tincanman99 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 See below, please provide input. ===================== Do you love the ocean? How about the sweet smell of the air on a beautiful sunny day? Do you want to experience all that life has to offer? Me too...life is to short to waste it! Chemistry and the ability to talk to each other are very important. If you aren't attracted to each other and can’t talk to each other, what do you have in the end? I am passionate about life and love and am looking for someone who is too. My friends would describe me as assured but sensitive, motivated and full of energy, brainy and artistic but sometimes silly, almost always curious about lots of things. I am very flexible and will give anything a shot at least once. I am an active kind of person and am always up for an adventure! Life is an adventure and I want to enjoy it to its fullest. I am looking for a partner for my adventures. A person who can hold intelligent conversations and is fun to be around. When I think about an ideal relationship, most of my thoughts veer towards what I'd like to provide for the other person. Things I'd cook, restaurants I'd take her out to, theme parks we'd go to, impromptu road trips we'd take, favors I'd like to pay. I'm a little impetuous and will keep you surprised, but will treat you with the generosity and the respect that you deserve. Feel free to drop me a line, you never know what might happen...
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I think your intro is a bit cheesy (reminds me of an EHarmony commercial), but beyond that, I like it a lot. I think it gets the point across without being overly serious or bogged-down...I get a good idea of your personality. My only major criticism (besides the intro) is that it doesn't feel completely genuine. You sound pretty darn perfect...and maybe you are...but it gives off the impression that you are too good to be true. My advice would be to inject a little humanism into it...a weakness, a flaw, etc. Nothing major (i.e. "I am a recovering drug addict with three felonies to my name!"), just something small that shows that you are realistic and honest (some of mine were "I have a tendency to be clumsy, but it just adds to my charm" or "I am excellent at making burnt toast"). Other than that, it's quite good. :] Best of luck!
Author tincanman99 Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 But I am PERFECT (I am teasing). Thank you very much for the input. A woman friend of mine helped me write it. I was very hesitant and she warned me about being boring because women have heard it all.
Cee Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Overall, very nice. My first impression is that you are likable and fun to be around. The first two paragraphs are generic and not helpful in making you stand out. You should only mention the ocean if you have a direct connection with it, eg., you scuba dive, you're a surfer or fisherman, etc. The paragraph about your friends perception of you was particularly strong. I would try to add detail to your profile to make it more interesting and vibrant. For example, in the last paragraph...mention specific cuisines, theme parks, and road trips. Here let me show you: I'd pack a picnic with a good Pinot and a mild French cheese and we'd watch the sun set behind the trees in Booty Call Park. Or we'd go to the Ocean City boardwalk and we'd have go kart races. I'll buy a double scoop of ice cream (my favorite is mint chocolate chip). You get my drift. If you are specific and add details, it helps the reader imagine you and the dating experience. Try to make it as true to yourself as possible. There's no need to pretend you're a gourmand if you are a pizza and beer guy. You want to find women who like the same stuff you do.
Author tincanman99 Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Thank you for the input as well! I appreciate it . Actually I do have direct contact with the ocean as I spend April-October at the beach on the weekends. Not every weekend but a lot. I was told it could be taken as irresponsible and immature ie. a beach bum. Thank you about the information about details. I will adjust it Makes sense to me.
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I like it all except for the first 2 paragraphs.. You are asking question of them and not telling them about you.. You asked them 5 questions but didn't tell them much about you. Put the my friends would describe me near the bottom.. who wants to hear what your friends think before you tell them what you think. Good luck...
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I'd pack a picnic with a good Pinot and a mild French cheese and we'd watch the sun set behind the trees in Booty Call Park. Or we'd go to the Ocean City boardwalk and we'd have go kart races. I'll buy a double scoop of ice cream (my favorite is mint chocolate chip). See, this is a great example of how you can't please everyone, because to me that paragraph is a turn-off. It sounds contrived and unnecessary. Just goes to show, different women are going to like different things!
Shakz Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 IDK, the whole thing seems a bit contrived to me, and insincere. You sound like someone who isn't real; like you're describing how you see yourself but not how you are, actually. I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to be honest.
rlindzie Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 It is good and showes you actually put thought behind it, but I think the first paragraph is too corny [sorry if that sounds harsh] and you want them to tell you what they like when you talk to them so you should really only talk about yourself. I think maybe adding in some things about your religion and what you do for fun and just more about you the person. That way they can know right away if you are into some of the same thngs they are, bc honestly most people like the ocean and taking road trips and going to theme parks, so make it even more personal. Really think about what you do in your life and say that. Think about what you look for in a person's profile, do you want to hear the genaric that everyone is saying or do you want to know what religion they are, if they are a beer and pizza kind of girl, or if they are a wine and fine food kind of person, if they like going to sports games or if they would rather go to the ballet, do they like going to clubs or rather go to an art gallery. That is the kind of stuff that tells you about a person so maybe put some of thoes in, good luck!
Author tincanman99 Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Thank you all very much for the input! It really is appreciated! I am a big boy and can take the criticism - its all good . If I was think skinned I would not be posting it on here for input . I am gathering the first paragraph is too cheesy. Can you all give me an example of an introductory paragraph that you do like? Feel free to rewrite me or scrap it totally. What would you like to see?
shadowplay Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Meh, the opener really turns me off. It's odd how you speak in the second and then third person, rather than the first person. To me it's a red flag that I can't trust this guy, because he's trying to remove himself and appeal to every woman who reads it.
Shakz Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Thank you all very much for the input! It really is appreciated! I am a big boy and can take the criticism - its all good . If I was think skinned I would not be posting it on here for input . I am gathering the first paragraph is too cheesy. Can you all give me an example of an introductory paragraph that you do like? Feel free to rewrite me or scrap it totally. What would you like to see? I don't know you or where you're coming from, but how about this: I love the beach. The surf is music to my ears, and the sand is like a welcome mat. The air at the beach is like the smell of home-baked muffins to me. I'm completely at home there. If you feel the same, why not join me, and we can be at home together?
Knittress Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 You sound like a nice, intelligent guy, but it sounds scripted and like you're trying too hard. (not that writing these things is easy) Perhaps you could try making it sounds less polished and more like you're touching base with an old friend?
Knittress Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I don't know you or where you're coming from, but how about this: I love the beach. The surf is music to my ears, and the sand is like a welcome mat. The air at the beach is like the smell of home-baked muffins to me. I'm completely at home there. If you feel the same, why not join me, and we can be at home together? Really? I think people should lay off the adjectives a bit on their profiles. It makes folks sound like they're going to whip out a guitar and rehearse their emo high school poetry.
welikeincrowds Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 You need this proofread. Me too... life is to short to waste it! Chemistry and the ability to talk to each other are very important. Redudant. Relevant? Important to whom, how, why? almost always curious about lots of thingsRedundant, muddy. You'd be saying the same thing by just saying "curious." I am very flexible and will give anything a shot at least once. I am an active kind of person and am always up for an adventure! Life is an adventure and I want to enjoy it to its fullest. I am looking for a partner for my adventures. This can be said in one sentence. Also you seem to have a habit of breaking your paragraphs in the wrong places. You cut off in the middle of your next thought, too, when you're talking about the things you'd do for other people. Feel free to drop me a line, you never know what might happen... I don't like this ending. You've already communicated the surprise factor, and leaving with such an ominous cliffhanger brings you into creep territory. And besides, you do know what will happen. You will have fun. When someone says "they don't know what will happen" when describing a date, it's because they're leaving room for the possibility of disaster. Keep going, you're getting there.
stellaluna Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 IDK, the whole thing seems a bit contrived to me, and insincere. You sound like someone who isn't real; like you're describing how you see yourself but not how you are, actually. I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to be honest. That's what I thought too. I didn't like the cheesy intro either. But women will look at your picz first so put up good ones.
BillieD Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 No offense...but that just sounds like every dating profile, it doesn't have anything distinct in it. Just a load of cliches. I'm not judging you personally, I know it's hard trying to write one of those...but I think it could do with a little personality thrown in. Props on the lack of spelling errors though.
Lakeside_runner Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Sadly, I have to agree with the above. It has all the standard phrases in it... Particularly this: "Life is an adventure and I want to enjoy it to its fullest."
Lemontang Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Sorry dude it reads like a bunch of others I see online...but yes good work on the spelling. When I see a profile that has bad spelling or is written like your trying to send a txt message then I tend to avoid. People your presenting yourself to the world here. Read other guys profiles (no it's not homo ) and you'll find most sound the same. Jazz it with some humor and keep it flowing, and write it as long as you want...ok minus a thesis, but you get the idea. If you can write an entertaining profile then they'll read it to the end, but keep it truthful and talk about what your passionate about. Things like "I love long walks in the park with my dog" are like "meh, heard it!", but something like "I'd love long walks in the park, but I tend to run a lot because the dog never gives the ball back" shows you can see the lighter things on life and your entertaining....or you could go all out and say "I love long walks in the park with just my socks on"...that will certainly either entertain or creep out the reader, but they'll still remember you after looking at many profiles later (though the latter probably for all the wrong reasons). And that's what your trying to achieve. Every profile is just the next click, but if you get it right you'll be the one they still remember many clicks later. I've had a few compliments on mine when I'm online dating with some people just wanting to get to know me because I came across as really interesting even though the stuff I like they weren't into themselves. But because I'm passionate about it they saw I was genuine.
Author tincanman99 Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Thanks for all the input. I understand, too generic, too blah. Anyone got any samples of profiles they do like? Ones that have snap to them ?
Lemontang Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Here's an example which is fairly segmented to keep it flowing so as to give you an idea. "Irish/German back ground...so I like potatoes and have a funny walk" < a good header goes a long way. Talk about what your currently doing & why your here. Well transferred from my role 6 months back from ***** to a new role back in ***** and travel quite extensively throughout *****. But also now have more time than I know what to do with as I also work from home, so would like to fill this in with someone who likes similar things to myself or show me things that interest them, so always open to learning new things about people. An open perspective about how some people see you My friends think I'm a bit of a yuppie with a hint of grunge (Think Queer Eye meets the band Jet & you've almost hit the nail on the head), so yeah I love my ripped jeans to my Christian Dior shirts. Apparently that makes me really good to shop with (What? A guy who likes shopping?). Talk about something you really love to do I also love to cook, and I'm not talking about your typical BBQ snags and the like, any guy can do that (it's in our genes). I mean I REALLY love to cook, from your Sushi to Satay Chicken so move over Jamie Oliver, in fact you haven't lived until you've had a Jamie Oliver breakfast. Though I'd better finish renovating the kitchen if I'm going to get some serious cooking done (yes renovating, another hobby). Prefer a Red over Spirits & a Guiness over VB, so I have fairly eclectic taste & love matching it with the right meal. A good Merlot goes great with a rich pasta dish...There my free tip for the day. Basically say what your looking and not looking for To save a lot of trouble I'd rather just hit it off as friends first & then see what happens. Ideally would like to meet someone who's fairly active. In other words you don't have to be an AIS approved athlete but it'd help to know your fairly active & won't knock back a challenge. But of course we can always jump on the motorbike or take a road trip in the car (hood down of course). Thanks for taking the time to read this. Anyway hope that give you some insight.
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