silktricks Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Interestingly, she hasn't offered anything, or tried to talk through anything. It's more about what he's doing to her and how much he's giving up (by moving out). I think that may be why I find it odd... because I think that were it me I'd want to get the counselling, I'd want to be looking at ways to improve things, to build something good, but she is asking him to come back and for things to be as they were. Yes, the more I think about it the more I think that's what confused me and that's where my use of the term 'settling' came from...The difference is (one of many, no doubt ) that she doesn't want things to be better. She wants it back the way it was. She was completely satisfied to have her husband feeling like sh*t. She liked the way things were. She got to do whatever she wanted to do, and she had a "friend" at home who provided what she couldn't get elsewhere. She had total control in their relationship. Everything was on her terms. She might stay, if it suited her... Now things are different, and she's not the one who's running things. I don't doubt that the situation is confusing to you, as it doesn't sound (to me) like you are in the least similar to her. I do think, though, that once he's left, you could find that he's got a great deal of problem solving to go through. I know you love him and all, but it's very easy to fall back into a familiar way of doing things. His familiarity at this point is with a wife who - not to put too fine a point on it - is a controlling witch. You could find that he attempts to cast you into that mold. I'm not saying things won't work out with you two, but I'd say that you've probably got some troublesome times ahead. That said, though, the best of luck to both of you. I see what you mean, re settling. I tend to think of compromise being a positive form of working through and deciding you get more pro's than con's, or at least equal. Whereas settling, to me, implies sticking with something that isn't enough, simply because it's there. It's also a word they have used in the past, as a couple, when they split up so maybe it was wedged in from that as much as anything. Great reply Silk. Thank you. I see what you are saying about settling.. And thanks .
OWoman Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 The difference is (one of many, no doubt ) that she doesn't want things to be better. She wants it back the way it was. She was completely satisfied to have her husband feeling like sh*t. She liked the way things were. She got to do whatever she wanted to do, and she had a "friend" at home who provided what she couldn't get elsewhere. She had total control in their relationship. Everything was on her terms. She might stay, if it suited her... Now things are different, and she's not the one who's running things. I don't doubt that the situation is confusing to you, as it doesn't sound (to me) like you are in the least similar to her. I do think, though, that once he's left, you could find that he's got a great deal of problem solving to go through. I know you love him and all, but it's very easy to fall back into a familiar way of doing things. His familiarity at this point is with a wife who - not to put too fine a point on it - is a controlling witch. You could find that he attempts to cast you into that mold. I'm not saying things won't work out with you two, but I'd say that you've probably got some troublesome times ahead. That said, though, the best of luck to both of you. I see what you are saying about settling.. And thanks . Silk - I agree with your reading of this completely. It's very similar to what my H experienced, too - and the bit I've bolded resonated strongly because of that. It is an easy pattern to fall back into - and my H had a lot of work to do in IC to find out what in himself allowed him to accept that pattern developing in the first place, and then (in his case - but I think it applies in SG's BF's case too) to allow that pattern to resume after a separation where a period of being alone helped him to realise that life without her was better than life with her... and what he'd need to do to ensure he didn't fall into familiar patterns again in a new R. (yes, our R dynamic has always been very different to theirs - as SG's and her BF's is from his with his W - but until the root cause of why he allowed it was confronted, he couldn't be sure that he wouldn't slip back into a more passive, less frightening role if things became challenging...) But we got through it - and I have every confidence based on what I've been told of this R, that SG and her BF will, too
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Good points you both make. We've talked around what may have led him to accept that in his life, and I have some theories that I don't think are very useful to our current situation. However, I do think he is on a long road of discovery, and it's sort of like a snowball effect, and the more he notices/realises/learns/remembers, the more he wants to. It's just the (slow) start though and your posts remind me it's important not to underestimate the work needed.
fooled once Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 SG, Each person handles things differently. My ex had the most unusual response to me telling him I wanted a divorce - nothing I would have expected from him. Prior to that, when we had our only child, his reaction was again NOT what I would have ever expected. I am not sure what you hope to 'find out' about how she reacts, but since none of us know her (and not even you, except what you have been told by her H), who knows what she is going to do. Doesn't what matters the most is how he reacts to it? Since he didn't leave her when she moved onto someone else, I have a feeling this could be a long journey for you. I am not trying to be negative; but something isn't sitting right with it all for me; but then again, who cares about my thoughts LOL - I am not the one with him, you are. So ... stop worrying about what she is doing/thinking/saying (I am saying this with my mom hat on). Focus on what YOU are doing/thinking/saying. Focus on how involved in THEIR separation/divorce you are going to get and ... again, I have my mom hat on...if you have to get involved in it; then I think that is an issue. He should be a big boy and handle it himself (I am not saying he isn't; but since he has shown a very less than impressive self in regards to standing up for himself...) Let him deal with it. Let him either divorce or not. Do not hand hold him, do not do his paperwork, do not do any of that stuff. This is his separation/divorce and he needs to walk that journey alone, learning how to be more engaged in it and handle it versus having just another version of his wife (you) handling his stuff for him. Again, I am not saying this to be mean or to sound nasty --- I am saying this to you my friend --- nothing different than I would say to you if you were sitting here with me ((hugs))
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 SG, Each person handles things differently. My ex had the most unusual response to me telling him I wanted a divorce - nothing I would have expected from him. Prior to that, when we had our only child, his reaction was again NOT what I would have ever expected. I am not sure what you hope to 'find out' about how she reacts, but since none of us know her (and not even you, except what you have been told by her H), who knows what she is going to do. Not really trying to predict, I think maybe I wanted reassurance that she was being genuine, and/or that she wasn't having some sort of meltdown. Doesn't what matters the most is how he reacts to it? Since he didn't leave her when she moved onto someone else, I have a feeling this could be a long journey for you. I am not trying to be negative; but something isn't sitting right with it all for me; but then again, who cares about my thoughts LOL - I am not the one with him, you are. So ... stop worrying about what she is doing/thinking/saying (I am saying this with my mom hat on). Focus on what YOU are doing/thinking/saying. Focus on how involved in THEIR separation/divorce you are going to get and ... again, I have my mom hat on...if you have to get involved in it; then I think that is an issue. He should be a big boy and handle it himself (I am not saying he isn't; but since he has shown a very less than impressive self in regards to standing up for himself...) I definitely have no intention of getting involved, but I absolutely will be there for him. I rarely suggest actions for him to take or offer an opinion on things she has said or done. I have been very vocal on how I felt about the continued deceit, and what sh.it I felt he was unfairly storing up for her/everyone. But in terms of how they behave towards one another, that's very much their dynamic. The fact I find it unhealthy and sometimes even eerie helps me to distance myself. Let him deal with it. Let him either divorce or not. Do not hand hold him, do not do his paperwork, do not do any of that stuff. This is his separation/divorce and he needs to walk that journey alone, learning how to be more engaged in it and handle it versus having just another version of his wife (you) handling his stuff for him. I do agree with you. It's something he said himself actually. That this was something he needed to do for himself start to finish, the whole thing. I've not looked online for places he could move to, or looked up legal stuff, or anything at all, even though it would be so easy for me to do so. We both believe it's crucial in his separation, that he do the doing, as well as in terms of us beginning an exclusive relationship and going on to live together. I sense that as much as it may be different for him, that he actually NEEDS it - that he knows deep down he needs to go through the whole process. I'm glad about that. Again, I am not saying this to be mean or to sound nasty --- I am saying this to you my friend --- nothing different than I would say to you if you were sitting here with me ((hugs)) I know FO. Thank you. I do take your points.
painfullyobvious Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse. There's no point in hiding my situation, it's all in my posts. I am in love with a married man, he has told his wife he is leaving and moving away to be with me. The background of the marriage, broadly, is: No sex life between them, ever Solid friendship/companionship Little emotional intimacy Much conflict avoidance from both, long silences and strategies to prevent discussion or too much time together Similar backgrounds and nature Wife left husband to be with someone else for a year, her new relationship broke down, she returned to the marital home and they carried on as 'normal', she maintains close friendship with said married man The wife in this situation is not behaving the way many betrayed spouses have reported on here; many have said 'I told him, you want her? Go and be with her....' etc. However, this lady says that he can't possibly love me, she refuses to discuss me which makes it difficult for my guy because she will be derisive about the relationship we have, but would leave the room rather than hear the reality of the situation. And that's her pregrogative, and I can see that point of view. It's not how I would be, but that doesn't mean it's wrong, she's obviously hurting. She is being super-nice, as if the last x amount of years have never happened. She always said he could never find someone else, no one would have him, and now he has she refuses to accept he is going. Which he is. He's moving somewhere temporarily anyway and is spending long weekends with me. She talks a lot of what they 'have', in terms of routines, a clean, tidy, nice home, stability (I think that's subjective to be honest) and is amazed he could give 'all that' up for a different relationship. Her assumption is that he's leaving so he can have sex; that's definitely a factor but we are not at all together purely for physical gratification. What I am trying hard to understand (and may never be able to) is how much of her reaction is shock, or attempting to maintain the status quo; and how much is genuine emotion. She has been more forthcoming in the last week, in respect of how she feels about her husband and what he means to her, than she has in ten years (he is her 'life' she says, for example....). She is almost begging him to spare time to spend with her. I suppose I am finding it hard to understand - or am I? I can see how it is, when you're in that situation. I was cheated on, I took back someone I should not have done because I struggled to cope with the change and the hurt etc. But for a long time (several years) she has behaved in a way that really doesn't suggest she really has the feelings for her husband she now claims she does. She has been unhappy with him for many, many years, and now says she is 'happy'. I asked him what he was doing differently, what has changed, he said nothing - if anything he is even less of a husband than he was. Which led me to wonder if she was merely 'settling', having accepted that this is the best they will have. Which is what he did a long time ago, until he met me. And that could be a grossly unfair assertion. It would be unfair to say she's turned over a new leaf overnight. This is a big change, but it has been coming for some time. Basically the more independent her husband appeared to be (as a result of his relationship with me) the more relaxed and friendly she became. I think she picked up on something, even if she didn't know what it was. It's so easy for me to be cynical, obviously; a lot of the plus points of their set-up appear to be routine, history and convenience - none of which I value as highly as others might. So I wondered if anyone could share their own experiences if it would help me to get my head around her reactions; I'd like to understand, if I can and would be grateful for any assistance Many times people do not know what they have until it is gone. She may be wising up a bit that she needs to change her behavior towards her husband or he may leave. I feel for you on this one
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