lavender09 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Background: married 9 yrs together 17. Kids 14 and 8. When we met I was 18 and he was 32. I eventually agreed to get married because we had a child and were living together. It took me 8 yrs together to finally agree. Things were fine initially, tolerable most of tHe time, happy some of the time. Recent years things got worse. More drinking, gambling, smoking, and he dropped out of college for 5th time etc. I have always been the primary breadwinner, I have 2 post grad degrees. I never expected him to be like me, but his lack of drive and focus disappoints and irks me. I finally levelled with him Oct 09 and and let it all out. I've bottled up my frustrations for years (I know its my fault for not letting it out) and it came to a head last autumn. Since then we've gone to 2 marriage counselors, he took a real estate course, but failed license exam twicen still not working. Drinking less now, but still doesn't put the kids first. Sadly, its too litlle too late. I'm empty, I'm done. The arrangement: we've decided to divorce. Obviously, he has no money, no job, no family nearby. So, we said we'll stay together in our home for one year to give him time to complete the license exam, and get a job so he can support himself (he hasn't worked since 2003). I said let's stay in separate bedrooms, but he disagreed and said we could sleep in the same bed and nothing happens. The problem is, since I initiated this plan, he wanted some sort of arrangement in order to go along with it peacefully. He said if I agreed to sex once a week he will go along with the plan. I know, its ridiculous but I agreed. I said if I put up with his crap for this long, what's one more year. Figured I could tough it out. I agreed out of guilt, because I know he has nothing, he's the father of my kids and we've been together for so long. Problem now is I absolutely cringe at his touch, dread our "sex day" and everything in between. When we deal platonically, like with the home, kids, etc we are civil and cordial, but when he tries to be intimate I freeze up. I'm an educated woman so I know this plan is stupid from beginning to end but I feel this obligation to him so here I am, stuck. Now I did tell him reconcilation is not gonna happen and he says he knows, I also told him that if the deadline comes (Aug 2011) and he is not ready to live independently, then he's on his own and I won't feel guilty anymore. He will be 50 next year for gods sake. So what you guys think? I know its twisted, but I need a better alternative. Right now he has absolutely no money, no job, nothing. The fact is, I don't love him but I don't hate him either, don't want to see him suffer, just don't want to be married/responsible for him anymore. Help!!
You Go Girl Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Good lord. What the heck are you doing? You hold all the cards. Why in the world are you having prostitute sex as if he is supporting you, and you're the one that has to make the sex deal to eat and have a place to sleep? Stop that sex right now. Kick him out of the bedroom. This is beyond ridiculous. Don't you realize how much power you hold? ALL OF IT! Guilty sex? Ewwwww! You don't want it, you don't need it, why? Stop being a masochist.
lee777 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 what a crazy story. Heck, I'm having a hard time being intimate with my beautiful wife because of the way I've made her feel about me. She clearly wants me back after 8 months of separation, yet I still haven't gone for it ... if you get my drift. But soon ... soon I will rock her world! And it won't be an agreement! It sounds to me like you're dealing with a man who has never faced the fire. He doesn't value you! Wake up!
cavedweller Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 09, Want to change a few things? What I would do: 1..Start sleeping in seperate beds. 2..Stop all sex. 3..Tell him you will let him stay for 30 days and then he has to move out, PERIOD.... 4..This will give him time to find some type of a job...And I do mean any type of a job to bring in a paycheck...Better yet he can work two jobs..(a lot of people do) ie: work at Micky 'D's' deliver pizza wash dishes mow grass paint houses sell cars Whatever he has to do to have an income.. 5..Have a divorce lawyer draw up separtion papers that will go into effect on that '30 day' date.. 6..When you reach the 30 day date..Kick him out.. 7. Good luck. my 2 cents
Author lavender09 Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Wow, this is just what I needed to hear. I'm guilty of talking myself into anything and I've been telling myself that I "owe" this to him. Because of the fact he had to give up his job in one state when my job moved us away, I feel like Im constantly having to repay him. THis happened in 2003 and he's not been working since then. He's enrolled in college classes many times since then, I happily paid for them, but as of today, not in school, no job, and not looking. What makes me crumble is when he says he always loved me (he's very touchy-feely affectionate) and he gave up his job and his life for me, so why cant I just give him this one little thing (sex)? I admit, some times I dont have a reply for this. Problem is, that even though he has always been affectionate, which is what hooked me when I was 18, now that I'm 36 with real life responsibilies, I realoze affection is not enough. If we argue all day, he thinks if he hugs and kiss me, everything is alright. It actually makes me more angry, insults my intelligence. I know millions of women want their man to be affectionate, but when thats ALL he brings to the table, the joy is gone. I really believe that I will become a cold unfeeling woman from this point on, and I dont want to be. So many years of unwanted affection, and having sex because its a duty makes me feel like damaged goods, can I ever enjoy intimacy again? Well, he is taking his test on Wednesday and I plan to talk to him again after the test. I dont want to burden him before the test and he fails and he blames me. So, I'll wait and lay down some new ground rules. I really appreciate the comment that said if I flat out refuse the arrangement, what's the worse that could happen? He can pick up and leave if he disagrees. So simple but so true. I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks again
SoMovinOn Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Lavender - I am in pretty much the same situation. It is, at times, a *very* difficult situation to deal with and live with. We have had to constantly adjust what we are doing and how we are doing it. If it was a reasonable option, I'd split with her right now. The only reason I don't is because I still love and care about her. I just can't be married to her. I don't want our split to be any more difficult than necessary.
Windsurf66 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 To the OP, I have differing views from other posters who are supporting you Just wondering, do u still remember your marriage vows, and if you do remember, do understand what the vows meant, and if you do understand, do you take what you had vowed seriously? Or what you had vowed was just bull****? From your other post: in the beginning the attention was great, esp. when my friends were all having problems with their men. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2486601#post2486601 His hugs and kisses are just his way of showing love (i.e. different love languages). So you enjoyed the emotional affection and the fidelity your husband had given TO YOU all these years, and now, u have decided you have used him enough, and want to leave your husband when he has no job, no money and when he had sacrificed his job/life to move to another state FOR YOU. I am sorry but i think, in my own opinion, altho your husband is a crap for being a useless and jobless alcoholic gambler, you are not any better for betraying him and your marriage
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