come back and try it on with you, and I really hope that you will not give it to him after what he has put you through, you will come out of this a stronger person.

Posted

When we broke up (before I knew he cheated) he told me that he wanted to feel those intense "passionate" feelings that you feel in the beginning of a relationship forever. The butterflies and all that. He told me he thinks these feelings need to last through out the relationship. He doesn't accept the fact that relationships evolve over time. I told him that our relationship, after 8 years, had evolved into a deep love and committment for one another. At least I felt that way. He was looking for something more, I guess. That's why he cheated on me, I believe. And that is why he is dating the girl he cheated on me with. He is feeling those intense new feelings with her, no doubt and that is what he wanted in our relationship. In the beginning of our 8 years, we were crazy passionate and having sex all the time. We couldn't stand to be away from each other and the whole 9 yards. That's normal. Are those feeling meant to last? I've asked countless people and they say no. I even looked up some articles online about the phases of love and what I found was what I have believed all along. Love goes through phases and this is NOT a bad thing by any means. I even emailed these articles to my ex and he discounted them saying that not everyone's relationship changes. Whatever! I wonder if he will be in for a shock when the new giddy, intense feelings with this new girl ware off. Maybe these feelings will last for him and this new girl. Maybe their relationship will be the exception to the rule. He's a fool, if you ask me. I was the only long term relationship he's ever had, so he really has no experience with any other relationships of that magnitude. BTW all his other girlfriends cheated on him and I was the only one that didn't. Why would he do what he did to me?? UGH!!!

Posted
Shannon that trust issue is the key I think to you fully moving on, and once you find it make sure you give it to the right guy maybe next time you'l make the guy work extra hard for it but if he wants you he will.

 

I really think from reading your story that your ex will someday come back and try it on with you, and I really hope that you will not give it to him after what he has put you through, you will come out of this a stronger person.

 

Thank you again, Fabio. Yea I have to be honest, it would give me a bit of satistaction if my ex did try to come back to me. I would love to say "Well now, you've discovered the grass isn't that much greenier?" "Isn't that too bad a**hole!" Then I would tell him to f*ck off. I fantasize about this quite often. It would be the ultimate pay back. Hahahahaha!:D He's a bastard and I would love to have the upper hand in this. Right now, he's got the upper hand. I want him to feel some of the pain I've been feeling.

Posted

 

BTW all his other girlfriends cheated on him and I was the only one that didn't. Why would he do what he did to me?? UGH!!!

 

Shannon,

 

Read your quote above and then re-read my post if you will and also have the time; these "cheating" insecuirities are his and his way of dealing with the former life with those GF's. It got the better of him, he did not know or care to deal with them and passed them onto you like a STD.

 

Do not accept them, deflect them all, they are his and his alone. Stand proud. Get it?

Posted
Shannon,

 

Read your quote above and then re-read my post if you will and also have the time; these "cheating" insecuirities are his and his way of dealing with the former life with those GF's. It got the better of him, he did not know or care to deal with them and passed them onto you like a STD.

 

Do not accept them, deflect them all, they are his and his alone. Stand proud. Get it?

I get it, but why on earth would he cheat on the one girl that didnt cheat on him? He should have been soooooooooo thankful he found a girl that was true to him and loyal to him. He should have been thanking his lucky fu*king stars that he had a good girl who didn't stray in the 8 years she was with him. That is what I do not get. He knows the pain of betrayal, why subject me to it? He's an a**hole.:mad: He cheated because he wanted to feel those intense "new relationship" feelings again. He doesn't understand that love evolves and it can be a beautiful thing.

Posted
I get it, but why on earth would he cheat on the one girl that didnt cheat on him? He should have been soooooooooo thankful he found a girl that was true to him and loyal to him. He should have been thanking his lucky fu*king stars that he had a good girl who didn't stray in the 8 years she was with him. That is what I do not get. He knows the pain of betrayal, why subject me to it? He's an a**hole.:mad: He cheated because he wanted to feel those intense "new relationship" feelings again. He doesn't understand that love evolves and it can be a beautiful thing.

 

None of us can speak for him with any authority or undeniable understanding of his mindset…but it is a well known and studied behavioral trait of those that feel deprived or dispossessed often inflict similar actions/feelings on others as a means to counter their lessened feeling of worth.

 

Again, it has nothing to do with you. I really doubt he sat back and thought if I do “X” then Shannon will be gone….he did it because it’s the behavior he understands and it works within his insecurities.

 

It’s not a logical issue – it’s a psychological behavior.

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