Guys and Gals, Thoughts?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

About the OW - well, I don't think she's cheating, he is - unless she has some other R with the BW that she's betraying... But if your question is more general, what do I think of an OW whose MM's W is pregnant, I would have to say, no different from an OW whose MM's W is not pregnant, all other things being equal. The BW pregnancy isn't a factor for me, one way or another.

 

The OW in this case is OP's X or STBX wife.

 

My very recent EX-of-7-years was/is having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife. (It is their first child - she will give birth in Sept. 2010.)

[fooled once]

Cheaters will come up with all kinds of 'profound' reasons to engage in infidelity.

 

agree

 

I am horny as hell when I am pregnant, so the scenario you are describing is not true for everyone.

 

The MM in question is still doing his duty obviously, being the husband, father and provider. Not surprising if they just got a baby.

 

No one said EVERYONE - they said some. greengoddess was speaking about the OP's situation - not yours or everyone's. No one said it was true for everyone.

 

I think it selfish, selfish, selfish and hugely immature.....on both their parts.

 

Hey, the vows I took said for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

 

Not: Until you lose your job or your libido, whichever comes first.

 

It is no different than a spouse having a debilitating illness. Love in a long-term relationship involves some sacrifice, fercryin'outloud! Unless you prefer to act like a self-entitled adolescent.

 

And who is to say it is the wife suffering from a lower libido??????!

 

Some men suffer from a real madonna/whore complex and when the wifey gets pregnant, they LOSE their desire for her! And feel entitled to go outside the marital relationship for sexual gratification. Real mature.:rolleyes:

 

Usually they have some unresolved "mommy" issues.

 

So yes, I believe there are degrees of betrayal, and this does fall into over the top for me.

 

Similiar to John Edwards in the sense that, many politicians can and do recover their careers following an affair. But while your wife is battling cancer?

 

Even the male populace thought that was disgusting!

 

Great post Spark!

 

Additionally, not sure why someone has decided that this cheating jerk is in love with the OP's ex wife. He never mentioned the MM stating he was in love with the mistress. I am unsure where it was declared the MM was so in love with the mistress he just had to have her, no matter what - even if that meant cheating on his pregnant wife.

[jennie-jennie]

agree

 

No one said EVERYONE - they said some. greengoddess was speaking about the OP's situation - not yours or everyone's. No one said it was true for everyone.

 

Great post Spark!

Additionally, not sure why someone has decided that this cheating jerk is in love with the OP's ex wife. He never mentioned the MM stating he was in love with the mistress. I am unsure where it was declared the MM was so in love with the mistress he just had to have her, no matter what - even if that meant cheating on his pregnant wife.

 

Am I the someone you are referring to, as I was the one who brought up the possibility of the two APs being in love? In that case you must have missed this post of mine:

 

Any scenario is possible. I am in no position to prove one over the other.

[YellowShark]

Additionally, not sure why someone has decided that this cheating jerk is in love with the OP's ex wife. He never mentioned the MM stating he was in love with the mistress. I am unsure where it was declared the MM was so in love with the mistress he just had to have her, no matter what - even if that meant cheating on his pregnant wife.

 

I dunno if MM is "in love" with my EX. But he certainly is "in lust" with her. Most men are because of her looks.

 

Anyhow MM's "feelings" are irrelevant to me because A) he's married with a baby on the way, and B) he was supposedly a good friend who was part of our close social circle and who's business I repeatedly helped. (Which helped him and his wife keep a roof over their heads!)

 

...and he betrayed me, his wife, and the code of the social circle. What a swell guy huh?

[greengoddess]

I dunno if MM is "in love" with my EX. But he certainly is "in lust" with her. Most men are because of her looks.

 

Anyhow MM's "feelings" are irrelevant to me because A) he's married with a baby on the way, and B) he was supposedly a good friend who was part of our close social circle and who's business I repeatedly helped. (Which helped him and his wife keep a roof over their heads!)

 

...and he betrayed me, his wife, and the code of the social circle. What a swell guy huh?

 

Gosh wouldn't it just be ashame if this gossip got out to their social circle and business associates? I assume you are not helping him anymore.

[2sure]

I agree that it is not unusual for the MM of an expecting couple to seek sex from potential OW if he isnt getting any at home due to the pregnancy. Might not be right, but in my experience just from getting hit on by guys I never expected during their wife's pregnancy tells me its true.

 

BUT, even in the days when I would consider being an OW...if I knew his wife was pregnant...I would also know he was just looking for a temporary receptacle and some attention. I'd pass on that.

[YellowShark]

Gosh wouldn't it just be ashame if this gossip got out to their social circle and business associates? I assume you are not helping him anymore.

 

Oh everyone in the close social circle knows why I am gone after 7 years. The sad part is MM and my EX have successfully gaslighted everyone into believing "nothing happened." including the pregnant wife.

 

To which my reply is, "So then what you are saying is I just decided to go nuts one night and frame my EX of 7 years and good friend?" Most have fallen for the gaslighting because it is easier to process that I went "nuts" than MM and my EX are having an affair. Such is the power of gaslighting. So I have black-holed the lot of them.

 

And yes, not helping MM with anything. Obviously.

Edited September 16, 2010 by YellowShark
Verbage

[YellowShark]

BUT, even in the days when I would consider being an OW...if I knew his wife was pregnant...I would also know he was just looking for a temporary receptacle and some attention. I'd pass on that.

 

How about a pregnant wife that lives directly across the street and is part of your close social circle? Because that is exactly what this scenario is.

 

That is why I left within 4 days flat with my son. I told my EX that I couldn't even look at her and she's become the "town-bike" for MM. It's so incestuous - (as a close female friend so eloquently put it!) - that I am gobsmaked by it's very existence in the first place.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Oh everyone in the close social circle knows why I am gone after 7 years. The sad part is MM and my EX have successfully gaslighted everyone into believing "nothing happened." including the pregnant wife.

 

To which my reply is, "So then what you are saying is I just decided to go nuts one night and frame my EX of 7 years and good friend?" Most have fallen for the gaslighting because it is easier to process that I went "nuts" than MM and my EX are having an affair. Such is the power of gaslighting. So I have black-holed the lot of them.

 

And yes, not helping MM with anything. Obviously.

 

Hang tight YS. I've got to believe that this type of thing ALWAYS catches up with someone, one way or another. I can see how people would find it difficult to fathom those two engaging in something so very hurtful. It'll come around. How is your X handling her boyfriend staying married to his wife?

[YellowShark]

Hang tight YS. I've got to believe that this type of thing ALWAYS catches up with someone, one way or another. I can see how people would find it difficult to fathom those two engaging in something so very hurtful. It'll come around. How is your X handling her boyfriend staying married to his wife?

 

Well out of several couples in our close social circle there is only one couple who believes me 100%. They believe me because I have never done anything remotely like "going nuts" in all the years that they have known me. Plus I was always the guy everyone could reach out to for help when they needed help cuz that's just the kinda guy I am. Always happy to lend a helping hand. So this couple is not swayed by the gaslighting that my EX and MM have perpetrated. They see through the B.S.

 

Therefore they have given me updates as to what the situation is now... and they are absolutely amazed that MM, pregnant wife and my EX along with the other couples are functioning as if nothing happened. The dinner parties, BBQs, drinks of the deck continue as if I never existed. In fact they all went out for Greek food just the other night all together... and they invited the couple who believes me.

 

The couple who believes me declined... and they continue to decline the repeated invites MM, my EX, and pregnant wife offer to join them.

 

So I have really learned a lesson here. When it comes to gaslighting and you have many people saying one thing and only one person saying another thing, most people go with the flow... and not with the whistleblower.

 

Therefore I can only guess that MM and my EX have either; A) stopped for now, or B) are still at it. Hell, they kept it a secret for some time before - until I caught them red-handed! So I am pretty sure they could easily continue to keep it up since I don't live with my EX anymore and her bedroom is "open for business!" I don't really know.

[Lizzie60]

I have not read the whole thread.. but from what I've read.. she's your EX right? why are you so worried about what she does now?

 

If she wants to have an A with a MM who's wife is expecting.. that's HER choice..

 

Plus, from what I've read... the couple has been trying many years to get pregnant.. he met your ex.. fell for her.. had an A.. and boom.. the W gets prego..

 

We don't know the story.. maybe they were already having trouble with their M.. who knows?

[YellowShark]

I have not read the whole thread.. but from what I've read.. she's your EX right? why are you so worried about what she does now?

 

I'm not worried about what she does NOW. I was worried about what she DID while I was with her. This thread was originally created for me to help me process that I am not crazy, and that I am not wrong now in thinking this is a really sick situation. (it has evolved since then )

 

If she wants to have an A with a MM who's wife is expecting.. that's HER choice..

 

Unless she is in a committed 7 year relationship with me. Which she WAS when all this happened.

 

Plus, from what I've read... the couple has been trying many years to get pregnant.. he met your ex.. fell for her.. had an A.. and boom.. the W gets prego..

 

Basically yes. But the sick part is we are all close friends... or were.

 

We don't know the story.. maybe they were already having trouble with their M.. who knows?

 

I know. And there is no trouble with MM and pregnant wife's marriage. I've known them for over 4 years. There is a problem with MM and my EX's morality, and sense of decency.

Edited September 16, 2010 by YellowShark

[Lizzie60]

Oh OK.. I thought this happened after ...

 

Well.. I can see, from your PoV that you find that sick..

 

I've been involved with tons of MMs in my life.. and I can assure you that for most of these MMs.. it didn't matter if they had kids or were expecting kids..

[YellowShark]

Oh OK.. I thought this happened after ...

 

Nope. It took place while I was with my EX. I caught them red-handed necking on my deck one night and that's the story. In fact my EX and I were at MM's place at a dinner party that very evening, and his pregnant wife needed to go to bed to get some rest... so a bunch of us retired across the street to my place. My son and I were asleep inside as they were on MY deck necking.

 

Well.. I can see, from your PoV that you find that sick..

 

I think cheating/betrayal is pretty sick from any POV. But that's just me.

 

I've been involved with tons of MMs in my life.. and I can assure you that for most of these MMs.. it didn't matter if they had kids or were expecting kids..

 

Not in argument. The part that I am having trouble with is the friendship aspect combined with the pregnancy aspect. MM and his wife are/were close friends who live across the street.

 

It's not a bunch of strangers at all.

 

I feel if MM needed to get his rocks off he should have went OUTSIDE of the close social circle.. and if my EX desires to cheat on me she should have the common decency not to betray her close friend who is pregnant!

[Hazyhead]

 

Not in argument. The part that I am having trouble with is the friendship aspect combined with the pregnancy aspect. MM and his wife are/were close friends who live across the street.

 

It's not a bunch of strangers at all.

 

I feel if MM needed to get his rocks off he should have went OUTSIDE of the close social circle.. and if my EX desires to cheat on me she should have the common decency not to betray her close friend who is pregnant!

 

I don't know if it helps in fathoming it, YellowShark... or if it can be fathomed at all, but after xMM told me that his wife was pregnant, he would always talk about it as if it wasn't quite real... and from what I could gather (once the floodgates were open, he could really talk), she had really tried for this baby. But for him, he was a little detached from it all, as if it was just something he was supposed to do. I suppose this served his purpose. He used to say that it could all just continue and stay the same and when I opposed this view he couldn't see how an baby being imminent would change everything. Anyway, the point I'm trying to get to, albeit badly, is that to xMM the baby was a 'thing'... another possession or something; it certainly wasn't a tiny person that would depend on him for their life. After the birth, the reality set in; he first started to feel guilty.

 

Maybe the birth of this child will be the shock they need.

[YellowShark]

Anyway, the point I'm trying to get to, albeit badly, is that to xMM the baby was a 'thing'... another possession or something; it certainly wasn't a tiny person that would depend on him for their life. After the birth, the reality set in; he first started to feel guilty.

 

Maybe the birth of this child will be the shock they need.

 

Hard to say, but I can totally understand what you are saying.

 

I think this affair is the result of two people - MM and my EX - who are so narcissistic that they do not care about who they hurt. They are only concerned about their own desires. That is the only way I can rationalize what they did, and that they would get physical on our deck while my son and I are inside sleeping.

 

I am just so glad my son wasn't the one who caught his step mother and MM - (who's lawn he cut) - necking on the deck that night. It could have easily been him instead of me. That would have destroyed him.

[2themoon&back]

Ok. Here's the background. Everyone involved is in their early 40's.

 

My very recent EX-of-7-years was/is having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife. (It is their first child - she will give birth in Sept. 2010.) So here's my question because I am having difficulty trying to wrap my head around it.

 

Therefore - (Feel free to answer either question if you wish...):

 

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

B) Girls - What's your opinion of a woman who is cheating with a married man who's wife is pregnant?

 

Thoughts?

 

 

YellowShark,

 

i have read most not all of the post but i think going back to your original questions.

 

It sounds like to me that the real shocker here (for you) is that this MM does not love or respect his unborn child in a way you would think most soon- to- be fathers would act. How could this man after all the yrs of “wanting” a child act this way when he is about to have one ---- he has been lying!!!!

 

And that someone you once loved (your xW) has become so indifferent to such a sensitive situation.

 

From all I have read he may have not been as committed to having children as the W was to start with and may have only done so to for the W or some sense of doing the natural order of things.

 

This is the impression I get and I bet if this is the case, he has sold some version of it to your xW, so she too can make the fact his W is pregnant as not a big deal, down play it so to speak and with that she can feel ok with what she is doing--- she trust MM, I am sure he will let her down as well.

 

To me it is like trying …. To understand them---I may have to think like them and/or act like them…… and that is something I hope I never do !!

 

What I think is really sad is that a baby is coming into the world with so many major caregivers in his/her life that lie…. The W lies to herself to keep her M, the MM lies to everyone and your xW lies to herself to be ok with what she is doing w/MM and to BS… it would be great if one person would put that baby first but it sounds like that is not going to happen, they are too worried about being first themselves.

 

the only thing this baby will be first at is being “this couple’s first child” and if the baby is lucky he/she will be the only child these liars ever have and hopefully one of the 3 (W,xW,MM) of them will pull their head out of each other’s a@# long enough to do what is right for the child !!!!!

 

It is a very sad situation and I feel for this baby… it deserves better, and hopefully it will get better from someone who truly wants the best for this baby. I am not sure it is going to be anyone that is involved now though.

 

sad is what i feel ...

[YellowShark]

Thanks for your input 2themoon&back. Your assessment is pretty well spot on. I can't wrap my head around such selfishness that the 3 parties involved are exhibiting. I also worry terribly for the innocent child who is coming into a world with such lame and lying caregivers/role models.

 

The baby is now born and the affair is still active. The babys mother is still in total denial that her husband is a cheating scumball.

 

It's so sad and it breaks my heart that my EX is a party to such moral and ethical bankruptcy. I do not see a bright future for this child, I just hope one day the three parties involved do pull their heads out of their own selfish a$$es long enough to put the newborn first.

[karnak]

 

The baby is now born and the affair is still active. The babys mother is still in total denial that her husband is a cheating scumball.

 

It's so sad and it breaks my heart that my EX is a party to such moral and ethical bankruptcy. I do not see a bright future for this child, I just hope one day the three parties involved do pull their heads out of their own selfish a$$es long enough to put the newborn first.

 

Based on what you've written in LS my sincere opinion is that we're talking about 3 big messed-up people:

 

1 - your ex: appears to be the typical selfish woman who seems to think that God created the world for the sole purpose that she can have fun and pleasure. If she decides to have something, then she has to get that thing... no matter the cost. She can be a real nice and caring person when she wants to. But everyone else (her husband, her children, her family and friends) comes second when facing her own needs.

 

2 - the other woman's husband: appears to be the typical selfish man who seems to think that God created the world for the sole purpose that he can have fun and pleasure. If he decides to have something, then he has to get that thing... no matter the cost. He can be a real nice and caring person when he wants to. But everyone else (his wife, his children, his family and friends) comes second when facing his own needs.

 

3 - the other man's wife: the typical person with very low self-esteem and self-abuse problems, who prefers to be a cuckold and live on her own "make-believe", passive-submissive world, rather than be free and face the joys and troubles of real world.

[Dexter Morgan]

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

he is a POS, pregnant or not, but more so when pregnant.

 

 

What's your opinion of a woman who is cheating with a married man who's wife is pregnant?

 

she is a POS, again, whether wife is pregnant or not, but more so when pregnant.

[YellowShark]

Based on what you've written in LS my sincere opinion is that we're talking about 3 big messed-up people:

 

Yup. My EX is amazingly beautiful and I am just not saying that. Guys go nuts over her all the time and she is so used to using her looks for her own advantage. MM is a slick dude who could literally sell ice cubes to Eskimos and then not have a second thought about not delivering. And I once had a heart to heart with the pregnant wife and she told me her father was a serious serial cheater on her mother.

 

Now all three are involved in a incestuous triangle where the baby totally comes second to their own baggage. To add insult to injury they have made me out to be the "villian" in this - via gaslighting - to deflect from their obvious ownership in this ethical nightmare which they have created.

 

As a father I feel terribly for this innocent newborn child who has the misfortune to being connected with 3 really sick people.

[YellowShark]

...he is a POS, pregnant or not, but more so when pregnant.

 

I really thought I knew this guy and trusted him enough to be his friend and help him out with his business. Boy was I wrong.

 

...she is a POS, again, whether wife is pregnant or not, but more so when pregnant.

 

Sadly I have come to the conclusion that the woman I cared for and loved is sick in the head. She was even going to host the baby shower for this child before I exposed the affair to the social group! Once again, you really think you know someone until they do something that is so far off the reservation that you can't deny you've been hoodwinked.