Moving on but not moving on

[siuys]

Hi all, some of you know my situation. Summary: been with MM 7 months. He was at home when I first met him. He moved out 4 mths ago. Don't think he's getting back together with W but anything can happen. He's going to IC and MC and we're on a two-month break NC so he can sort out his life.

 

It's been 3 wks and we've seen each other once. Amazing connection and he's doing much better, learning heaps from IC etc.

 

My dilemma: I am getting on with my life and in every area things are improving. I am generally happier and stable. However, every day I miss him, and wonder if we'll end up together. And I am having trouble sleeping again. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about MM, sometimes multiple times. I also seem to go round and round in circles in my head. I can't seem to live in the Now, and just can't help but project into the future. At times I feel like ending it because I am playing the waiting game again, other times I tell myself stay cool, do your thing and see what happens. Give it a bit of time. I am also thinking of putting a deadline on it for my sake. When he first wanted 'time out', he had said 6 months NC to clear his crap. We have negotiated down to 2 months NC, then look at situation again. I am happy to go slow, I just want to be able to sleep and not think! Been reading Power of Now but it's not working! Any tips, people?!

[jj33]

It simply takes time. However by keeping these time lines, you have made yourself an option and given all of the power to him to decide your future.

 

While you are waiting for the 2 months to pass you are feeling like you are still with him because after all its only 1 month and x days.

 

I know it feels better than saying its over. But its over. Unless he decides to leave. Why have timelines? If hes going to leave, hes going to leave but if you had to "negotiate down" it doesnt sound too likely. People who are ready to leave have a plan and they put it into action.

 

I dont want to throw cold water on your plans but hate to see you sitting there waiting for something that is unlikely to happen.

[siuys]

Thanks jj33 for your response. You're right about giving power to him to decide my future. His decision to leave seems final, tho' I find it hard to believe him right now.

 

I want to wait and I don't want to wait. I think I will wait until I see him next and decide. He will hopefully be in a much better place in his head. If everything still seems wishy washy, then I'll let it go. I feel that I can't let it go just yet, but maybe I should have listened to MM, who said 'I know I'll see you after this mess is sorted'...

 

Thanks

[Brokenlady]

S,

I hate to say this, but men that are leaving their marriage aren't going to be going to MC. It relatively unusual to to MC just for the sake of closure. It also doesn't much sound like he was planning on a future with you if he was the one suggesting 6 months NC. Men who want a future would be too afraid you'd move on in that time. I don't know if what he's doing is honest, but if it is, I give him credit for at least not dragging you along for the ride while he sorts himself out.

 

You don't owe him waiting - please try to live your life as if he's not in it, cause really, he isn't.

[Pink_orchid]

Just wanted to say that I worked for a well known counselling and relationship organisation and couples DO come for counselling together to help them when they are separating. They find it helps to make things more amicable, or slightly less stressful at least if they are going to split. Sometimes one partner would contact us and say that they wanted the split but didn't know how to do it, or that they were unsure whether they wanted the relationship to continue. Counselling would help both parties identify their own feelings and those of the other person in a neutral environment and help them decide which way to go, or to make the break with more understanding. It's not necessarily a sign that he wants to save the marriage if he's going to couple's counselling. In my experience when couples came, yes there was often one of them who wanted to save it, but often neither really did.

 

It's going to help one way or another, the no contact and the counselling, just give it a little more time, without putting your life on hold, just my opinion.

[siuys]

Thank you pink orchid. That was my understanding as well. I have spent a lot of time thinking and thinking and chasing my own tail hence the broken sleep. I decided since MM and I decided that we will check in next month and meet month after I will stick to this and assess situation as I come to it. Meanwhile, I will work on trying to tame those thoughts and concentrate on other things as my thinking pattern is also destructive for other areas of my life. I simply must be able to calm down and be at peace with various situations beyond my control.

 

Thanks again and yes, I am giving it a little more time, and if I do see any progress or improvement, then I will take the necessary action. I appreciate you letting me know how MC can work for a couple splitting up...

[Grace2010]

Hugs, suiys.

 

I'm in a similar boat, so I don't have advice. But wanted you to know that I h you, and "get" what you're feeling.

 

I will say that while my MM and I are back in contact, he has moved out of his marital home, and has agreed to separate for a few months...we are not willing to go back "there" again.

 

That's been the one thing that is crystal clear and almost easy, is to not relapse.

 

So I think it IS possible to wait and see while still respecting yourself.

[joseygirl]

Hi Siuys

I too am in a similar situation. My MM just signed a lease though... not even in it... and is going to IC. I am too starting IC as I feel it will be good for me. He hasn't left the home yet because of the kids... Its so difficult for me as so many deadlines have come and gone that I have told him no more deadlines...it is what it is. I am dating. I can meet someone and move on too. It is up to him to finish what he has to. He is worried about me moving forward all the time but that can't be my concern. I will be 37 in 2 weeks. I want a family (I have no children and he has two...he says he wants to marry me and father my children) but let's face it... I don't have crazy ass years to spare... so I will keep trying as futile as it sometimes seems to put myself out there and pray that God will move as he sees fit. I feel your pain. Sending you love and light!

[siuys]

Thanks for your support, Grace and Josey. I am so sorry to hear that you guys are in a similar situation. I never wish for anyone to be in this situation. I remember you Grace, you have responded to my other thread. Thank you. And Josey, I read some of your earlier posts. Not easy for you either. Hang in there both of you.

 

I so wanted to contact MM today but managed not to. I figured he needs to come to me, and I know I will hear from him in 3-4 weeks when we will check in with each other. I have made the decision to wait till then before deciding the next step. It's damn hard and it's affecting me in a bad way. After we spoke last time I felt good, then this horrible feeling invariably sinks in after a few days. It's like you can never win. Honestly, I have been through so much crap last 7 months I don't think I can do it for much longer.

 

Josey, I think it's good you are seeing other people. I just can't. There are people interested but I just can't until I'm over MM. I'm 43 and do not want kids so it's less challenging for me. My MM is 46 and has teens and this split affair that I read about sounds like him. At the end of the day, I guess actions do speak louder than words. I just wonder when this action will come, if ever, and when it comes, it may be too late.

 

I am just a mess today. Are you guys doing NC? How is it all going? Please post and let me know how you guys are doing. I need support and need people like you to talk to. My friends have been great but they simply don't understand 100%.

 

I wish you both all the very best, and hope your wish come true.

[Grace2010]

Siuys-are you journaling? I found it really helpful to write him emails that were then sent to a separate email address. If I ever show him, they're all in one place. But I probably won't. They are very raw, but really helped me say what I wanted to say to HIM without interrupting what he was trying to do.

 

HUGS

[Hazyhead]

 

I so wanted to contact MM today but managed not to. I figured he needs to come to me, and I know I will hear from him in 3-4 weeks when we will check in with each other. I have made the decision to wait till then before deciding the next step. It's damn hard and it's affecting me in a bad way. After we spoke last time I felt good, then this horrible feeling invariably sinks in after a few days. It's like you can never win. Honestly, I have been through so much crap last 7 months I don't think I can do it for much longer.

 

 

Well done, siuys. Every day that you do this is an achievement. NC is cr@p when you don't want it BUT, I also think you're holding back in yours because you have this two month mark in your head when you hope the NC will end. Try to use NC for you. Use it to get back things that you had maybe disregarded during the affair. OR, find whole new things to occupy and stimulate you.

 

The thing that moved me forward, significantly, was when I saw NC as the end. The end of us; the end of stress; the end of not knowing what was going to happen and the end of being there at somebody else's whim, not mine. Then, even though I loved xMM, I was able to 'put him in a box' and live for me. I am so glad I never sent those 'I miss you' messages. I am in the driving seat for my own life and I love it (I'm a bit of a speed freak it turns out ) (not drugs btw, y'know - just to clarify!)

 

Hugs siuys. I hope you get there.

 

Hazy

[siuys]

Well, i couldn't bear it anymore yesterday and contacted MM. He had wanted to contact me also so we met up. I asked him many questions, and he confirmed that he wants for us to be together, and that this break or process is about being alone, being alone with his pain, grieving, learning, and sorting his life out in all directions. I asked what he wants to achieve in two months and he said as much as he can work on himself, and have a structure in place with W and kids... he mentioned about moving in together later on. Must admit I didn't dare to ask him about divorce, as I know he is not there yet. He said he knows he needs to 'drop the bomb' so to speak, and it will hurt, but he realises it has to be done.

 

I felt a lot better after I saw him, but I am still scared that what I want won't happen. Anyway, a lot of fear that on my part also. We have agreed to go slow, and will spend following sunday together, and then check in again in October.

 

I know some of you probably think it's the dumbest thing I could do. But yesterday I was at my wits end and I just had to contact him, and ask him all those questions. I couldn't handle not knowing anymore. He said he was also afraid that I would meet someone else and move on.

 

I am giving him the space because i know he needs it, plus I thought if we move fast it will be a disaster and i'll probably be a rebound girl if I am not already... anyway, feel free to be honest. I am up for anything you guys might want to criticise... I just missed him so much.