Recognising your love, or 'settling'?

[Silly_Girl]

He is setting you up. He complains about the marriage up to the time to take action, and then starts telling you the BS is fighting for him. He is feeding you the info on the BS so he has an excuse not to take that action he promised you he would take.

 

I'm sorry you are too close to the situation to see it.

 

And by the way, I have noticed that allot of your responses are defensive. Why did you ask for advise if you didn't want the answers.

 

From experience I can tell you that you might be shocked at the lengths a BS will go thru to save the marriage. No matter what state it is in.

 

SS, I did not ask for advice, I asked for insight from people who have been in/near the situation I described. I wanted to understand better than I do and shake off assumptions that are too easy to make. Unfortunately lots of the posts didn't help provide that insight

[Owl]

My BH was quite uncharacteristic in his stipulations post DDay.

 

And he wanted to keep me, especially in the face of a 'usurper'

 

He said he would never speak to me again if I went on to have a R with xMOM. He basically said he would hate me forever, make life more difficult for me (re finance and kids) and generally hate me.

 

And that he would abandon our kids. (I felt this was more a threat. I hope).

 

So quite harsh, then.

 

Just curious, WW...I totally get lost with people's situations. What was the outcome of this situation for you? Did you attempt to reconcile, divorce, what?

[2sure]

I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse.

 

Wife left husband to be with someone else for a year, her new relationship broke down, she returned to the marital home and they carried on as 'normal', she maintains close friendship with said married man

 

The wife in this situation is not behaving the way many betrayed spouses have reported on here

 

SG - Your MM is one of those BS who went out of his way to keep his marriage intact even though it is unhappy.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse.

 

Wife left husband to be with someone else for a year, her new relationship broke down, she returned to the marital home and they carried on as 'normal', she maintains close friendship with said married man

 

The wife in this situation is not behaving the way many betrayed spouses have reported on here

 

SG - Your MM is one of those BS who went out of his way to keep his marriage intact even though it is unhappy.

 

He let her go. She came back and he had nothing better on, difference is that she is refusing to accept what he tells her as the truth... But I see what you're saying, and I think maybe I hadn't looked at it in those terms. Thanks.

[wheelwright]

Just curious, WW...I totally get lost with people's situations. What was the outcome of this situation for you? Did you attempt to reconcile, divorce, what?

 

Thanks for your interest Owl.

 

We are attempting to reconcile, and it has been a very shaky ride, with a number of watersheds where we decided to quit.

 

My feelings re xMOM have been none too easy to resolve, and my H's anger re A has only recently subsided to the point where our time together is no longer unbearable.

 

We put our wedding rings back on last week, after a period of a year not wearing them. Neither of us are balanced as yet, but we are now balanced enough to see if things will work out between us. We are getting closer, but sometimes I still get the urge to pull away. And he has some black moods. But he is on the whole being very sweet. And he is now giving me the space to work through my feelings when I need it, without it triggering a blue fit.

 

I am very fond of H, and frankly crave the security he continues to offer me after what I have put him through. He seems totally in love with me, which sometimes feels great, and other times makes me feel claustrophobic. This I need to work on.

 

Not sure if this is a tj, as perhaps it offers some of the insight SG was asking for!

 

(BTW - I liked your post in another thread about why you still visit LS. )

[Chrome Barracuda]

He'll do it to his wife, he will damn sure do it to you!

 

WTF do you want with a man who's ALREADY MARRIED!!!

 

WAKE UP!

[greengoddess]

silly girl why are you asking about his wifes behavior? It should be inconsequential. The mm does not need his wifes permission to leave her. He just needs to do it. Have his actions backed up his words? Has he left her like he says he wants? It's easy if that is what he wants he leaves and only speaks to his wife through lawyers. It doesn't sound like that is what he is doing.

[donnamaybe]

When my daughter was just 19 and pregnant, her then fiance cheated on her, and she found out. He begged and pleaded and promised he'd NEVER do it again. She believed him. He did it again. She gave him the boot.

 

She wanted to be with him because she loved him, so she gave him one - ONE - chance to behave himself. He regrets it to this day.

[Silly_Girl]

silly girl why are you asking about his wifes behavior? It should be inconsequential.

 

Her behaviour should be inconsequential, and and essentially it is, but I'm interested, genuinely. People interest me, relationships interest me and attempting to understand situations is something I just do. I asked a question I hoped others would have potential answers to. It really is that simple.

[Silly_Girl]

Thanks for your sincere reply jthorne, even though it wasn't remotely answering the question I posed

 

I get that if things don't happen in a certain order or a certain way that they're deemed invalid by onlookers and that's okay. I'm the one living it. And I know how easy it is to judge from the outside. I try not to do it but I still do.

 

I think I'll read other threads for this purpose.

[greengoddess]

Her behaviour should be inconsequential, and and essentially it is, but I'm interested, genuinely. People interest me, relationships interest me and attempting to understand situations is something I just do. I asked a question I hoped others would have potential answers to. It really is that simple.

 

Has he left her? Is he with you now? If not don't believe him.

[Silly_Girl]

Has he left her? Is he with you now? If not don't believe him.

 

He's moved out temporarily and is with me weekends, but we live a distance from each other. But nothing permanent as yet as Nevis applying for jobs in my area. I'm keeping an open mind.

[Silly_Girl]

Actually it did, but you either missed it, or chose not to see it.

 

She is doing what she is doing because it is what has worked for her in the past.

 

Now, THIS is off-topic but I'd be really interested to know if he closed out that chat-and-flirt account or if he still has it open.

 

Also interesting is that you didn't have a reply for me about what he has changed about himself since your first post. Perhaps for another thread.

 

An awful lot has changed, about him. It's because I could/can see those changes that he's still in my life. A big journey for him. But yes, another thread I think.

[Silly_Girl]

Jthorne I tried to edit but missed the boat. The account doesn't exist now.

 

And I changed my mind re posting how he's changed or what made me stick around. I'm mostly told he's full of it and I'm in denial so there doesn't seem much point!!! If you were genuinely interested I'd PM you however.

[Silly_Girl]

LOL nah she responded. Just as a rant in the ow section. lol

 

I don't get it. You post in infidelity asking a womans motivations for wanting her husband back. People respectfully try to help and then you get all defensive over people offering advice. I think sg may have been looking for a bit of an argument so was defensivve to begin with when people were respectful! Silly Girl.

 

GG, my issue was with the off-topic posts when I was asking about the experiences of BS's. That's all. We'll never agree when I say it was off-topic and you say it wasn't, so no point in debating it

[datura_noir]

I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse.

 

 

You asked this question, and many (including myself) took the time to reply, from their viewpoint. I'm sorry if you did not hear what you wanted to.

 

Maybe you should rephrase the question to: "Why does a BS take the cheater back?" and post it in the OW/OM section; or simply go through some older posts, because that question (and variations of it) have been asked ad nauseum.

[fooled once]

what a thread!

 

Silly, you know I have always cared about you.

 

Re-reading your first post on this site when you joined was almost like reading your current posts.

 

He was "seeing you on weekends" then, he is doing that now. How is now different than before?

 

I also am curious if they have NEVER had sex, did they have it pre-marriage? So are you saying for 12+ years, they have never ever had sex? So he can get his marriage annulled? And you are his first mistress?

 

I do not see this ending well for you; but you will have to walk that journey on your own. I see nothing different now than your first post back in June/July about the situation -- except you are much more into believing him.

 

I wish you the best. Please try to not be so defensive as you have been on this thread. People tried to respond to you and if I may say, in a very respectful manner. You came out with guns blazing, poo pooing each of their responses.

 

I do hope you get what you want in the end; I just have a gut feeling you won't. But like I said, this is a journey only you can take. It is like when we teach out kids not to touch something or do something and they do it anyway....they had to learn why we told them that.

 

Best of luck my friend, and I do mean that sincerely.

[Silly_Girl]

what a thread!

 

Silly, you know I have always cared about you.

 

I enjoy your posts and really do appreciate the time you've taken to reply to me

 

Re-reading your first post on this site when you joined was almost like reading your current posts.

 

He was "seeing you on weekends" then, he is doing that now. How is now different than before?

 

He can't be here during the week - it would mean 4.5 hours commuting PER DAY. It's a simple fact and I do not WANT him here every day (yet).

 

I also am curious if they have NEVER had sex, did they have it pre-marriage? So are you saying for 12+ years, they have never ever had sex? So he can get his marriage annulled? And you are his first mistress?

 

I have never EVER thought of annulment! There used to be mild sexual contact, and they attempted a sex life post-marriage. They didn't persevere and were not successful. Perhaps I should get googling.

 

I do not see this ending well for you; but you will have to walk that journey on your own. I see nothing different now than your first post back in June/July about the situation -- except you are much more into believing him.

 

Because I see the difference. He has told people who matter to him, and applied for jobs near me etc. But to be honest it is his attitude and his soul-searching and his effort that I see more.

 

I wish you the best. Please try to not be so defensive as you have been on this thread. People tried to respond to you and if I may say, in a very respectful manner. You came out with guns blazing, poo pooing each of their responses.

 

I know you see that. I still don't. Had I asked for advice regarding my situation on the OW board, I'd totally have to take the 'advice' (he's lying, you can't see it, walk away etc) on the chin. But I genuinely was interested in the reactions of those in MM's wife's position. She has said some crazy stuff, it near made me think it was some sort of breakdown (my ex-husband really struggled when we split, didn't work for two weeks, constant crying, discussions etc, but he was CONSISTENT and rational; I think that's why her behaviour jolted me. She is generally very controlled).

 

My gripe was that I was being told 'how it is' and not getting responses regarding typical BS to-ing and fro-ing.

 

I promise, FO, for you, to be less defensive if things go (what I perceive to be) off-topic. I have given myself a stern talking to.

 

I do hope you get what you want in the end; I just have a gut feeling you won't. But like I said, this is a journey only you can take. It is like when we teach out kids not to touch something or do something and they do it anyway....they had to learn why we told them that.

 

I have talked it over with my counsellor, my mum, my best friend, and myself. I am happy with my actions, I couldn't walk away right now. It may be I learn a very valuable and painful lesson. It may be that I spend the rest of my life with a man who makes me very happy.

 

Best of luck my friend, and I do mean that sincerely.

 

Thanks FO. I really only have words to offer but please believe me, I AM very grateful.

[SidLyon]

Her behaviour should be inconsequential, and and essentially it is, but I'm interested, genuinely. People interest me, relationships interest me and attempting to understand situations is something I just do. I asked a question I hoped others would have potential answers to. It really is that simple.

 

I did try to stick with responding to your specific questions but apparently my effort was overlooked.

[Silly_Girl]

I did try to stick with responding to your specific questions but apparently my effort was overlooked.

 

Sorry SL!!!! you did you did! Some did. I picked up yours on my phone in the queue to pay for my petrol, and forgot to come back to it. Sorry again. And thanks.

[SidLyon]

Sorry SL!!!! you did you did! Some did. I picked up yours on my phone in the queue to pay for my petrol, and forgot to come back to it. Sorry again. And thanks.

 

Ah OK. I see you are from SE England. I am an Essex girl myself ; or should I say a girl from Essex (lol).

[OWoman]

I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse.

 

I am not a BS, nor have I ever been, so perhaps this isn't addressed to me - though I can relate from a different angle.

 

My H's xW's response was not dissimilar to what you describe:

 

 

However, this lady says that he can't possibly love me, she refuses to discuss me which makes it difficult for my guy because she will be derisive about the relationship we have, but would leave the room rather than hear the reality of the situation. And that's her pregrogative, and I can see that point of view. It's not how I would be, but that doesn't mean it's wrong, she's obviously hurting.

 

She is being super-nice, as if the last x amount of years have never happened. She always said he could never find someone else, no one would have him, and now he has she refuses to accept he is going. Which he is. He's moving somewhere temporarily anyway and is spending long weekends with me.

 

She talks a lot of what they 'have', in terms of routines, a clean, tidy, nice home, stability (I think that's subjective to be honest) and is amazed he could give 'all that' up for a different relationship. Her assumption is that he's leaving so he can have sex; that's definitely a factor but we are not at all together purely for physical gratification.

 

What I am trying hard to understand (and may never be able to) is how much of her reaction is shock, or attempting to maintain the status quo; and how much is genuine emotion.

 

She has been more forthcoming in the last week, in respect of how she feels about her husband and what he means to her, than she has in ten years (he is her 'life' she says, for example....). She is almost begging him to spare time to spend with her. I suppose I am finding it hard to understand - or am I? I can see how it is, when you're in that situation. I was cheated on, I took back someone I should not have done because I struggled to cope with the change and the hurt etc. But for a long time (several years) she has behaved in a way that really doesn't suggest she really has the feelings for her husband she now claims she does.

 

She has been unhappy with him for many, many years, and now says she is 'happy'. I asked him what he was doing differently, what has changed, he said nothing - if anything he is even less of a husband than he was. Which led me to wonder if she was merely 'settling', having accepted that this is the best they will have. Which is what he did a long time ago, until he met me. And that could be a grossly unfair assertion.

 

It would be unfair to say she's turned over a new leaf overnight. This is a big change, but it has been coming for some time. Basically the more independent her husband appeared to be (as a result of his relationship with me) the more relaxed and friendly she became. I think she picked up on something, even if she didn't know what it was.

 

It's so easy for me to be cynical, obviously; a lot of the plus points of their set-up appear to be routine, history and convenience - none of which I value as highly as others might. So I wondered if anyone could share their own experiences if it would help me to get my head around her reactions; I'd like to understand, if I can and would be grateful for any assistance

 

OK, it wasn't exactly the same - she refused to believe him when he said he would be leaving her (he told her ahead of time to prepare her, while he was looking for a suitable place for him & the kids). She thought it was just a tactic to get her to agree to go back to MC. She told him it was impossible for him to have someone else - no one else would want him! He was lucky to have her, etc etc.

 

When he did leave, she tried everything to get him back - she tried nice. Oh, so nice - like he'd never seen her before. And when that didn't work, she tried mean. Meaner than she'd ever been. And when that didn't work, she tried falling apart, doing the guilt-tripping thing that had worked so well on their previous separation. And when that didn't work (because by then we were together) she went back to mean.

 

Just because she didn't (and maybe still doesn't) want him herself (really), doesn't mean she wants anyone else to have him. And it certainly doesn't mean she wants him to find the happiness she could never give him with someone else. Dog in the manger.

 

SG - I think it's good for him to see her doing her damndest. And for him to realise that her damndest still doesn't come close to approaching you in your ground, base, least trying state. It will help him to realise he's making the right decision, down the line when she tries to guilt-trip him by falling apart or gets really vindictive or whatever else is next on her list of tactics. It's nothing to feel threatened by - if your R is as strong as it sounds, he knows what he has with you and what he'd stand to lose by giving in to her manipulation.

 

Hang in there - this too shall pass.... (((((hugs)))))

[silktricks]

Hey SG - I haven't read this thread, so don't know what anyone else has said. I think that there may be differing reasons. From what I recall, your BF's wife had an affair, and they agreed to stay together. Basically (as I recall) he agreed to have an extremely unsatisfying relationship (for him) so that she could have an extremely satisfying relationship (for her). Then he met you. Is this correct? Because if it isn't, then I've got the wrong story entirely....

 

Anyway, if that's the right story, it's a LOT different from mine, so I can't speak based upon my own experience (of deciding to work at recovering our marriage after infidelity) - there really aren't any points of comparison. So...

 

just to guess - as that's all it would be - I would guess that she has very much liked having it "all" - boyfriend and husband and both focused pretty much on her. Now her husband has a new focus, and it has upset her apple cart. She has felt for a long time that he loved her so much that she could basically do anything and he would always be there for her - he was her safety net. Now she's finding out that isn't true. Does she truly love him? I don't doubt that in her mind (at least right now) she does. But that doesn't truly matter, if what he experiences is not what he considers to be love.

 

He may feel guilt at "abandoning her", but IMO she abandoned him long ago, and he's just lately realized that there are limits to what he is willing to put up with.

 

As for your root question about "settling"... well, I don't like that word nor what it implies. We all "settle" in many ways for many things. None of us ever find (or offer) perfection, and IMO to continue to search for perfection in anything takes us down a path that isn't healthy... so I don't like the term. But is she in this particular instance "settling"? No, I don't think so - at least not in her mind. I think she wants things the way they were. When things were all her way, she felt the freedom to find fault with him constantly, and tell him how unhappy she was, because in her opinion, it was HIS JOB to make her happy. If she was unhappy, then she was fine, but he was failing. It seems to me that there is a fairly large contingent of people who do this - or something like this anyway.

 

JMO.

[Silly_Girl]

I am not a BS, nor have I ever been, so perhaps this isn't addressed to me - though I can relate from a different angle.

 

My H's xW's response was not dissimilar to what you describe:

 

 

OK, it wasn't exactly the same - she refused to believe him when he said he would be leaving her (he told her ahead of time to prepare her, while he was looking for a suitable place for him & the kids). She thought it was just a tactic to get her to agree to go back to MC. She told him it was impossible for him to have someone else - no one else would want him! He was lucky to have her, etc etc.

 

Hhmmm.... Yes, those things.

 

When he did leave, she tried everything to get him back - she tried nice. Oh, so nice - like he'd never seen her before. And when that didn't work, she tried mean. Meaner than she'd ever been. And when that didn't work, she tried falling apart, doing the guilt-tripping thing that had worked so well on their previous separation. And when that didn't work (because by then we were together) she went back to mean.

 

Just because she didn't (and maybe still doesn't) want him herself (really), doesn't mean she wants anyone else to have him. And it certainly doesn't mean she wants him to find the happiness she could never give him with someone else. Dog in the manger.

 

SG - I think it's good for him to see her doing her damndest. And for him to realise that her damndest still doesn't come close to approaching you in your ground, base, least trying state. It will help him to realise he's making the right decision, down the line when she tries to guilt-trip him by falling apart or gets really vindictive or whatever else is next on her list of tactics. It's nothing to feel threatened by - if your R is as strong as it sounds, he knows what he has with you and what he'd stand to lose by giving in to her manipulation.

 

These are the first times I have seen him really say anything 'against' her. he'd never insult or be derogatory but I am so pleased (and relieved) he can see that SOME of what she is saying is not true, things about events in their past etc. I am glad he sees that there are big anomalies.

 

Hang in there - this too shall pass.... (((((hugs)))))

 

I hope it doesn't get nasty. I didn't imagine that it would go that way. They are both controlled, polite people. I hoped (for both their sakes) that although it might not make it easier, per se, that it wouldn't get vindictive or out of hand. But I guess it's still early days and it may well be fine for them. As you say, this will pass.

 

Thanks OWoman. Much appreciated.

[Silly_Girl]

Hey SG - I haven't read this thread, so don't know what anyone else has said. I think that there may be differing reasons. From what I recall, your BF's wife had an affair, and they agreed to stay together. Basically (as I recall) he agreed to have an extremely unsatisfying relationship (for him) so that she could have an extremely satisfying relationship (for her). Then he met you. Is this correct? Because if it isn't, then I've got the wrong story entirely....

 

No, that is it Silk- good memory!

 

Anyway, if that's the right story, it's a LOT different from mine, so I can't speak based upon my own experience (of deciding to work at recovering our marriage after infidelity) - there really aren't any points of comparison. So...

 

just to guess - as that's all it would be - I would guess that she has very much liked having it "all" - boyfriend and husband and both focused pretty much on her. Now her husband has a new focus, and it has upset her apple cart. She has felt for a long time that he loved her so much that she could basically do anything and he would always be there for her - he was her safety net. Now she's finding out that isn't true. Does she truly love him? I don't doubt that in her mind (at least right now) she does. But that doesn't truly matter, if what he experiences is not what he considers to be love.

 

I do think she felt that it didn't matter what happened, that he was so inept and shy and reliable that he would just go along with everything. I think she felt he valued her in her role as wife/housekeeper/friend that there was no way he would ever THINK about giving that up. You're right there.

 

And again, you're right. She definitely believes she loves him. Even though it wasn't that long ago she couldn't plan 3 months ahead with him because she wasn't sure she could bear the pain of them being together.

 

He may feel guilt at "abandoning her", but IMO she abandoned him long ago, and he's just lately realized that there are limits to what he is willing to put up with.

 

She has said a LOT of things that have made him feel bad about the 'abandonment'. Interestingly, she hasn't offered anything, or tried to talk through anything. It's more about what he's doing to her and how much he's giving up (by moving out). I think that may be why I find it odd... because I think that were it me I'd want to get the counselling, I'd want to be looking at ways to improve things, to build something good, but she is asking him to come back and for things to be as they were. Yes, the more I think about it the more I think that's what confused me and that's where my use of the term 'settling' came from...

 

As for your root question about "settling"... well, I don't like that word nor what it implies. We all "settle" in many ways for many things. None of us ever find (or offer) perfection, and IMO to continue to search for perfection in anything takes us down a path that isn't healthy... so I don't like the term. But is she in this particular instance "settling"? No, I don't think so - at least not in her mind. I think she wants things the way they were. When things were all her way, she felt the freedom to find fault with him constantly, and tell him how unhappy she was, because in her opinion, it was HIS JOB to make her happy. If she was unhappy, then she was fine, but he was failing. It seems to me that there is a fairly large contingent of people who do this - or something like this anyway.

 

JMO.

 

I see what you mean, re settling. I tend to think of compromise being a positive form of working through and deciding you get more pro's than con's, or at least equal. Whereas settling, to me, implies sticking with something that isn't enough, simply because it's there. It's also a word they have used in the past, as a couple, when they split up so maybe it was wedged in from that as much as anything.

 

Great reply Silk. Thank you.