Guys and Gals, Thoughts?

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok. Here's the background. Everyone involved is in their early 40's.

 

My very recent EX-of-7-years was/is having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife.

 

well then your X is one special kind of piece of s###

 

(It is their first child - she will give birth in Sept. 2010.) So here's my question because I am having difficulty trying to wrap my head around it.

 

Therefore - (Feel free to answer either question if you wish...):

 

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

he is a piece of s##t. here this woman is going to give birth to his child, and he is going to disrespect her by sticking his vienna sausage in another woman?

 

 

What's your opinion of a woman who is cheating with a married man who's wife is pregnant?

 

same thing. you'd think a woman would be sympathetic to the pregnant wife's situation....says alot about the kind of "woman", if you can call her that, your X is. Good thing you are rid of her.

 

Problem now is she is now helping to eff up someone elses life. thats like releasing a rapist from prison. they are no longer the warden's problem, but they will end up being someone elses problem.

[Dexter Morgan]

I guess I should clarify. The reason I am asking this question is the only two people I can find so far on Earth that are ok with this current real scenario are my EX, and the MM-with-the-pregnant-wife she is having the affair with.

 

does the wife know? maybe someone should let her know the truth about her husband

[YellowShark]

Okay... deep breath... this was me. My affair with xMM started when, unbeknownst to me, his wife was four weeks pregnant. Not that my behaviour was any way okay without it, but I didn't know; he told me six months later.

 

That's a whole new level of betrayal. He lied to you and hid the fact that his wife was pregnant. How sick is that? Then he revealed the truth and hurt you as well. He sounds like a really really sick man to hurt the two women he professed his "love" to.

 

It's kinda like being a a kid, just learning there is no Santa Claus.

 

WHAT!?!?! There's no Santa? Are you sure?

 

Your faith in people can be shaken to the very core. I've fought and struggled with myself, not to become completely jaded and cynical. Part of me is now, but I still believe there's a lot of people with integrity out there, as well.

 

In my case the MM-with-the-pregnant-wife was a close friend. I helped him with his business repeatedly, my son cut his lawn, he and his wife were part of our close social circle and we'all had BBQs together, dinners, camping trips...

 

So my story was a double betrayal.. with a pregnancy on the side! I trusted and supported MM AND my EX. It's like having two people die instead of one. And now that MM and my EX have gaslighted the pregnant wife into disliking me as well now... it's become three people I cared for greatly who are gone from my life. It's so painful but I hope one day it all blows up in their faces and they realize I was not the villain in all this.

 

If anything, my experience taught me to sharpen my people-picker.....so I guess something positive came out of it.

 

I see that silver lining too. My B.S. detector is now fully functioning and I am wiser for the experience.

 

I hope I'm not coming across as preaching at you, Yellow Shark---I'm trying to express empathy for what you seem to be experiencing---just sayin' I know how it feels. And I hope your heart will heal, eventually, in your own time. Vent and question as much as you need to, it's all part of the process. You had the rug pulled out from under you, in a major way, you're entitled to feel everything you feel.Don't let anyone tell you different.

 

I appreciate the empathy everyone has shown me here. I am just having a hard time processing the pregnancy aspect of the issue and it's just such a serious mental blow that MM and my EX could be a party to such selfishness and narcissism.

 

Like I said, I really feel sorry for the unborn child that his father - (future role model) - is so scummy he could cheat on his pregnant wife. It doesn't bode well for the child's upbringing since "daddy" is capable of such underhanded treachery.

[imagine]

There are a couple of usual twists here: The MM gets the short end of the stick when his wife is pregnant. Women get like that when they are accommodating little passengers.

 

MM finds a back up wife (this is your ex). When his missus gets back to normal, your missus gets dumped or plays piece on the side. C'mon why would he spoil his action by marrying her -she has proved to be unfaithful!

 

His missus may be occupied and committed to stability right now, but she will figure it out.

 

Right now, you are consumed by the indiscretion. Only you are hurting. Consequences will occur. Listen,......... move on!

[jennie-jennie]

My exSO cheated on me when I was pregnant with our first child. He truly was in love with the OW, but the relationship only lasted half a year. It died of reasons due to their dynamic together, the ending had nothing to do with his and my relationship.

 

I don't hold anything against either of them. I know they loved each other. I know they wanted to protect me because I was pregnant. Had I not been pregnant, my exSO would likely have broken up with me instead.

 

What I felt bad about when I found out about the affair, was that many of our friends had been aware of their relationship and not told me. I felt stupid not knowing what so many knew. This hurt me more than the fact that they had an affair.

[jennie-jennie]

There are a couple of usual twists here: The MM gets the short end of the stick when his wife is pregnant. Women get like that when they are accommodating little passengers.

 

MM finds a back up wife (this is your ex). When his missus gets back to normal, your missus gets dumped or plays piece on the side. C'mon why would he spoil his action by marrying her -she has proved to be unfaithful!

 

His missus may be occupied and committed to stability right now, but she will figure it out.

 

Right now, you are consumed by the indiscretion. Only you are hurting. Consequences will occur. Listen,......... move on!

 

Not all pregnant women are like that. I absolutely love sex when I am pregnant and actually desire it even more than when I am not. My exSO still had an affair while I was pregnant, but it certainly was not because he was not getting enough at home.

[xxoo]

Some women believe in a concept of sisterhood............some don't.

 

I do think that is a key difference. I could never do that to another woman.

 

Not to mention, even if I thought I was in love with a man, I would quickly change my mind if he showed willingness to cheat with my while his wife was pg Talk about a turnoff!

 

But the sad truth is, when you are a woman and privy to the stories of women, cheating during pregnancy is not so very rare

[YellowShark]

Not to mention, even if I thought I was in love with a man, I would quickly change my mind if he showed willingness to cheat with my while his wife was pg Talk about a turnoff!

 

That's my feeling as well. If I was a woman I would say to the guy, "Dude, go home and take care of your pregnant wife and get the hell out of my face."

[Shakz]

I think it's none of your business.

[spriggig]

I think it's none of your business.

It's none of his business what his ex-wife and ex-friend are doing? If that is what you mean then I agree. But, that is not what he asked. He's trying to understand this from a broader perspective, to come to some sort of peace that he is still sane--that the world still makes some sort of sense, even though his corner of it is currently nuts.

 

Yellow Shark knows intellectually that his wife and friend are completely in the wrong here. It's his feelings that haven't yet reconciled with his knowledge. It takes time to fit everything together and he has a particularly hard row to hoe.

 

The conclusions of higher level logic are not always much comfort when laying alone in bed at night.

[wheelwright]

Ok. Here's the background. Everyone involved is in their early 40's.

 

My very recent EX-of-7-years was/is having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife. (It is their first child - she will give birth in Sept. 2010.) So here's my question because I am having difficulty trying to wrap my head around it.

 

Therefore - (Feel free to answer either question if you wish...):

 

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

B) Girls - What's your opinion of a woman who is cheating with a married man who's wife is pregnant?

 

Thoughts?

 

Not good. But I would want a lot more detail before I even considered thinking about whether the protaganists were morally corrupt or not.

[Shakz]

It's none of his business what his ex-wife and ex-friend are doing? If that is what you mean then I agree. But, that is not what he asked. He's trying to understand this from a broader perspective, to come to some sort of peace that he is still sane--that the world still makes some sort of sense, even though his corner of it is currently nuts.

 

Yellow Shark knows intellectually that his wife and friend are completely in the wrong here. It's his feelings that haven't yet reconciled with his knowledge. It takes time to fit everything together and he has a particularly hard row to hoe.

 

The conclusions of higher level logic are not always much comfort when laying alone in bed at night.

 

Well, that's all very philosophical, but the fact of the matter is he intervened as per post #7. As soon as he did that, it ceased to be a philosophical inquiry, and became a personal matter. YS isn't over his ex, and wishes he could not only make some sense of things, but could control them in some way.

[YellowShark]

Not good. But I would want a lot more detail before I even considered thinking about whether the protaganists were morally corrupt or not.

 

1) Married man with pregnant wife was a close friend. I helped him with his business repeatedly, my son cut his lawn, he and his wife were part of our close social circle and we'all had BBQs together, dinners, camping trips...

 

2) My EX - together seven years, supported her emotionally, financially, let one EA slide after we attended counseling together, went with her to AA when her drinking became an issue in our relationship. I have a son and she has a daughter, so children are effected too.

 

Therefore wheelwright two people I cared for and supported for years betrayed me, and a pregnant wife. I'd say "the protagonists are morally corrupt."

[YellowShark]

YS isn't over his ex, and wishes he could not only make some sense of things, but could control them in some way.

 

Ahhh please don't tell me what I am thinking. Because I am over the EX. Really I am.

 

I am trying to make sense of how someone could cheat on their pregnant wife and how a mother - my EX - could cheat with some one who has a pregnant wife.

 

Seems to cross every red line in the sand to me.

[YellowShark]

If you are truly over your ex, and you really don't care, why did you intervene? Its really none of your business. Why do you care? Because its so morally objectionable? Oh your precious sand.

 

Judging by your tone I feel you are simply being augmentative and not in the spirit of the thread. Other than your Ad Hominem do you have an opinion about married men cheating on their pregnant wives?

[spriggig]

If you are truly over your ex, and you really don't care, why did you intervene? Its really none of your business. Why do you care? Because its so morally objectionable? Oh your precious sand.

 

I've been accused of occupying the high ground on an high horse, perhaps rightly so. But this takes the cake.

[jennie-jennie]

Ahhh please don't tell me what I am thinking. Because I am over the EX. Really I am.

 

I am trying to make sense of how someone could cheat on their pregnant wife and how a mother - my EX - could cheat with some one who has a pregnant wife.

 

Seems to cross every red line in the sand to me.

 

Love. They fell in love with each other. Love is an extremely strong force.

[xxoo]

Love. They fell in love with each other. Love is an extremely strong force.

 

He was intent on making a baby with the partner he loved less than 9 months earlier.

 

When people are this fickle with their "love", I doubt they know the meaning of love.

[jennie-jennie]

He was intent on making a baby with the partner he loved less than 9 months earlier.

 

When people are this fickle with their "love", I doubt they know the meaning of love.

 

At the time the baby was made, the MM might not have realized what lay head of him. He might as many MM have thought himself to be happily married, although he was soon to be proved he was not.

[greengoddess]

Okay... deep breath... this was me. My affair with xMM started when, unbeknownst to me, his wife was four weeks pregnant. Not that my behaviour was any way okay without it, but I didn't know; he told me six months later. I was devastated... but it forced me to question everything. In his mind, we could have continued forever on the side, but it changed things in a number of ways for me. Firstly it made me realise I was in love with him... faced with the reality of what he was creating with somebody else only showed me what little I had with him. Secondly, I saw his wife as a real person.

 

I broke up with him. It suddenly felt very sordid... even though there was love. However, we stayed in touch - that was a mistake. He told me he was leaving, that he would do it anyway, even if I wasn't there... and we started up again. The to-ing and fro-ing went on for a few months later. Both of us going through the cycle of breaking up then chasing the other.

 

After his child was born, seeing the pictures broke my heart; the guilt was too much. I regret my negative impact upon an innocent baby who's life is now changed forever because of what I was involved in. So... I don't even know, for sure, what I'm actually trying to say here... I just wanted to show that I understand your disgust. I wish it hadn't been me, but it was, I was responsible for that. I have learned, and continue to do so. I hope that the caught child in the triangle with your wife comes out of it as unscathed as possible, as I do for xMM's. Maybe when the baby is born they'll get the reality shock they need.

 

 

Wow I really respect the fact that you came into this thread and talked about this. What a horrible man to lead you on in such a way. how devastating to find out he had a pregnant wife and only 4 weeks at that when he started seeing you. I hope you are truly done with this man.

[greengoddess]

At the time the baby was made, the MM might not have realized what lay head of him. He might as many MM have thought himself to be happily married, although he was soon to be proved he was not.

 

 

LOL or he was horny as hell because his pregnant wife wasn't giving the poor guy enough attention. He's still with his wife not with the so called love you speak of.

[jennie-jennie]

LOL or he was horny as hell because his pregnant wife wasn't giving the poor guy enough attention. He's still with his wife not with the so called love you speak of.

 

I am horny as hell when I am pregnant, so the scenario you are describing is not true for everyone.

 

The MM in question is still doing his duty obviously, being the husband, father and provider. Not surprising if they just got a baby.

[YellowShark]

LOL or he was horny as hell because his pregnant wife wasn't giving the poor guy enough attention. He's still with his wife not with the so called love you speak of.

At the time the baby was made, the MM might not have realized what lay head of him. He might as many MM have thought himself to be happily married, although he was soon to be proved he was not.

 

IMHO since I am familiar with both parties I pretty well think it is "lust" rather than "love." My EX is a stunning woman. A tall statuesque strawberry blonde. MM will not be leaving his wife. They have been trying to have a child with great difficulty for 3 years - (married for 5 years.) Finally it "took."

 

MM and my EX work part-time, while his pregnant wife and I worked full-time. So during their days off MM and my EX would hang out together a lot since we literally live across the street from each other - (another complication I don't think they are thinking about when the affair eventually goes south.)

 

I am 99% sure an EA began which became a PA. A mutual friend warned me she was suspicious of MM's attentions towards my EX from things he said about her - see: Freudian slips.

[xxoo]

At the time the baby was made, the MM might not have realized what lay head of him. He might as many MM have thought himself to be happily married, although he was soon to be proved he was not.

 

From your own story, your cheating SO got you pg (was he not in love with you?), then "fell in love" while you were pg (lasted only 6 months. Love?), and then, I'm gathering, got you pg again (you said "our first child"). In love that time? Was or was not truly in love with you the first time? Was or was not truly in love with the AP? Or, has no idea what love really is, and how to show it?

[jennie-jennie]

From your own story, your cheating SO got you pg (was he not in love with you?), then "fell in love" while you were pg (lasted only 6 months. Love?), and then, I'm gathering, got you pg again (you said "our first child"). In love that time? Was or was not truly in love with you the first time? Was or was not truly in love with the AP? Or, has no idea what love really is, and how to show it?

 

My exSO has narcissistic tendencies, so he is not the usual MM. He can only love someone so much.

 

Our story is more complicated than the general "having an affair during pregnancy" story, as I had been unfaithful to my exSO prior to my pregnancy.

 

Our second child was born eight years later. Much water had passed under the bridge by then. Much water and at least two more OW.

 

My belief is that a relationship, whether an affair or not, that only lasts 6 months, has not passed the test for true love. In the beginning of a relationship we do see each other with rose-colored glasses. When these glasses fall off (generally within the year) we see if it is true love or not.