my situation

[ataloss_08]

So my girlfriend of 2 years leaves 2 weeks ago to figure things out. She does know that she wants to get married and have kids, and is not sure that I wanted the same things. I have two kids from previous relationship that lasted 17 years. I'm 41, she's turning 30 in a month. I was planning on asking her to marry me in oct. Since she's been gone, i've realized how much i love and care for her, and want to have another child with her. I've also realized how much of a selfish jerk i have been to her in the past 6 to 8 months. I've esentially put my career as a priority over her, and it took her leaving for me to see this. Now she's wanting to get together and talk about things tonight, and i'm scared to death that she's going to tell me it's over. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and i don't want to lose her. I've realized the mistakes that I've made, and want more than anything to show her that. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Don Ho]

I have three words of advice: don't do it. If you have the sense that she is going to tell you it's over, don't go. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose. I know you love her and want to see her, but this will not help you. I think you need to tell her that something came up tonite, but maybe later this week. Then go NC and do not respond to her texts and calls until the end of the week. I'm serious Bro. Do not go meet her tonite.

[ataloss_08]

That's what i don't know. Maybe she's going to tell me that she wants to work things out? She's staying with a couple that just split up a month or so and got back together. I'm just so confused right now I can't think straight.

[Don Ho]

That's what i don't know. Maybe she's going to tell me that she wants to work things out? She's staying with a couple that just split up a month or so and got back together. I'm just so confused right now I can't think straight.

 

NO!!!! Do not do it! That is NOT what she is going to say. There will be no positive outcome from it Bro. No, you're not thinking straight, so listen to what I'm saying: do not go meet her tonite!!

[ataloss_08]

So essentially i should just assume she's going to come over and tell me that it's over? All of my buddies have been telling me to buy flowers, get down on my knees and tell her that I do want to marry her. That is one of her biggest problems with me. She didn't think that I wanted the same things in life she did.

[Don Ho]

So essentially i should just assume she's going to come over and tell me that it's over? All of my buddies have been telling me to buy flowers, get down on my knees and tell her that I do want to marry her. That is one of her biggest problems with me. She didn't think that I wanted the same things in life she did.

 

NOOOO!!!! That is NOT what you want to do!!! Bro. Put your emotions aside. If you can meet with her tonite, you can meet with her Friday or next week. WTH is your hurry? Just to get an answer or to assuage your anxiety? Patience is a virtue. WAIT!! Do not meet with her today.

[ataloss_08]

I think at this point, i just want a definite answer. I realize you can't make someone love you, but i know she still does love me, and might for a while even if she is going to tell me it's over. I feel like if she tells me one way or the other, i can put closure to that part of my life, and go about the process of fixing the things that i done to bring her and i to that point. that way, if we're never meant to be together, we will each find someone else and be better people for having gone through this.

[Banega100]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT GO.

don't go. don't go. don't go.

 

Your buddy's say buy her flowers!! why not get on your knees and beg her while youre at it? If you follow Don Ho's advice to the letter then you have a chance. If you act like the hero in a film who wants to chase after the girl and shows her what she means to him then it will be all over.

 

It's a question of whether you want that 'hit' of talking to her right away, or the chance of a relationship later on down the line.

 

DON'T GO. i pray you see sense, because heartbreak ****ing hurts!

[Silvaria]

I think at this point, i just want a definite answer.

 

Personally, I agree. I wouldn't do the flowers or telling her you want to marry her, though...but I would at least hear her out. If she says it's over, you can go from there, but refusing to hear her out isn't going to make things better, IMO. You at least need to know where she stands on this relationship, so you can plan accordingly for YOUR future.

[Am4Real]

I think at this point, i just want a definite answer. I realize you can't make someone love you, but i know she still does love me, and might for a while even if she is going to tell me it's over. I feel like if she tells me one way or the other, i can put closure to that part of my life, and go about the process of fixing the things that i done to bring her and i to that point. that way, if we're never meant to be together, we will each find someone else and be better people for having gone through this.

 

Dear Ataloss,

 

This reply is much later than your last post so if you didn’t listen to DonHo you may already be in her company. I’m afraid for you – with certainty I think you are about to walk into a situation you think you are prepared for however likely you are not ready for emotionally.

 

Think about it this way. You are being invited to somewhat neutral spot for her. A tell-tale sign the news or discussion has been well designed and thought as something you might react with. If it was positive and needing constructive work, she would probably have asked to come to your place.

 

Although she and you may now want the same thing, she did not know that when she made her decision to leave and for the most part will think your words are purposely being said to keep her in the relationship.

 

By delaying the meeting and perhaps asking her to come to your place on Friday (for example) an immediate “no lets meet tonight” or “no, I’d rather meet at our friends home” response will clue you in to the expected nature of the conversation. At that point you can decide if speaking with her at all is what you want.

 

Keep us posted whatever you decide.

[Don Ho]

Bro, you need to listen to Banega100, Silvaria and me. You SHOULD NOT meet with her tonite because you want an answer now. That answer, if you go tonite, will be "no". If you let it rest a while you will have a better chance of a "maybe". Like my late Father used to say: "Haste makes waste". That means when you make a hasty decision it will be a wasteful decision. When you rush to meet her because you're eager for an answer because you can't handle the anguish and anxiety, you will end up with a bad result.

[Silvaria]

Bro, you need to listen to Banega100, Silvaria and me. You SHOULD NOT meet with her tonite because you want an answer now.

 

Heh...actually, I recommended he do meet her tonight, and at least get an answer as to what's going on with her. Even if it's something he doesn't want to hear, he'll know, and be able to deal with it accordingly. Not knowing can be worse, in my experience.

[Am4Real]

Heh...actually, I recommended he do meet her tonight, and at least get an answer as to what's going on with her. Even if it's something he doesn't want to hear, he'll know, and be able to deal with it accordingly. Not knowing can be worse, in my experience.

 

Silvaria,

 

The posters in the “do not meet her” standing are not trying to solve a riddle or some unknown, we are saving him or at least advising him on how to avoid emotional turmoil and situational turbulence.

 

Of course “not knowing” can be trying for any EX, but why give advice in support of him meeting his EX in a situation that can cause more harm than good as we all expect?

 

The OP asked for logical advice based on his emotions and what might he expect to transpire as I recall. If he simply said to us "the only thing I want the forum to solve is what does she want to talk about" we could have said "go meet her". But that is not what he asked us to comment on.

[Banega100]

Did he go?

[Don Ho]

Heh...actually, I recommended he do meet her tonight, and at least get an answer as to what's going on with her. Even if it's something he doesn't want to hear, he'll know, and be able to deal with it accordingly. Not knowing can be worse, in my experience.

 

That's great advice if he doesn't want her back and wants to scare her off. What answer is he going to get? Nothing positive, which is what he wants. So he's going to go meet her when he is not ready and when she has not had time or space to think. Her reaction is just going to be to push him away more. Silvaria, you can't even run your own situation right, no wonder you gave him that advice.

[Am4Real]

That's great advice if he doesn't want her back and wants to scare her off. What answer is he going to get? Nothing positive, which is what he wants. So he's going to go meet her when he is not ready and when she has not had time or space to think. Her reaction is just going to be to push him away more. Silvaria, you can't even run your own situation right, no wonder you gave him that advice.

 

Bravo sir...BRAVO!!

[Don Ho]

LOL. Thanks, I think. I really should hold my thoughts sometimes. I do empathize and sympathize with Silvaria and what she's going through. I just think she's misguiding others that are in pain and searching for an answer on LS with her unproven strategy and advice. Sorry for the HiJack. Continue on.....

[Billie The Puppet]

LOL. Thanks, I think. I really should hold my thoughts sometimes. I do empathize and sympathize with Silvaria and what she's going through. I just think she's misguiding others that are in pain and searching for an answer on LS with her unproven strategy and advice. Sorry for the HiJack. Continue on.....

 

Have my methods gotten to you in my all but 15 day's here lol !

[ataloss_08]

Sorry, but, i didn't listen, and meet with her. She actually came to my (our) house to discuss things. I have mixed feelings about the result. I feel like such an @ss, because i didn't realize what had gotten her to this point. I had basically been pushing her away for some time because of a number of things that were going on in our lives. She also made me realize that I had been subconsciously comparing her to my ex (which by the way, there is no comparison). I have been thinking about this, and the only answer I have for that is because I do want to marry this woman and spend the rest of my life with her. I know that in my heart, but I’m the type of person that has to analyze everything in my head before taking action. Btw, I was with my kids’ mother for 17 years, and we were never married because it just wasn’t right between us.

 

Any way, one thing she said to me seemed rather odd. My 6 year old son lives with me except for Mondays and every other weekend. That being said, she told me if it were not for him, she would be back trying to work things out already, but she has become so attached to him that she couldn't take that chance and risk hurting him? She thanked me for giving her space over the last couple of weeks, but most of our mutual friends were driving her nuts talking about what is going on between her and I. She also said that “this may be the biggest mistake I’ll make in my life, but I don’t feel the passion we used to share right now”. We talked for almost 2 hours, and I basically told her I respected her feelings, and realize that there is work I need to do on myself before I thought we could be happily together again. We hugged a few times, I walked her to her car, we hugged and kissed and said goodbye. No “I love you” exchanged. So I’m crazy hurt by all this, but all the while I’m feeling better knowing what got us to this point, and knowing what I need to work on within myself. So I text her to make sure she gets to where she’s staying, and tell her good night, sweet dreams.

 

Tuesday I decided no contact was the way to go, even though I wanted her to know I still want us to have a shot at working this out. All is good with that until last night, when she texts me wanting something she left at the house for her sisters wedding in a couple of weeks. I was to the point, and told her where I would leave it and she could pick it up whenever.

 

I’ve made up my mind, I’m going to listen to your advice from this point out, and want to know how I proceed from here? Thanks for the advice you’ve already given, and any that follows.

[Am4Real]

 

Any way, one thing she said to me seemed rather odd. My 6 year old son lives with me except for Mondays and every other weekend. That being said, she told me if it were not for him, she would be back trying to work things out already, but she has become so attached to him that she couldn't take that chance and risk hurting him? She thanked me for giving her space over the last couple of weeks, but most of our mutual friends were driving her nuts talking about what is going on between her and I. She also said that “this may be the biggest mistake I’ll make in my life, but I don’t feel the passion we used to share right now”. We talked for almost 2 hours, and I basically told her I respected her feelings, and realize that there is work I need to do on myself before I thought we could be happily together again. We hugged a few times, I walked her to her car, we hugged and kissed and said goodbye. No “I love you” exchanged. So I’m crazy hurt by all this, but all the while I’m feeling better knowing what got us to this point, and knowing what I need to work on within myself. So I text her to make sure she gets to where she’s staying, and tell her good night, sweet dreams.

 

 

 

An indeed interesting “ploy” she brought to you but nonetheless your story and her actions are what we warned you as most likely. I’m not gloating believe me, we’ve all made the same mistake(s) at some point in our relationship misery.

 

First rule of any relationship, any marriage, and divorce…now read this line carefully: [highlight]NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER DRAG CHILDREN INTO A DISAGREEMENT OR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM.[/highlight] It’s a selfish and self-motivated excuse in this case for her to buy time or not reveal her true decision and/or to keep her options open and of course to generally deflect blame.

 

Bottom line for you: you now have to realize and deal with what I call a soft-dump (again like we told you is likely). What she is really saying to you is “it’s over” and by meeting with you she was making her and supposedly your joint friends questions about “what’s going on with you both” a historical one at that. She can now tell them she has spoken with you and it didn’t work out. Geez, feel better now? Probably not! This is why we so adamantly disagreed with one poster in this forum on subjecting yourself to the content of this supposed “no agenda” meeting.

 

So where to you go from here?

 

Whatever is in your home that belongs to her, box it up, put a label on it and mail it to her. If she needs it right away, place it on your doorstep and tell her an exact time it will be there and get out of the house 30 minutes before the time and stay out 2 hours past. If the box is still on your doorstep when you return – throw the entire box in the garbage. Do not repeat the box drop off routine after that one attempt or you will continue to relive misery.

 

Next, go NO CONTACT. BTW, you do not need to send her a note or God forbid a TEXT to tell her all about your NO CONTACT rule. That would just be you looking for attention. Just do it!

 

If she comes back around again, and again, and again or whatever…you have a choice to either go through this again or understand what she really is driving for. So….unless she states emphatically she wants to get back together, stay NO CONTACT.

 

Revisit that response at least each week as it will surely be changing over time. In the meantime follow up on the “I need to work on myself” promise you made. Do you agree?

 

Now get going…it will be fine. You sound like a genuine human being who has learned a valuable lesson and in the end will be much better for it.

 

Best wishes!!

Edited September 16, 2010 by Am4Real

[ataloss_08]

Thanks again for the reply. And believe me; I would never under any circumstances bring my kids into the relationship. My son is asking questions about her, and why she is not there, but he is 6, and I think I’m handling that pretty well. He made me laugh the other night, asking "Dad, did A**** leave because you made her do all the laundry?”

 

I do realize there are some things I need to work on, and am doing just that. I also realize that I have a lot more positive things going on in my life than to dwell on what might be or have been, with her, but it's hard not to. She is a genuinely great person, and I love her to death. As I told her during our meeting, I know that as selfish as I've become over the past 6-8 months, that if she found someone other than me, and was truly happy, it would make me happy for her, because I love her that much (probably not what I should have said, but in my heart it's true).

 

I will box everything up tonight, and let her know that I’m going to sit it out for her to pick up when I leave for work tomorrow, so that will not be an issue. The only things she took when she left was what she brought when she moved in.

 

I was just wondering if some other things are weighing on her mind? Her younger sister is getting married in a couple of weeks, she's going to turn 30 next month, we've been dating for 2 years and I haven't asked her to marry me yet (although that was my plan for her 30th birthday party, in front of all of our family and friends). If she has one fault, it is that she is very impatient.

[Don Ho]

Well Bro, you shouldn't have met with her but it's done now. No point in us beating you up because you already get that it didn't really help or resolve anything and now you understand you have to go NC. Do not contact her anymore regarding ANYTHING; kid, wedding, stuff, etc.

[ataloss_08]

so do i just box stuff up and wait until she asks for it? nothing meaningful, just decorations, a couple of photo's and general household stuff. trust me, it would be easier at this point to let it lie, and wait til some point down the road for her to come and get it.

[Banega100]

Aww man! you went!? Bad luck buddy. I'm pretty gutted for you, but it's done.

 

She might be 'impatient', or as people often claim about their ex's; 'stubborn', yet this doesn't change whether or not that person has feelings for you. Which is what it's about at the end of the day, and if there are feelings then the person will generally pursue you.

 

Write her off completely until you get a message saying 'i miss you and made a mistake'. Am4real's advice as to where to go from here is pretty comprehensive.

[ataloss_08]

i beleive you are right. i just got another txt from her "got my stuff thanks". from her txts last night, it was like she was leaving the door open for me to start a conversation, but she left, so i'm just going to presume it's over (easier said than done) until or if she ever tells me she made a mistake and wants to work things out. this is going to be hard.