Completing his divorce

[jennie-jennie]

jennie - you know what the problem is... that is why she's is here asking.

 

your MM may be a bit different than others.

 

from what Mombot has said - this MM hasn't promised her anything except to wait another 3 years to see when he gets divorced - and has lied to her and keeps her a secret... what is it about that which she should be happy about?

 

i can't see how any of that would be even remotely happy.

 

I object to my MM being different than others. He is the typical MM engaged in a long term affair.

 

My MM hasn't promised me anything either. It looks to me like Mombot has a lot more to hold on to in that regard than I do.

 

Mombot said 2 years and nine weeks, which is far from being 3 years. I think that is a reasonable amount of time to wait and see if you are enjoying the relationship meanwhile.

 

I think Mombot's biggest problem is talking to the people on LS who are confusing her about what is in her best interest. Her daughter who knows Mombot personally has clearly stated that she believes Mombot is happier with this MM than without him.

[jennie-jennie]

jennie - you know what the problem is... that is why she's is here asking.

 

your MM may be a bit different than others.

 

from what Mombot has said - this MM hasn't promised her anything except to wait another 3 years to see when he gets divorced - and has lied to her and keeps her a secret... what is it about that which she should be happy about?

 

i can't see how any of that would be even remotely happy.

 

Perhaps this is why BSs have such a problem understanding why an OW would want to remain in the affair, they do not understand what there is to be happy about. Perhaps many BSs value other things in relationships than many OW do.

 

If you (general you) don't understand what there is to be happy about in an extramarital relationship, you really are in no position to give advice to an OW.

 

Had there not been so much to enjoy, the OW wouldn't be an OW to begin with.

[whichwayisup]

Noone is right and noone is wrong. Everybody has their opinion, and can share with..The OP doesn't seem confused.. An OW, an OM, a BS, or anyone passing through this section of LS is allowed to reply and give their advice. Noone has the right to tell them not to post, or to be accused of 'confusing' the OP, which to me, doesn't seem confused. She knows deep down what she feels and i doubt very much one or two posts is going to influence her if it goes against the grain.

 

Many OW eventually don't want to BE and STAY the OW because they feel they want more. Jennie-J you seem to be the exception and have accepted your role as the OW, and are happy and at peace with it. Not all OW are like that. Many realize they don't want to settle, to stay in the A for years and years, settling for less, giving up an opportunity to start a family, create a life with someone. This isn't just about "love" and being with that person ,reguardless if they are married or not.

 

Also, why is it okay for you to share your views, encourage the OP to stay in the A when she is clearly hurting and the MM has been lying and omitting stuff from her, and someone else tells her to end it, isn't OK?

 

So what if the daughter says her mom is happier with the MM in her life. I hightly doubt that daughter has seen her mom crying, or hurting.

 

I like to smoke, I enjoy it.. It makes me happy..So should everybody encourage me to not quit because I love it? Or is it wrong of those who care around here to try to help me see that it is bad for me and my health.

 

Had there not been so much to enjoy, the OW wouldn't be an OW to begin with.

 

Depends on the situation and the OW. Some OW have better affairs than others. Again, you seem to be an exception and one of the few who have a MM who treats you well. Lots of OW around here don't have the 80% of happiness you have. Many have less than 60% of happiness and the bad outweighs the good. You handle it well, others don't. Others have changed who they are to stay in the A. You may be proud of the fact that you feel you can have a man whom you love even though he's married, but lots of OW feel differently.

[jennie-jennie]

Noone is right and noone is wrong. Everybody has their opinion, and can share with..The OP doesn't seem confused.. An OW, an OM, a BS, or anyone passing through this section of LS is allowed to reply and give their advice. Noone has the right to tell them not to post, or to be accused of 'confusing' the OP, which to me, doesn't seem confused. She knows deep down what she feels and i doubt very much one or two posts is going to influence her if it goes against the grain.

 

Many OW eventually don't want to BE and STAY the OW because they feel they want more. Jennie-J you seem to be the exception and have accepted your role as the OW, and are happy and at peace with it. Not all OW are like that. Many realize they don't want to settle, to stay in the A for years and years, settling for less, giving up an opportunity to start a family, create a life with someone. This isn't just about "love" and being with that person ,reguardless if they are married or not.

 

Also, why is it okay for you to share your views, encourage the OP to stay in the A when she is clearly hurting and the MM has been lying and omitting stuff from her, and someone else tells her to end it, isn't OK?

 

So what if the daughter says her mom is happier with the MM in her life. I hightly doubt that daughter has seen her mom crying, or hurting.

 

I like to smoke, I enjoy it.. It makes me happy..So should everybody encourage me to not quit because I love it? Or is it wrong of those who care around here to try to help me see that it is bad for me and my health.

 

 

 

Depends on the situation and the OW. Some OW have better affairs than others. Again, you seem to be an exception and one of the few who have a MM who treats you well. Lots of OW around here don't have the 80% of happiness you have. Many have less than 60% of happiness and the bad outweighs the good. You handle it well, others don't. Others have changed who they are to stay in the A. You may be proud of the fact that you feel you can have a man whom you love even though he's married, but lots of OW feel differently.

 

I strongly object to being made out to be different than other OW, to have a situation different than other OW, to have a MM different than other MM. Mine is the typical long term affair.

 

The only difference is that I have made peace where I am at. Something it is possible for any OW to do. That is the message I want to convey. That if you want to stay in the affair you can, and you can be happy doing it.

 

I in no way stated that not everybody has the right to post and voice their opinions on LS. Perhaps my English did not come across well since English is my second language? What I meant was that lacking experience of being the OW makes it difficult for posters to give advice which takes into account the complex situation of the OW.

 

I don't know about Mombot's daughter of course. But my daughters certainly have seen me cry because of my MM, they have seen me lay paralyzed in bed due to NC, they have looked at my face and known immediately that I was having trouble in my love relationship with my MM. They know me, they read me, they can sense every little change in my facial expressions and body language. Most likely this is true of Mombot and her daughter as well.

 

I too want more. I am happy with what I have but I want more. I unfortunately realize that the risk is great I will never get what I want, but as of now being in an extramarital relationship is well worth it even if I never get the "more" I so desire.

 

I do have my kids, I do have my house, I do have a regular fixed income. I am not subtracting to my life by being engaged with my MM, I am adding to it.

 

I believe Mombat is at the same stage of life as I am. She needs to consider if the benefits of being with her MM outweigh the consequences. The pro-con ratio. Only she can decide that. To be able to make the best decision possible for herself it is important that she hears the opinion of those who tell her no choice she makes is wrong as long as she is being true to herself.

 

Being an OW is not like smoking. Being an OW can be good for your mental, emotional and physical health. It differs from situation to situation. Each individual poster needs to figure out what is true in his/her case.

[bentnotbroken]

So nothing has really changed. He is still married, still using and still cheating. The only difference is a timeline that you still aren't sure what to think about it.

[Star_Bright]

I strongly object to being made out to be different than other OW, to have a situation different than other OW, to have a MM different than other MM. Mine is the typical long term affair.

 

The only difference is that I have made peace where I am at. Something it is possible for any OW to do. That is the message I want to convey. That if you want to stay in the affair you can, and you can be happy doing it.

 

I in no way stated that not everybody has the right to post and voice their opinions on LS. Perhaps my English did not come across well since English is my second language? What I meant was that lacking experience of being the OW makes it difficult for posters to give advice which takes into account the complex situation of the OW.

 

I don't know about Mombot's daughter of course. But my daughters certainly have seen me cry because of my MM, they have seen me lay paralyzed in bed due to NC, they have looked at my face and known immediately that I was having trouble in my love relationship with my MM. They know me, they read me, they can sense every little change in my facial expressions and body language. Most likely this is true of Mombot and her daughter as well.

 

I too want more. I am happy with what I have but I want more. I unfortunately realize that the risk is great I will never get what I want, but as of now being in an extramarital relationship is well worth it even if I never get the "more" I so desire.

 

I do have my kids, I do have my house, I do have a regular fixed income. I am not subtracting to my life by being engaged with my MM, I am adding to it.

 

I believe Mombat is at the same stage of life as I am. She needs to consider if the benefits of being with her MM outweigh the consequences. The pro-con ratio. Only she can decide that. To be able to make the best decision possible for herself it is important that she hears the opinion of those who tell her no choice she makes is wrong as long as she is being true to herself.

 

Being an OW is not like smoking. Being an OW can be good for your mental, emotional and physical health. It differs from situation to situation. Each individual poster needs to figure out what is true in his/her case.

 

Hi. I don't understand how lying in bed in pain as an OW is good for mental, emotional or physical health. ?

 

In my sitch I was not mentally, emotionally or physically happy being the OW. So now I'm working on getting out.

 

From reading this thread it sounds to me like Mombot is trying to be happy staying the OW but deep down she's really not.

 

Just my take. I have been trying to be happy lately and am wishing happines for everyone else.

[Brokenlady]

Mombot,

Whether he's telling the truth or not about his intentions, he's telling you he plans on doing nothing for at least 2 years. That says a lot. He obviously isn't THAT unhappy being M. And whatever financial benefit he supposes he'll gain is apparently more important than letting his W go and legiotimizing your R. Yuck.

 

I think Dexter is right, in many states his continued contributions to his retirement will continue to be marital property and therefore he's just ensuring he will end up paying her more - although in some places seperation date matters (ex: where I live, if a MM moves out on Monday and wins the lotto on tuesday, the money is his, not joint property UNLESS at any point before the D they reconcile -for even a day. Arguments of whether they were actually seperated and whether they ever got back together can be argued forever as it's basically he-said, she-said.)

 

This all has a yucky feel to it. How do you feel about the fact that he is insisting on staying M and presumably will try to coax his W into not filing for D for at least 2 years? The latter is what would really bother me most. It sounds as though he's presenting this to you as if it's the logical thing to do and you should just understand. Is he really that blind to why this is so wrong on so many levels? If so, is that really what you want?

[Dexter Morgan]

Mombot,

Whether he's telling the truth or not about his intentions, he's telling you he plans on doing nothing for at least 2 years. That says a lot. He obviously isn't THAT unhappy being M. And whatever financial benefit he supposes he'll gain is apparently more important than letting his W go and legiotimizing your R. Yuck.

 

I think Dexter is right, in many states his continued contributions to his retirement will continue to be marital property and therefore he's just ensuring he will end up paying her more

 

yup. thats exactly what will happen unless he stops putting into the retirement account.

 

but then again, it will just be more money in a regular savings/retirement, or wherever that she will be entitled to half of.

 

I think this was just wishful thinking on MB's part. She already wanted to rub his wife's nose in it, now hopes she doesn't get what she is entitled to.

 

in the end it won't matter....wife will get her half..nothing H or MB can do to stop it. And she will deserve every penny.

 

 

- although in some places seperation date matters (ex: where I live, if a MM moves out on Monday and wins the lotto on tuesday, the money is his, not joint property UNLESS at any point before the D they reconcile -for even a day. Arguments of whether they were actually seperated and whether they ever got back together can be argued forever as it's basically he-said, she-said.)

 

I don't even think that matters. everything is marital property until the divorce is final unless a judge decrees that finances from a certain point on are seperate before the divorce.

Edited September 14, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[jennie-jennie]

Hi. I don't understand how lying in bed in pain as an OW is good for mental, emotional or physical health. ?

 

In my sitch I was not mentally, emotionally or physically happy being the OW. So now I'm working on getting out.

 

From reading this thread it sounds to me like Mombot is trying to be happy staying the OW but deep down she's really not.

 

Just my take. I have been trying to be happy lately and am wishing happines for everyone else.

 

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Then there is the overall effect of the relationship on your life. For me, our relationship has had far more positive effects than negative. I am in so much a better place today emotionally and mentally than I was when our relationship started.

 

To me it sounds like Mombot is generally happy about her relationship but worried about what the future contains.

[pureinheart]

Had a long discussion with separated man- he has a definite finish tp the marriage in mind. He will not finalize until he retires 2 years and nine weeks from now. He plans to quit working and not draw his retirement. He would use savings to live on and spin his cash down in case she likes things the way they are. That way she will get less.

He said he didn't want to say much before because that is a long time to wait.

He bought himself a corvette, used, 1700 miles on it on Sunday.

 

Hi MB,

 

Was SM advised not to D until retirement? I know exDM did a lot of the things your talking about here, like buying stuff.

 

I am not sure about Washington State, although in exDM's D he was told by the judge that neither of them could make large purchases, they could not sell anything...everything was on the basis of necessity, and it had to be proven. He was stuck paying everything for over two years.

 

She made herself look bad in the courts eyes by continuous irresponsibility and lying. Finally exDM told her he was going for everything , so she finally decided to settle. She got about 35% of what they had together, and cannot touch his SSI or pension.

 

Like I said, I am not sure of the rules there and hope I am not duplicating questions here, as I have not read many of the responses, although here (and this was unclear to me) I never did find out what the deal was as far as separation (one party removing themselves from the main residence), but this makes all the difference where I live.

 

I am thinking he is doing this due to his current income level, and retirement will reduce this...

 

Anyway, MB, what do YOU want ....if your a gambler, this is a longshot possibly...will he be ready to marry right after a D? Do you even care about getting M? The ball is in your court now and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing...

[pureinheart]

 

I don't even think that matters. everything is marital property until the divorce is final unless a judge decrees that finances from a certain point on are seperate before the divorce.

 

Doesn't this depend on the state that you live in, also I think the judge has the final word anyway, No?

 

I know in my state there is a definite cut off date, what I am not clear on is if that is at the time one party physically leaves the residence or the actual legal separation/D papers are filed.

 

Also want to add that if the marital couple has separate accounts, paying separate bills and separate other holdings EVEN during the M, the courts do see most as "separated" already, at least in my state.

[pureinheart]

I have been trying to be happy lately and am wishing happines for everyone else.

 

((((((((((hugs Star))))))))) and that is what you are , a star:)...well, I wish you happiness, BACKATCHA!!!!!!!!!

[fooled once]

FYI - if he's in CA - she can potentially still get half of his retirement money...

 

No just CA - many states are that way.

 

wrong. she is entitled to 1/2 the marital assets. doesn't matter if he quits working or draws from his retirement or not. She will get 1/2 of what has been accumulated during the marriage.

 

actually, waiting 2 more years while adding to retirement gets her more:)

 

And not only is she entitled to it, she deserves every penny.

 

yep!!

 

I object to my MM being different than others. He is the typical MM engaged in a long term affair.

 

My MM hasn't promised me anything either. It looks to me like Mombot has a lot more to hold on to in that regard than I do.

 

Mombot said 2 years and nine weeks, which is far from being 3 years. I think that is a reasonable amount of time to wait and see if you are enjoying the relationship meanwhile.

 

I think Mombot's biggest problem is talking to the people on LS who are confusing her about what is in her best interest. Her daughter who knows Mombot personally has clearly stated that she believes Mombot is happier with this MM than without him.

 

then why is she ON LS posting and asking opinions? That is what SHE chooses to do. Who cares what her daughter thinks - her daughter ISN'T in the relationship.

 

Noone is right and noone is wrong. Everybody has their opinion, and can share with..The OP doesn't seem confused.. An OW, an OM, a BS, or anyone passing through this section of LS is allowed to reply and give their advice. Noone has the right to tell them not to post, or to be accused of 'confusing' the OP, which to me, doesn't seem confused. She knows deep down what she feels and i doubt very much one or two posts is going to influence her if it goes against the grain.

 

Many OW eventually don't want to BE and STAY the OW because they feel they want more. Jennie-J you seem to be the exception and have accepted your role as the OW, and are happy and at peace with it. Not all OW are like that. Many realize they don't want to settle, to stay in the A for years and years, settling for less, giving up an opportunity to start a family, create a life with someone. This isn't just about "love" and being with that person ,reguardless if they are married or not.

 

Also, why is it okay for you to share your views, encourage the OP to stay in the A when she is clearly hurting and the MM has been lying and omitting stuff from her, and someone else tells her to end it, isn't OK?

 

So what if the daughter says her mom is happier with the MM in her life. I hightly doubt that daughter has seen her mom crying, or hurting.

 

I like to smoke, I enjoy it.. It makes me happy..So should everybody encourage me to not quit because I love it? Or is it wrong of those who care around here to try to help me see that it is bad for me and my health.

 

Depends on the situation and the OW. Some OW have better affairs than others. Again, you seem to be an exception and one of the few who have a MM who treats you well. Lots of OW around here don't have the 80% of happiness you have. Many have less than 60% of happiness and the bad outweighs the good. You handle it well, others don't. Others have changed who they are to stay in the A. You may be proud of the fact that you feel you can have a man whom you love even though he's married, but lots of OW feel differently.

 

Excellent post WWIU

 

So nothing has really changed. He is still married, still using and still cheating. The only difference is a timeline that you still aren't sure what to think about it.

 

Yep - no change except he has picked 2 years and 9 weeks and the countdown begins before he will even INITIATE a divorce which could take another couple years.

 

How is this any different than the other many posts Mombot has started regarding this 'relationship'.

 

Mombot, only YOU can decide if you want to stay in this 'relationship' or not. One minute you are looking at other guys and wanting to go on dates, the next you are willing to wait years for him. Only you can decide.

 

personally, if I were you - no way would I continue this. That's just me. I want and demand to be the ONLY woman in my partner's life.

[2sunny]

Mombot said 2 years and nine weeks, which is far from being 3 years. I think that is a reasonable amount of time to wait and see if you are enjoying the relationship meanwhile.

 

 

 

Yep - no change except he has picked 2 years and 9 weeks and the countdown begins before he will even INITIATE a divorce which could take another couple years.

 

 

this is why is say at least 3 years. he can start the divorce at 2+ years but it still takes additional time 6-12 months on the average - or up to a few years if they argue over things along the way... delays are the norm when they own "stuff" between the two of them... at times - the retirement money or selling property tend to be delayed more than anything.

 

since they have been separated so long - it may be useful to ask your MM specifically - IF they have made solid agreements on how they will divide their assets as of right now. if they haven't even talked about some of those bigger things that need to be divide and how that's going to go down - why not? it's been 9 years so far - what would the delay be in not having the plan ready to be executed? when is he planning to address it if he hasn't lined it all up ahead of time?

 

just some things to consider logistically, and things to ask him.

 

it takes longer than you think if you own things together. 2+ years could potentially turn into 6 more years... mine took three... and that was after we had it all started and time was rolling along, it just took 3 more years to get things sold and agree on what was what and who got what.

[aloneinthedark]

Ugh. Why does he want to "punish" his wife by making sure she gets less? What did she do wrong other than love him and marry his worthless ass????

[pureinheart]

Ugh. Why does he want to "punish" his wife by making sure she gets less? What did she do wrong other than love him and marry his worthless ass????

 

He may not be "punishing" anyone...there is a stigma based on fact that the "man" gets raked through the coals in a D.

 

Things have greatly changed and I don't think men have caught up with this yet.

 

As far as this man goes, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, or what did go on...I know of many abuses on both sides of the fence.

[Dexter Morgan]

Doesn't this depend on the state that you live in, also I think the judge has the final word anyway, No?

 

I know in my state there is a definite cut off date, what I am not clear on is if that is at the time one party physically leaves the residence or the actual legal separation/D papers are filed.

 

it probably does depend on the state. I did have a cutoff her in good old communist Illinois. But that was for any money that I brought into my checkbook and my seperated savings accounts. As far as 401K, it was the valuation on the day the divorce was final. But in my case that was only a few months difference.

 

In this situation, there aint gonna be a cutoff date, if there would be one, until this MM files for divorce.

 

Until then, he can think he is going to give his wife less money by waiting, but he'd be fooling himself.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ugh. Why does he want to "punish" his wife by making sure she gets less?

 

because he's an abusive jerk, thats why.

[Dexter Morgan]

He may not be "punishing" anyone...there is a stigma based on fact that the "man" gets raked through the coals in a D.

 

well when the man is cheating, he should get raked through the coals as far as I'm concerned. call it reparations for what I consider emotional abuse.

[Spark1111]

My fWS told his OW via text (The one I intercepted;)) that he wanted to reach his financial and parental goals and then take care of her and her young son forever.

 

He never alluded to a definitive time frame, but the tone told me it was a few years off.

 

Is this in the cheating MM handbook?

 

Did he think he could buy his way out our marriage?

 

He didn't have to, and I told him that on DDay.

 

Go get her! If I/we cannot afford this home, we will sell it! We will have a mediator divide assets equitably. I dont need your money. I make my own, remember?

 

You go your way, and I will go mine. I would live in a hovel rather than live with your cheating, lying azz.

 

He was stunned. He forgot who he married.

 

Do I think he told her that? That they were now free to be together forever?

 

Doubtful, very doubtful.

 

Mombot, be careful here.....please.

[whichwayisup]

You really want to know what goes on in his life, where goes, where he sleeps, etc, hire a PI. It's long distance affair, so you aren't close enough to check up on him.

 

He IS lying to you, more than you realize. Just wish you'd detach and take a step back, stop letting your emotions cloud reality.

[Ellin]

 

then why is she ON LS posting and asking opinions? That is what SHE chooses to do. Who cares what her daughter thinks - her daughter ISN'T in the relationship.

 

 

Well, I'd think Mombot cares what her daughter thinks and her daughter cares what Mombot is going through and has her best interest at heart.

 

Her daughter knows more about the situation than anyone on LS and Mombot knows all about her daughter - contrary to the starngers in the virtual world, where anyone can masquerade as anything and not necessarily having genuine intentions.

 

But you're right in one point - Mombot keeps posting and asking. She only knows why but maybe it's because so much doubt has been planted in her mind here on LS and she needs to deal with that somehow.

 

I really can't understand why her posts keep getting ripped apart like that.

[Ellin]

You really want to know what goes on in his life, where goes, where he sleeps, etc, hire a PI. It's long distance affair, so you aren't close enough to check up on him.

 

He IS lying to you, more than you realize. Just wish you'd detach and take a step back, stop letting your emotions cloud reality.

 

Maybe she doesn't need PI, since YOU seem to know more than herself about her R with this man, making such statements of facts?

[Silly_Girl]

You really want to know what goes on in his life, where goes, where he sleeps, etc, hire a PI. It's long distance affair, so you aren't close enough to check up on him.

 

He IS lying to you, more than you realize. Just wish you'd detach and take a step back, stop letting your emotions cloud reality.

 

WWIU - can you elaborate. WHAT is he lying about? And why?

 

I'm not 100% okay with the guy, and I like Mombot and hope he turns out to be genuine, but to just attempt to undermine him like that is unhelpful at best.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe she doesn't need PI, since YOU seem to know more than herself about her R with this man, making such statements of facts?

 

I am only going on what she's said. Fact is, this man is and HAS lied to her many times.

 

It's my opinion not fact. I am allowed to have my own thoughts on this and share them with her. Why is it wrong of me to suggest she hire a PI? She is not anywhere near where he lives, so she has NO idea where goes, where he sleeps at night. All she has to go on is what he tells her.