jj33 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 so why is the serial cheater staying? Is it because he likes the lifestyle with the wife and the ability to have someone else on the side? Exactly I know I wouldnt have allowed that. She did. So he is choosing the lifestyle (wife) vs the other woman; and I guess the other women in his life know he is never leaving his wife and hopefully, the other women are in it just for the sex since the serial cheater doesn't plan to leave or at least seem like he is going to leave. No not all of us were in it for the sex. Its just one of those things. You assume (naively) that when a serial falls in love (that is not how its supposed to go) that it will be a lightbulb moment and something will change. Often it doesnt. They struggle with it more but often not enough to change their situation. Why is the status of the marriage left up to the BS to control? Doesn't he have a voice? Sure he has a voice but hes got it all doesnt he? If hes choosing lifestyle and shes choosing lifestyle they are not miserable with their choice. Ideally neither would want to cheat and theyd find everything at home, but they dont and not losing the lifestyle is more important to them as they do have their emotional needs filled elsewhere. 'eh, I may also do the same if I was a certain age, had been pampered my whole life and had someone to go to company holiday parties or social situations with. Exactly. If youve been married for 20 30 years, you have a nice circle of friends, grown kids, great life and outside companionship, why rock the boat?
WalkInThePark Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Sorry, but is there automatically a "toxic situation" when a man is openly sleeping with more than one woman The key word is "openly". It is clear that in the case described there was no arrangement in that marriage that he could have another woman from time to time. On the contrary, he blames her for having affairs. I don't think this always happens with very rich people. Just the married lifestyle makes a lot of people stay in not so happy marriages, both men and women. They don't want to have the stigma of being divorced, they might never have lived on their own and are very afraid of it, they don't want to split up their assets, they don't want to lose the couples they have as friends (who also don't divorce for the same reasons), etc... Not the way I want live my life. I have been single for way too long to ever give up my happiness just to be married. You know, I have often heard and seen that if in a certain social circle, one couple divorces, there are often a lot that follow. Because once it is no longer taboo, the people how witness the divorce realise that they are not happy.
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 So curious why an ow would be flaunting this article. It is a perfect example of a cakeeater. He didn't love the ow, he wanted to keep his marriage and still have fun little flings. Who would want to be someone's fling? He told me I should accept his ‘fling’ was just a small mistake and get over it. But, after a long night of tears and recriminations, he begged my forgiveness and vowed it would never happen again. This man isn't going anywhere. He will keep having little meaningless flings while staying with his wife. How is this bs any different then an ow who knows a man goes home to his wife every single night. This woman is married to this man, gets all the percs of that marriage. She knows where she stands. She now has chosen to ignore the meaningless flings. What exactly does the ow in this situation get?
WalkInThePark Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Here's another one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1311809/Coleen-Rooney-takes-Wayne--final-warning.html Now, come on, are we seriously believing that Wayne Rooney will never again cheat on his wife?
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 (edited) Here's another one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1311809/Coleen-Rooney-takes-Wayne--final-warning.html Now, come on, are we seriously believing that Wayne Rooney will never again cheat on his wife? This man will never be faithful to anyone but an ow will happily take him thinking she is different. Quite sad. The wife will dump him next time she catches him. Edited September 14, 2010 by greengoddess
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 So curious why an ow would be flaunting this article. It is a perfect example of a cakeeater. He didn't love the ow, he wanted to keep his marriage and still have fun little flings. Who would want to be someone's fling? EX OW - Thank You. There are two sides to every story. The BS is giving hers. I find it astounding that you can extrapolate from that how the WS feels for his OW and motivations. Wishful thinking, perhaps. This man isn't going anywhere. He will keep having little meaningless flings while staying with his wife. How is this bs any different then an ow who knows a man goes home to his wife every single night. This woman is married to this man, gets all the percs of that marriage. She knows where she stands. She now has chosen to ignore the meaningless flings. What exactly does the ow in this situation get? If the OW (plural) in this story were interviewed you would have an answer. But clearly they did not have a say so your curiosity will remain unsatisfied.
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 This man will never be faithful to anyone but an ow will happily take him thinking she is different. Quite sad. The wife will dump him next time she catches him. He is young and capable of changing. He has a thing for prostitutes not mistreses. How can you speak for all women?
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 There are two sides to every story. The BS is giving hers. I find it astounding that you can extrapolate from that how the WS feels for his OW and motivations. Wishful thinking, perhaps. If the man was in love with his ow he would not be begging his wife for forgiveness. Classic cakeeater having fun and wanting some variety while some poor ow is waiting for him to leave. Quite sad. I find your topic line quite funny. That the bs is too spoiled to leave. How many times do you hear an ow say as long as he keeps me a happy other woman I am staying. They are not even spoiled in the material sense, they are just being treated well "in their mind". Very sad indeed.
WalkInThePark Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Who would want to be someone's fling? Most people don't want to be someone's fling. But cheaters are very good at convincing that you are not a fling, that you are special and that if you give them enough time, they will eventually divorce. It's called manipulation and some are so good at it, that they keep people at a string for years and several people at the same time.
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 He is young and capable of changing. He has a thing for prostitutes not mistreses. How can you speak for all women? Exactly. He has a taste for prostitutes. This has nothing to do with his marriage or being in love with someone. This is all about him and his rush for excitement. He's not changing and his wife will know that the next time. Some prostitute will be very happy when his wife catches them. She will think she just landed her dream man but he will move on to the next one.
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Most people don't want to be someone's fling. But cheaters are very good at convincing that you are not a fling, that you are special and that if you give them enough time, they will eventually divorce. It's called manipulation and some are so good at it, that they keep people at a string for years and several people at the same time. as in the same way the wife is manipulated to believe that he loves her, is sorry and will never do it again. These men are liars and the ow know this. You can not have a affair with an honest man!
jennie-jennie Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 If the man was in love with his ow he would not be begging his wife for forgiveness. MM in love with their OW throw her under the bus and beg their wives for forgiveness all the time on Dday. That is classic knee-jerk MM behavior. It says nothing about how much or how little the MM loves his OW. All it says is that the MM is not ready to leave his marriage, but that is no news, if he was he wouldn't be having the affair.
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 If the man was in love with his ow he would not be begging his wife for forgiveness. Classic cakeeater having fun and wanting some variety while some poor ow is waiting for him to leave. Quite sad. I find your topic line quite funny. That the bs is too spoiled to leave. How many times do you hear an ow say as long as he keeps me a happy other woman I am staying. They are not even spoiled in the material sense, they are just being treated well "in their mind". Very sad indeed. Maybe you should start your posts with "In your opinion" because you are obviously speaking from a very personal/jaded/bitter perspective. The topic line is the title of the article. Did you not make that connection? Were you too busy looking for the text to corroborate your viewpoint? You have no idea whether the OW wanted him. I wish you well in your reccovery.
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 MM in love with their OW throw her under the bus and beg their wives for forgiveness all the time on Dday. That is classic knee-jerk MM behavior. It says nothing about how much or how little the MM loves his OW. All it says is that the MM is not ready to leave his marriage, but that is no news, if he was he wouldn't be having the affair. No man who is in love with a woman is going to throw her under the bus. He just later convinces the woman he threw under the bus he is in love with her after the dust settles with his wife. After getting caught it is simple to say you love the ow and leave the marriage. It is much harder to try to rebuild it.
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Maybe you should start your posts with "In your opinion" because you are obviously speaking from a very personal/jaded/bitter perspective. The topic line is the title of the article. Did you not make that connection? Were you too busy looking for the text to corroborate your viewpoint? You have no idea whether the OW wanted him. I wish you well in your reccovery. OMG there we go again!!:laugh: The bitter judgment!! Obviously this is my opinion. I really don't feel the words in my opinion changes anything. Isn't this everyones own viewpoints? Curious what is it you were trying to say by posting this and calling the wife too spoiled to leave? What was the point you were making? Were you judging the wifes motivations to stay? how am I speaking from a bitter jaded viewpoint? This man begged his wife for forgiveness. This man stays married to his wife while having what he calls flings. These were the facts in this article. What viewpoint do you see it from?
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 No man who is in love with a woman is going to throw her under the bus. He just later convinces the woman he threw under the bus he is in love with her after the dust settles with his wife. After getting caught it is simple to say you love the ow and leave the marriage. It is much harder to try to rebuild it. Whatever helps you sleep at night and have the faith to live another day .......
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 OMG there we go again!!:laugh: The bitter judgment!! Obviously this is my opinion. I really don't feel the words in my opinion changes anything. Isn't this everyones own viewpoints? Curious what is it you were trying to say by posting this and calling the wife too spoiled to leave? What was the point you were making? Were you judging the wifes motivations to stay? how am I speaking from a bitter jaded viewpoint? This man begged his wife for forgiveness. This man stays married to his wife while having what he calls flings. These were the facts in this article. What viewpoint do you see it from? You clearly either did not read and/or comprehend the artIcle or any of my posts.
jennie-jennie Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 No man who is in love with a woman is going to throw her under the bus. He just later convinces the woman he threw under the bus he is in love with her after the dust settles with his wife. After getting caught it is simple to say you love the ow and leave the marriage. It is much harder to try to rebuild it. I do not agree with you here. Remember the MM in an affair is not ready to give up either woman. He has a history of lying to his wife and he has a history of minimizing his relationship to the OW to others. To throw the OW under the bus is just continuing that pattern. Had it been easy for the MM to say he loves the OW and leave the marriage he would have done so already. There is something keeping him in the marriage, and that something does not go away on Dday.
jennie-jennie Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I do not agree with you here. Remember the MM in an affair is not ready to give up either woman. He has a history of lying to his wife and he has a history of minimizing his relationship to the OW to others. To throw the OW under the bus is just continuing that pattern. Had it been easy for the MM to say he loves the OW and leave the marriage he would have done so already. There is something keeping him in the marriage, and that something does not go away on Dday. In fact, most likely, the MM has a history of denying everything that is important to him if it contradicts the public self he feels urged to present. That is why many MM have affairs, because with their OW they can be their true selves.
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 You clearly either did not read and/or comprehend the artIcle or any of my posts. Then explain it to me. I read the article and I comprehended it. All I see from your comments is someone who is judging a women for staying with a cheating man because she is content with her circumstances in life. What is the point you are making?
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 In fact, most likely, the MM has a history of denying everything that is important to him if it contradicts the public self he feels urged to present. That is why many MM have affairs, because with their OW they can be their true selves. So his public self is more important than the love he feels for his ow? Isn't his public personna his ego? Aren't many affairs about pumping the egos of these men in the beginning of it?
greengoddess Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Whatever helps you sleep at night and have the faith to live another day ....... I'm sorry I do not understand what you meant by this comment. Would you care to explain? I am simply having a discussion about the article you posted and so far I have been called bitter, jaded, and told you wished me well in my recovery. Um what recovery? What is it you are alluding to? And why is it you are attacking me for my opinion of this article?
Author bohogirl Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 LOL. Not judging. I respect her right to choose how she wishes to live her life. I had been making the point in some of my earlier posts that not all BS are blindsided after the initial DDay. Some make the choice to accept sexual infidelity because it suits them. It is not necessarily a sign of weakness or low self esteem but is definitely an informed decision that the BS makes - whether third parties "get it" or not.[/QUO GG, Did you read this post?
jennie-jennie Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 So his public self is more important than the love he feels for his ow? Isn't his public personna his ego? Aren't many affairs about pumping the egos of these men in the beginning of it? It is a deeply rooted survival technique learnt in his youth. Not easy to change. We all have our issues we are struggling with. The MM have theirs. It has nothing to do with how much they love the OW. I think this discussion is a bit off topic though. So I will just agree with Boho: Whatever helps you sleep at night...
donnamaybe Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 so why is the serial cheater staying? Is it because he likes the lifestyle with the wife and the ability to have someone else on the side? So he is choosing the lifestyle (wife) vs the other woman; and I guess the other women in his life know he is never leaving his wife and hopefully, the other women are in it just for the sex since the serial cheater doesn't plan to leave or at least seem like he is going to leave. Why is the status of the marriage left up to the BS to control? Doesn't he have a voice? 'eh, I may also do the same if I was a certain age, had been pampered my whole life and had someone to go to company holiday parties or social situations with.Careful, FO. You are attempting to "steer the discussion in another direction." See, I'm with you here. This conversation shouldn't have to be confined merely to the BS's part in it because there are THREE (at least) people involved in an A situation. ALWAYS.
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