mirage12 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 My ex and I broke up a little more than a month ago...it's been pretty hard on me. Even though this amount of time has passed and things are much better than they were weeks ago, I still find myself thinking about her all the time and wondering how she's doing. We've texted every so often and talked on the phone a few times since, even though i've deleted her number multiple times and have resolved to stick to NC only to have her text me something totally mundane/useless. Recently we've talked a few times about maybe getting coffee ("as friends") and she's also brought up how it's hard to talk to me because it causes her to start wondering if I'm dating anyone new yet. I miss her so much and even though limited contact doesn't always make me feel great after, i'm so afraid of losing contact with her completely. I don't know if going to coffee with her is a good idea (what if it's awkward, what if she's perfectly adjusted and sees I'm not, I'm afraid that things will be so formal/unemotional now that it'll kill me to think about afterwards) but at the same time I want to see her so much, even if just another time, as if one more time face to face will help push me into the realization that maybe things won't ever be the same again. Another reason I've been thinking about coffee is because in a few weeks she's going to be at an alumni football game that I'll be at too...a lot of our mutual friends will be there and I know there's a really good chance I'll run into her and both of us will probably be drunk. I don't know if I want the first time I see her since breaking up to be like that because I have no idea how good or horrible that might go...what should I do?
Billie The Puppet Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Read college guys thread in second chances I believe He had a coffee meet up, it's something I would jump on myself given the opportunity.
Author mirage12 Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 There are some other circumstances as well...we had kind of an emotional relationship, and while overall we both agreed it was really good, this was also the third time we broke up (the first two times, we were back together within a day or two...this time, not so). And while i think we broke up prematurely, thinking really long term, I also don't know if it would have ever lead to something like marriage due to just differences in the way we think...but despite all this, i can't stop myself from thinking about a "second chance" like you said, but am I just deluding myself? Is seeing her going to break me down to the point where i was several weeks ago or is it worth even the most remote shot to get a chance to see what she says/how she acts in person?
Rellek Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 If you do decide to meet up keep your emotions under control. It's freaking hard to do but you gotta show indifference. She needs to feel that you're moving on and it will stir feelings of remembrance and the good times you had. Being friends will net you nothing but pain though. Try to remain distant in the future. You don't want to hear about her new social life when she gets one.
Author mirage12 Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 if being friends nets nothing but pain is it even worth trying to meet up with her? it seems like she already is moving on, the last time we talked she mentioned how she'd been smiling a lot lately...she's asked me a few times if i've found a new girl or wondered about if i'm dating so I don't think she's found a new guy yet, but i just really don't know what to do or if I should meet up with her...i feel like there's so much that's unfinished or so much that "might" happen, but in reality i'll probably end up having a very difficult time keeping emotions in check depending on how she acts if I were to see her
Don Ho Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Do not meet up with her for coffee despite that fact that you're missing her terribly and have unanswered questions. These "meetings" rarely ever go well. You're likely to hear things you don't want to hear. Let it go for a couple of weeks. Running into her at the football game is much more natural, just let it go until then.
Faruiza Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I agree with Don Ho about the football game. Maybe you just want time with her 1 to 1 which is why you are thinking of the coffee. But that sounds like it won't be healthy for you, as you aren't ready to hear how she is progressing. Seriously, one month is NOTHING. I have only felt ready to email my ex of 2 years ago recently. It was fine and really nice to email him, but did not disturb me and I went on with my life. It can take that long though. So be kind to yourself and do things you enjoy. Time is the healer. Good luck and trust your heart, not your ups and downs of emotion. Maybe let the ups and downs play out for a bit, then you can have a clear head and heart. All best to you.
Author mirage12 Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 yeah i definitely understand what the two of you are saying, and I know realistically that maybe seeing her now won't make things any better...it's just hard to know that she's so close and I maybe have an opportunity to see her, which I haven't since the break-up...and also maybe some tiny part of me hopes that by us interacting again, we can remember how things used to be or that she'll miss it..but if I do nothing, that little window of opportunity closes forever (if it hasn't already) and she's out of my life for good, which still hurts to think about.
Don Ho Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 yeah i definitely understand what the two of you are saying, and I know realistically that maybe seeing her now won't make things any better...it's just hard to know that she's so close and I maybe have an opportunity to see her, which I haven't since the break-up...and also maybe some tiny part of me hopes that by us interacting again, we can remember how things used to be or that she'll miss it..but if I do nothing, that little window of opportunity closes forever (if it hasn't already) and she's out of my life for good, which still hurts to think about. You have it exactly backwards Bro. At this point interacting will not make her remember things or miss you. More likely she will respond with hostility and give you an earful you're not ready to hear. Your only "little window of opportunity" will be closed if you go and meet her for coffee because you can't handle your anxiety, pain and discomfort. The only window you have is to go NC so that you can heal and hopefully that will give her the time and space away from you so she can think and hopefully miss you. Let it go until the football game and go get busy with your life so she will see and "feel" the change if she sees you there.
Author mirage12 Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 thank you, yeah what you're saying logically makes the most sense, it's just hard to think in that way about something like this. I guess it is probably best to forget about the coffee and if I see her at the game, then I see her. i've been trying to keep busy by throwing myself into school and meeting as many new people as I can, but certain things are just still so weird to think about, ie. wondering if/who she's hooking up with now, wondering if she thinks about us at all, etc. i guess all i can do is wait for time to hopefully make me forget or at least no longer think about any of this...easier said than done.
shayan Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Yes, don't go, don't go for a long time. And consider this, if you guys are so different why are you so focused on getting her back. The funny thing is the more you focus on it the less likely it is to work, I say you try breaking out of your comfort zone and being alone for a while and meeting new women. Just try out a couple girls before you go jumping on the ex bandwagon meet new people, my guess is you'll find someone that you are much more compatible with and thus you are not just operating based on nostalgia. And while you are meeting new women she might call. Don't reach out to her doing this time it wont help, reach out to yourself.
Author mirage12 Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 I guess I didn't really say earlier, but this girl was first love for me, I'd dated one other girl before her, but this last relationship was the first time I can say I "fell in love"...so I guess now I'm going through the motions of first love ending/how it hurts a lot worse the first time, etc etc. Thank you for your advice though, as hard as it is for me to accept, I do think that what you're saying is right.
Jeff M Stevens Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I'm sorry that you're hurting guy but please forget about her. One of two things is going on. ONE: You either selected the wrong girl or TWO: You treated the right one, wrong Either way, once a break up occurs it will NEVER BE THE SAME. There is a reason that you two broke up (several reasons in fact) and once it starts going south, it is staying south. She will never forget the things that broke you two up and while you may get her back, she will not be the same girl. She will be a less interested, less forgiving version of your former love. She will only be there not because she's truly in love with you but because she couldn't find anyone better. One chance, per woman, per lifetime. PLEASE move on to a new girl that you have a legitimate shot with.
Am4Real Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Mirage, Here’s how it works…when one of you wished to break it off it didn’t take agreement form the other. When one of you wants to reconcile you cannot until both parties want the same thing. You believe that, correct – it’s simple logic? If you happen to be the one who wants to reconcile as seemingly the case, all the run-ins at the local pub, football game or wherever, will not likely change a thing with the other person. And the more this happens the more turmoil your life will be – then with the increased turmoil comes an even less attraction to you since you are likely going to say or do something that will not be received well by “her” in this quest. Ultimately the process for your healing is longer, dysfunctional for your life and schooling, and an overall emotional burden. Not good! She may be wondering what you are doing or even missing you – that is not a directive to reconcile and all the run-ins and words trying to convince her will not solidly change her mind. She has to want it on her own – she needs to think it was her idea – she needs to realize what she doesn’t have and must have in her life. Until then you need to heal, my friend. There are hundreds of posts on the benefits of NO CONTACT so this post will not be repetitive of sorts. Please review them as time permits and start your healing process. If she decides she needs you, you may not need her anymore as hard as that is to believe right now. As time moves on your indifferences will develop, believe that. Make sure you know what you really want so you’re not caught up in an emotional roller coaster should she return in any way. And if she does and you decide to speak, she should make it very clear of her intentions. [highlight]If you do not hear simple words there is not a likely simple intent[/highlight]. Best wishes.
Am4Real Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Either way, once a break up occurs it will NEVER BE THE SAME. There is a reason that you two broke up (several reasons in fact) and once it starts going south, it is staying south.. Agree in principal but disagree that all stay south. There are variable that can affect the future, particularilty the amount of time of the break up versus a quick one-week break (for example). She will never forget the things that broke you two up and while you may get her back, she will not be the same girl... Do they ever forget anything, LOL? One chance, per woman, per lifetime. That's a little harsh but in principal it's a true statement. Again, I think it depends on a couples' termination and the length of time. Sometimes harsh words are spoken that are easily forgiven while other times the incompatabilities I beleive you are subtly referring to are the issue.
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