pb&j Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Hi all, I could use some advice. To put things in persective, I'd like to know whether you think (1) that he will change his mind on our break up and contact me and (2) whether there is anything I can do toward that end. To put things in perspective, I am 31 and the guy I was dating is 26. We met through a mutual friend when he was visiting Fla from Mass. Of course, everything was great at first but as our feelings intensified we began to fight a lot. The distance made it difficult to begin a relationship from scratch and I think there was a lot of pressure to make our time together "count." I saw him a handfull of times over the two months we dated. Most recently, he came down for Labor Day. In the weeks that preceeded that visit, he told me a few times that he thought he was falling in love with me. He arrived on a Friday and we had a tift that night. I did some things I shouldn't have (and so did he) but neither of us made a big deal about it the next day. Saturday night he was in a bad mood bc he was hungry and bacially gave me a hard time for like an hour until I exploded and left him at my apartment. He said, "if you leave, we are over." Of course being stubborn, I left anyway. So did he- he got a hotel room Sat night and stayed with a friend Sunday. I texted/called him a lot over the 24 hours from Sunday to Monday when I knew he was leaving. He mostly ignored me (which was very uncharacteristic) but Monday afternoon he finally texted "I need my space right now. I don't think this is working out." I responded that I agreed but just needed to hear him say it. I thanked him and told him I hoped he enjoyed the rest of his vacation. He replied "thanks". I haven't heard from him since (about a week). I emailed him 3 days ago (5 days after our big fight) and said "I didn't really like the way things ended, it was a bit abrupt for me (hence the freak out, lol. [a reference to my calling/texting]. I hope we can at least be friends. Call me sometime if you wanna chat." Still nothing. It's weird that he has been completely silent. When we fought before, he always had something to say, even if it was mean. On a side note, he hasn't "un-friended" me on Facebook which gives me hope though I'm not sure that's a good indication of anything. You might say, "you only dated 2 months, you guys fought, it was long distance, what is there to salvage?" But I really liked the guy. I have dated a lot and there have only been 2 or 3 guys I really cared for. I could go into why I liked him but I am trying to keep this as short as possible. I know I messed up but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. Just not sure I should tell him that right now. I mean I did tell him that initially and it didn't get me anywhere. . . Is it really possible that after 2 months, when he said he was falling in love with me, that he could really give up on me? Or is he just mad, even after a week? Think he'll come around? And do you have any thoughts on how I might encourage that? Thanks for wading through all this. Appreciate any thoughts.
Silvaria Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 And do you have any thoughts on how I might encourage that?Hello. Sorry to hear about all this. As for how to encourage it...you've already sent him an email asking him to call you sometime if he wants to chat. The ball is now in his court. Further emails will not help your cause, and take that from someone who has been there, LOL...in fact, they may work against you. Unfortunately, IMO, there is little you can do now except wait. But don't sit by the phone, of course...get out and do things if you can, stay busy, talk to friends and family. Let us know how it goes.
Author pb&j Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Thanks for the response. Rationally I know there is nothing I can do and I do agree that further contacting him would only make things worse. The loss of control is tough though. I'm hoping that even if I continue to be in denial (I obviously still hope/think he will call), eventually I will just forget about him. I mean it was only two months and it was long distance at that. . . I think it's possible that I don't actually miss him but I miss what I think "could have been." It wasn't reality though. Anyway, thanks again.
Am4Real Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Hello. Sorry to hear about all this. As for how to encourage it...you've already sent him an email asking him to call you sometime if he wants to chat. The ball is now in his court. Further emails will not help your cause, and take that from someone who has been there, LOL...in fact, they may work against you. Unfortunately, IMO, there is little you can do now except wait. But don't sit by the phone, of course...get out and do things if you can, stay busy, talk to friends and family. Let us know how it goes. Good advice.
Am4Real Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Thanks for the response. Rationally I know there is nothing I can do and I do agree that further contacting him would only make things worse. The loss of control is tough though. I'm hoping that even if I continue to be in denial (I obviously still hope/think he will call), eventually I will just forget about him. I mean it was only two months and it was long distance at that. . . I think it's possible that I don't actually miss him but I miss what I think "could have been." It wasn't reality though. Anyway, thanks again. You may be pining for a person you cannot have or is not responding to you. Be careful with confusing desire with what is really best and compatible with you. From your top post it doesn’t sound like things were going very well when the two of you were in the same proximity. For whatever reason that is causing this feeling and the breakup or parting is certainly not your fault. You’ve sent a message that opens the door if he wants to pursue it. I’d say you’ve done what you can and best approach now is for you to live your life, date, and be happy. Best wishes!!!
Author pb&j Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 I feel like it was my fault though, and that's what is most diffucult. Sure he did some bad stuff, too, but my reaction was way overboard. Though so was his reaction to my over-reaction (lol). The only thing I can think is that he must have been thinking about breaking it off before his visit last weekend. I don't think you completely cut someone off if there isn't something else going on. Of course, if there was something else going on, this also means that our breaking up was inevitable. There are some moments when I would give anything to have him back. I realize that life will go on but somehow that's little consolation. I know it's irrational to like somone this much after 2 mos which again, seems to indicate my pain isn't over losing him per se. Again, little consolation. But anyway, thanks for the responses. Both of you are right--I know that rationally-- it will just take a while for my heart to believe it, too.
Am4Real Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I feel like it was my fault though, and that's what is most diffucult. Sure he did some bad stuff, too, but my reaction was way overboard. Though so was his reaction to my over-reaction (lol). The only thing I can think is that he must have been thinking about breaking it off before his visit last weekend. I don't think you completely cut someone off if there isn't something else going on. Of course, if there was something else going on, this also means that our breaking up was inevitable. There are some moments when I would give anything to have him back. I realize that life will go on but somehow that's little consolation. I know it's irrational to like somone this much after 2 mos which again, seems to indicate my pain isn't over losing him per se. Again, little consolation. Dear PB&J: Right, wrong, who caused what…I say phoeeee…its human unearthing of each other. I’ve seen people get on a train and even after two unfamiliar stops still not realize they are on the wrong track going to a different place. All of us tend to overlook details or subdue them for some time. Perhaps this person was doing that and something had him realize the two of you could not work – I’ll bet those thoughts even crossed your mind once or twice. Did they? In the relationship world it’s often referred to as the DISCOVERY phase in a developing connection. I’m sure your pondering the situation and wondering what you could have done differently – but if you did, would it really is you? Think about it this way, you were likely behaving in a manner that fit the circumstances so either the circumstances were not ideal (long distance relationship for example and not knowing the person from daily contact ) or the persons did not fit the conditions of each participant (for example temper control or some other needling quality of one of the parties). Strike it up to “it was never meant to be” and head out to find the next great one! When you clear your mind and your heart he might be closer than you think! Best wishes shall go with you today!
Author pb&j Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Dear PB&J: Right, wrong, who caused what…I say phoeeee…its human unearthing of each other. I’ve seen people get on a train and even after two unfamiliar stops still not realize they are on the wrong track going to a different place. All of us tend to overlook details or subdue them for some time. Perhaps this person was doing that and something had him realize the two of you could not work – I’ll bet those thoughts even crossed your mind once or twice. Did they? In the relationship world it’s often referred to as the DISCOVERY phase in a developing connection. I’m sure your pondering the situation and wondering what you could have done differently – but if you did, would it really is you? Think about it this way, you were likely behaving in a manner that fit the circumstances so either the circumstances were not ideal (long distance relationship for example and not knowing the person from daily contact ) or the persons did not fit the conditions of each participant (for example temper control or some other needling quality of one of the parties). Wow. This is both profound and true. Thank you :-)
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