And what if they 'don't' come back

[blizzard]

How do you get past the feeling that maybe you weren't really loved afterall. That maybe it was all just a game.

 

I am a victim of being thrown under a bus so that may explain the way I feel. I miss his touch. His voice. The I love yous. And just having a best friend to share things with. I really feel like he has died. And I grieve him.

 

Jealousy strikes when I hear how xMM has "contacted" the OW and wants more. Yet, my head tells me I don't need him back...and to pity them. And to be thankful that my xMM is gone.

 

They were suppose to be divorcing. His wife discovered us and wanted to repair the marriage. He wasn't completely honest with her about our affair. But I never told BS any different. He told me that he was in love with two women but he fell in love with her first. Made vows to her. He said she wanted MC. I asked what he wanted...he said he didn't know yet...that it hasn't even been a month... that he couldn't ask me to wait.

 

It's been 4 months of NC. I have respected their wish and not contacted him at all.

 

Sometimes I daydream. I see him showing up in a years time ready to move on with us. But in reality, it looks as though I will never see him again as long as I live...

[September]

How do you get past the feeling that maybe you weren't really loved afterall. That maybe it was all just a game.

 

I am a victim of being thrown under a bus so that may explain the way I feel. I miss his touch. His voice. The I love yous. And just having a best friend to share things with. I really feel like he has died. And I grieve him.

 

Jealousy strikes when I hear how xMM has "contacted" the OW and wants more. Yet, my head tells me I don't need him back...and to pity them. And to be thankful that my xMM is gone.

 

They were suppose to be divorcing. His wife discovered us and wanted to repair the marriage. He wasn't completely honest with her about our affair. But I never told BS any different. He told me that he was in love with two women but he fell in love with her first. Made vows to her. He said she wanted MC. I asked what he wanted...he said he didn't know yet...that it hasn't even been a month... that he couldn't ask me to wait.

 

It's been 4 months of NC. I have respected their wish and not contacted him at all.

 

Sometimes I daydream. I see him showing up in a years time ready to move on with us. But in reality, it looks as though I will never see him again as long as I live...

 

 

Sounds exactly like my situation...

[whichwayisup]

Here's a quote from Spooky, "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that missing people (who don't want to be in your life) is foolish. Even though he really has managed to dig a hole for himself in my heart these last ten months."

 

a thread I just read and you should take a look at..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2993867#post2993867

 

The A is over and you going down memory lane isn't helping you recover or totally get over him.

 

Find a passionate hobby and pour your soul into it. Keep busy and don't let your mind "go" there. Be proactive in healing..Noone can do this for you.

 

Congrats on the 4 months NC. Keep it up.

[SouthernLady]

Just wanted to let you know I feel the same. Going back between reality and day dreaming...I also pray for God to change my heart so I will no longer want him. In my head I know the most loving thing to do is respect NC and continually work on moving forward so I can find the man for me and be ready when he comes along. However, my heart screams no! As a Christian, I know this is why I should have guarded my heart to begin with.

[BB07]

You know, it's OK to grieve, it's a normal process and I'm doing it too and it sucks. There have been days when if I could have, I would have just pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep the pain away, but we can't indulge ourselves too often, so we have to get moving, get living and move on. It's part of the process of healing, of getting better. I feel like I can see some light at the end of the tunnel but yet I'm afraid that I'll go back to that dark hole again, but it's all temporary. It won't feel like this nor hurt this much every day for the rest of our lives, so remember that ladies.

 

Also it has helped me to accept that it's OK to still love him, still miss him, the feelings are OK to accept, but yet I also accept that I can't do anything about the feelings.

 

For those who don't know my story, I thought I was dating a separated MM who was on his way to divorce.....he was not, he was very much married. He was for all intents and purposes living a double life. D day happened when the BS and I started communicating, and wow what a tangled web of lies he had told both of us.

[tami-chan]

How do you get past the feeling that maybe you weren't really loved afterall. That maybe it was all just a game.

 

I am a victim of being thrown under a bus so that may explain the way I feel. I miss his touch. His voice. The I love yous. And just having a best friend to share things with. I really feel like he has died. And I grieve him.

 

Jealousy strikes when I hear how xMM has "contacted" the OW and wants more. Yet, my head tells me I don't need him back...and to pity them. And to be thankful that my xMM is gone.

 

They were suppose to be divorcing. His wife discovered us and wanted to repair the marriage. He wasn't completely honest with her about our affair. But I never told BS any different. He told me that he was in love with two women but he fell in love with her first. Made vows to her. He said she wanted MC. I asked what he wanted...he said he didn't know yet...that it hasn't even been a month... that he couldn't ask me to wait.

 

It's been 4 months of NC. I have respected their wish and not contacted him at all.

 

Sometimes I daydream. I see him showing up in a years time ready to move on with us. But in reality, it looks as though I will never see him again as long as I live...

 

Accept that he has made the choice-he does not want you to wait and must now grieve the loss in order to move on. It is part and parcel of the healing process. Stop speculating. He loved you but for whatever reason it was not enough to leave his marriage. You do not have to know the reason why he stayed, just that he did. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[jj33]

Sorry you are hurting. If you wanted him to leave and hes not, then post A contact is meaningless and disrespectful. Sadly there are too many stories on the boards of people whose MMs have contacted them for years after and nothing changes. I know I am one of them.

 

So dont be jealous. Be grateful that he respects you enough and cares about you enough and is mature enough to accept that you deserve better than his waffling.

[Ellin]

Here's a quote from Spooky, "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that missing people (who don't want to be in your life) is foolish. Even though he really has managed to dig a hole for himself in my heart these last ten months."

 

a thread I just read and you should take a look at..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2993867#post2993867

 

The A is over and you going down memory lane isn't helping you recover or totally get over him.

 

Find a passionate hobby and pour your soul into it. Keep busy and don't let your mind "go" there. Be proactive in healing..Noone can do this for you.

 

Congrats on the 4 months NC. Keep it up.

Missing someone is an emotion.

Emotions are not foolish - they just ARE.

And they cannot be switched off until they run their course.

 

It's only the most natural way to feel that Blizzard describes in her situation.

[Ellin]

How do you get past the feeling that maybe you weren't really loved afterall. That maybe it was all just a game.

 

I am a victim of being thrown under a bus so that may explain the way I feel. I miss his touch. His voice. The I love yous. And just having a best friend to share things with. I really feel like he has died. And I grieve him.

 

Jealousy strikes when I hear how xMM has "contacted" the OW and wants more. Yet, my head tells me I don't need him back...and to pity them. And to be thankful that my xMM is gone.

 

They were suppose to be divorcing. His wife discovered us and wanted to repair the marriage. He wasn't completely honest with her about our affair. But I never told BS any different. He told me that he was in love with two women but he fell in love with her first. Made vows to her. He said she wanted MC. I asked what he wanted...he said he didn't know yet...that it hasn't even been a month... that he couldn't ask me to wait.

 

It's been 4 months of NC. I have respected their wish and not contacted him at all.

 

Sometimes I daydream. I see him showing up in a years time ready to move on with us. But in reality, it looks as though I will never see him again as long as I live...

 

I feel your pain Blizzard and wish I could do something to lessen it.

 

Don't think he didn't really love you. It just wasn't meant to be. Love is not always enough.

 

Those OW who hear from their MM again have no guarantee that things will work out for them. It might in the end only prolong the pain.

 

There's nothing that can make it ok right away. You need a bit of time to start feeling better, but you will.

 

One day, when you least expect it, you'll find yourself falling in love again and your heart will be mended.

 

Best of luck!

[TigerCub]

Sorry you're in pain Blizzard

 

I completely understand that hurt and questioning if you ever mattered at all. Chances are you did, and the love was real, but things were too complicated and the ties to someone a person marries are hard to break.

 

Guys especially become huge cowards when it comes to walking away from a marriage, even if they're not happy in it.

I know that alone, doesn't help you. But you have to keep in mind that it wasn't you that wasn't good enough, it was a messed up situation.

 

In time, it will get better, keep busy, date others, and give yourself the chance to really mourn this loss and heal. (so much easier said than done)

 

***Hugs***

[Grace2010]

I didn't read through all the replies, so this may be a repeat...but just because he went back doesn't mean that he didn't love you.

 

They have history, vows, a foundation (if you will) that will keep the majority of MM from just walking away.

 

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, date when you're ready, and give him the space he needs while not compromising yourself and waiting around.

 

the likelihood that he'll actually leave is fairly small (I would think...I wonder if there's any REAL research out there?)

 

and that's just a MM that will separate and move OUT. The ones that decide to D is even smaller, and the ones that D and stay with their OM? I would think that probability (while not impossible) is fairly slim.

 

So love him. Love yourself more. Journal, write emails or letters that you save somewhere, do something kind for yourself every day (buy flowers, read a book, get back into an old hobby).

 

But also allow yourself to grieve and be sad. But try not to get too stuck in being angry because he chose to go back to his wife. That's a huge hurdle for anyone to overcome, and statistically he's doing what makes the most sense.

 

I'm sure he does love you, and that he's struggling too.

 

HUGS (it gets easier)

[Hazyhead]

Blizzard, if they don't come back, you'll heal quicker and move on far more smoothly and peacefully than you will if he does, and he messes you around some more. Plus, there's the bonus of that amazing guy waiting in your future that's totally single and yours!

 

Long run I hope you start to see it as a good thing. Leave him to it and concentrate on you.

 

Hugs,

 

Hazy

[wheelwright]

A year ago, I may have felt similarly to you, but I wouldn't have been able to reply coherently.

 

Now? Yes, time will help. No, not in the way you think. It doesn't go away, you won't lose all, and you may not love in the same way again.

 

But you will (hopefully) stop feeling it was a game, and you will suddenly know, when the heartbreak is over, the meaning of what you went through.

 

And that, unfortunately, but with real consolation, is your reward for the love you invested.

[pureinheart]

Here's a quote from Spooky, "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that missing people (who don't want to be in your life) is foolish. Even though he really has managed to dig a hole for himself in my heart these last ten months."

 

a thread I just read and you should take a look at..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2993867#post2993867

 

The A is over and you going down memory lane isn't helping you recover or totally get over him.

 

Find a passionate hobby and pour your soul into it. Keep busy and don't let your mind "go" there. Be proactive in healing..Noone can do this for you.

 

Congrats on the 4 months NC. Keep it up.

 

Wow, in bold is powerful WWIU...nothing left to say after that, a very hard act to follow!

[blizzard]

Thank you so much for comfort. You all have been a blessing in so many ways. You will never know how much your posts, advice and experiences have helped me.

 

Being the ow, you grieve alone. How do you tell your family/friends that you need to be held tighter, a little longer? That you are hurting. How do you explain why you've been bed for days? How do you explain the tears that fall for no apparent reason to the people around you? How do you pick up the pieces and move on...without a rock of support? Eat, eat, EAT! Why aren't you eating!? My seperation has masked much of my pain.

 

My stbx always accused xMM of using me. He propheted that this guy would dump me. That it was something he did with women. During our final phone convo xMM said he felt awful b/c everything my stbx had said about him was coming true. He told me that I had to believe that it wasn't true... that he loved me, loved us both. And that he cared so much about me. He hadn't wanted it to end this way.Yet he loved her first and vowed forever with her. And I reminded him of how he said he wanted to grow old with me. He stated she wanted counseling. She said that she was afraid that she would always compare herself to me. That she might not be able to forget. He said he is worried that he won't be able to forget me either. At the end of our phone convo he began getting frustrated and angry... at himself. He told me that he was a jerk. A fool. That everything he told me was lies. That I deserved someone better than him. He sternly told me that my husband should love me the way I deserved to be loved. Those words still echo in my mind...

 

I believe to some degree that he was trying to leave her all along. Some things didn't add up. Esp when he slipped and said he almost had her believing she wants a divorce. He adamently wanted to remain friends with her...hence the guilt. But, I will never know the truth. He said he loved me, then said he didn't...stbx says this is his game. So I don't know what to believe. I think if I did I could get over this much easier.

 

Next week marks a year that we met face to face after 20yrs. I have weak moments were I want to contact him...just to share that incredible day. The nervous energy we had. Both of us glowing with age now. He a little gray. His gait was still the same.The way he looked at me so surreal as I talked. So many years had passed and there we were. It was like he was finally finding a lost love.

I do want to contact him. I feel alot and have so much to say. But, really what's the point. He's gone. If he wanted to make us work he would be doing so. He knows that I truly loved him.

 

The quote whichway is such a wise one. But right now I am only human. I know that one day I will embrace it. Thank you for sharing it.

[Mimolicious]

.

 

At the end of our phone convo he began getting frustrated and angry... at himself. He told me that he was a jerk. A fool. That everything he told me was lies. That I deserved someone better than him. He sternly told me that my husband should love me the way I deserved to be loved. Those words still echo in my mind...

 

I believe to some degree that he was trying to leave her all along. Some things didn't add up. Esp when he slipped and said he almost had her believing she wants a divorce. He adamently wanted to remain friends with her...hence the guilt. But, I will never know the truth. He said he loved me, then said he didn't...stbx says this is his game. So I don't know what to believe. I think if I did I could get over this much easier.

 

My 1st bolded part- one thing this MM said that you should believe. The rest, sounds suspect.

 

BUT wait a minute... (Second bold part) This is the kind of person that you are grieving about? Someone that manipulates a person that he is sharing his life,with into believing something that she probably doesn't even want?!

What is this? Punk'd- relationships edition? Whoa! Such an amazing human being he is...

 

Unfortunately, seems like your stbx was, umm, a bit on target.

 

Time heals, try to keep yourself focused and find a hobby.

Edited September 16, 2010 by Mimolicious

[blizzard]

mimolicious- The BS has issues. Deep rooted ones. And he feels as if she is his responsibility. That he has to take care of her. She is very dependent on him. He had gotten to the point where enough was enough. She agreed to counseling for these issues to make their marriage work. Maybe this is all similiar to an exit affair.

Of course, all of the above could be lies. I will never know.

[ahotmess]

Blizzard- I don't know you, or your story. Forgive me for just popping in here. I was frequent around here a few years back. I was the OW. I was in the same place where you are now. And though it's been years...I still worry about what's going on his life...I remember his scent, his smile, how he laughed. And moreso...I remember how much I HURT after leaving him. I am SOOOO SOOOO sorry for your pain. I know that nothing but time helps. I know it sucks to hear that. I held on to that thought many sleepless nights.

 

I won't go into details of my past...but I will say, that to this day....I believe that man loved me. I KNOW I loved him. And though I've loved since...it's never been like that. Though society shuns R like these, and I don't think any of us OW ever go into this situation with maliscious intent....these R are EXCITING. As much as it feels like going through hell, there is some subconscious thrill from it all. We ARE human, and it is a scandalous thing, no matter how ashamed we feel. I am in no way proud that I was an OW....but it was exciting...granted...in a torturous way.... Eve ate the forbidden apple. My point in all of this, is that we will NEVER have THAT exact love again..unless of course you just continue meeting/dating MM your whole life.

 

But think about your other R.....the times that you have "loved" are never the same with someone else, are they? EVERY R is different. And this is just an opportunity for you to GROW like a weed emotionally. Find your strength and KNOW that you are NOT alone:)

[BurriedAlive]

So I don't know what to believe. I think if I did I could get over this much easier.

 

Hi Blizzard;

 

3 1/2 years ago, I had a year long affair with a MM. D day came and I got thrown under the bus and lost my job as it was a family business. He was family and I wasn't. It was the questions that drove me insane for quite awhile later. I didn't get a final conversation with him. I got one with his W as she came running to me for answers because MM wouldn't give them to her.

 

Anyway, I distinctly remember a turning point when I was able to put the past behind me and stop analyzing everything. Just like you I drove myself absolutely nuts with the "did he love me", "why didn't he pick me" and "was everything lies" questions. I was in I/C and the therapist suggested that I sit down and write every possible scenario out on paper describing the reasons for the chain of events that happened. Then she said pick the scenario that makes the most logical sense and start believing that as the truth. So I did. I realized that even if I was able to corner xMM and get him to talk, I don't think I would get the truth from him no matter what happened. In fact, he was emotionally retarded in that I don't think he could even put to words what he was feeling.

 

As time goes on, you will realize that the truth and the reasons behind his choice just won't matter anymore. In fact, I can't even remember now what scenario I chose as my truth.

 

Hope this helps.