How does this feel?

[FallenAngel84]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years on August 9th. It of course wasn't easy since we had been together so long, did alot together and have alot of history together. It was something I had thought about for a couple years because something just didn't seem right. I felt like I should feel more of a want to get married and more of a romantic love than a platonic love. We were so comfortable and inside, I was so bored. He is a great person, but I guess I just had a change of heart.

 

I started seeing someone else after we broke up. That relationship went very well from the get go. I felt things that I was missing in the 5 year relationship. I was happy.

 

Last week, I get a text message from the ex boyfriend telling me had something for me. He left me a 20 page letter and 6 envelopes full of little notes with different memories we had and reasons he loved me all folded up and stuffed into the envelopes. Of course reading those notes really hurt me and brought back all the hurt when I had finally gotten over it from before. I cried my eyes out and told myself it'd be okay.

 

Friday night, I couldn't stand it anymore and was sad after re-reading everything and wondered if I made a mistake. I felt so sorry for him and called him. He said he wanted to come over. He came over and we talked and went to dinner. We wound up talking until 2:30 and fell asleep on the couch. The next morning, he made me promise I wouldn't hurt him again. I told him I never wanted to hurt him. Of course, I failed, but it's honest. I never WANT to hurt or mean to hurt anyone.

 

We talked on the phone a bit on Saturday and I just realized all those negative feelings I had when I was with him were still there. He promised to change and would do anything for me to work on things, but my heart just isn't there anymore. Am I a horrible person?

 

Yesterday he called me again 3x and one of those conversations was a 4 hour long one. He wound up sobbing and telling me he was scared to hang up the phone because he didn't want that to be the last time we spoke. I told him I couldn't promise him anything and if I were to be with him, I want to be 110%... he told me he didn't care if I was 110% or not, he just wants to be with me. I feel so incredibly sad for him and it is killing me knowing I can't feel enough to be with him.

 

Today I sent him a pretty to the point email and told him I can't be with him and I think it's best if we don't have contact at this point. Honestly, when I think about him my heart breaks and I'm hoping I make the right decision and I keep hearing I am because this is what my heart is telling me. I'm always afraid of regret in life. While I don't feel regret now, I'm afraid I will later.

 

Any advice from anyone who has been in my shoes? It's been a mentally draining weekend. I think I'm over him, but not over the hurt I've inflicted on him.

Edited September 13, 2010 by FallenAngel84

[LoveTNT]

Wow, sigh, I always write my feelings in little papers and fold them up, I find them all over the place....

 

But anyhow, you're doing the right thing. Of course it's going to hurt you, he was your partner for 5 years.You are being honest. You can't tell what the future will bring, so being afraid that in the future you will regret it comes with the pain and sadness, but don't drown yourself in it. Know that you are letting him be free and he will be fine. It's better than leading him on, he will thank you one day. Know you are doing the right thing, you are being true to yourself and him. Hun it's going to hurt no matter what, but smile because it's the right choice, and things will clear up slowly and you'll grow from this. Keep that in mind, you will learn and grow from this...

[FallenAngel84]

Thank you for your nice words. I need to find comfort in what you said.

[Billie The Puppet]

I may be a little be biased cause I'm currently in his position but I don't understand when people can not justify why or how the feelings are not there any more. The it just doesn't feel right argument doesn't work with me because it doesn't answer anything. Why doesn't it feel right ? Can it be worked on? Are you willing to allow it to be worked on? Or are you just done?

 

It doesn't feel right really means I don't think you are the one for me.

 

Thing is you gave the first time 5 years but were thinking of splitting for years. Why did you not split the first time you thought of it. You instead invested more years into it thus you end up leading him on.

 

Then you go back on memories is kind of like going back because you pity him not for love. Basically you end up ****ing with his emotions.

 

I believe people fall out of love I just wish they'd be more honest about it. I also wish they never did those false second chances.

[FallenAngel84]

Something is missing. I never felt support from him and it felt like we were just going thru the motions rather than actually feeling them. That's how I felt.

 

I didn't act on this when I first felt it because I wanted to be sure and give it another try and see if it was something repairable.

 

I wish this were easy, but it's not. I feel it's best to cut ties if I can't give what he needs of me anymore.

[Billie The Puppet]

So it's one of those things that us guys should know not one of those things you can tell us because we should know it. If you told him like you just told me you would then think he is only doing it because you told him not because he generally wants to?

 

Cutting ties is best don't do the can we just be friends thing because that almost never works as intended.

[FallenAngel84]

I'm not sure of your wording, but I feel I did what was right and it's better to not lead him on anymore b/c that would be the wrong thing to do if I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere.

 

I'd never say I wanted to be friends because that's making another almost promise and I wouldn't want to fail again.

[Billie The Puppet]

You are doing the right thing, the only mistake was going back.

[ShannonMI]

Something is missing. I never felt support from him and it felt like we were just going thru the motions rather than actually feeling them. That's how I felt.

 

I didn't act on this when I first felt it because I wanted to be sure and give it another try and see if it was something repairable.

 

I wish this were easy, but it's not. I feel it's best to cut ties if I can't give what he needs of me anymore.

My ex did this to me. Saying he had changed and we weren't right for each other anymore. When we first broke up, he told me he would always love me but he didn't know if he was "in love" with me anymore. It KILLED me to say the least. As a few months went by after the break up, he wouldn't even tell me that he had any love feelings at all for me anymore. How do people just stop loving? I know it happens all the time, but I've never just fallen out of love with someone. I still have a lot of love for my ex. Even though I know now he cheated on me a week before he actually said anything about breaking up. And this is most likely the real reason he broke up with me. To be with a new, exciting girl. I will always love him. We dated for 8 years and how could I NOT still have love for him? We had a good relationship, but he felt we just didn't have the "passion" anymore. He also said he didn't think I cared enough about his music (he's in a band). I thought I showed intrest in his music and the passion bit just annoyed me. 8 years together... of course the passion isn't what it was when we first got together. He told me he wanted to feel those butterflies and giddy "new love" feelings and he expected it to last forever. I told him love changes and goes through phases. He didn't want to hear that, of course. Now he is dating the girl he cheated on me with. She's a young college girl who is a groupie of the band he's in. Now I'm sure he's feeling that "passion" of being with a new girl and she loves his band, so he must be just eating that up. Ugh! It's crazy how things happen. It sucks when one person loves so much and the other one falls out of love. Or goes out and looks for something they think is missing in the relationship they gave up. I'm wondering if my ex will realize what he gave up when the groupie he's with doesn't work out. I'm sure the girl isn't someone he's going to marry. I wouldn't take him back after knowing that he cheated on me, but it would give me a tiny bit of satisfaction to know he will someday regret it.

[FallenAngel84]

I'm sorry you're going through that. It's so difficult and even though I was the one on the "dumping" end, believe me, the guilt is there like you wouldn't believe knowing if it was the right thing. Memories are what are hurting me the most and knowing I'll never get to do things we did together again, but I need to find comfort in the fact that new memories will and CAN be made.

 

I hope you can one day find peace in your situation.

[Billie The Puppet]

My ex did this to me. Saying he had changed and we weren't right for each other anymore. When we first broke up, he told me he would always love me but he didn't know if he was "in love" with me anymore. It KILLED me to say the least. As a few months went by after the break up, he wouldn't even tell me that he had any love feelings at all for me anymore. How do people just stop loving? I know it happens all the time, but I've never just fallen out of love with someone. I still have a lot of love for my ex. Even though I know now he cheated on me a week before he actually said anything about breaking up. And this is most likely the real reason he broke up with me. To be with a new, exciting girl. I will always love him. We dated for 8 years and how could I NOT still have love for him? We had a good relationship, but he felt we just didn't have the "passion" anymore. He also said he didn't think I cared enough about his music (he's in a band). I thought I showed intrest in his music and the passion bit just annoyed me. 8 years together... of course the passion isn't what it was when we first got together. He told me he wanted to feel those butterflies and giddy "new love" feelings and he expected it to last forever. I told him love changes and goes through phases. He didn't want to hear that, of course. Now he is dating the girl he cheated on me with. She's a young college girl who is a groupie of the band he's in. Now I'm sure he's feeling that "passion" of being with a new girl and she loves his band, so he must be just eating that up. Ugh! It's crazy how things happen. It sucks when one person loves so much and the other one falls out of love. Or goes out and looks for something they think is missing in the relationship they gave up. I'm wondering if my ex will realize what he gave up when the groupie he's with doesn't work out. I'm sure the girl isn't someone he's going to marry. I wouldn't take him back after knowing that he cheated on me, but it would give me a tiny bit of satisfaction to know he will someday regret it.

 

I think if you put in more than 2 years into a relationship there is some sort of love. I think everything is repairable it's whether or not both parties want to repair it. I hate that some people just give up on things because of a feeling. I mean my ex was pushing for engagement in the butterfly stage you talk about. I didn't want to give it because it was that exact stage and just when I was ready to give it she splits with me because she never experienced being single. I don't buy it because she chased me if she really wanted to be single she would have remained single instead of chasing me. I know where things went wrong but asking for a chance only kills any remaining love she may have for me. I just wish I could work things out and regain those butterfly feelings she had when we first met. Nowadays it's just too easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. I would rather feed and grow my own grass to the healthy green state than make the trip to the other side only to find out it's not as green as I would have liked. Of course my words are biased to a dumpee but I think people give up way to easily. Not to mention they now have to enter another relationship in which the same cycle may just happen/

 

People just are not willing to work things out or communicate. I am one of those that doesn't fall out of love easily myself so I guess I am going to become a serial dumpee.

[FallenAngel84]

In theory, it sounds easy to never fall out of love if you were in it to begin with. It's so hard and not something I could ever easily put into words but when it no longer is right, it no longer is right.

 

The grass is never greener on the other side but when you don't feel that love anymore, it's hard to regain it. Believe me, I tried over and over and tried lying to myself and it's not something than can easily be done.

 

Consider yourself lucky you've never been on this side of the fence. it is a terrible thing.

[ShannonMI]

I think if you put in more than 2 years into a relationship there is some sort of love. I think everything is repairable it's whether or not both parties want to repair it. I hate that some people just give up on things because of a feeling. I mean my ex was pushing for engagement in the butterfly stage you talk about. I didn't want to give it because it was that exact stage and just when I was ready to give it she splits with me because she never experienced being single. I don't buy it because she chased me if she really wanted to be single she would have remained single instead of chasing me. I know where things went wrong but asking for a chance only kills any remaining love she may have for me. I just wish I could work things out and regain those butterfly feelings she had when we first met. Nowadays it's just too easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. I would rather feed and grow my own grass to the healthy green state than make the trip to the other side only to find out it's not as green as I would have liked. Of course my words are biased to a dumpee but I think people give up way to easily. Not to mention they now have to enter another relationship in which the same cycle may just happen/

 

People just are not willing to work things out or communicate. I am one of those that doesn't fall out of love easily myself so I guess I am going to become a serial dumpee.

Yea I love for life I guess! Hahahahaha even when the a**hole does me wrong. 2 years ago, my ex and I had some issues, but we worked through them and continued on. I thought we were stronger because of them. Everything was good as far as I knew. Then at the end of May he dumps me and gives me the reasons I stated above. He also told me I was "too comfortable" in the relationship. Well after 8 years aren't you supposed to be comfortable? I'm not sure I get his logic. We rarely fought, we loved each other (or so I thought) and all of that. He also thinks that relationships don't take work and maintainence. He thinks it should be butterflies and roses the whole time you are together. EVERY couple goes through ups and downs and you have to just work through them, not give up and look for something else. It sucks to say the least.

 

The grass ISN'T greener on the other side, but I guess it takes going over to the other side and seeing for yourself. Also my ex was 19 when we started dating, so he didn't get to experience the crazy college life like most young men. Now he's 27 and living them. Going out a lot and dating a college girl. Whatever! Have fun with that! Hope it works out for him, but I have my doubts.

[FallenAngel84]

It sounds like he wanted to go out and experience more before settling down. This situation sounds alot like mine. I was 20 when I met my ex boyfriend. I'm almost 26 now. Alot happens and people change alot during that time. I'm not saying what he did was right, and I know it kills but you have to realize it was probably for the best. I've been on the 'losing team' before too and it isn't fun but it does make you stronger.

 

I feel like being the one to end things is actually harder than being the one being dumped. It's a very long thought process, or at least it has been for me, putting myself in different instances and wondering if it'd be right.

 

Relationships shouldn't take a ton of work and things should be comfortable enough after 8 years, but there should also be that chemistry and it's hard to fake it if it just isn't there anymore. He did you a favor, as crazy as it sounds.

[Silvaria]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years on August 9th. It of course wasn't easy since we had been together so long, did alot together and have alot of history together. It was something I had thought about for a couple years because something just didn't seem right. I felt like I should feel more of a want to get married and more of a romantic love than a platonic love. We were so comfortable and inside, I was so bored. He is a great person, but I guess I just had a change of heart.

 

My husband and I were together for 15 years. The first 5 were very good, then something changed, and I started feeling more platonic towards him. For the last 5 or so, I didn't even want to have sex anymore, because I saw him as more of a friend and roommate than a lover. Luckily, he had begun feeling the same way, and we had a very amicable divorce this past April. We are still very good friends.

 

After we separated emotionally, I began dating again, and wow...all I can say is, I found what I was missing: Passion. I can't imagine life without it now, even though I'm currently single. My ex-husband is a wonderful man, and will make someone very, very happy someday, and for a long time, I went through the same doubts as you, wondering if I did the right thing. I did. The feelings of passion and desire just weren't there anymore, and frankly, no one should go through life with a partner with whom they don't feel those things, IMO.

 

Yes, he is hurt, but he WILL heal with time. I think you might the right move, both in breaking up with him now before it went any longer, and with initiating no contact with him. He doesn't see it now, but you are doing him a favor, because as long as you and him spend any time together, or talk, he will continue hoping that you will change your mind, and it sounds to me like underneath the sadness you feel, you are pretty confident in your decision.

 

Yes, you're going to feel guilty that you hurt him, because you still care deeply about him, but you also -deserve- to feel passion and excitement in your relationships. Allow yourself to feel the guilt, and move on. Sad emotions are just as much a part of life as happy ones.

[ShannonMI]

In theory, it sounds easy to never fall out of love if you were in it to begin with. It's so hard and not something I could ever easily put into words but when it no longer is right, it no longer is right.

 

The grass is never greener on the other side but when you don't feel that love anymore, it's hard to regain it. Believe me, I tried over and over and tried lying to myself and it's not something than can easily be done.

 

Consider yourself lucky you've never been on this side of the fence. it is a terrible thing.

The guilt has to be bad because you know you've shattered someone's heart. I hope my ex feels it. I was such a good girlfriend to him. I thought I gave him what he needed, but it wasn't good enough apparently. He had girlfriend's in the past cheat on him and I was so damn loyal. I never strayed. My ex is a workoholic and has been in a number of bands over the years. I rarely saw him, but I didn't nag him about it. Now if I had nagged him, he probably would have been annoyed by that. It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I knew how important his job and band was to him, so I didn't pressure him. I DID want to spend more quality time with him, but I ignored my own wants and needs to let him just do his thing. I regret that because that could be the reason why he fell out of love with me. We didn't spend enough time together to keep the "passion" he so desperately wanted. We are both at fault for that. He is for not making time for me and I am for not voicing what I needed from him. Ugh it's just sad to me.

[FallenAngel84]

Thank you for your insight, it is so appreciated and refreshing to hear since I feel like the Big Bad Wolf in my given situation.

 

I'm sorry you felt the way you did in your marriage but I'm also glad that you were able to realize it and get out and find what you were looking for and missing.

 

After my ex and I broke up in early August, I started dating someone and I felt that passion, as well. I know all relationships feel good in the beginning, but it was a different type of feeling and it's nice to have someone who is there for me and can get upset with me and who I can vent to and have things in common with. Not that I didn't have anything common with my ex, but he was just very passive and wishy washy and that kind of bugged me.

 

As I said, the memories are what hurt me the most and knowing that I'm hurting him. I'm scared of regret but it's a chance we all have to take. Life is too short to be unhappy and I thank you for your positive post.

[FallenAngel84]

It is so sad for me to read your posts because I can imagine my ex saying the same thing about me. I wish there was a magic wand to wave or something.

 

The guilt has to be bad because you know you've shattered someone's heart. I hope my ex feels it. I was such a good girlfriend to him. I thought I gave him what he needed, but it wasn't good enough apparently. He had girlfriend's in the past cheat on him and I was so damn loyal. I never strayed. My ex is a workoholic and has been in a number of bands over the years. I rarely saw him, but I didn't nag him about it. Now if I had nagged him, he probably would have been annoyed by that. It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I knew how important his job and band was to him, so I didn't pressure him. I DID want to spend more quality time with him, but I ignored my own wants and needs to let him just do his thing. I regret that because that could be the reason why he fell out of love with me. We didn't spend enough time together to keep the "passion" he so desperately wanted. We are both at fault for that. He is for not making time for me and I am for not voicing what I needed from him. Ugh it's just sad to me.

[skydiveaddict]

I think I'm over him, but not over the hurt I've inflicted on him.

 

 

Of course you're over him. You broke up with him. Why would you care about his hurt?

The truth is you don't. You are just trying to displace guilt.

[FallenAngel84]

I'm not that heartless. I do care about his hurt and that's why I'm hurting. I hate hurting ANYONE.

 

Of course you're over him. You broke up with him. Why would you care about his hurt?

The truth is you don't. You are just trying to displace guilt.

[Am4Real]

It sounds like he wanted to go out and experience more before settling down. This situation sounds alot like mine. I was 20 when I met my ex boyfriend. I'm almost 26 now. Alot happens and people change alot during that time. I'm not saying what he did was right, and I know it kills but you have to realize it was probably for the best. I've been on the 'losing team' before too and it isn't fun but it does make you stronger.

 

I feel like being the one to end things is actually harder than being the one being dumped. It's a very long thought process, or at least it has been for me, putting myself in different instances and wondering if it'd be right.

 

Relationships shouldn't take a ton of work and things should be comfortable enough after 8 years, but there should also be that chemistry and it's hard to fake it if it just isn't there anymore. He did you a favor, as crazy as it sounds.

 

Seeing that you are in your 20’s helps me understand your predicament. I believe it’s an age era where maturing self discovery (as young adults) takes root and longer term visions and wants take shape.

 

I’m willing to bet things were changing for you outside of the relationship about the time you felt differently for your EX, at least in some ways things were changing (new job, new friends, new hangouts, different attractions, etc).

 

You also learned a personal lesson about how to judge changes in your life and even better you had the courage to act upon them with dignity; a very mature accomplishment. The unfortunate blemish might be going back to revisit an old relationship but equally your EX used a ploy of love and emotion notes to lure you in.

 

At this stage enforcing no contact will hopefully help him move on as it will you.

 

Best wishes!

[skydiveaddict]

I'm not that heartless. I do care about his hurt and that's why I'm hurting. I hate hurting ANYONE.

 

 

That's bull****. You're not being honest with yourself

[FallenAngel84]

The 20's are definitely a defining era I have learned/am learning.

 

You are right, I got a new job and was having new experiences from my job around this time, meeting new people, etc.

 

I look at the revisiting of this old relationship as a chance that I had (maybe a selfish one) to see how I really felt and to validate my feelings even more so. I thought maybe we could give it another chance after sitting down for the first time face to face after the break up to see how I felt. There really wasn't any akwardness but there wasn't that insane feeling of having to KEEP him and want this so badly like there should have been had that been how I felt. I'm kind of upset that he left all those notes and that long letter for me. It felt like a trap for me to go back to him and I gave him exactly what he wanted out of that even though his words were very sincere.

 

He even showed up like John Cusak on my front lawn that night holding the boombox over his head like on "Say Anything" since he knew how cute I thought that was. He'd do anything for me and I just can't feel it.

 

Thank you for validating that I'm not a horrible person.

 

Seeing that you are in your 20’s helps me understand your predicament. I believe it’s an age era where maturing self discovery (as young adults) takes root and longer term visions and wants take shape.

 

I’m willing to bet things were changing for you outside of the relationship about the time you felt differently for your EX, at least in some ways things were changing (new job, new friends, new hangouts, different attractions, etc).

 

You also learned a personal lesson about how to judge changes in your life and even better you had the courage to act upon them with dignity; a very mature accomplishment. The unfortunate blemish might be going back to revisit an old relationship but equally your EX used a ploy of love and emotion notes to lure you in.

 

At this stage enforcing no contact will hopefully help him move on as it will you.

 

Best wishes!

[ShannonMI]

The 20's are definitely a defining era I have learned/am learning.

 

You are right, I got a new job and was having new experiences from my job around this time, meeting new people, etc.

 

I look at the revisiting of this old relationship as a chance that I had (maybe a selfish one) to see how I really felt and to validate my feelings even more so. I thought maybe we could give it another chance after sitting down for the first time face to face after the break up to see how I felt. There really wasn't any akwardness but there wasn't that insane feeling of having to KEEP him and want this so badly like there should have been had that been how I felt. I'm kind of upset that he left all those notes and that long letter for me. It felt like a trap for me to go back to him and I gave him exactly what he wanted out of that even though his words were very sincere.

 

He even showed up like John Cusak on my front lawn that night holding the boombox over his head like on "Say Anything" since he knew how cute I thought that was. He'd do anything for me and I just can't feel it.

 

Thank you for validating that I'm not a horrible person.

Having been dumped for the same reasons you dumped your ex, I have to say you ARE NOT a bad person! You did the right thing, even though you know he is dying inside. I guess if you just don't feel it anymore, then you don't feel it. It's not good to fake it and lead someone on.

With my ex we had those crazy passion type feelings in the beginning and I guess they didn't last. I still have so much love for him. My love turned into a deeper love and commitment to him. Not so much the butterflies and giddy feelings like in the beginning. Are those beginning love feelings supposed to last a lifetime? I know love goes through phases. Like I think about my parents and my ex's parents. Do they still feel that crazy passion? His parents don't even sleep in the same bed together, but they still love each other and they are committed to each other. My parents have been through their ups and downs and that has brought them closer through the years. They are happy and closer then ever, but do they still feel the passion?

[Am4Real]

Thank you for validating that I'm not a horrible person.

 

The only thing horrible would have been leading on a person and hiding your feelings. It took longer than it will next time around, I hope (if it ever happens again) and unfortunately a break up might be upon you one day as the DUMPEE that will have you ponder what went wrong.

 

For many of us who have been through relationships on both ends it’s a learning experience. You’re way ahead of the game by feeling for the other party but that feeling should not be guilt. Infidelity is guilt – honesty is not a guilty quality.

 

Make sense?