Guys and Gals, Thoughts?

[YellowShark]

Ok. Here's the background. Everyone involved is in their early 40's.

 

My very recent EX-of-7-years was/is having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife. (It is their first child - she will give birth in Sept. 2010.) So here's my question because I am having difficulty trying to wrap my head around it.

 

Therefore - (Feel free to answer either question if you wish...):

 

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

B) Girls - What's your opinion of a woman who is cheating with a married man who's wife is pregnant?

 

Thoughts?

[YellowShark]

Sick is all I gotta say.

 

I guess I should clarify. The reason I am asking this question is the only two people I can find so far on Earth that are ok with this current real scenario are my EX, and the MM-with-the-pregnant-wife she is having the affair with.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The same thing I would think if she wasn't pregnant. Most selfish on both of their parts. Affairs are only about the people in them, ofcourse they are ok with it. Does the pregnant wife know? How sad.

[seren]

I think ALL A's are cruel, someone always gets hurt. I can understand people falling in love, but don't understand personal gratification at the expense of another's hurt, never have, never will.

[YellowShark]

Does the pregnant wife know? How sad.

 

Yes. I told pregnant wife the day after I caught my EX and MM red-handed. Sadly she has fallen for the gaslighting EX and MM are perpetrating - "That I made it all up, we're just friends." So pregnant wife has sided with her MM and my EX.. and now sees me as "the villain."

 

I am just trying to wrap my head around the pregnancy aspect, cheating is one thing, but to do it during a pregnancy? What are people's opinions on that part?

Edited September 12, 2010 by YellowShark

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think its exactly the same. Cheating while BS is pregnant, while BS is raising children even step children, while BS is fighting dificult disease, while BS is at home tending to WS's ailing parent or grandparent, while BS is working two jobs to support the family. Its NEVER a good time, nor is it ok. Its just a sick that your WS did it to you as him doing it to his pregnant wife. Ofcourse she sided with them, she wants/needs more than anything in the world for it to be so.

 

You planted the seed though, she'll figure it out. I respect that you had the guts to tell her and one day I imagine she will too. Ya know, they don't have to ADMIT to being wrong for you to be right!

[YellowShark]

I think its exactly the same. Cheating while BS is pregnant, while BS is raising children even step children, while BS is fighting dificult disease, while BS is at home tending to WS's ailing parent or grandparent, while BS is working two jobs to support the family. Its NEVER a good time, nor is it ok.

 

I agree. For me the cheating is one level of betrayal kids or no kids, but to do it while your wife is pregnant? Well that's just beyond every social norm I believe in.

 

Ofcourse she sided with them, she wants/needs more than anything in the world for it to be so.

 

You planted the seed though, she'll figure it out. I respect that you had the guts to tell her and one day I imagine she will too. Ya know, they don't have to ADMIT to being wrong for you to be right!

 

I hope she does figure it out one day too. But I just can't understand a husband who can cheat on his pregnant wife. Like I said cheating is one thing, but while your wife is carrying your firstborn? That's just such a ethical no-go zone socially and morally. It's really messing with my head.

[carhill]

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

In an otherwise loving M, this kind of behavior makes me , not only for the pregnant wife, but for the unborn child. It's pure selfishness, without redemption, on the part of the WH. Pregnancy is a special time, with its unique set of circumstances and challenges, and infidelity at that time is far more injurious to the M than at any other time IMO, not minimizing its impact on the M globally.

 

If my wife (now ex) had ever become pregnant, and we were in our 40's when we tried unsuccessfully, I would've donned my extra strength marriage armor and dealt with whatever came down the pike. That's what a husband does. That's what a man does.

[YellowShark]

..and infidelity at that time is far more injurious to the M than at any other time IMO, not minimizing its impact on the M globally.

 

That's why I am having such a hard time processing this event.

 

If my wife (now ex) had ever become pregnant, and we were in our 40's when we tried unsuccessfully...

 

That's the story. MM and pregnant wife have been trying for a few years to have a child with great difficulty... they married late in life. And when they finally did conceive.. MM jumps into a sexual affair with my EX during the last trimester of the pregnancy.

 

It's really thrown me for a loop that my EX and MM could walk down that path.

[xxoo]

Like I said cheating is one thing, but while your wife is carrying your firstborn? That's just such a ethical no-go zone socially and morally. It's really messing with my head.

 

It is really awful and incredibly sad. Afterall, he is the man who got her pregnant, and now he is stepping all over her in this vulnerable position.

 

But, as sick as it is, it might help to know that pregnancy is also a time where domestic violence can crop up, or increase. Pregnancy is, if nothing else, stressful, and people of poor character do awful things under stress. Also, pregnancy can affect a couple's sexual relationship--contributing to stress AND leading those of poor character to look elsewhere. Cheating during pregnancy, unfortunately, isn't all that shocking to me

[hopesndreams]

Cheaters can't handle stress of any kind. Her MM is stressed about becoming a father.

 

My ex cheated when my teenage daughter had a baby. He didn't feel needed and loved by me anymore because he felt all my attention was on my grandson.

 

It's disgusting. You don't have to try to wrap your head around it. I don't think it's even possible.

[carhill]

I would expect the sexual and emotional dynamic to change markedly during pregnancy. There's a paradigm shift off of the husband and wife to include this new life into the family. It's an adjustment. Someone of the subject's age and supposed level of life experience should be well equipped for such changes. Further, just as in our case, it appears this child was highly desired and worked hard for prior to conception.

 

With youth and/or 'accidents', whether inside or outside of marriage, I could perhaps understand, but a highly desired and planned child, then this?

 

Life is a confounding journey......

[YellowShark]

Someone of the subject's age and supposed level of life experience should be well equipped for such changes. Further, just as in our case, it appears this child was highly desired and worked hard for prior to conception.

 

Yes. MM and pregnant wife were quite open about their difficulty getting pregnant. It was a goal they strived for for about 3 years.

 

With youth and/or 'accidents', whether inside or outside of marriage, I could perhaps understand, but a highly desired and planned child, then this?

 

Life is a confounding journey......

 

That's where my head is at. We are all not kids and capricious or immature. So when I caught my EX and MM in-the-act I came down on them really hard and said WTF? Are you two insane? How could you even entertain such a betrayal considering the circumstances?

 

I told my EX I can barely look her. I also said to her as a woman you have really crossed a red line in the sand having an affair with a MM who's wife is pregnant. That's why I was out the door within 4 days, for good. She's seriously damaged and I will not even entertain trying to overcome it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think it is a horrible thing all around. Now that I'm pregnant, I frequent a pregnancy forum, and it is not uncommon there for

 

a. women to completely turn off sex or anything remotely sexual (or like me, they are on 'pelvic rest' and literally cannot engage in anything sexual)

 

b. men to completely turn off sex with their pregnant wives - they literally are horrified by the idea of sex with a pregnant woman, even if it is their wife

 

... and unfortunately in both cases, you read a lot there about a lot of cheating going on during pregnancy. Everyone gets hurt.

 

The idea of cheating during pregnancy or getting involved with a MM with a pregnant wife just seems especially gross and risky to me.

[Steadfast]

Cheaters will come up with all kinds of 'profound' reasons to engage in infidelity. A common theme is salvation of the suffering, neglected heart. Some view it as a lifesaving move, others simply feel entitled. The basis for all of it is selfishness; a brand of self-centeredness that overshadows self-esteem, common sense, and in this case, basic human instinct.

 

Once, when I questioned my ex about her relationship with a MM (and asked what might become of his wife and children) her response was 'That's their problem'. I'm not quite certain what surprised me more; that heartless answer, or the complete reversal of my ex's personality.

 

This behavior will not, and cannot go unpaid. Once a person is allowed inside a cheater's life, certain things are discovered that undermine any relationship. Women lose their virtue, men lose their dignity. The cheater-on-cheater dynamic (sorry) is even harder to sustain. Poison does not mix.

 

We must chose wisely, and teach our children to do the same. It's never too late to start. If strong, the betrayed becomes stronger. The afflicted continue with the disease, and it spreads. Eventually eating them alive.

[PegNosePete]

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

Scum.

 

Nothing more to say!

[YellowShark]

... and unfortunately in both cases, you read a lot there about a lot of cheating going on during pregnancy. Everyone gets hurt.

 

I guess I am cut from a different cloth because I think that if you planned with your wife to have a child and then you throw her under the bus because you simply can't keep your dick in your pants for the few months she is pregnant you are a "really special kind of scumball."

 

I honestly worry for the child, what kind of role model will they have with a father who betrayed his mother while she was carrying his child and so vulnerable.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess I am cut from a different cloth because I think that if you planned with your wife to have a child and then you throw her under the bus because you simply can't keep your dick in your pants for the few months she is pregnant you are a "really special kind of scumball."

 

I honestly worry for the child, what kind of role model will they have with a father who betrayed his mother while she was carrying his child and so vulnerable.

 

I'm with you there.

[freestyle]

One moment off-topic_ congrats, LB!

 

 

Yellow Shark , I agree, it's absolutely reprehensible for both parties.

 

It's wrong in any circumstance---but I do believe that cheating while a BS is pregnant.......takes a certain pathology. It's like taking advantage of someone while they're in a vulnerable state.

 

It is that much further "below the belt".

 

I used to be shocked by such a blatant lack of empathy---I'm learning that it's far more common than I realized.

 

From my reading on this and other infidelity forums--men cheating while their wives are pregnant, is not that unusual........sadly.

[YellowShark]

I'm with you there.

From my reading on this and other infidelity forums--men cheating while their wives are pregnant, is not that unusual........sadly.

 

I was just reading the OW/OM section and there is a thread in there where a MM was having an affair while his wife is pregnant with one of the LS regulars.

 

I just don't get it. As a woman isn't that a serious no-go zone? As a woman wouldn't you be particularly wary of cheating with a MM with a pregnant wife?Doesn't that go against the maternal instinct? I am not a woman but it seems to me to be a pretty basic red line in the sand.

[freestyle]

I was just reading the OW/OM section and there is a thread in there where a MM was having an affair while his wife is pregnant with one of the LS regulars.

 

I just don't get it. As a woman isn't that a serious no-go zone? As a woman wouldn't you be particularly wary of cheating with a MM with a pregnant wife?Doesn't that go against the maternal instinct? I am not a woman but it seems to me to be a pretty basic red line in the sand.

 

 

Some women believe in a concept of sisterhood............some don't.

 

Some women are only interested in serving their own agendas.

[YellowShark]

Some women are only interested in serving their own agendas.

 

I hear what you are saying. I guess if I was a woman I would feel that pregnancy is one of the most special times in a woman's life. You are bringing another human being into this world and are so vulnerable.

 

So I would be appalled with myself if I was a woman and cheating with a MM who's wife was pregnant. It's just so creepy and underhanded to me - even as a man.

 

I guess that is why I was/am so disappointed with my EX - who is also a mother.

[Confused4Now]

A) Guys - What's your opinion of a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife?

I'm a xMM now xOM....I have to say when my xW was pregnant with all my kids. It was the best times of my marriage. She did'nt want to transfer any negative thoughts or anything toward them when she was carrying them. So for me...I did not cheat on her cause they were good times for me. My opinion on it is it's pretty selfish and disgusting.

[Hazyhead]

Okay... deep breath... this was me. My affair with xMM started when, unbeknownst to me, his wife was four weeks pregnant. Not that my behaviour was any way okay without it, but I didn't know; he told me six months later. I was devastated... but it forced me to question everything. In his mind, we could have continued forever on the side, but it changed things in a number of ways for me. Firstly it made me realise I was in love with him... faced with the reality of what he was creating with somebody else only showed me what little I had with him. Secondly, I saw his wife as a real person.

 

I broke up with him. It suddenly felt very sordid... even though there was love. However, we stayed in touch - that was a mistake. He told me he was leaving, that he would do it anyway, even if I wasn't there... and we started up again. The to-ing and fro-ing went on for a few months later. Both of us going through the cycle of breaking up then chasing the other.

 

After his child was born, seeing the pictures broke my heart; the guilt was too much. I regret my negative impact upon an innocent baby who's life is now changed forever because of what I was involved in. So... I don't even know, for sure, what I'm actually trying to say here... I just wanted to show that I understand your disgust. I wish it hadn't been me, but it was, I was responsible for that. I have learned, and continue to do so. I hope that the caught child in the triangle with your wife comes out of it as unscathed as possible, as I do for xMM's. Maybe when the baby is born they'll get the reality shock they need.

[freestyle]

A selfish jerk is a selfish jerk---and they come in both genders.

 

Being a parent doesn't always make a difference.

 

There are people on this planet who simply don't have empathy for others.

 

I understand that you're having a hard time wrapping your brain around this.

 

I've been in that same place mentally----shocked, appalled, stunned--getting my needle stuck wondering "why,why",........" how could they?"

 

Going over and over and over everything in my mind, trying to comprehend the incongruities...........

 

When I experienced being betrayed by someone I loved and trusted,someone who knew d*mn well that I'd already been cheated on in a previous relationship and was deeply hurt.............Well, I was floored.

 

And I spent tons of my mental energy trying to fathom how anyone could stoop so low, especially when I hadn't done anything wrong to them.

 

It's kinda like being a a kid, just learning there is no Santa Claus. Your faith in people can be shaken to the very core. I've fought and struggled with myself, not to become completely jaded and cynical. Part of me is now, but I still believe there's a lot of people with integrity out there, as well.

 

If anything, my experience taught me to sharpen my people-picker.....so I guess something positive came out of it.

 

I hope I'm not coming across as preaching at you, Yellow Shark---I'm trying to express empathy for what you seem to be experiencing---just sayin' I know how it feels. And I hope your heart will heal, eventually, in your own time. Vent and question as much as you need to, it's all part of the process. You had the rug pulled out from under you, in a major way, you're entitled to feel everything you feel.Don't let anyone tell you different.