Recognising your love, or 'settling'?

[Silly_Girl]

I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse.

 

There's no point in hiding my situation, it's all in my posts. I am in love with a married man, he has told his wife he is leaving and moving away to be with me.

 

The background of the marriage, broadly, is:

 

No sex life between them, ever

Solid friendship/companionship

Little emotional intimacy

Much conflict avoidance from both, long silences and strategies to prevent discussion or too much time together

Similar backgrounds and nature

Wife left husband to be with someone else for a year, her new relationship broke down, she returned to the marital home and they carried on as 'normal', she maintains close friendship with said married man

 

The wife in this situation is not behaving the way many betrayed spouses have reported on here; many have said 'I told him, you want her? Go and be with her....' etc.

 

However, this lady says that he can't possibly love me, she refuses to discuss me which makes it difficult for my guy because she will be derisive about the relationship we have, but would leave the room rather than hear the reality of the situation. And that's her pregrogative, and I can see that point of view. It's not how I would be, but that doesn't mean it's wrong, she's obviously hurting.

 

She is being super-nice, as if the last x amount of years have never happened. She always said he could never find someone else, no one would have him, and now he has she refuses to accept he is going. Which he is. He's moving somewhere temporarily anyway and is spending long weekends with me.

 

She talks a lot of what they 'have', in terms of routines, a clean, tidy, nice home, stability (I think that's subjective to be honest) and is amazed he could give 'all that' up for a different relationship. Her assumption is that he's leaving so he can have sex; that's definitely a factor but we are not at all together purely for physical gratification.

 

What I am trying hard to understand (and may never be able to) is how much of her reaction is shock, or attempting to maintain the status quo; and how much is genuine emotion.

 

She has been more forthcoming in the last week, in respect of how she feels about her husband and what he means to her, than she has in ten years (he is her 'life' she says, for example....). She is almost begging him to spare time to spend with her. I suppose I am finding it hard to understand - or am I? I can see how it is, when you're in that situation. I was cheated on, I took back someone I should not have done because I struggled to cope with the change and the hurt etc. But for a long time (several years) she has behaved in a way that really doesn't suggest she really has the feelings for her husband she now claims she does.

 

She has been unhappy with him for many, many years, and now says she is 'happy'. I asked him what he was doing differently, what has changed, he said nothing - if anything he is even less of a husband than he was. Which led me to wonder if she was merely 'settling', having accepted that this is the best they will have. Which is what he did a long time ago, until he met me. And that could be a grossly unfair assertion.

 

It would be unfair to say she's turned over a new leaf overnight. This is a big change, but it has been coming for some time. Basically the more independent her husband appeared to be (as a result of his relationship with me) the more relaxed and friendly she became. I think she picked up on something, even if she didn't know what it was.

 

It's so easy for me to be cynical, obviously; a lot of the plus points of their set-up appear to be routine, history and convenience - none of which I value as highly as others might. So I wondered if anyone could share their own experiences if it would help me to get my head around her reactions; I'd like to understand, if I can and would be grateful for any assistance

Edited September 13, 2010 by Silly_Girl

[Owl]

One question I would have for you is the source of your information on their marriage, and all the details you quoted.

 

If it's all pretty much from him...remember he's got a vested interest in how this all appears to you...so the accuracy might be a question.

 

While I've seen people remain in some pretty bad relationships, it seems unlikely that they would have stayed together nearly as long as they have, given what you've described.

 

But...even given that...there's really just no way for you or anyone else to know what she's really thinking/feeling/intending right now. We LS'ers could hazard a guess...but it would be just a guess, based on suspect third-hand information.

 

I can tell you that I never said "if you want him, you can have him"...

 

I made it very clear to my wife that I was fighting to save our marriage. But...at the same time, I drew some very clear "lines in the sand". Had she gotten on the plane to go see him that Friday...there would be no home left here for her. She would never be welcomed back, would have never been allowed in my life in any fashion again. She'd have made her choice to be with him...thereby denying any chance of having me in her life in any fashion ever again.

 

Harsh...but I meant it.

 

In your situation, it could have been a "wake up call" for her...and the changes she's making could be very real, very tangible.

 

She might be 'faking it' to see what happens.

 

He could be lying about any aspect in the whole thing, thereby throwing the whole thing into uncharted territory.

 

I'd suggest this...stop worrying about her. HE is the one who has to decide what he's doing from here, and back up those decisions with actions. You decide what you'll accept in your life, and insist on what you need to make that happen.

 

Let him sort out what he's got to do from there to make it happen...or not.

[datura_noir]

Whether or not both H and W want to admit it, there is a bond. Not talking about kids or a house or finances, but something intangible that cannot ever be seen from the outside looking in. Something that made them want the kids and the house and the life. It is what brought them together at the beginning. People don't really marry "just because". And people grow and change over time. But the initial bond still exists.

 

Many WS's rewrite their marital history; and many FWS's rewrite their affair history. That's just the way it is.

 

They are going through turmoil and upheaval and with his affair and you two still talking, he has another "life" to escape to and paint himself as the victim. You are his cheerleader; I can tell by your posts that he is slowly manipulating you into casting his wife as the big bad wolf. This post of yours proves it, as it is all about her. He has successfully triangulated the situation, and will let you two hash it out...

 

He also probably tells her some not-so-nice things about you, or some private things about you that you would rather he didn't. It keeps the spark going.

 

If you can disengage, you will find a great peace of mind. If it's meant to be, he will find you AFTER his divorce, and AFTER a minimum of 6 months of introspection. If you are afraid of losing him with this method, then how secure are you about this R anyways??

[Silly_Girl]

Whether or not both H and W want to admit it, there is a bond. Not talking about kids or a house or finances, but something intangible that cannot ever be seen from the outside looking in. Something that made them want the kids and the house and the life. It is what brought them together at the beginning. People don't really marry "just because". And people grow and change over time. But the initial bond still exists.

 

Many WS's rewrite their marital history; and many FWS's rewrite their affair history. That's just the way it is.

 

They are going through turmoil and upheaval and with his affair and you two still talking, he has another "life" to escape to and paint himself as the victim. You are his cheerleader; I can tell by your posts that he is slowly manipulating you into casting his wife as the big bad wolf. This post of yours proves it, as it is all about her. He has successfully triangulated the situation, and will let you two hash it out...

 

He also probably tells her some not-so-nice things about you, or some private things about you that you would rather he didn't. It keeps the spark going.

 

If you can disengage, you will find a great peace of mind. If it's meant to be, he will find you AFTER his divorce, and AFTER a minimum of 6 months of introspection. If you are afraid of losing him with this method, then how secure are you about this R anyways??

 

There's no kids (obviously) and no joint finances except mortgage. Appreciate you replying. Find it difficult to understand how you know my situation of 12 months better than I, unless you're the wife?!!

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's so easy for me to be cynical, obviously; a lot of the plus points of their set-up appear to be routine, history and convenience - none of which I value as highly as others might. So I wondered if anyone could share their own experiences if it would help me to get my head around her reactions; I'd like to understand, if I can and would be grateful for any assistance

 

Ok... I don't usually open up about this... but I think it will help you understand.

 

I had a marriage like that once. I did everything in my power to fix it and still she was cold to me. I mean ICE cold. I was young and not too bright so it really didn't take more than a year and I got involved with another woman.

 

The absolute moment my xWife found out it was a complete 180. The things she said mirror what your MM's wife is saying right now. I was really ecstatic that I had back the woman I had dated, so I dumped the OW. It lasted 1 month. No joke, as soon as she knew for sure I had dumped the OW it was back to pure ICE.

 

You need to let him know right now! To his wife this is now a competition to see who can win him. If she wins... it's back to treating him like crap. Don't let him fall for it. He needs to make sure and Ditch the Bit**.

 

If you need more info feel free to PM me.

[Silly_Girl]

One question I would have for you is the source of your information on their marriage, and all the details you quoted.

 

If it's all pretty much from him...remember he's got a vested interest in how this all appears to you...so the accuracy might be a question.

 

I am happy to go with the overall picture as I understand it. I've no reason not to and it's been a year. But I appreciate it's hard to respond to these types of posts without the point being made. I can't convey to you why I believe him, so I'll just leave it that I do.

 

While I've seen people remain in some pretty bad relationships, it seems unlikely that they would have stayed together nearly as long as they have, given what you've described.

 

I did 8 yrs of being cheated on and physically and emotionally abused. I can hardly judge someone for staying for dull and unfulfilling, can I?!

 

But...even given that...there's really just no way for you or anyone else to know what she's really thinking/feeling/intending right now. We LS'ers could hazard a guess...but it would be just a guess, based on suspect third-hand information.

 

I can tell you that I never said "if you want him, you can have him"...

 

I've seen it on here many times (all/mainly women, I think).

 

I made it very clear to my wife that I was fighting to save our marriage. But...at the same time, I drew some very clear "lines in the sand". Had she gotten on the plane to go see him that Friday...there would be no home left here for her. She would never be welcomed back, would have never been allowed in my life in any fashion again. She'd have made her choice to be with him...thereby denying any chance of having me in her life in any fashion ever again.

 

Harsh...but I meant it.

 

I imagine that being much closer to my own reaction, were I in those shoes.

 

In your situation, it could have been a "wake up call" for her...and the changes she's making could be very real, very tangible.

 

She might be 'faking it' to see what happens.

 

I think it must be very scary for her, so even if she's 'faking it', the upset and shock might mean she truly means what she's saying. But whether she could suddenly change, maintain that, and create a magic they've not had before... seems a big ask. And sounds exhausting to be honest.

 

He could be lying about any aspect in the whole thing, thereby throwing the whole thing into uncharted territory.

 

I'd suggest this...stop worrying about her. HE is the one who has to decide what he's doing from here, and back up those decisions with actions. You decide what you'll accept in your life, and insist on what you need to make that happen.

 

Thanks, I'm fine where I am, I'm just genuinely interested in understanding the situation better. My personal situation(s) were very different.

 

Let him sort out what he's got to do from there to make it happen...or not.

 

Thanks for replying.

[Silly_Girl]

Ok... I don't usually open up about this... but I think it will help you understand.

 

I had a marriage like that once. I did everything in my power to fix it and still she was cold to me. I mean ICE cold. I was young and not too bright so it really didn't take more than a year and I got involved with another woman.

 

The absolute moment my xWife found out it was a complete 180. The things she said mirror what your MM's wife is saying right now. I was really ecstatic that I had back the woman I had dated, so I dumped the OW. It lasted 1 month. No joke, as soon as she knew for sure I had dumped the OW it was back to pure ICE.

 

You need to let him know right now! To his wife this is now a competition to see who can win him. If she wins... it's back to treating him like crap. Don't let him fall for it. He needs to make sure and Ditch the Bit**.

 

If you need more info feel free to PM me.

 

Thank you for sharing, that sounds like a difficult situation. I have a close friend who is adamant this (what you describe) is what is happening, but I'm trying to keep an open mind and it's easy to see so many different views on a same situation...

[wheelwright]

There's no kids (obviously) and no joint finances except mortgage. Appreciate you replying. Find it difficult to understand how you know my situation of 12 months better than I, unless you're the wife?!!

 

Hi SG

 

This all sounds a bit drawn out for you (((hugs))).

 

I think Datura was just trying to show you a possible other side of the picture, which as you know from experience, is a wise thing to keep in mind.

 

Because you don't know all sides and never will, whether you end up with MM or not.

 

Perhaps his W is in a huge crisis? And this is her way of dealing. And one thing is sure, she knows at least some of her H's nature inside out, and may know instinctively how to play this the way she wants, to get what she wants, even in crisis.

 

Her behaviour may sound odd, but in another way it's quite rational. Like she thinks if she labels him as someone who isn't really going to leave, he won't. It works, sometimes. (Labelling theory).

 

But it sounds at the moment like he has moved beyond this, and so has escaped those labelling shackles. Unless she's right! Or unless her label fits. I think in this case, no kids, he will feel awful if she doesn't want him to leave, but leave he will. But that's just my interpretation.

 

Good luck sweetie,

 

WW

[jennie-jennie]

Ok... I don't usually open up about this... but I think it will help you understand.

 

I had a marriage like that once. I did everything in my power to fix it and still she was cold to me. I mean ICE cold. I was young and not too bright so it really didn't take more than a year and I got involved with another woman.

 

The absolute moment my xWife found out it was a complete 180. The things she said mirror what your MM's wife is saying right now. I was really ecstatic that I had back the woman I had dated, so I dumped the OW. It lasted 1 month. No joke, as soon as she knew for sure I had dumped the OW it was back to pure ICE.

 

You need to let him know right now! To his wife this is now a competition to see who can win him. If she wins... it's back to treating him like crap. Don't let him fall for it. He needs to make sure and Ditch the Bit**.

 

If you need more info feel free to PM me.

 

I have lived the above down to the last detail. Down to the "It lasted 1 month." It is very likely this is the scenario in your case too, SG.

[datura_noir]

I appreciate your reply to my post, and given the new info (no kids or finances) I really think I can relate better, as my H and I were in that same boat. No kids, no assets ( a shared bank account that was always teetering), and we weren't even married..which leads me to this:

 

There must be more to their relationship than meets the eye. Why a OP cannot admit this is puzzling. I can admit my FWH had feelings, and might have loved his OW, what is so scary about admitting that he has the same feelings for his W?

 

Competition is a factor when there are women involved. Women are way more competitive than men, but go about it in a catty, sniping and patronizing way; she may feel threatened by you. But, just by posting here all about her and her motives, shows that you are just as competitive?? The sad part is, the MM has fueled this competition from the get-go. Whether consciously or not.

 

My H told the OW that I had cheated on him; it was an absolute lie, derived out of desperation and fueled by whiskey, designed to make him look like the poor BS, so used and taken advantage of by me, that she was his his best friend and his shoulder.

 

I just wanted you to see the other side.

 

BTW, my husband registered here, and he said he did post a response to someones thread a few days back, so maybe he will see yours and reply. I don't know his username, nor do I want to. He deserves his privacy in that area.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi SG

 

This all sounds a bit drawn out for you (((hugs))).

 

I think Datura was just trying to show you a possible other side of the picture, which as you know from experience, is a wise thing to keep in mind.

 

Because you don't know all sides and never will, whether you end up with MM or not.

 

Perhaps his W is in a huge crisis? And this is her way of dealing. And one thing is sure, she knows at least some of her H's nature inside out, and may know instinctively how to play this the way she wants, to get what she wants, even in crisis.

 

Her behaviour may sound odd, but in another way it's quite rational. Like she thinks if she labels him as someone who isn't really going to leave, he won't. It works, sometimes. (Labelling theory).

 

But it sounds at the moment like he has moved beyond this, and so has escaped those labelling shackles. Unless she's right! Or unless her label fits. I think in this case, no kids, he will feel awful if she doesn't want him to leave, but leave he will. But that's just my interpretation.

 

Good luck sweetie,

 

WW

 

Thanks WW, you're right, I think it's because I always have my own 'skeptic on my shoulder' that I do the rounds with, that I find it hard when it feels that people are telling me I don't know how things are Was I defensive.. again?

 

It's not really drawn out. It's only been a week and a bit. And he's not dealt with it as cleanly as he could have done, by saying previously he was going and then not. I think she thought they'd got a reprieve for a while.

 

WW, the bolded (by me). Many people have said this to me, and I've not really taken it on board, but I guess I should. It's natural. He and I have so much good stuff, but I wouldn't know how best to get what I want, for example. I told him to go back and talk to her because I don't want it to be whoever 'shouts loudest'. I want him to do things properly because he wants to. And because he owes her that. But she is sending very mixed messages (move out/stay, don't speak to me/hug me...) possibly even she doesn't know how she feels/what she wants.

 

And I definitely hadn't thought of Labelling. And now you've mentioned it, I can see it clearly - not necessarily this week, but over other things. Fascinating.

 

Many thanks!

[wheelwright]

WW, the bolded (by me). Many people have said this to me, and I've not really taken it on board, but I guess I should. It's natural. He and I have so much good stuff, but I wouldn't know how best to get what I want, for example. I told him to go back and talk to her because I don't want it to be whoever 'shouts loudest'. I want him to do things properly because he wants to. And because he owes her that. But she is sending very mixed messages (move out/stay, don't speak to me/hug me...) possibly even she doesn't know how she feels/what she wants.

 

 

 

I felt like this. And I think it's important too! It's not a cat fight, it's about decisions!

[Silly_Girl]

10 characters....

 

I appreciate your reply to my post, and given the new info (no kids or finances) I really think I can relate better, as my H and I were in that same boat. No kids, no assets ( a shared bank account that was always teetering), and we weren't even married..which leads me to this:

 

There must be more to their relationship than meets the eye.

 

Why? Why can it not be that they gravitated towards each other, met needs in each other, everyone else was settling down, they loved one another, and settled down also. But that 'love', for both of them, turned out to be much less than each had hoped for. And now they have a long-standing friendship, or routine.

 

Why a OP cannot admit this is puzzling. I can admit my FWH had feelings, and might have loved his OW, what is so scary about admitting that he has the same feelings for his W?

 

My guy has talked about the feeling between them. But it's now extremely sibling/parental, not H&W or lovers-friends. I understand. I had the same once. I am not scared of that at all. Not sure why you say I am. Remember, one can never convey an entire situation/relationship/period of history in one opening post.

 

Competition is a factor when there are women involved. Women are way more competitive than men, but go about it in a catty, sniping and patronizing way; she may feel threatened by you. But, just by posting here all about her and her motives, shows that you are just as competitive?? The sad part is, the MM has fueled this competition from the get-go. Whether consciously or not.

 

If you wish to believe that I am partaking in some sort of competition, that's up to you. Sure says more about you than it does about me. I don't need to share the details of the nightmares I've had that centre around his wife, and her hurt and the lies and deceit, and the info I've shared with him about how they could possibly salvage something, or where they may be able to start. Or the nights I've barely slept, particularly the first time he stayed with me with her knowledge and the darkness I thought she may well be experiencing. I'm trying to understand better whether people (women?) would ever just say 'that'll do me, that's better than nothing - forget I've not been happy for years', or whether this really is as big in her life as she's saying and some real re-evaluation has taken place (there's lots of recriminations I've chosen not to share here).

 

I hear all the time that we should judge people by their actions and if that's so then she really has zero respect or love for her husband. But I don't think it's simple as that.

 

My H told the OW that I had cheated on him; it was an absolute lie, derived out of desperation and fueled by whiskey, designed to make him look like the poor BS, so used and taken advantage of by me, that she was his his best friend and his shoulder.

 

Yes, thanks, have verified some major facts by other means.

 

I just wanted you to see the other side.

 

Thanks, but I was really interested in was whether those who'd been there could identify with the situation and whether it was a massive watershed that led to them re-discovering their feelings that had possibly been buried for many years.

 

BTW, my husband registered here, and he said he did post a response to someones thread a few days back, so maybe he will see yours and reply. I don't know his username, nor do I want to. He deserves his privacy in that area.

[Silly_Girl]

I have lived the above down to the last detail. Down to the "It lasted 1 month." It is very likely this is the scenario in your case too, SG.

 

Have you??! Wow. A friend of mine who I consider to be wise and have lived more relationship scenarios than I have is sure that this is a temporary strategy to get over the hump, and it would all be swept under their enormous rug and go back to the bare minimum again.

 

To be honest, j-j, if I DID know which it was it wouldn't change my behaviour, but I find myself wondering how her words now can seem so contrary to her actions for so long.

[datura_noir]

I think it is important to remember, that when you have been betrayed by the one you love, your emotions run from one end of the world to another. I never knew if I was coming or going. BS's aren't Buddhas or Ghandis, and why anyone expects them to act with the utmost grace and dignity in these situations is puzzling. If she did not care at all about him, she would welcome the OP and move on. But her reactions (go/stay/love/hate) show the enourmous emotional investment and the breaking of her heart that she is experiencing. Sometimes, you want to push those away that have hurt you to show the upper hand. Especially if you have been deeply hurt before.

 

I am trying to make you see that HE is the one creating this mess, coming to you to tell her secrets and her motivations, and by being his confidante/lover during this time, HE is fueling the competition, not SHE.

 

Step away; if the love is meant to be, it will outlast the time and the distance. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.

[wheelwright]

I think it is important to remember, that when you have been betrayed by the one you love, your emotions run from one end of the world to another. I never knew if I was coming or going. BS's aren't Buddhas or Ghandis, and why anyone expects them to act with the utmost grace and dignity in these situations is puzzling. If she did not care at all about him, she would welcome the OP and move on. But her reactions (go/stay/love/hate) show the enourmous emotional investment and the breaking of her heart that she is experiencing. Sometimes, you want to push those away that have hurt you to show the upper hand. Especially if you have been deeply hurt before.

 

I am trying to make you see that HE is the one creating this mess, coming to you to tell her secrets and her motivations, and by being his confidante/lover during this time, HE is fueling the competition, not SHE.

 

Step away; if the love is meant to be, it will outlast the time and the distance. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.

 

I think the wisdom in this post answers the OP very fully.

 

I also think it is humble, succinct, and deeply moving.

 

The bolded bit speaks volumes, whether you are BS or OW/OM.

 

And the message - step away. It breaks my heart to think of people stepping away in this scenario. But the reason to do this speaks louder than my heartbreak.

 

But I am also reminded of a post by summerbreeze, where the BS did step aside, rather than the OW. Because the BS could see it was in the best interest of the WS.

[Silly_Girl]

I think it is important to remember, that when you have been betrayed by the one you love, your emotions run from one end of the world to another. I never knew if I was coming or going. BS's aren't Buddhas or Ghandis, and why anyone expects them to act with the utmost grace and dignity in these situations is puzzling.

 

Didn't say I did expect that..?!

 

If she did not care at all about him, she would welcome the OP and move on.

 

And some could say if she DID care about the relationship she wouldn't have consistently put another relationship first. I don't think it's as simple as you state. I don't think hardly any of these situations are simple. Except to spectators.

 

But her reactions (go/stay/love/hate) show the enourmous emotional investment and the breaking of her heart that she is experiencing. Sometimes, you want to push those away that have hurt you to show the upper hand. Especially if you have been deeply hurt before.

 

To my knowledge, the one who hurt her deeply before is the man who would not leave his family and make a home with her, so she returned to her husband. Perhaps this is a factor for her now.

 

I am trying to make you see

 

you are trying to make me see my situation more clearly... Okay!

 

that HE is the one creating this mess, coming to you to tell her secrets and her motivations, and by being his confidante/lover during this time, HE is fueling the competition, not SHE.

 

Where does her 'friend' come in to this then please? As you know the situation so well... how does he fare here? Does he play no part in the 'mess'? I assume there is no competition between the men, just women?

 

Step away; if the love is meant to be, it will outlast the time and the distance. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.

 

Thanks for your opinion in the last para. Not useful advice for me personally right now, but I'm sure there are others reading who may find it appropriate.

 

When you were the BS did you want to fight for what you felt you were losing? Or where you accepting of what was happening? Would you have been happy to continue the relationship with no counselling and no promises of renewed faithfulness/commitment?

[Silly_Girl]

And the message - step away. It breaks my heart to think of people stepping away in this scenario. But the reason to do this speaks louder than my heartbreak.

QUOTE]

 

I stepped away, more than once, and offered to again a little over 24 hours ago. We managed 6 weeks apart at one point. We're not prepared to do it. But if he told me he wanted to pursue happiness with her (even though he regrets getting married) I'd be gone in an instant.

 

I will be happy... If they really are meant to be together I'll walk away and I'll make happiness for myself elsewhere.

 

But it's not really on topic so I'll leave it there.

[wheelwright]

And the message - step away. It breaks my heart to think of people stepping away in this scenario. But the reason to do this speaks louder than my heartbreak.

QUOTE]

 

I stepped away, more than once, and offered to again a little over 24 hours ago. We managed 6 weeks apart at one point. We're not prepared to do it. But if he told me he wanted to pursue happiness with her (even though he regrets getting married) I'd be gone in an instant.

 

I will be happy... If they really are meant to be together I'll walk away and I'll make happiness for myself elsewhere.

 

But it's not really on topic so I'll leave it there.

 

I wish you all the best SG. I am responding to you, DN, and my own history all together! You know more than anyone else who posts here about your situation, and I'm sure you will come out OK.

 

I think this is a real 'brink' point for you, and I hope it turns out well.

 

This perhaps isn't the time for advice about his W. That's up to him. What about you?

 

It sounds like 'change is gonna come' and good luck to you.

[Silly_Girl]

 

I wish you all the best SG. I am responding to you, DN, and my own history all together! You know more than anyone else who posts here about your situation, and I'm sure you will come out OK.

 

I think this is a real 'brink' point for you, and I hope it turns out well.

 

This perhaps isn't the time for advice about his W. That's up to him. What about you?

 

It sounds like 'change is gonna come' and good luck to you.

 

Thanks WW, for the good wishes. I feel this stuff. I've never once got the slightest bit of a buzz out of 'banging someone's husband'. He and I go through cycles of really struggling with the deceit/betrayal thing, and our timing often doesn't match one another's so it can be interesting!!!

 

I'm going to be fine. I was just surprised by events. My Mystic Meg prediction is that she tries to have sex with him for the first time.... I know that what will be, will be. It's just hard (as you know!!) to shut one's mind off to these things. I'm not frightened that she could 'win him back'. If what they have is worth fighting for they both must do that, together.

[SidLyon]

I'm interested to hear from folks who have been cheated on and then felt adamant they want to stay with the wayward spouse...

 

I can't specifically relate to all the facts you have given about the BW as many don't apply to me. For instance I have never cheated on my H. I also understand you to be saying that your MM and his wife have never ever had sex! Unless I've misunderstood, that must be so extraordinarily rare as to be almost unique; but maybe you meant they no longer have sex.

 

But nevertheless I'm a BW who wanted to stay with my H despite the complete devastation caused by d-day. However it was like a roller-coaster so some days I was "adamant" as you put it and other days I raged at him to get out of my life.

 

What I am trying hard to understand (and may never be able to) is how much of her reaction is shock, or attempting to maintain the status quo; and how much is genuine emotion...

 

It was all "genuine emotion" and that included shock; that sadly is the nature of the roller-coaster. On the days I wanted to stay married then I suppose you could say it was trying to maintain the status quo but what I really wanted was a happy marriage with no infidelity. But we had missed that bus.

 

So I wondered if anyone could share their own experiences if it would help me to get my head around her reactions; I'd like to understand, if I can and would be grateful for any assistance

 

I trust you are being sincere when you say this.

 

Have you??! I find myself wondering how her words now can seem so contrary to her actions for so long.

 

There was a big mismatch between the actions and words of my fWH; and the way you describe it there is with your MM too, especially towards and concerning his BW. As for his BW I'm not sure how much direct experience you have of her words and actions. Just be careful if your knowledge of her words and actions is being filtered by him.

 

Thanks, but I was really interested in was whether those who'd been there could identify with the situation and whether it was a massive watershed that led to them re-discovering their feelings that had possibly been buried for many years..

 

Yes I can identify with the situation (but not all the specific facts). D-day changes everything. I think it would be fair to say that me and my fWH have rediscovered feelings (buried but by no means dead) for each other and we've both realised how precious what we have is. It was a massive watershed that's for sure.

[wheelwright]

Oh blimey, I hope that sex with the W doesn't happen, for your sake.

 

That this is one possible fear for you, makes me think you should pay some credence to Dat. N.'s posts.

 

I won't say keep your fingers crossed. Just that you should keep your wits about you, your resolutions strong, and your love conditional (at least to some degree!)

 

A friend of mine always says 'protect yourself'.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh blimey, I hope that sex with the W doesn't happen, for your sake.

 

That this is one possible fear for you, makes me think you should pay some credence to Dat. N.'s posts.

 

I won't say keep your fingers crossed. Just that you should keep your wits about you, your resolutions strong, and your love conditional (at least to some degree!)

 

A friend of mine always says 'protect yourself'.

 

Oh god no!! That's not a fear of mine at all. It's just something I feel she MAY try and resort to. Maybe not. It's just so sad really, to even be saying/thinking these things. He would not be up for that AT ALL and I hope for her sake she doesn't. Apparently she had a sexual relationship with someone else so she must possess a level of interest....

 

It's just that she has said some shocking things (shan't post here) that made me feel she wants the relationship to continue at any cost. In many ways she's extremely level-headed and a very intelligent woman. But feelings take over for most of us at one time or another.

 

But no, if my wording wasn't clear I apologise but I have no concerns there. I can't guess what more she may offer/suggest.

[wheelwright]

I can't guess what more she may offer/suggest.

 

My BH was quite uncharacteristic in his stipulations post DDay.

 

And he wanted to keep me, especially in the face of a 'usurper'

 

He said he would never speak to me again if I went on to have a R with xMOM. He basically said he would hate me forever, make life more difficult for me (re finance and kids) and generally hate me.

 

And that he would abandon our kids. (I felt this was more a threat. I hope).

 

So quite harsh, then.

Edited September 14, 2010 by wheelwright

[strawberrysprinkles]

He is setting you up. He complains about the marriage up to the time to take action, and then starts telling you the BS is fighting for him. He is feeding you the info on the BS so he has an excuse not to take that action he promised you he would take.

 

I'm sorry you are too close to the situation to see it.

 

And by the way, I have noticed that allot of your responses are defensive. Why did you ask for advise if you didn't want the answers.

 

From experience I can tell you that you might be shocked at the lengths a BS will go thru to save the marriage. No matter what state it is in.

Edited September 14, 2010 by strawberrysprinkles