I really wish i can believe her, but deep inside I know its a lie...

[p0w3r]

This morning my girlfriend became sick with a flu/cold. She went to class this morning while being sick, and after her first class she felt she was too ill to go to anymore classes for the day and went back to her apartment. Now, she is very good friends with a guy who lives in the same apartment building as her, and went to his apartment almost immediately. (He almost never turns up to classes and stays home all day). My phone was broken all day, so I bumped into her on facebook in the afternoon and then she told me thru facebook that she was sick, having lots of pain and soreness etc etc and she was at this guys apartment (in his room obviously), because she was scared to stay home alone by herself. Then she asked me if she was able to see me soon. I said along the lines of: "aww you're sick, of course Im going to come see you and make you feel better (after i finish my classes)". She said something along the lines of:"yep ok we'll see if u can make me feel better, come see me after your class and we can go dinner" And then she told me she was gonna take a nap in his room after she got off Facebook.

 

Well, I got to that apartment building and headed to that guy's apartment. This was around 6.30pm. She opened the door and then I went in and me and her just sat down in that guy's living room and just chatted. (I thought, when I got there, she would take me and her back to her apartment and then we would hang out at in her apartment, but she just sat down on his couch and didn't seem to have any notions of going back to her apartment. Well, I thought it was bad of her and wrong for her to not take me back to her own apartment and talk there, (anyone agree?) but I didn't try to make a big deal about it and so we just talked in his living room.

 

I asked her a few random questions like, "what were you doing before here", "what are you doing now(just before I arrived)"?" "what was he doing all this time?" etc etc and she said she took a nap on his bed and then after was played video games on her PSP (Handheld Gaming Console); and he was just watching movies and playing PSP with her. I'm not actually suspicious of anything here, because I do realise that I can't stop her hanging out with him when they live so close to each other and it's better that she had someone to keep her company and she's scared of being home by herself. So even though I asked about it, I didn't ask with an intention to try to find out any "bad" things she did while being in his room, but more as in "hows your day" kind of way.

 

But the next part is really what has been making me annoying and bugging me:

 

After we chatted in his living room for about 30 or 40 mins, she randomly says to me: "go home." Now, I was very taken by surprise when I heard this!! I said.."oh..you want me to go home now?" She replied.."yeah..you havent been home for two days (I had slept over at hers and a friends house in each of the previous 2 nights), you should go home and take a good shower and go sort your car out and rest early."

 

Then at that moment I had a sudden rush of angry emotions coming up to my head. I thought my head: "whoa, @*#$&!!! wat the hell?!!!!!!!!! You tell me you are very sick and very painful and to come see you, and now 30 mins later you are telling me to go home?!!!!! WTF????!!!!...Do you ACTUALLY want to hang out with this guy (and not me) in his apartment and the your actual wants are you don't actually want to hang out with me, except other than u just want me to come up here so you can say hello to me and then tell me to *** off afterwards whenever u want?!!!!!!!"

 

Even though at this point I was angry and felt a sudden hollow feeling collapsing inside me, I decided not to get angry at her and just test out her real intentions nicely. I just asked her things like.."why are you so keen on staying in his apartment." She says she doesn't want to be home alone and they are going to finish off their PSP game together" I got a bit mad and asked her sternly"so you want to hang out with him?!!!!" She says..no no I just have nothing to do at home so here I can at least play games, and there is always someone to chat to." Now as this went on and on I couldn't control my emotions and got mad at her...( I didn't yell or raise my voice tho as there were other flatmates) I just became really serious and angry and thought..if you really just want someone to keep you company..aren't I the guy thats best for that?!!!! Why don't we go back to your apartment and we can hang out there?!!!! Then you won't be home alone ?!!!! I think you just really want to hang out with him and you just want me to leave asap!!" ( I didn't say any of this out loud to her at this point)

 

So I said to her..you go home too..she said:"no..I will go home later on when I need to go to sleep" I paused for a few minutes and said.."no you gotta go home, no joke, you are sick and you need rest and if you want to finsih your game come back later when you are feeling well" she heard this and became visibly annoyed...she said:"no no its fine i told you..you go home first...and then im gonna stay here until 9 and then i'll go home and sleep"..I repeated myself and said :"no no you are sick..you should go home early and rest and you don't actually have anything important to do here so you really should go home..seriously." She said .."do I have to? "

 

As this went on and on I got seriously annoyed and angry...I said to her in a angry boice (but not loud)...mate!!!!!!!!...why did you even tell me to come here??!! whats the point of me coming here to see you?!!! If you wanna hang out with him then Im fine with that..but then dont ask me to come !!!!!!!!! I don't want you be you guys' lightbulb!!!!!! You should do what you want to do...if you want to hang out with him??!! ok I am fine with that...but then just go hang out with him and don't ask me to come!! I told you I am not a backup !!!!!! If you want to hang with me?!!!!!!....ok sweet no problems we'll do that!!! But then we should go hang out ourselves and not hang out in some other dude's house!!!!!!" I don't want you to drag me there and then its like while I'm there im interfering with what you guys are wanting to do!!!!!!! Next time if you wanna hang out with him then don't get me!!!!!!! Get me to come see you only if you WANT to hang out with me!!!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

Well thats the story, I then told her its bad for us to hang out at someone elses place and we went back to her apartment. When we got back I asked her...why did you tell me to come and then tell me to go home?!!! she said..Its because its gonna be cold and you will have trouble finding a bus if you go home any later, if you drove your car today then I wouldn't have told you to go home." (all of this I think is purely an excuse she made up)

 

I have a few questions:

 

Was I right in getting angry at her?

 

Was I demanding too much or being too selfish when for having the mentality that "shouldn't see take us back to her own apartment once we got there instead of staying in his apartment?!".?

 

Do you guys think she wanted to stay with him and not me?

 

I think that "I want you to go home because there won't be many buses left later and it will be cold" reason she put forward is just utter bull***** she made up to try to make me leave early. You guys agree?

 

What should I do and say in future situations like this?

 

Is this relationship over? She wants to hang out with the other guy more than she wants to be with me? Is this correct?

 

THanks in advance.

[p0w3r]

oh, and I forgot to mention that she acted all smiley and intimate when I was being angry at her. Does this tell anything?

[Cracker Jack]

Honestly, I don't think you were wrong in questioning her at all. It sounds to me like she really likes being around this guy--and, instead of actually worrying about you getting home early, was actually more focused on having some alone time with this other guy. I mean, really? "Finish the PSP game together?" It just sounds like she's more willing to hang with the other guy than you at this point.

 

It seems like a bad situation.

[JustJoe]

Dude, I don't know what this girl is, but I KNOW what she is not..........your girlfriend. This is definitely not how a real gf acts. You are being played, bigtime.

[p0w3r]

Honestly, I don't think you were wrong in questioning her at all. It sounds to me like she really likes being around this guy--and, instead of actually worrying about you getting home early, was actually more focused on having some alone time with this other guy. I mean, really? "Finish the PSP game together?" It just sounds like she's more willing to hang with the other guy than you at this point.

 

It seems like a bad situation.

 

Hmm... right. I know I typed a long body of text was really long to read but I'm glad you took the time to read it all. It is a bad situation indeed.

 

I agree with how you are saying she really likes being around this guy. They are really really good friends and live in the same apartment building. However I don't get then why would she ask me to go see her? She could simply say to me shes gonna be sleeping and not invite me to see her. Or even in the extreme case, dump me for him.

 

I actually think her wanting me to go home early is more to do with her wanting me to leave them alone than actually her caring about me going home early. So I guess you agree "go home before its dark and cold" is a lie ?

 

What should I do now? Right now I'm thinking I'm going to confront her about all of this again tomorrow and tell her what exactly I think is going on. I'll probably be mad at her again. Should I do this? OR what do you suggest?

 

Thanks

[p0w3r]

Dude, I don't know what this girl is, but I KNOW what she is not..........your girlfriend. This is definitely not how a real gf acts. You are being played, bigtime.

 

you think so? why you came to that conclusion? be detailed and explain if you can. ty.

[Cracker Jack]

I agree with how you are saying she really likes being around this guy. They are really really good friends and live in the same apartment building. However I don't get then why would she ask me to go see her? She could simply say to me shes gonna be sleeping and not invite me to see her. Or even in the extreme case, dump me for him.

 

I think her asking you to come over could be a matter of her eliminating suspicion on your part. That's just my opinion, of course. Most women are secretive about that. I can't read her mind or anything, but I think she might've believed getting you over to his place would make you become "okay" with the situation--so then she wouldn't feel guilty about hanging around him because she's not hiding the fact from you.

 

I actually think her wanting me to go home early is more to do with her wanting me to leave them alone than actually her caring about me going home early. So I guess you agree "go home before its dark and cold" is a lie ?

 

Yeah, I agree. It just sounds like a lame excuse to me. No one tells someone they value to come over and make them feel better, only to abruptly tell them to go home. Not anyone with good intentions, anyway.

 

What should I do now? Right now I'm thinking I'm going to confront her about all of this again tomorrow and tell her what exactly I think is going on. I'll probably be mad at her again. Should I do this? OR what do you suggest?

 

Yes, you definitely should confront her on it again and let her know how you feel about it.. I know she'll likely tell you it's nothing, but I don't think you should take that for an answer. Honestly, you have to at this point; it's quite clear that this is distressing for you, so simply not saying anything to her about it from here on in will not help you in any way.

[JustJoe]

She would rather spend her free time with this "friend". She tells you to leave so she can be with him, instead of you , her supposed BF. She is too sick to be alone, but isn't too sick to spend all day playing around at his place? She only wants to be with you , "to go to dinner"? What other things does she do with him, that you aren't aware of? She "took a nap", on his bed? Dude, with all due respect, You are coming off as a doormat.

[Imajerk17]

I'd just break up with her. This relationship is done anyway.

 

See power, in a good relationship, both partners respect each other. That means not only not cheating, but also not putting yourself in compromising situations or even situations that look bad. Her spending all day at this guy's apartment (and then not leaving with you!) definitely looks bad. Even if "nothing" happened--which I doubt btw.

 

Anyway, your girlfriend is definitely not respecting you. And when that happens, your relationship is over and you can't save it. So you might as well end it officially before she does, and walk away with your self-respect.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Imajerk17

[p0w3r]

I'd just break up with her. This relationship is done anyway.

 

See power, in a good relationship, both partners respect each other. That means not only not cheating, but also not putting yourself in compromising situations or even situations that look bad. Her spending all day at this guy's apartment (and then not leaving with you!) definitely looks bad. Even if "nothing" happened--which I doubt btw.

 

Anyway, your girlfriend is definitely not respecting you. And when that happens, your relationship is over and you can't save it. So you might as well end it officially before she does, and walk away with your self-respect.

 

I see what you are saying, and I had sensed this "lack of respect" a while ago, and as a result I had lowered my own commitment towards the relationship. (For example, before I would cancel my other plans like a friends party to be with her, but a while ago I'd just go to the party and just ignore her for that night).

 

This wasn't the first time she had been at his apartment, she goes there quite often. I didn't think too much about the other times because I wasn't there and there would be 2 or 3 guys there at the same time so they wouldnt be alone. and the times I used go there she'd leave his place with me pretty much when I got there. But this time I was furious because she told me to go there and then told me to go home. She says she thought I had brought my car so then that means we can go out to dinner but since I didn't she says she is too much in pain to walk and go outside.

 

Anyway, I was furious over this. I might have been temperamental, but my logic is..you told me to go there, and now you're gonna stay at this dude's house and make me the one that leaves u??!!!"

 

 

 

Is this relationship not save-able? Is it really over no matter what I try to do?

 

I think I could manage this breakup, but to be honest I don't want to be the one that was the victim of this and forced to leave. I'd rather leave because I did something bad and not SHE did something bad.

[Mad Max]

Dump her. If she hasn't cheated on you yet, she will very shortly. He doesn't respect boundaries and she'll keep doing this until you put your foot down.

[dispatch3d]

She would rather spend her free time with this "friend". She tells you to leave so she can be with him, instead of you , her supposed BF. She is too sick to be alone, but isn't too sick to spend all day playing around at his place? She only wants to be with you , "to go to dinner"? What other things does she do with him, that you aren't aware of? She "took a nap", on his bed? Dude, with all due respect, You are coming off as a doormat.

 

You are a doormat. She does not respect you. Breakup with her immediately.

 

When she told you "I was sick in class so I am spending the day with my guy friend in his apartment all day. Blablabla maybe you can come over and see if you can make me feel better blablabla" that would be the point I would have said no ****ing way. ESPECIALLY when she was like oh I took a nap at his place. Hahahaha you are so ****ing over the line. No respect. You're a doormat. Not having any of that.

[Imajerk17]

If you "stay" then she will have lost all respect for you if she hasn't already. Most likely she will cheat on you with this guy, if she hasn't already, and then break up with you. THAT will hurt.

 

If you "end it" she might--*might* actually come back crying to you about how wrong she was. But no matter what you'll have the self-respect to know that you walked away from a bad situation, which takes guts.

[p0w3r]

I think her asking you to come over could be a matter of her eliminating suspicion on your part. That's just my opinion, of course. Most women are secretive about that. I can't read her mind or anything, but I think she might've believed getting you over to his place would make you become "okay" with the situation--so then she wouldn't feel guilty about hanging around him because she's not hiding the fact from you.

 

OH? Thats an interesting perspective I hadn't thought before.

 

I asked her when we were back in her apartment.."why did you ask me to come????!!!!! If you wanted to hang out with him then fine but why you ask me to come??!!!!! Did you actually want me to come see you???!!!"

 

She replied.."yeah, I wanted to see you. thats why I asked you to come."

 

Maybe your right, its hard to tell. But I do genuinely think she wants to see me. She had often texted me to meet up and stuff and it was often her who initiated the meetings who had after classes etc etc. SInce my classes are often late, she'd wait for me for 2 or 3 hours either by herself in the library or with her friends until I finished class and then we'd go dinner etc etc. Does this help with anything? I think this could be either she has no one else to hang out with, or she actually wanted to see me. I'm not entirely sure but before when I asked her what kind of relationship you'd like she said "hang out together everyday".

 

Ideas?

 

Yeah, I agree. It just sounds like a lame excuse to me. No one tells someone they value to come over and make them feel better, only to abruptly tell them to go home. Not anyone with good intentions, anyway.

 

 

Indeed a lame excuse. I just wanted to be sure. Well both her and I know buses don't stop coming at 830pm. I just find it REALLY WEIRD AND ANGRY that she'd tellme to go home when she told me to go visit her in the first place and then SHE decides to stay at his place. I want to think that she wanted me to go home purely for my own benefit. But I just can't. It seems that she just wants me to leave.

 

 

Yes, you definitely should confront her on it again and let her know how you feel about it.. I know she'll likely tell you it's nothing, but I don't think you should take that for an answer. Honestly, you have to at this point; it's quite clear that this is distressing for you, so simply not saying anything to her about it from here on in will not help you in any way.

 

I definitely won't take "its nothing" or fake comforting messages she may give in response to me confronting her.

 

The question I gotta ask is, should I be 100% straight up about how I feel? Is it good to get mad and angry-toned or should I be calm and talk things over nicely. What's the best approach and strategy for this confrontation?

 

 

 

 

TO be honest, I feel this relationship will be over in practice even if it won't be over on paper.

[dispatch3d]

I see what you are saying, and I had sensed this "lack of respect" a while ago, and as a result I had lowered my own commitment towards the relationship. (For example, before I would cancel my other plans like a friends party to be with her, but a while ago I'd just go to the party and just ignore her for that night).

 

This wasn't the first time she had been at his apartment, she goes there quite often. I didn't think too much about the other times because I wasn't there and there would be 2 or 3 guys there at the same time so they wouldnt be alone. and the times I used go there she'd leave his place with me pretty much when I got there. But this time I was furious because she told me to go there and then told me to go home. She says she thought I had brought my car so then that means we can go out to dinner but since I didn't she says she is too much in pain to walk and go outside.

 

Anyway, I was furious over this. I might have been temperamental, but my logic is..you told me to go there, and now you're gonna stay at this dude's house and make me the one that leaves u??!!!"

 

 

 

Is this relationship not save-able? Is it really over no matter what I try to do?

 

I think I could manage this breakup, but to be honest I don't want to be the one that was the victim of this and forced to leave. I'd rather leave because I did something bad and not SHE did something bad.

 

You're mad about trivial bull****. I'd be mad she "took a nap" at this guys house, "went to his house" when she was "sick". No not a chance. Skipped class to be with him. Yeah, no, not cool. Again, over the line. Not happening in any relationship I'm in. Wanted to be with HIM instead of YOU lol ok that's the last straw lady. We're done.

[p0w3r]

alright guys, advise me on what exactly I should be doing in my next steps. Do a revenge affair? (even if not sexua,l but for example just hang out with other girls all the time and ignore her?) Or What?

 

I feel like she owes me so much that I'd be the one walking out of this relationship with a broken heart and damaged ego I can't just dump her right now, and set her free with the other guy.

 

Tell me what to do.

 

any advice appreciated

[Mad Max]

alright guys, advise me on what exactly I should be doing in my next steps. Do a revenge affair? (even if not sexua,l but for example just hang out with other girls all the time and ignore her?) Or What?

 

I feel like she owes me so much that I'd be the one walking out of this relationship with a broken heart and damaged ego I can't just dump her right now, and set her free with the other guy.

 

Tell me what to do.

 

any advice appreciated

 

 

If you do a revenge affair, you're no better than she is. Your best bet is to dump her and find someone that respects boundaries.

[dispatch3d]

alright guys, advise me on what exactly I should be doing in my next steps. Do a revenge affair? (even if not sexua,l but for example just hang out with other girls all the time and ignore her?) Or What?

 

I feel like she owes me so much that I'd be the one walking out of this relationship with a broken heart and damaged ego I can't just dump her right now, and set her free with the other guy.

 

Tell me what to do.

 

any advice appreciated

 

It's not me its you. . If she presses tell her her lack of respect for you isn't tolerable so you are leaving. (She obviously won't believe you because for whatever reason you are a doormat and cool with your girlfriend giving you 0 respect).

[naya1]

no..ur right at getting mad at her. she told u to come over and she then tells u to go home.

 

seems she doesnt look at u as the source of her fun anymore, or comfort.

 

she seems to have a lot in common with this guy..playing their psp games and stuff.

 

if u want, u should play with her too. if u love her that much.

 

all in all i think ur going to suffer here if you dont do anything about it. she seems so young.

[p0w3r]

You are a doormat. She does not respect you. Breakup with her immediately.

 

When she told you "I was sick in class so I am spending the day with my guy friend in his apartment all day. Blablabla maybe you can come over and see if you can make me feel better blablabla" that would be the point I would have said no ****ing way. ESPECIALLY when she was like oh I took a nap at his place. Hahahaha you are so ****ing over the line. No respect. You're a doormat. Not having any of that.

 

I see what you are saying. But we've been going out for 4 to 5 months and she seems to have a kind heart. I really never thought she'd do this kind of stuff to me, at least not intentionally. Maybe she thought what she was doing wasn't cheating and was acceptable and thats why she didn't stop herself?

 

Serious question: in a relationship, is it acceptable for her to be hanging out at that guy's place because she has no one else to provide her company and I wasn't there to be with her? I know she has not much to do at her own place as she lives alone and she really doesn't like being by herself, and hence thats the reason she's over at his place. And not because she WANT to hang out with him. She has said that she only goes to hang out with him because she has no one else and nothing else to do. (the times I wasn't there). So is this "I am only hanging out and taking naps at his place just because I have no other choice and don't want to be alone and not because I WANT to be there "because of that guy"," reason, good enough to accept?

 

I really didn't like that but I tried hard to understand it from her point of view and trusted her. Whats your guys opinion on this? I think I may have set her too loose.

[naya1]

well she didnt cheat yet but the way she is hanging out a lot with him, im not saying it ISNT gonna happen. but for now i dont think she is doing anything (like sleeping w/ him, etc) she probably has a lot of fun at his place and such.

 

it might lead to something more serious if u leave them together for too long.

 

she needs to understand how to compromise with u, and she will if she really loves you.

[dispatch3d]

I see what you are saying. But we've been going out for 4 to 5 months and she seems to have a kind heart. I really never thought she'd do this kind of stuff to me, at least not intentionally. Maybe she thought what she was doing wasn't cheating and was acceptable and thats why she didn't stop herself?

 

Serious question: in a relationship, is it acceptable for her to be hanging out at that guy's place because she has no one else to provide her company and I wasn't there to be with her? I know she has not much to do at her own place as she lives alone and she really doesn't like being by herself, and hence thats the reason she's over at his place. And not because she WANT to hang out with him. She has said that she only goes to hang out with him because she has no one else and nothing else to do. (the times I wasn't there). So is this "I am only hanging out and taking naps at his place just because I have no other choice and don't want to be alone and not because I WANT to be there "because of that guy"," reason, good enough to accept?

 

I really didn't like that but I tried hard to understand it from her point of view and trusted her. Whats your guys opinion on this? I think I may have set her too loose.

 

For ****s sake. What about your point of view? No, she's not allowed to have replacement boyfriends. That's pretty damn simple.

 

Can she hang out with other guys? Yes as long as you are okay with it (on a one on one basis). But hanging out with guys 1-on-1 you should be told about and be okay with. Guys don't call other guys up to "hang out". If a guy wants to "hang out" with her on a 1 on 1 basis and she doesn't realize they want to **** her then she's lieing.

 

That other bull**** you wrote. You actually buy her bull****? Seriously. You get bored at home and decide that visiting this hot girl 3 doors down and sleeping in her bed is pretty damn normal? lkajsdf;lkjasdlf;kj

[naya1]

as for ur srs question, no it really isnt acceptable. sorry..

:bunny: male and female in one room, and the female has a bf. nope.

@dispatched: i think shes fairly young..but that happened to me too way back in college. started to play diablo a lot with this guy while i still had a bf and before i knew it we were making out.

lesson learned. or ..was it..

[p0w3r]

no..ur right at getting mad at her. she told u to come over and she then tells u to go home.

 

seems she doesnt look at u as the source of her fun anymore, or comfort.

 

she seems to have a lot in common with this guy..playing their psp games and stuff.

 

if u want, u should play with her too. if u love her that much.

 

all in all i think ur going to suffer here if you dont do anything about it. she seems so young.

 

she's really young and inexperienced. even though she is 19 years old. but to be honest she is more 15 on the inside. She's such a kid in many ways. I am her first proper boyfriend. (she's had ex's before in school but they were more friends than proper BF/GFs and none lasted more than one month).

 

Many things in common with that guy? I wouldn't say "Many". They do share a passion for Pokemon games, but that the only thing I see them having in common hobbie-wise. That guy barely ever goes to class and bascially just goes to the internet-cafe or just go to play pool and sleeps during the day alot. So yes, gaming/cartoons wise they have a lot in common, but I don't think they have anything else hobbies-wise in common. They are from pretty different backgrounds also.

 

I thought abuot playing together with her, but since I lowered my commitment level to her i decided its not worth it anymore spending money and time on something just so i can please her. We can do so many other things like going shopping or watching tv drama etc together. I know for a fact that apart from gaming me and her has much more things in common than that guy and her.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to hang out with me for fun or comfort anymore, but I often wonder why does she want to meet me everyday. She could just tell me shes busy and go meet him instead of waiting for me to finish class everyday. Or just dump me.

 

would it be good or bad to be mad at her again next time i see her and confront her about this topic again??

[naya1]

well in that case she doesnt know how to handle a relationship, so its fairly much in ur hands how it needs to be run.

had this same issue w/ my bf. he didnt know how to handle things