What do do next?

[charliecharlie]

To save you some time reading I'll give you the short story of what is going on in my life (although it's still a long story, sorry):

 

I met my ex when I wasn't fully ready for a new relationship. He came on very strong and was all over me while I needed some more time and space to get rid of something from the past and let my feelings for this man grow. He told me he'd give me that space, but he couldn't. He cried, paniced, got angry etc. just to get me to give him the confirmation he needed. Due to a lack of trust and big insecurity on his side he broke up with me.

 

As this was not what I wanted I put much effort in getting him back.

While his words said that he didn't want to give it another try, his actions told me different things. So I kept pursuing him and after weeks of staying in contact, sleeping together but again being treated mean and rude once the word "relationship" came up, I was exhausted enough to do the NC thing for one week. And there he was.

 

We got it on again and things went smooth for several months. He even talked about moving in with me and we agreed to do it after the summer.

Then he became jealous because I had a casual drink with a neighbour.

As much as I told him that nothing had happened, and I had no point in cheating on him because I loved him, he paniced once again.

He didn't really give me a clue about that, he was loving and sweet.

But after a while I noticed some changes. He became more demanding about sex, watched more porn, took more drugs (xtc, even secretly one time during our vacation). One time I went over to his place and he tried to secuce me into sex when his best friend was there. I told him no right away and I thought he understood. Also he drank more beer. Still the signs were confusing, we still had good times but also I noticed a difference. When I asked him about it, if he had doubts about us, he told me not to worry. One week later, he called it off once again.

He told me that his feelings for me had gone, that we were too different, I couldn't give him what he wanted and he couldn't give me what I wanted (he started crying at that point). He said that he didn't want to work on a relationship because he thought things should go smooth in the first year. That it cost him too much energy. In my opinion, it's because of his insecurity that it cost him that much energy, not because I didn't love him. I didn't see it coming, I thought he would have talked to me about his feelings and see how we could have make things work, I really didn't think he would have dumped me. He was crazy about me, at least that's what he made me feel. How could he do this?

 

After this break up (about one month ago) I talked to him several times.

Twice because we ran into eachother by accident, and once because I called him. The way he talked to me, he made me feel like he was angry at me and hurt, but at the same time he told me that this was it and he'd never give anything a second chance again. Also it seems like he's trying to prove to me that he has his life in order and he's the man that I always wanted him to be. Like he's trying to punish me for something.

Why would he do that if his feelings for me were gone and there was nothing left? Why would he try to make me feel bad, as if it's not already bad enough that he broke up with me? He makes me feel like I dumped him instead of the other way 'round.

 

I'm confused. What should I do next? We had our last long phonecall last Tuesday, and the next day he started calling me in the middle of the night, just for casual reasons. He was getting drunk by that time, I know because he told me that he was drinking much beer.

 

After that call untill now, it has been NC. I've called some of these psychic-lines to get some clarity about this situation. They all tell me the same, that he has some issues to work on from the past, that he still has feelings for me, that I shouldn't push him and go for NC for a couple of weeks and contact him afterwards. And I'm trying but it's just soooo hard.

I miss him so much, going from being close to no contact at all.

I don't know what to do at this point. Like Lenny Kravitz said "it ain't over 'till it's over". That's where I am now, I don't feel like it's over. When all is said and done, I can understand that it's over. But right now I can't. I feel like he's not being honest about his true feelings.

 

Can anyone give me clear and honest advise on this one? I'm in desperate need of it!

 

X

Edited September 12, 2010 by charliecharlie

[Trovador]

He is very immature and so are you...

 

I think the best for both of you is calling it quits... he´s not the right man for you... you are not the right woman for him...

 

Although I would be mad like hell if my gf had some drinks with another man, eventually I'd get over it, something your ex isn´t able or willing to do... maybe that episode was the catalyst for your ex erratic behavior...

 

But to save words, you are better without him... porno? drugs? kinky sex? (although this might be not a dealbreaker, provided you agree to do it)... what else do you want? A murder maybe? Is that the future you want for you and your children?

 

Geez, you are obssessed over him! My honest advice to you is let him go, but before let yourself go off this sick relationship...

 

If you find difficult to get over him... think of this lyrics "nobody said it was easy"...

[Don Ho]

Run! Do not walk away as fast as you can! Let's see: he's been verbally abusive, drinks too much, takes drugs, lies, tries to get you to fck his friend and is a total basket case. And you love him?? WTF is wrong with you? I think you need to get very, very far away and pray he does not contact you. I see nothing here for you with him except misery and maybe physical violence. Is that what you want? If you don't stay away, we are all going to wonder if you're as sick as him. Good luck. Cut all ties.

[charliecharlie]

You are right Don Ho. If I stay I'm probably as out as my mind as he is.

The thing that makes it so complicated to cut all ties is that for the biggest part of our relationship he has actually been very sweet and loving to me.

He really made me feel like the queen, like he really loved me and even looked up to me. Then, after a while, he starts having doubts about all kinds of things in his life again. That's the part where he pulls away and shuts me out. He's really a good guy, does everything for the people that he loves. I think the mean words, putting the blame on me and trying to seduce me when his best friend was there, were really ways to take over the power in our relationship. A "controlthing".

And then he shuts the door and has me analyzing his behaviour, which is ridiculous of course. I still don't think his feelings for me have really gone, he just finds it easier to disappear then to face the issues.

Jeez I'm still hanging on too tight, it's on my mind 24/7. How can I get him out of my mind, can anyone show me the ctrl+alt+delete buttons?

[totalpackage]

The other brothers on the post were blunt but right. How far are you willing to go with someone unstable? People get love confused a lot. They think if someone acts right periodically thats love but it's not. You are lying to yourself if you think he loves you because if he did he wouldn't have put you through all that. I suggest you do some self analyzing and stop analyzing his behavior. There is only 1 type of love in this world that really matters because if you get that right everything else will fall into place and that's self love.

[Don Ho]

The thing that makes it so complicated to cut all ties is that for the biggest part of our relationship he has actually been very sweet and loving to me.

Jeez I'm still hanging on too tight, it's on my mind 24/7. How can I get him out of my mind, can anyone show me the ctrl+alt+delete buttons?

 

Sista, all classic signs of an abuser. They will abuse you and then turn around, say they're sorry, they'll never do it again and treat you like a queen. It is not that complicated. You will only bring yourself more pain and misery. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Please don't tell me, "cuz I love him" ... I have been known to throw up.

 

You need to get some counseling or talk with some people about why you CHOOSE bad boys and abusive men. There's something in you that you need to fix. Don't fix it, you'll just repeat it. You need to respect yourself enough to walk away and not put up with anyone treating you that way. There's no CAD button. No contact is the only way to go.

 

Give up your obsession and addiction. You should invest some time in yourself and get some of these books like, "Obsessive Love" http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=when+love+hurts&tag=googhydr-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=3647879087&ref=pd_sl_7vsg1cb397_b

[charliecharlie]

Thank you so much guys for your straight and honest advice!

 

You are right, and Don Ho, I have made appointments for counselling and coaching for next week, because I want this to stop. And you are right, it can only be stopped by changing something within myself.

It's like I still want some recognition, want them to respect me, but FOR WHAT?

No matter what I try, he'll still blame me for nothing from time to time. He'll still withdraw into his cave making me think "huh, what happened?" from time to time. And the good times may be very good but the bad times are very bad as well.

I get so attached emotionally that it's hard to see the facts, but yet they are here and they are clear. And you've pointed them out to me.

I guess it takes time to really see what's going on, but I have to walk away, refuse to be pampered and then ignored or treated like **** any longer. He may be a good person inside, and he may seem like the king of relationships and frienships, but I guess I've seen enough. Why torture myself one more time, because it'll just happen all over and over again.

I have to be the strong one all the time while he can play the kid, and that's not love.

 

I guess I'll hold on to this line: when the feelings have gone, it's the facts that matter.

 

Keep you posted!!

[Don Ho]

Good for you Sista!! You're actually one of the few that is going to get some assistance for YOU. I think you'll be much happier in the future once you work out some of your issues! Keep up the good work and keep us posted!