I really wish i can believe her, but deep inside I know its a lie...

[p0w3r]

okay, I read post #43.

 

look man, perhaps you really don't see it, but you're perpetuating all this drama as though you enjoy it. it's like a dance you two are doing. I get it, you're both young, but c'mon.

 

just focus on this question: "what is it that I want from this relationship?"

seriously think about that... throw out all the past stuff for now, toss out all the FB exchanges, petty arguments and even the amount of time she's been spending @ PSP dude's house (just for now).

 

don't communicate with her (or anyone else regarding your relationship with her) until you understand what you want.

 

is it sex?

recreational companionship?

drama?

 

I don't know that answer, and you're behaving as though you don't either.

 

if I had to choose from those 3, I'd say recreational companionship.

 

if you want a girl friend that "gets" the fact that sleeping in some other dude's bed'll piss off her bf - guess what, you got the wrong girl. no fighting with or arguing with that fact; it simply is what it is.

 

so no point in bringing it up and trying to explain to her what she did?

 

that's what everyone's been saying. getting upset with an aligator for behaiving like an alligator says WAY more about the person arguing with it...

 

again. think about what you want. next, you must honestly ask if what you want can be reasonably obtained in this relationship.

 

both of you have shown a ton of immaturity and that's why some are calling you a drama queen. much of this drama couldve been avoided which is leading us to believe that perhaps you do enjoy it. whatever... that's not my point.

 

be mature here, man. let her go if she's not a match. if you move on, will she get another guy? of course. will it be PSP guy? that shouldn't matter.

 

you may want to spend some time thinking about WHY it is that you date & have a gf. that seems to be the underlying disconnect, IMO.

 

Ok, the only question I want answered from now on is: "I don't want drama, but maybe I contributed to it by not being clear that she cannot hang out with that dude anymore. So perhaps I created some drama by not being clear? Shuold I make things clear now and if she doesnt change then call it quits?"

[that girl]

interestingly enough getting her back and moving on without her are pretty much the same routine. don't "break up" with her, and stop all this heart-to-heart nonsense. bottom line, she's going to do what she wants and you have very limited power to change that, if any.

 

follow her lead on this one:

if she calls you, let it go to voicemail & call back when you're good & ready.

same with texting & fb.

keep your messages short and very nonchalant.

decrease the volume of your communications - a few texts every other day.

 

what this does is uses apathy to SHOW her something's wrong and she'll come to you wondering what's up. THEN you have a venue to talk about what bugged you.

 

e.g.:

her: "hey, are you avoiding me?"

you: "a little. maybe we need a break... don't we?"

 

lol, she'll wonder why (if she's not completely done with you already).

THEN you can say what's bugging you, or draw her out even further and cause her to think for herself - "you just don't get it. listen, I'll see you around..."

 

Quasi manipulative, but hey, if it's over anyway, try it (I doubt it is, she's just testing you and creating new boundaries allowing her to transition to the next guy comfortably).

 

This is incredibly manipulative and unhealthy.

[p0w3r]

This is incredibly manipulative and unhealthy.

 

Thats what I was thinking of doing. But obviously has been opposed by most of the posters on this thread.

 

But in the end, it works, right?

[that girl]

Or just breakup without seeing if she is willling to offer herself to behave by my standards?

You are not her dad. You don't seem to understand how relationships work. I think that you would have a right to say "I'm not okay with you taking naps at his place" and she could either agree or you could split up, but it isn't all about you and your standards. What about her standards? You lost something very value to her (and very expensive) and not only did you lie about it, you have no plans to replace it. You have intentionally left her hanging for hours at a time. You throw hissy fits at her. You think you have the right to boss her around when really all you have is the right to try to solve conflicts.

 

I don't want drama, but maybe I contributed to it by not being clear that she cannot hang out with that dude anymore. So perhaps I created some drama by not being clear? Shuold I make things clear now and if she doesnt change then call it quits?"

It really sounds like your relationship has pretty much been destoyed already.

 

Rather than having a grown up discussion, you held down your anger until you lashed out at her more than once. Screaming "It is him or me! Pick one!" is childish.

 

You have been undependable, lost her things, and avoid complimenting her. These are not signs of a good boyfriend.

 

You are focused on having the upper hand and your pride rather than having an enjoyable relationship with her.

 

Meanwhile she puts up with your bad behavior and makes childish posts on Facebook.

 

It is time to end things as nicely as possible. You want to get validation and be proven right, but I'd bet you that her friends are always telling her what a jerk you are. And the thing is even though she is a piece of work too, they are right. You have been a jerk.

[p0w3r]

You are not her dad. You don't seem to understand how relationships work. I think that you would have a right to say "I'm not okay with you taking naps at his place" and she could either agree or you could split up, but it isn't all about you and your standards. What about her standards? You lost something very value to her (and very expensive) and not only did you lie about it, you have no plans to replace it. You have intentionally left her hanging for hours at a time. You throw hissy fits at her. You think you have the right to boss her around when really all you have is the right to try to solve conflicts.

 

 

It really sounds like your relationship has pretty much been destoyed already.

 

Rather than having a grown up discussion, you held down your anger until you lashed out at her more than once. Screaming "It is him or me! Pick one!" is childish.

 

You have been undependable, lost her things, and avoid complimenting her. These are not signs of a good boyfriend.

 

You are focused on having the upper hand and your pride rather than having an enjoyable relationship with her.

 

Meanwhile she puts up with your bad behavior and makes childish posts on Facebook.

 

It is time to end things as nicely as possible. You want to get validation and be proven right, but I'd bet you that her friends are always telling her what a jerk you are. And the thing is even though she is a piece of work too, they are right. You have been a jerk.

 

I have been a jerk? In some ways yes. Losing her scarf and making her wait. But I didn't make her wait all the time. I finish class much later than she does and the only way she can see me is to wait for me. Yes I have also made her wait at other times, but that wasnt because I wanted a passive-aggressive poewr thing going on.

 

Yes her friends have been telling her what a jerk I was. But it is also true that I have treated her very nicely at the times I was with her and when the relationship was going well. I went to her house at 4am in the morning once because she was sick. I kept her company despite me having all sorts of other plans that I could easily have chosen to do.

 

Complimenting? I have complimented her all the time. I have always said, oh nice dress, thats such an awesome color of nail polish, you look cute today etc etc.

 

Meanwhile she has not always complimented me. She has texted me she loves me and she misses me etc etc but I dont hear it from her mouth often, if at all.

 

So after all, what do you think of having a grown up discussion about everything, now?

[Imajerk17]

I think grown-up conversation is the way to go.

 

Losing her scarf and keeping her waiting as you did were seriously chump moves on your part though. If you want to be able to keep a great girl you have to consider what you are bringing to the table in terms of maturity.

[p0w3r]

I think grown-up conversation is the way to go.

 

Losing her scarf and keeping her waiting as you did were seriously chump moves on your part though. If you want to be able to keep a great girl you have to consider what you are bringing to the table in terms of maturity.

 

So what do you say I should do now?

 

Do you think I should have a serious discussion and if she is willing to change I will continue this?

 

Or just split up anyways.

[that girl]

I have been a jerk? In some ways yes. Losing her scarf and making her wait. But I didn't make her wait all the time. I finish class much later than she does and the only way she can see me is to wait for me. Yes I have also made her wait at other times, but that wasnt because I wanted a passive-aggressive poewr thing going on.

 

Everyone has told you that the scarf thing is a big deal, but you don't seem to get it. It doesn't matter if you think it is dumb, it was important to her and you lost it, then lied about it. You admit to being thoughtless about scheduled meetings with her. And you describe exploding at her more than once. You aren't totally innocent in all this.

 

Do you think I should have a serious discussion and if she is willing to change I will continue this?

You need to stop looking at it as "This is what I want, she needs to do it."

 

What do you want? For her to totally stop seeing this guy? You've said that to her repeatedly (in a very immature manner) and she hasn't done it. Odds are that isn't happening.

[p0w3r]

Everyone has told you that the scarf thing is a big deal, but you don't seem to get it. It doesn't matter if you think it is dumb, it was important to her and you lost it, then lied about it. You admit to being thoughtless about scheduled meetings with her. And you describe exploding at her more than once. You aren't totally innocent in all this.

 

I admit my faults when I do commit them. But I'm far less innocent than she is.

 

 

 

You need to stop looking at it as "This is what I want, she needs to do it."

 

What do you want? For her to totally stop seeing this guy? You've said that to her repeatedly (in a very immature manner) and she hasn't done it. Odds are that isn't happening.

 

Then what should I do do you suggest?

 

In your opinion, do you think even though the way I had communicated the message about seeing that guy too much is immature, doe that make a difference? I do realise that it is better to be calm and talk to her properly about it without being angry, but does it show my views to her anyways?

 

Did the immature ness of the way, of how I told her I'm not okay with her seeing that guy so much, change anything? How does it affect things?

 

What do you think of now having a mature conversation with her and then if she is willing to change AFTER THE MATURE CONVERSATION try giving this one more chance?

[p0w3r]

It's like hokie and I say..

 

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.designcognition.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/rocket-launch.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.designcognition.com/&usg=__GuaCBF8bSER3XBVAl8XO5YABDdg=&h=481&w=381&sz=21&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=J9DSAzEusH91gM:&tbnh=133&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3Drocket%2Blaunch%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D597%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=228&vpy=85&dur=1567&hovh=252&hovw=200&tx=86&ty=113&ei=nn-RTIWnLcH48AaxytWzBQ&oei=nn-RTIWnLcH48AaxytWzBQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=22&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0

 

huh? mind giving some actual constructive advice instead?

[p0w3r]

Update:

 

she has since been asking alot about the scarf and been very mad every time she asked about it. I was calm when I explained to her and answered her questions about the scarf even though she was angry to me.

 

I ended the conversation with, hey, I gotta go to class now, do what you want to do about the scarf, I'll see you around.

 

a few hours later she texted me:"you won't see me around, =p ~ cos right now Im starving with no food"

 

I think this is an attempt by her to get me to still care about her, by telling me that she has had no food and is very hungry and playing the needing help card and a poor girl needing assistance. (When the relationship was going well I used to always made sure she ate and criticised her a few times when she starved herself and cared about her eating almost like a dad).

 

What should I have done?

 

Reply?

 

or just ignore.

 

I was thinking of replying something like:" I'm not the one to say these things to anymore. why dont u go to that guy huh?"

 

Ideas?

 

on her facebook status she has stated she has had no food for 2 days.

[p0w3r]

p0w3r, you aren't listening to what everyone is saying.

 

Spending an entire day at another guy's house as your girlfriend did and then not leaving with you was a HUGE sign of disrespect, whether anything physical happened between her and this other guy or not. She knew how staying at his place instead of leaving with you would look--she basically chose this other guy over you.

 

If you "try to patch things up" or "pretend that nothing happened", she will lose respect for you--if she hasn't done so already, and then she will break up with you sooner or later. Then you will really feel like crap because you lost the girl AND your self-respect.

 

If you end it, you'll at least keep your self-respect. And if she misses you at all, she will probably come back promising to mend her ways. And she will stick to it, because she knows that you can walk if she doesn't.

 

You would do yourself well to take advice from us who have been there instead of having to make these mistakes yourself.

 

I really think this is very good advise. Thanks.

 

So what if she still tries to be friendly and continue being friends or MAYBE even get back together after this breakup? How would you respond to this?

 

Look, I know I'm not the best of boyfriends out there. And through the posts I have posted I have posted my own faults too. I realise now that I acted immature at times and being angry at her multiple times instead of a calm, assertive talk was a mistake I made.

 

So with my own fault in mind, and also considering all the things she did to me in the posts I described in the thread, should I:

 

1:) have a serious talk about whats been going on and what the relationship should be like in the future and if she accepts, give this another chance?

 

2:) dump her and become strangers/enemies with her?

 

3:) dump her and if she still wants to be friends be friends with her.

 

what would you do and think is the best option?

[Angel1111]

So with my own fault in mind, and also considering all the things she did to me in the posts I described in the thread, should I:

 

1:) have a serious talk about whats been going on and what the relationship should be like in the future and if she accepts, give this another chance?

 

2:) dump her and become strangers/enemies with her?

 

3:) dump her and if she still wants to be friends be friends with her.

 

what would you do and think is the best option?

 

None of the above. You should break-up with her, don't become her enemy and don't be her friend. Just let her disappear from your life. Become like Switzerland - neutral.

 

As Imajerk17 said, if she contacts you and wants to get back together, then that can be discussed. But until she knows for certain that you have enough strength to just walk away and cut her out of your life, she'll never straighten up. Once you end it with her, don't get into text message convos with her or anything like that. Until she actually wants to have a real conversation with you about getting back together, don't talk to her. And even if in a few days she wants to get back with you (which she probably will), let at least a couple of weeks or a month go by to think about it. And tell her that because she needs to know that you can and will exist without her and that you won't put up with any nonsense anymore. Otherwise, you'll never have her respect, and respect is critical.

[ConflictedGuy27]

drama... drama... drama.

im officially convinced you dig it, OP.

 

the only outstanding issue between you two is the damn scarf... man up & deal with that so you can quit all this drama and move on. good lord...

 

look again, EVERYWHERE, for that scarf! cant find it? fine, call her up, tell her what really happened to the scarf and apologize.

 

offer her something monetary (I don't know, $100), apologize again, tell her you need a break from the R to work on yourself (its not you, its me...) and go no contact (delete her from FB if you need to).

 

that's it. that's all you have to do.

Just clear up the last issue and walk away...

[p0w3r]

Question:

 

As you guys must have seen, on the facebook chatlog I posted in post number 43, I told her I would now disappear from her life. Do you think she would view this as a dumping?

 

Today on facebook, we used to have our family status as father and daughter on there (on the siblings information section). Right now on facebook we are still listed as "in a relationship with each other".

 

(it started out as us being siblings but we changed it to father and daughter, just for a abit of a joke)

 

So she's deleted the "family section" of me being her "father" and her being my "daughter". And kept the "in a relationship with (my name)" on there.

 

How should I view this?

 

Should I immediately remove the "in relationship" status now?

 

I feel kinda like I'm the one thats dumped in this situation. I know I already told her I'm gonna disappear and said, I'll see you around. (but all this was in private) She texted me once after that and I ignored her.

 

But now she's made the first move that can be seen in public.

 

what does this mean and what should I do?

[p0w3r]

drama... drama... drama.

im officially convinced you dig it, OP.

 

the only outstanding issue between you two is the damn scarf... man up & deal with that so you can quit all this drama and move on. good lord...

 

look again, EVERYWHERE, for that scarf! cant find it? fine, call her up, tell her what really happened to the scarf and apologize.

 

offer her something monetary (I don't know, $100), apologize again, tell her you need a break from the R to work on yourself (its not you, its me...) and go no contact (delete her from FB if you need to).

 

that's it. that's all you have to do.

Just clear up the last issue and walk away...

 

Why do you say I dig drama?

 

also, can you please answer the question in the post above. Thanks

[p0w3r]

ok LS's. I think this is the last question I'll probably ask after all this.

We were listed as being in a relationship and also as being parent/children on facebook. Now she's deleted the parent/children section.

 

SHould I immediately delete the being in a relationship section?

[Angel1111]

ok LS's. I think this is the last question I'll probably ask after all this.

 

We were listed as being in a relationship and also as being parent/children on facebook. Now she's deleted the parent/children section.

 

SHould I immediately delete the being in a relationship section?

 

OMG, I cannot believe the questions you ask after what everyone has already said. Look, get the hell off of facebook. Freakin' treat it like it doesn't exist. Make a promise to yourself that you won't visit it for at least 2 weeks. Yes, it can be done. If you can't do that, then de-friend her from it. Talk to her, tell her anything you need to say, and then end the relationship. Then change your status if you feel the need. Stop getting hung up on these ridiculous details. THEY'RE NOT RELEVANT.

 

This is the beauty of breaking up with someone - you no longer have to try to interpret what they're thinking or what they're saying. Again, get out of that mode.

 

Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean - I'm just trying to get you to see that you're getting hung up on things that really don't matter, and you're not paying attention to what anyone is saying. Hey, you don't have to pay attention. Do your own thing. Whatever makes you happy.

Edited September 17, 2010 by Angel1111

[p0w3r]

OMG, I cannot believe the questions you ask after what everyone has already said. Look, get the hell off of facebook. Freakin' treat it like it doesn't exist. Make a promise to yourself that you won't visit it for at least 2 weeks. Yes, it can be done. If you can't do that, then de-friend her from it. Talk to her, tell her anything you need to say, and then end the relationship. Then change your status if you feel the need. Stop getting hung up on these ridiculous details. THEY'RE NOT RELEVANT.

 

Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean - I'm just trying to get you to see that you're getting hung up on things that really don't matter, and you're not paying attention to what anyone is saying. Hey, you don't have to but just say so...or do your own thing. Whatever makes you happy.

 

Alright, I am trying to follow everyone's advice. But I think I can't control myself in the way I've been thinking. But I'm listening to everyone and thats why I'm asking for the advise.

 

I havent told her in person, yes you are dumped, and I am going to do that today. But should I delete the facebook status now before she does? or would that defeat the whole purpose of the talk as she would know what I am going to say in the talk when I meet her.

 

Thanks

[LisaLee]

Sure why the hell not. Beat her to the punch.

[LisaLee]

Also, be prepared for major grilling on the scarf.

[Angel1111]

But should I delete the facebook status now before she does? or would that defeat the whole purpose of the talk as she would know what I am going to say in the talk when I meet her.

 

Thanks

 

I wouldn't do that until you talk to her. And, then, delete away...!!!!

[p0w3r]

Sure why the hell not. Beat her to the punch.

 

I just deleted her on facebook and all that relationship thing that goes along with it.

 

Will meet her for one more time before everything evaporates.

 

Was it good to delete her before we talked in person? (I've already made it clear over texts and facebook chats that She is leaving my life from now on and I am leaving her life from now on as I've described in post number 43, etc)

[LisaLee]

I think it's good because it takes away that aspect of all the drama... although it will probably open up even more drama. But at least you are making steps to removing yourself from it.

[VeveCakes]

Dude...change your password on Facebook then forget what you changed it to. You seriously need a time out from that place.