Carefree36 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Hi, I'm new here and am stuck. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, known eachother for 12. He has a temper, not physically abusive but I believe it's all mental. We have two kids 5 and 3 and we both work full time. Last year we fought a lot and I got him to go to counseling to help with his anger. We went to about 7 sessions and mutually decided that we would stop going since our communication and his anger had gotten better and swore we would go back if needed. Now I'm at a place where his anger seems to be under conrol but really he blames everything on me. He never wants to go out socially and I am a social butterfly and everytime I want to do something I feel like I need to ask if it's alright because I don't want him being stuck with the kids all the time. He has been very good with me doing my thing but whenever I suggest that he tries to go get some time away with the one of two friends he has, he claims I am trying to push him out of the house. If I want to take the kids to my girlfriends house he is uncomfortable. If I want to go away for the weekend with the girls (only happened once in the 12 years we have been together) he questions me and claims that he is the glorified babysitter. Sex is his major issue and all the sudden he wants it all the time and I'm so pissed off at the way I'm treated and sometimes just give him what he wants to shut him up and I shouldn't have to live that way. The last fight we had revolved around him asking if I was cheating yet I'm home all the time - says he knew I wasn't but just had to ask??? and I threw out going to counseling again and he thinks we can fix it between us. I think he is severely depressed. He won't go. Not sure how to get him back since he always refuses the topic. UGH. Sorry so long and thanks! C
Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I am sorry your here. And glad your here. Because maybe the two of you are still able to make it work. I hate to say it, but I was in his same shoes 5-7 years ago. I thought I didn't have a problem. I really was depressed. Only realized that a few years ago. The sex was one of the few places I found joy and a feeling of intimacy with my wife. Medications can help but they can also ruin sex. That robs the last bit of joy he is feeling along with knowing you are not being intimate with him and treat the sex like another chore. Is he diabetic? My type II was the close to the start of the depression. Has his physician evaluated his depression? Or is he like many of us and doesn't talk about it because it makes us feel weak? Exercise together - start with walks or take the kids to the park together. It will help with the depression and relieve some of the stress. It will get him out of the house. It will help you bond and see his efforts. Go to church as a family. Recognize what he does contributed to your family. Even if the only need he is meeting is being the provider for the family - recognize it. Show appreciation for it. It goes to our self worth as husbands. If he's good with the kids. Praise him for it. Let him know you appreciate him staying with the kids to provide you with time to socialize. For yourself you need to be strong and express your needs clearly and without judgment. This is the start of a dangerous relationship between the two of you. Explain that you need the MC and you need him to go with you. Go yourself if he won't. Work with your counselor on strategies to help bring him in. Find a counselor that will work for both of you. I have seen a few and some don't click. Find one he will respect or at least not dismiss as hogwash. Please don't ever seek to fill your unmet needs from outside your marriage. The damage will be devastating.
Author Carefree36 Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Thanks for the insight! We went to counseling once before and now he thinks it just can be fixed between us. I have asked him to go to counseling because of the depression I see and he refuses. He says he will go, if I go to counseling for my lack of sex drive. I try to give him the feedback about being helpful with the kids but the temper within him starts to come out and we get into fights. Then he self talks himself down saying "just call me a bad father" when I have never said that. He's becoming obsessive and it makes him feel good but I can't take it and am lost with that. Needs to know every minute what I am doing and god forbid I don't say Love you when I'm going somewhere. The other night I was running late because he was sitting on his ass doing nothing and went to kiss him goodbye and barely touched him. By the time I got to my girlfriends house I had an email saying what a weak ass kiss I gave him and that I should try harder? Things are getting really interesting and I don't like it. I have a counselor - I just can't get him to go
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